I 25f lost my baby at 23 weeks and everyone knew I was pregnant because we told them at 13weeks. It was hard to lose my baby, but I took my time to process the loss. I was hospitalized due to sever preeclampsia then I had a placental abruption later that week and delivered our stillborn son.
Last week I was with my MIL, and she mentioned something about the loss and then I asked her how she knows, and she told me that my fiancé Matt 27m told her. She then told me that its ok and I shouldn’t worry, we can always try again. I did not say anything to her, but I was so irritated that Matt told her when I wanted to do it at my own time. I know they would have figured it out, but I just wanted some time to process and deal with this. The whole afternoon was filled with my MIL giving advice and trying to tell me how to ‘keep’ a pregnancy. When I got home Matt, and I got into an argument.
I told him how I do not appreciate him blurting out my business and how he should’ve waited until we were BOTH ready to share the loss. He told me his mom is family, and he was venting to her as he was stressed. I expressed sympathy for him about that, but I explained to him that I did not appreciate him telling her this early on. He got frustrated and told me to get over it, and that I cannot be hung up over 1 loss when people have more. He also said if we try again, I will feel better and will forget I even went through this pain.
I told him he does not get it, I felt the little soft flutters and I watched him grow just for it to come to an abrupt end. I blame myself even now, but he just talked as though our son was nothing to him. I told him that I definitely would not being trying again and that I am healing, and I yelled at him to tell his mother to stop being invasive and insensitive. He told me to stop being dramatic and walked out yelling “Don’t wait up for me”. I kid you not this man left me in the house alone after we lost our son 4 weeks ago. He came back this morning at 4am and got ready for work then left. We have not talked yet.
I’m assuming he told his mom because I have 3 missed calls from her, I am not planning on answering her calls right now. I told my mom, and she told me to give him some time he will come around.
AITA for being angry he told his mom. I was going to tell her but not this soon.
Comments
Yeah, YTA
It’s ridiculous you think that he can’t tell his mother that his baby didn’t make it.
It’s his kid too, the loss affects him. You don’t have a monopoly on telling people. It’s your struggle too, buts it’s not only your struggle to deal with.
You’re dismissing his experience here because he wasn’t the one pregnant.
ESH but him more. Why are you gatekeeping his grief? Did you tell him specifically not to tell her until you were together. If you did, then you are not the AH.
He is more of an AH for telling you to get over it. That is unforgivable.
ESH – Im sorry for your loss here, and this must be incredibly difficult for you.
Recognizing how difficult this must be for you to lose your baby, he also experienced a loss too. I think you can be upset that your mother brought this up to you while also acknowledging that he needs to process this too and he did that with his family.
Had you two discussed how you wanted to discuss this with others ahead of time that’d be one thing, but I do think youre not acknowledging how he may be struggling too.
I dont think what he said to you and his reaction was appropriate though. Overall this is a very difficult issue with a lot of emotions.
I’m sorry, but did you expect him to pretend you were still pregnant when his mom asked about you?
YTA. He didn’t share your story with his mom, he shared his.
I’m sorry but I’m going to have to go YTA, yes you suffered the miscarriage and still birth BUT you’re not the only one that suffered a loss and whilst it may not be the same for your partner he is also allowed to grieve and allowed support if he’s the one supporting you through this, who’s there for him, who has he got to talk too? Clearly he can’t talk to you because as you’ve said it’s not the same is it you had it worst (which obviously you did) but it’s not a kind thing to say to someone you love who is also experiencing this.
You need to remember that this loss is NOT just your loss
You process your grief by keeping it secret and he processes grief by talking to people. It sounds like youre trying to control how someone else processes their grief which is a big nono. Remember you both lost something not just you.
ESH. You suck for not letting him discuss his grief with who and when he wants to. He sucks for leaving you alone all night.
YTA.
I’ve been through 3 miscarriages as a father and it’s not fair that you’re upset with him for needing to vent and unload the burden he was feeling with his mother.
FFS it’s not like he announced to the world on Facebook what happened. He was just as heartbroken and dealt with it his way.
Please get couples counseling. You didn’t communicate clearly what you wanted done in the first place (not discussing this outside of you two) and neither of you know how to communicate effectively.
