My mum (56) has been dating a man (“Adam”) for 5 years. I’m 28F. They met online during COVID and said “I love you” within 3 weeks—before they’d even met in person. At the time, we had just gotten out of a 20+ year abusive home situation (our mum didn’t protect us—we got us all out), We’d encouraged her to date to stop her going back to dad, but the intensity of the relationship raised red flags.
Adam is in his late 50s, never married, supposedly has a good job but nothing to show for it. I suspect he gambles, he watches every sport, every team, obsessively. He lives in England; we’re in Ireland.
There have always been red flags—subtle digs about my mum aging, calling her decisions “our” decisions but keeping his private. He makes no effort with family and isolates her. I think he’s using her and possibly planning to freeload off her divorce settlement.
The final straw was him watching football on his phone for 15+ minutes at my grandad’s funeral. I waited a few weeks to tell my mum. When I did, he denied it—she believed him over me.
Things got tense. My sister and I ended up in family therapy (without him) and agreed to one last conversation with Adam. We told our mum: if it went badly, she could keep seeing him, but she had to stop trying to involve us. It was a big deal—we were anxious and triggered by having to confront a man about his behaviour, given our past.
The conversation was awful. He said, “We’ll agree to disagree,” then admitted he “glanced” at his phone, then finally admitted to watching the match. Still—no apology.
Since then (6 months ago), we’ve had no contact with him. I’ve told him I don’t want to speak to him again. Now my mum is saying we need to “fix things” and come for dinner to “sort it out.” She gets upset when we say no.
I’m exhausted. I can’t control who she dates—but I won’t be around him. It’s stressful, triggering, and upsetting. Some family say we’re being “overly sensitive” due to cPTSD. But honestly, we’re too tolerant—we survived years of abuse. If we were fragile, we would’ve broken. We didn’t.
Now I’m getting married next year. And I’m already heartbroken because my dad won’t walk me down the aisle—not because he’s gone, but because of what he did to us. That’s something I’ve had to grieve. But now it feels like another man in my mum’s life is going to ruin another major moment. My graduation, birthdays—those were all made miserable by my dad. And now it feels like my wedding could be overshadowed by another man she’s putting first. I just don’t understand how it’s unreasonable to want my wedding day to be about me—for once—not about managing someone else’s boyfriend.
My mum clearly thinks I’m the problem—that I’m being difficult and dramatic because of our past. And honestly, I’m starting to feel like I am the asshole. But deep down, I don’t think I am. I just feel like one for standing my ground.
AITA for drawing this boundary and saying I don’t want to spend Christmas or my wedding with this man?
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My mum (56) has been dating a man (“Adam”) for 5 years. I’m 28F. They met online during COVID and said “I love you” within 3 weeks—before they’d even met in person. At the time, we had just gotten out of a 20+ year abusive home situation (our mum didn’t protect us—we got us all out), We’d encouraged her to date to stop her going back to dad, but the intensity of the relationship raised red flags.
Adam is in his late 50s, never married, supposedly has a good job but nothing to show for it. I suspect he gambles, he watches every sport, every team, obsessively. He lives in England; we’re in Ireland.
There have always been red flags—subtle digs about my mum aging, calling her decisions “our” decisions but keeping his private. He makes no effort with family and isolates her. I think he’s using her and possibly planning to freeload off her divorce settlement.
The final straw was him watching football on his phone for 15+ minutes at my grandad’s funeral. I waited a few weeks to tell my mum. When I did, he denied it—she believed him over me.
Things got tense. My sister and I ended up in family therapy (without him) and agreed to one last conversation with Adam. We told our mum: if it went badly, she could keep seeing him, but she had to stop trying to involve us. It was a big deal—we were anxious and triggered by having to confront a man about his behaviour, given our past.
The conversation was awful. He said, “We’ll agree to disagree,” then admitted he “glanced” at his phone, then finally admitted to watching the match. Still—no apology.