I’m very sorry for your loss. I think counseling would be good for you regardless if it’s couples counseling or individual.
Im so sorry for your loss. Only someone who has been through something like this knows how it feels. Unfortunately the second hardest part is dealing with the comments that are sometimes made like you MIL made like ‘ you can always try again’ because that is NOT the point. And it’s very insensitive.
However, YTA. HE lost his baby too. Not just you. You BOTH lost your baby. He’s allowed to talk to his mother or anyone else in his support system, at any time.
Again, I’m so sorry and I don’t wish this pain on anyone. But you tell your people when you are ready and he can tell his people when he’s ready,
I think being displeased might be warranted; however, the blow-up seems excessive. Does he have a best friend? I imagine you are the person he turns to, but this time, you are not available (from his perspective) because you are most what he’s worried about. What would you like him to do? There are far worse things he might have chosen besides talking it over with his mother.
Yes he was insensitive with « you will forget, it’s only one loss » etc.. but he lost his child too. So he can talk to his loved ones about his pain of loosing his child. He didn’t need your approval to talk about something that causes him pain too…
So for 4 weeks you were carrying on as if you were still pregnant, and you expected him not to tell a soul?? I’m sorry for your loss, I had a placental abruption too. But I feel like this is completely dismissing the fact that it was his baby too and he has a right to confide in someone about how he feels. My ex (my husband at the time) dropped to his knees and sobbed when the doctor told him they might lose both me and the baby. Men are allowed to grieve as well. Soft YTA.
Is…is he not allowed to grieve the loss of his child as well? Maybe not how you wouldve handled it, but hes not you. yta
ESH. I’m a little confused by what you mean by “I just wanted to take some time to process and deal with this” Because in the first paragraph of your post you say “but I took my time to process the loss” So what’s the issue? It sounds like you already did the thing you wanted to do. And did you not have a conversation with your husband about when you were going to tell people about the loss? Because that is a conversation that is just as important as deciding when to tell people that you’re pregnant. And I understand that this sort of loss hits unordinary hard, especially for the person carrying the future baby. But he also experienced a loss. Clearly it’s effecting him otherwise he wouldn’t be venting to his mom about it.
But that brings us to why he is also the AH. And it’s not for telling his mom. Unless you expressly told him not to, but based on the post it sounds like that was not the case. He’s the AH for completely ignoring your feelings and trying to brush things under the rug after you expressed your feelings to him. He was clearly dismissive and even if he is struggling, too, it is no reason to take it out on you, a person who is also struggling. One who is by almost every metric struggling more than he is no less. It sounds like this is him just trying to deal with it and move on by burying his feelings and pretending it didn’t happen and trying to force you to do the same which is not ok.
Both of you need therapy.
Please seek grief counseling. I can understand why he would want to tell his mom. He is processing his own grief and sometimes we just want to talk to our moms about what we’re going through. However, the way he’s reacting to your own grief is unacceptable. He needs to be understanding about what you are going through because it is different. You both need some space and cool off. I would try to have another conversation and suggest you both go to couples counseling.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. But.. how did you think things were going to go? If he hadn’t told his mom, then she probably would have bee asking you about your pregnancy because parents are invested in their future grandchildren. How much worse would that have made you feel? She’s trying to express sympathy. I can understand wanting a little more time to process, but since everyone already knew you were pregnant, the only way that would work would be for you to not see anyone. And, dont you think that maybe your husband is grieving too? He’s not going to show it the same way, no two people have the same reaction, and he’s probably trying to act like it doesn’t bother him as much in an effort to be “strong “ for you. Unfortunately society kind of pounds that into men from a young age. So, who can he lean on when he’s trying to not upset you? His mom.
ESH for not allowing him to seek support in his grief (circles of grief means he could not and should not lean on you for support), but this:
>He got frustrated and told me to get over it, and that I cannot be hung up over 1 loss when people have more. He also said if we try again, I will feel better and will forget I even went through this pain.
makes him a MASSIVE asshole. Do not have sex with this man until you have gone through grief counseling and he has demonstrated that he is capable of empathy.
I’m sorry for your loss, but it’s his loss, too. He gets to grieve as he needs, and that may include telling people he trusts. You’re not really mad at him, just [unfairly] making him the target of your own anger and grief.
YTA
If you can tell your mom, he can tell his. Time to grow up
You are making this all about you. It is his business too. He lost the baby too. He told his mom, so he could get her support processing his loss. Yes you are the AH.
I empathize with your pain. He shouldn’t have dismissed you and made the comment about you trying for another and not even remembering this struggle. However, it’s been 4 weeks since you lost the baby. A month where others in your life assumed you were reaching another milestone and naturally wondered how the pregnancy was progressing. He shared with his mother because he’s also mourning, in his own way. He needs a space to process his pain.
NAH and I hope and pray you find peace and comfort during this time.
I think he has every right to tell his mom BUT his reaction to you being upset and telling you to “get over it” and you’ll “feel better once pregnant again” is a huge red flag for me. Yes, he is the father, but you as the woman went through something that he will never experience. Stillbirths are extremely traumatic and only you carry that pain. I’m so sorry for your loss and hope your partner can learn some empathy and treat you with more compassion.
It is hard to say YTA in this scenario, but…
It was HIS loss, too, and also affects the grandparents, so he was right in sharing it with his mum.
Four weeks is not “soon” to tell immediate family that they won’t be grandparents.
YTA You lost your baby 4 weeks ago and still think he is wrong to tell his family that the child that was going to be joining their family no longer will. Your husband is grieving that child too. How long should he wait? Yes I know this sounds harsh but you need to understand he has lost a child too. I wish you the best in learning to live with your loss. I understand your pain and will always know the loss also.
I would think she would have figured it out via observation, and not to discount your feelings, but this wasn’t just your loss. Your fiance lost a child and your MIL lost a grandchild.
YTA. You can’t expect him to lie to people. He is allowed to share his sadness. It would have been perfectly reasonable for you to tell his mom that you didn’t ask for her advice so she needed to stop giving it.
He has the right to talk to his Mom. The things he said to you afterwards were rude and hurtful but you both are processing grief and need to give each other some grace. Also consider your mother in law is also experiencing grief too.
I agree, YTA. I am very sorry for your loss. It was also his loss. I guarantee that you are a lot more physically and emotionally attached, but I can tell you that he is hurting too. A son turning to his mom for comfort is a very normal thing.
YTA
YTA. This was his loss too and he has the right to confide in someone about it. It is unfortunate that she used the occasion to give you advice which you could have immediately shut down.
I’m sorry for what happened to you, but 4 weeks is too long to not tell your support system. Was he supposed to just act like y’all didn’t experience a profound loss? When someone asked about you or the baby should he have just made something up that sounded good? As much as it sucks you have to accept it, and the people close to both of you should know so they can support y’all. YTA
YTA You can’t seriously expect him to lie to his family about this loss which is also his as the father. I’m sorry for your loss but you are very wrong about how you managed the situation.
One of the 5 steps of grief is anger, it is not surprising at all your mad, reasonable/ unreasonable doesn’t really matter.
He likely needed someone to talk to and he choice his mom, she likely would have known the second she saw you anyway.
Everyone is sad and hurting maybe theripy would help?
YTA. It was his loss too. He should be allowed to tell his mother so she can support him.
I lost my first baby at nine weeks gestation and my husband took it just as hard as I did. Fathers suffer too.
You were hospitalized and went through all this 4 weeks ago and you thought he wouldn’t tell his mom? Of course he’s going to tell her. Is his mom supposed to keep thinking you were still pregnant? It’s a huge loss for you but also for him and her too. YTA here.
I’m so sorry for your pain and loss.
ESH. His loss wasn’t quite like yours, but he did lose his baby boy before he even got to know him. He’s allowed to grieve and share with his MOTHER. You don’t get to dictate that for him. So yea, YTA, for expecting him to hold it in bc you wanted to.
He is the AH for SEVERAL reasons! Several! Everything he said to you was out of line. You should certainly be hurt and angry. Yes, people process grief differently, but he was completely insensitive. AND he very clearly doesn’t understand how pregnancy and hormones work! “Get over it.” Hell, your BODY hasn’t even gotten over it!
His mother is the AH bc WHY do you think NOW is the time to give advice on how to “keep a baby”!? Like lady you can’t be that old AND dense! Honestly, you should have just addressed her directly. Telling her you know she means well, but now is not the time. Very firmly.