Since then (6 months ago), we’ve had no contact with him. I’ve told him I don’t want to speak to him again. Now my mum is saying we need to “fix things” and come for dinner to “sort it out.” She gets upset when we say no.
I’m exhausted. I can’t control who she dates—but I won’t be around him. It’s stressful, triggering, and upsetting. Some family say we’re being “overly sensitive” due to cPTSD. But honestly, we’re too tolerant—we survived years of abuse. If we were fragile, we would’ve broken. We didn’t.
Now I’m getting married next year. And I’m already heartbroken because my dad won’t walk me down the aisle—not because he’s gone, but because of what he did to us. That’s something I’ve had to grieve. But now it feels like another man in my mum’s life is going to ruin another major moment. My graduation, birthdays—those were all made miserable by my dad. And now it feels like my wedding could be overshadowed by another man she’s putting first. I just don’t understand how it’s unreasonable to want my wedding day to be about me—for once—not about managing someone else’s boyfriend.
My mum clearly thinks I’m the problem—that I’m being difficult and dramatic because of our past. And honestly, I’m starting to feel like I am the asshole. But deep down, I don’t think I am. I just feel like one for standing my ground.
AITA for drawing this boundary and saying I don’t want to spend Christmas or my wedding with this man?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel really conflicted if I’m the asshole mainly because I struggle to trust my own mind and set boundaries for myself after being in an abusive situation for so long. I really think that I’m not the arsehole but I have this gut wrenching feeling that I am and I would like other peoples opinions That don’t know me so can’t form an opinion based on their friendship with me.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Nta at all! Invite your mum to the wedding but only her. If she doesn’t come because of that, that’s on her. Concentrate on your wedding and happiness. Walk down the aisle with people who have stood by you. Whether that is siblings, other family or your friends. Make the day about you and your fiancé.
NTA your wedding is your day. You’ve literally had interventions over this man and have gone to therapy to figure out how to handle him. He doesn’t get to come period.
NTA you make your own rules to feel safe.
NTA; It sounds like your mother has issues that have nothing to do with you. The best thing you can do for yourself and your fiancée is to move on from your mother at this point. She is making unhealthy life choices, and you should not let her issues drag your lives down. It sounds like she needs relationship and codependency therapy. I would go low to no contact with her and tell her why. Take the weight off your shoulders and build your new life in a healthy manner. Good luck.
Congrats on your upcoming nuptials!
In other news, NTA. A wedding is a celebration of love and should be attended by people who cherish the couple and will celebrate them appropriately.
However, this decision will alienate your mom and there is a chance, in her desperation and stubbornness, that she will refuse to attend. Personally, I don’t think this is necessarily a negative. Your mom is selfish and fell into a relationship that is actively triggering and causing distress to her children. She is choosing to soothe her ego ans lonliness over ensuring a healthy relationship with her kids. Also, just to put this out there, you’re not a bad person or daughter because this man reminds you of your dad and it makes your soul itchy. You’re still healing from trauma and there’s no true timeline on how long that takes. Be kind to yourself, especially when your mother isn’t.
If you wanted to try and compromise you could invite him to the reception, but not the ceremony (if that’s how you plan to do your wedding). I think you’re well within your rights to not have him there at all.
Why just him? Your mum is the one allowing him to be a part of your lives. She didn’t protect you before. Why will she now? Her getting shagged is more important to her than your and your siblings’ mental health. Let that sink in. NTA
NTA. You have to protect yourself. There’s nothing to fix, you aren’t the problem and he does not have to be in your life.
NTA. At least not for wanting your distance to that man. Maybe a little for pushing your mom back in the dating scene before she was able to learn how a real relationship should work. She got a guy that seemed better then the last one and she is falling back in old habbits as it seems. Keep your distance, maybe try to hint to your mom that she needs therapy after what your dad did to you so she can heal and learn (not mentioning her current boyfriend)
Give your mom the ultimatum that she can’t bring her boyfriend to your wedding. If she is not accepting that – yeah, I’m sorry for you but she choose him over you or her mental health did it.But as you said, it is your wedding and it should be about you and not a guy you can’t stand.