No one has the tight to tell anyone when they can discuss a loss they’ve had. Mother or father. You don’t get to decide for anyone else when the right time is. What you do get to request is if the other person wants to talk about it, they tell others that you are not ready to discuss it and you will tell those people about the loss so they know to start talking with you and giving you support.
YTA
I’m sorry for your loss.your pain don’t let me call u an AH,but you r in the wrong here,he lost his baby too,and he talked to his mom,didn’t post it on ig
Not judging anyone here, but you both are hurting. A lot of families split after loosing a baby during pregnancy, birth, after birth… anytime. Get couples therapy if you can. And be gentle on yourself and him.
If real, you are in denial. Carrying on life for four weeks as if you’re still pregnant is not normal behaviour. I struggle to believe it’s real because your partner should be getting you mental health help as a matter of urgency if this was real. If it is real, I’m sorry for your loss and sorry the people in your life aren’t able to cope with this situation.
As someone who has experienced three pregnancy losses—YTA. It’s not “your business” if you are in a committed, loving relationship, and expecting someone to not tell their loved ones about the loss of a wanted pregnancy is beyond fucked up.
YTA. This was his baby just as much as yours. He gets to talk to his mom about a loss he is experiencing as well. He doesn’t have to wait for you to decide it’s ok for him to talk about it.
Also, you think it’s ok for you to yell at him by not ok for him to walk away from you yelling because of something that happened a month ago??
YTA, you are not the only one going through a loss. He is as well. If you shut down and shut him out of course he ran to HIS SAFE SPACE……his mom. You was not ready to receive her advice. There is no time limit on grieving and you don’t have to just get over it but you lashing out like that is not good and not healthy. You need to apologize to your husband ASAP and his mother (when you’re ready). Get you some hurt before you spiral into a place that it pushes everyone away. Tongue lashing hurts far worse than physical pain when it comes from the person you love.
She shouldn’t have begun advising you on having a successful pregnancy. But that’s his mom. And he lost a pregnancy too. Is he supposed to shove it down and ignore the pain? No. That’s so selfish to think he should.
I am so sorry for your loss. That had to be heartbreaking and my heart goes out to you. However, you weren’t the only one who experienced a loss. He did too. And he’s free to share his experience with his support. Granted, he could’ve told his mom not to bring it up with you until you bring it up first, but to be angry at him for grieving and sharing his loss with his mother, yes, that makes you the AH.
It’s his loss also. He should be able to grieve and talk to his mother of all people.
YTA
But I’m sorry for BOTH of your loss.
Yta. He is grieving, too.
Yta and I’m sorry for your loss.
YTA It’s his mom! They are the first person you go to… and it was his baby too! You might rethink marrying him.
YTA. It’s really fucked up that you’re trying to isolate the poor guy from his support system when his baby died, too. I’m sorry for your loss, but pull your head out of your ass.
YTA, sorry. It’s not just “your” business–and since everyone knew you were pregnant, you put him in an impossible position by expecting him to lie to his parents and everyone else for weeks or months while you came to terms with it. And I notice you told your mom all of this, while blaming him for telling his. Obviously your loss is greater, but your expectations here were not reasonable. Even if he can’t fully understand your grief, he also has his own to deal with.
The day my wife and I (35M) found out we had lost our baby, we were obviously devastated. It was early on, less than 3 months, and we were so excited to be parents. We hadn’t told anyone yet because we were waiting for the safe mark just in case something happened (my wife has PCOS).
My parents called that night for our weekly check-in, and I broke down right then and there and not only told them she was pregnant, but we had lost the baby that day. I can’t speak for every guy, but i broke down right there all over again, and being comforted by my parents helped me a lot. My wife understood and told her parents the next time she saw them and got just as much comfort from them.
Your husband is entitled to grieve as he sees fit. Be angry at his mom for chiming in when you weren’t ready, but don’t tell him he can’t talk to another person about it. Kinda TA
I have lost 2 children. So I truly understand how you feel. However you do not get to gate keep his loss or tell him how to handle his feelings. It has been 4 weeks. I would suggest grief counseling. It did wonders for me.
ESH I’m sorry for your loss, first of all, but YTA. This was his loss too and he needed support. Your MIL is also TA for giving you advice instead of comfort. Your husband is TA for him saying you’ll get over it.
She probably meant well and thought she was comforting you, and he was just venting to his mom. They didn’t mean you any harm hon
I think they mean well, I think I understand your feelings about wanting it to remain private but it’s okay, and hope you feel better.
Yta
It’s not just your baby, it was his, too.
YTA. He’s grieving, too. Get over yourself.
If you were visiting with his mom she would have caught on that you had lost the baby. You should have been up front to his parents and your parents when it happened. Nothing good ever comes from hiding things. I’m so very sorry for the loss of your son! I’m praying for you and your husband.
As someone that has miscarried 3x (no live births), I do have some skin in this issue. First of all, he shouldn’t need your permission to tell his mother about this traumatic event. It’s his mother and his child, no permission is needed. Second, your hormones are running wild and there’s ups and downs that you never dreamed of. You feel grief, depression, anger and probably jealousy for others that had normal pregnancies and deliveries. I agree with other comments on here that you both need help, but if he doesn’t want to get it, you definitely should. This is solvable, it will just take time, effort and good communications. As far as you MIL “invading” your privacy about this, I would just tell her that you’re not in a comfortable state to talk with anyone about this except your husband/mother/doctor, or whom ever else you choose. You may have to be blunt in setting your boundaries for discussions.
You can’t dictate how someone else grieves. He’s acting like he doesn’t care because his defenses are up with you attacking him, telling him basically he doesn’t know what you feel, do you know how he feels? Are you claiming more unhappiness? This is not a competition for who feels worse. When were you going to tell people? He agreed but for how long? He likely couldn’t pretend in front of his mother anymore, feelings overcame him.
You both need some counseling here, you’re both in grief. This is a classic case of miscommunication where both of you get angry instead of crying together. Don’t tell him what he feels, listen. And vice versa.
I’m not going to call you TA here because I get it and you have every right to be upset. I can’t even imagine what you’re going through.
However, he’s also NTA. It’s his mom! Maybe you don’t think he’s hurting, as you’ve made it sound, but he clearly is. He should be able to process his feelings and talking it out most likely helps him do that.
Also can you imagine him having to keep up the lie while talking to his mom for those 4 weeks? That’s completely unfair to ask.
YTA – I get grieving is needed but there is a limit on that. If it had been the 2-5 days after the lose and already your MIL was aware that’d be an issue and giving you tips on how to prevent it in the future, yea that is something. But 4 weeks? And your husband is just supposed to sit there and grieve in silence until you decide when it is ok to tell other people? He went to his mom to help him process this lose. There is nothing wrong with that. You need to start telling people who now think you are at the 7 month mark.
Sorry, but YTA. I know you were the pregnant one, but it is ridiculous that he couldn’t tell anyone about this horrible gut-wrenching loss because you wanted to process YOUR feelings YOUR way. It totally invalidated him as a feeling being. I don’t blame him for being pissed. I’d be ENRAGED. You both need individual and couples therapy. I also agree that his mother’s behavior was unhelpful and truly cruel. Who says that shit to someone who just lost a baby? She sounds like an EPIC AH.
YTA. As he’s the other half of the genetic material of this baby, it is his business just as much as it is yours.
His mother, however, overstepped when she offered unsolicited advice.
Sorry for your loss.
Seems you are discounting that perhaps ‘dad’ is also upset, and sharing with His mother isn’t an unreasonable thing.
It was his baby too and he has a right to seek emotional support. He should have communicated it to you that he spoke with her.
Everything he said after was very harsh. Y’all need counseling. ESH
It’s was his baby too. He wanted to tell his mom. I’m so sorry for both of you and your loss, but YTA here.
I am so sorry for your loss. You will never forget your baby. You have evey right to tell people when you’re ready. I hope your mom and family can support you right now.
Having had miscarriages, it’s very difficult and I’m sorry for your loss. But YTA. You aren’t the only one who lost the baby, your fiancee did too and is allowed to share his grief with his mom.
I get it, I really do. At 6.5 months I gave birth to my daughter. She only took three breaths. I was not given the chance to hold her, ever. I only briefly touched her hand, for less than a second. My daughter would be 25 years old now. I was pregnant with twins. My team of doctors, for all their heartlessness at how I was treated, stopped my labor, saving my son. In NO WAY am I saying your pain or mine is worse than the other. I am telling you this so you know, I do understand. The loss of a child is beyond crushing. The loss of potential. I understand. I empathize.