Let me first say that, sorry you are in this shitty situation. I gather from this that your upbringing definitely has it’s faults. And you had to learn a lot of of things yourself. It is great to hear to you and your sister support each other.
In short: NTA
Longer version and recommendation: Find a way and a life without parents. Like others said: You can send a invitation to your wedding to your mom alone, but remember that this could go sideways in a lot ways. For instance: She could come with her BF anyway and you would have to make a lot scene to get him or both of them out. And that alone could ruin the whole day.
Other option: Write your mom a lengthy letter. Explain that you do want her in her life but not him. And that it’s up to her to still have a part in your life in those conditions. You explain in explicit writing that whatever she does next will affect the forthcoming relation between her and you and you sister. IN this letter you basically send a proper message: you lay down the line and if she steps over, it will be game over.
You and your sister need to find a way to leave this toxic crap behind you one way or another. And sometimes it means cutting ties where you didn’t want to cut them, you will find out your worth to her if you do. Maybe she will take an effort and listen and if she doesn’t after this very clear message. Well, you will have a very clear answer to this all.
And again, i’m sorry you are in this horrible situation. Best of luck and fun on your wedding!!
NTA! You were upfront with your mother what you wanted and you didn’t get it. She’s in another abusive situation and you don’t need to put yourself there. I would ask my husband to be his father or a good friend ,to walk me down the aisle, perhaps your sister. I would have one last conversation with just your mom and explain to her. She is in an abusive relationship and you can’t be part of it. If she doesn’t know you’re getting married, I would let her know and then explain the parameters to her so she understands fully How you feel. Will she be allowed to go?
NTA. Harsh truth? The real problem here is your mother. She stayed in an abusive relationship that it sounds like it wound up falling on you and your siblings to solve. Now she’s brought this new guy around who is causing issues and she is again putting her romantic relationship above her kids. She’s got issues with men and she’s never going to put you first. I think you honestly need to reconcile with that truth and consider if you actually want her (and any extended family agreeing with her) at your wedding.
What is going to cause you more anxiety and heartache in the long run? Having your mother at your wedding and her potentially making a scene/causing issues, potentially involving her boyfriend. Or uninviting her, and maybe feeling sad she isn’t there, but having a drama-free day? Good luck with the decision.
NTA. Hold those boundaries baby, you’ve been through enough ❤️ Have the most beautiful wedding and marriage.
Your mother demonstrated her willingness to sacrifice her children on the alter of her relationship with your abusive father. And now she’s taken up with a walking red flag with whom you want no further contact. This is a completely legitimate and understandable decision, and not one that she’s entitled to challenge.
You don’t have to “fix things” or “sort things out” as your mother demands. Should you ever choose to be in his presence, that’s your decision. But not being with him is also your decision. You don’t have to invite him to dinner, or to your wedding, or to meet your children should have have them in future.
If you choose to maintain a relationship with your mother, do let her know that you’ll be there for her should her relationship go south. But it sounds to me as if it already is pretty far south, with a man who is secretive, dishonest, isolates her (such a danger signal, but you cannot make her see it given her blindness to her partner’s characters), and very likely gambling addicted.
Trust your instincts and do whatever makes you feel safe and comfortable. This is what a good mother would want for you. Know that you get to take good care of yourself no matter what your actual mother says or demands.
NTA
NTA your mom choose to believe him and then stay with someone who not only lied about watching football and a funeral but who thought it was an appropriate thing to do in the first place.
Has your mother ever admitted her failure to protect you and your siblings from her husband/your father?. She needs to fully acknowledge this. You extracted your self from her first car crash relationship there is no need for you to be involved in her second.
NTA
Congratulations on your upcoming wedding.