Having said that, a very soft YTA. You lost a child but so did your partner. While he is being your rock, your safe space, who is supposed to be his? Men, some, not all, heck, even most men are not just emotionless machines. There are a few who lack any emotional intelligence, there are a few who are heartless. I believe most men feel just as much as women do. Your SO deserves some support too, he didn’t post it publicly, he talked to his mom. Granted, he should have warned you, so you were not blindsided by it, but he deserves some support, too. Don’t be too hard on him. You both lost the baby, not just you.
Some unsolicited advice, seek out a support group for pregnancy loss or grief therapy. It is super helpful. When my Hope left this world, the song Without You, by the Dixie Chick’s really helped me. I am not a fan of their past antics, but the song is about one of the girls who lost her son. It hits deep, or it did for me. Music is therapeutic for me.
I’m sorry for your loss, but you need to seek grief counseling. You are not handling this in a healthy way.
It’s been 4 weeks. Did you just expect your fiance not to feel the need to seek solace with loved ones for all this time? How long did you expect him to keep silent and keep carrying on as if it didn’t happen?
You seem to be failing to understand that he has grief as well. And his grief will function differently than yours. That’s just how it goes.
You need to be very careful, OP. Many relationships die along with the death of a child because the parents assign blame. You are assigning blame.
Please seek help.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
That being said, you are not the only one who lost a baby.
He lost his baby too, and he told his mom about his grief which is perfectly reasonable
NAH, I completely understand how you feel on the loss of your baby, I lost a little girl at 18 weeks and it was horrible. However your fiance also lost his child and is entitled to tell someone to confide in, he should have told you tho especially considering how she has been giving you unsolicited ‘advice’ (that makes her an AH). Honestly I’m more concerned about how he spoke to you when you were discussing it – does he always dismiss your feelings? And storm out when he isn’t instantly in the right?
Yes, you’re being an AH. You don’t get to control how he grieves. You act like he ran around town telling anyone and everyone, but he didn’t. He talked to his mom about something traumatic that he’s trying to cope with.
Just because you’re okay with carrying on pretending like everything is okay, that doesn’t mean he is. While she was wrong for trying to give unsolicited advice, you’re also wrong for trying to force him to keep this a secret.
Keep in mind that the loss is a loss for both you and your husband. He should be able to talk to his mom about it after a month. Where he went wrong is not to warn his mom that you are not ready to talk about it and need some more time to grieve. (Definitely go to grief counseling)
Yes, you’re being an asshole!
Everyone sucked in this one. OP, this is also his loss, it makes sense he might need to talk to his mom about. While it wasnt the plan and as a couple dont owe explanations to anyone, your fiance has a right to grieve.
MILF could’ve hold her tongue back a bit, maybe checked on how you were dealing with the grief first.
Your fiance was an insensitive asshole during the argument as well. These was ya’ll’s baby. A baby you could feel growing. Not a pot that broke in a kiln.
I highly recommend grief counseling, OP.
Poor fiancé having to morn his loss while you’re giving even more grief. Is he supposed to just hold it in? Grow up!
Soft YTA here. He is grieving as well. You BOTH lost your son. You BOTH are going through this. You don’t get to tell him how he’s supposed to feel and how he’s supposed to grieve. Telling him not to say anything until YOU are ready is selfish and not taking him into consideration at all.
He is also TA in this situation because he should have told you he needed to tell his mom. He shouldn’t have hid it from you that he told her or was planning on telling her. And you didn’t say how the conversation happened. Was it a situation where she asked how you were doing and he just broke and told her?
I highly suggest grief counseling. For you both.
YTA it was your fiancée’s loss too and he had a right too talk to his own mother about it. Everyone grieves differently ,but if you still can’t handle talking about it after 4 weeks, then you should consider grief counselling.
NAH – this is a sad situation.
You cannot manage and control your husband’s grief. You cannot keep him from sharing his pain and sadness with his family. That’s just cruel.
This was not just your baby. It was his too.
I am so sorry for your loss. But the two of you need to stick together and attend grief counseling.
YTA – and I hate saying that to you after a tragic loss. For that I am very sorry. Your husband sharing his loss with his mother is perfectly acceptable and you are being unreasonable. I would leave too if you said such harsh things to me just for sharing with my own mother. You are not allowing the father of the child you lost to grieve in his own way while demanding he do that for you. You are basically telling him that there is no way his pain is as deep as yours which is self centered. Yes I can believe he left for a while. He is being made to feel like nothing when he also lost a child.
You both need help with this and I hope you get it. It is not his job to heal you from this nor is it yours to heal him but I am sad you cannot be there for each other. I cannot imagine being held to secrecy in my grief. And I have lost a child and my husband was in worlds of pain with me, not less not more, just with me.
Your behavior of carrying along for 4 weeks without telling anyone you lost the baby is not normal. You need therapy. I’m worried about you and maybe your husband is as well.
I’m sorry for both of y’all’s loss. You’re an asshole for getting mad at him for confiding in his mom. You said it’s been four weeks. It’s astonishing to me that you think he should hide his grief from close family and friends for even that long. He’s an asshole for telling you to get over it, but I doubt he would have ever said that had you not jumped on him first. That’s my take on it based on how you wrote it out.
I’m not going to call a judgment on this because you BOTH NEED GRIEF THERAPY.
Seriously. You both need some serious therapy to deal with your loss or you will never progress, and it will ruin your marriage. Everyone manages their grief differently, even spouses, and you need to learn how to cope with it. Grief that isn’t dealt with festers and grows. I’m very sorry about your loss. But hiding is only going to make things a LOT worse. He hurts, too, OP.
YTA, and you need therapy. Expecting him to go on for weeks without telling anyone is truly mental.
If he has a brain in his head he’ll break off the engagement because you are a goddamn mess.
Firstly im sooooo sorry for your loss! I hope you find healing.. I do think you are. It’s been 4 weeks.. it affected him as well.. He’s allowed to grieve and maybe his mom was a listening ear.. When were you planning on telling your mom?
It’s not just your business.
NAH, you’re both grieving, and both need counseling to get through this. He was likely suffering, and didn’t want to add to your own grief, so he turned to his mother. It was unwise, but so was pretending to have a baby for a full month afterwards. Turning on eachother isn’t the answer right now, communicating and seeking professional health is.
It was his baby too. Grow up.
I’m so sorry for BOTH your loss. If he’s being strong for you, who’s helping HIM process? It’s devastating all around & I hope you both can find a way to treat & speak to one another with kindness again because neither of you is wrong – you were bith triggered for valid reasons. Grief is not linear.
YTA, just a little – just for your expectation that things could go on as normal & ignoring what your fiancé may need, outside of what you want
He’s TA, a little, too – he could have been kinder to you for sure. But I also understand how he must have been pushed to react the way he did.
UpdateMe – would love to hear that you guys are on better terms at some point.
YTA, mother in law is an insensitive ass, but you both need therapy – “blurting out my business” – if you want him as an involved father, then it is both of your business.
I’m very sorry for your loss but I think it’s absurd for you to not think this man is going to talk to his mother about it. It was his baby too of course he’s going to talk to his mother. You’re being really unrealistic to expect him not to say anything to anybody.
You are insane, which is probably caused by the pregnancy hormones. He did lost a child too.
YTA
YTA
Your husband is suffering too, did you even hear him out? Was MiL trying to organise a baby shower or something? What was he meant to say? He probably broke down crying, and you are making it all about you!!!
Soft YTA 🤷♂️
YTA – get professional help, you are delusional.
First- i am so so so sorry for your loss. Stillbirth is a horrific event, and I wish no one had to go through it. It was not your fault. I don’t think anyone in this situation is the asshole, because it’s a literal maelstrom of emotion and pain.
Second- It’s super normal to not want to tell anyone right away, to have some private time to grieve and heal. However, you can’t dictate how your partner does the same. You don’t have to answer me, but I saw below you said it would’ve been better if he had even just told his dad, not his mom. Do you think if she had reacted with more compassion you’d feel this way, or do you think possibly part of this is the shock at having the first person outside your relationship to know have reacted the way she did?