Unfortunately, when people live with abuse for a long time, there is a ‘comfort’ in the familiarity of it. Part of what you are feeling now is the discomfort of a HEALTHY self-protective response to a difficult situation, i.e. refusing to accept the unacceptable any more.
Sadly, there is no non-painful outcome here while your mother continues to refuse to recognise the red flags. Which means that the only advice I can give you is to do what is best / least painful in the long run for YOU (and your husband) – and accept the consequences of that. Only you can decide what consequences you can – hopefully with some professional support – live with.
Until your mom unpacks her trauma she’s going to repeat the abuse cycle. You’ll need to have firm boundaries.
Let her know you love her but you won’t watch another abuse cycle. If she’s not willing to talk to you with a family therapist, then you’ll continue to cut out the bf and she has to make her own decision
She’s clearly conditioned to believe being in a bad relationship is what she deserves for whatever reason. She’ll continue to prioritize the man in her life (and attract jerks)
NTA
Oh honey, I’m sending you hugs from the other side of the world. Nobody should have to deal with what you’ve been through, but it seems that your mum hasn’t worked that out yet. We all have our own journey.
You are totally allowed your feelings, and anyone who tries to minimalise them and sideline you from your own story doesn’t deserve a second of your time.
In your ideal world, what would the upcoming celebration look like? Now, imagine it without mum. Is that something you can tolerate? Because that’s what it will probably have to be.
I told my own mum to, and I quote, “fuck off” at my own wedding because she was on my case about shit that didn’t matter. She stayed, but left me alone after that. I do not regret it. Probably the first time I set a firm boundary with her tbh. You’ll have to work out how you get through this, but just know that there are randoms worldwide like me who are in your corner.
NTA
Unfortunately your mother has HUGE issues that she needs to deal with but likely never will.
Do not invite her bf to Christmas or your wedding if you know it will be a shit show.
Sadly your mother will need to learn for herself and that may mean a loss of money.
NTA He is insensitive to other people even when it comes to major life events and tragedies (watching football at a funeral) and he’s an unrepentant, unapologetic liar who won’t admit wrong-doing. You have decided you don’t want to deal with such a person in your life and your mother’s current expectations show you exactly what that would be like — him never changing or admitting anything with all blame and expectations transferred to you.
Point this out to you mother and tell her that you absolutely refuse to be endlessly in that situation. She has to accept that you want nothing to do with him and his bullshit and that her choice is to accept that so you can have a stress-free relationship, or for you to limit your contact with her. You playing along with her BS related to him, so he can act as he pleases with you accommodating and suffering everything, is not ever going to happen. She needs to accept that for things to move on in a positive direction.
Nope NTA. Your wellbeing should always come first. Like someone else said, Adam is a problem but not the problem. Your mum needs to understand that she is the biggest issue here.
“AITA for drawing this boundary and saying I don’t want to spend Christmas or my wedding with this man?”
Your boundary is meaningless : they are a team, and you need to consider them a team – you can’t expect no contact with Adam and contact with your mom…you need to go no contact with both or find a way to tolerate Adam….
NTA, but he is not messing up your life, your mom is! She’s making one bad decision after another on her relationships and I suspect she needs a lot of therapy to get out of this toxic circle.
You have to get real with your mother, she allowed you all to be in an abusive home, and now dates a guy who has shown so many red flags, it’s just crazy that she still wants to be with him.
You’re probably best off keeping her away from your life, but if you’re not ready for that yet, tell her now that her bf is not welcome ever to any event you’re organizing. So she can get used to the idea.
Make sure she understands you will never be in the same room with him again, and also tell her what will happen if she tries to trick you (you leave the room, you’ll cut her out of your life, you call security, etc)
I’m sorry you have shitty parents, I hope you’re breaking that cycle for yourself!
NTA skipping past all the “your mother’s is traumatised and that’s why she struggles to meet quality men” bullshit, shes frankly just desperate and honestly stupid.
You look after herself and let her del with ghe consequences of her own low standards