Third- super not cool of him to leave for the night and then again for work, AND at the same time, try so hard to show some compassion and grace for him. If he kept this private for a month, and finally just had to talk to someone and went to his mom for comfort, and then this happened, he has to be in a whirlwind. That she said these things to you, that she didn’t keep their conversation private (I’m sure he mentioned you wanted to keep it hush for now while explaining why he didn’t tell her sooner, so I’d think he probably feels a bit betrayed by his mom on top of it all), you having these (understandable) strong feelings and reactions.. that has to be very hard. And now where is he supposed to turn, you know? He can’t talk to his mom, he can’t really talk to you, it has to be very isolating.
Fourth- absolutely echoing the comments of counseling being important, and I’d also like to add that you may find it helpful to mark the passing of time since your baby was born in a memorable way. You could plant a bush in your child’s memory, and decorate it, visit it to talk to when things get hard. If no outdoor space, an indoor plant could work as well, or a small shelf with memorabilia where you can pay your respects. My friend made a garden for her daughter, and also has spaces inside to honor her memory. When anniversaries of my losses come around, I tend to take the day mostly to myself to grieve. It’s okay to be in pain, it’s completely normal. Just try not to push the people who love you away with the force of your pain. Again I’m so sorry for your loss
YTA you aren’t the only one who lost a baby. He did too. You don’t get to dictate how he grieves and who he tells. That being said. It was shitty of him to tell you to get over it.
Does OP need permission to tell her own mom stuff between herself and her husband? I’m betting no.
Yta
ESH.
You, because you’re wanting your fiance to stay quiet for over a MONTH after the loss (which I’m very sorry for) that he also felt in his own way. He needed to talk to SOMEBODY. You not talking to anybody is leaving everybody else believing you’re still pregnant. You also need to look into grief counseling.
Your fiance, because he didn’t talk to you about sharing with his mom AND for how he spoke to you after you confronted him. I don’t know if he always talks to you like this or if he was just angry because you started a fight, but if it’s the former I wouldn’t want to continue into a marriage with somebody that’s this cold.
You didn’t miscarry a clump of cells. You had a stillbirth. This isn’t something you’re just going to “get over and forget” if you want to get pregnant again.
> He got frustrated and told me to get over it, and that I cannot be hung up over 1 loss when people have more. He also said if we try again, I will feel better and will forget I even went through this pain
Freaking EXCUSE ME? Just because “other people have more” doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to feel pain after one loss.
His mom, for not dropping it when you were obviously uncomfortable.
> She then told me that its ok and I shouldn’t worry, we can always try again.
This is such an awful thing to say to somebody that’s lost a baby.
> The whole afternoon was filled with my MIL giving advice and trying to tell me how to ‘keep’ a pregnancy.
Again, freaking EXCUSE ME?
Updateme
ESH. Your husband is an ass for telling anyone without communicating with you about it first, especially with the agreement you two had made. OP, you’re also an ass bc you’re completely diminishing the grief your husband is experiencing as well. It’s been a month, and he’s had to stay silent and continue to lie to everyone. That takes its toll on anyone, let alone someone who’s grieving. You both should seek grief counselling bc none of this is healthy. You even contradicted your own argument to him by saying that he didn’t get it bc of how you felt, and he shouldn’t have said anything bc you weren’t ready, and then immediately flipping to how he should’ve waited until you were both ready.
OP no one is ever ready to share or receive that kind of news. And clearly you do understand where his frustration came from that resulted in him telling his mom bc you wound up doing the exact same thing. You didn’t magically overcome your grief in 48 hours, you just finally hit your breaking point on being able to deal with it alone. And your MIL is an ass bc who the hell says that kind of shit to someone who had a miscarriage a month ago!
You are entitled to mourn your loss as you desire. However, so is he.
Did you have a specific discussion about who, when, where this information will be communicated?
MIL sounds like she crossed the line at the point where she started giving advice beyond condolences. Husband crossed the line by saying anything close to, “get over it.”
Maybe there is more to the story that didn’t get communicated, I am sure I am going to get flamed for this, but OP is forgetting that marriage is a partnership and that extends to the in-laws to some extent. How much is up to the couple, but this should be discussed between them.
Sorry for your loss.
You lost your son 4 weeks ago, while I understand that your grief is still in the beginning stage, that is a very long time to expect your husband to keep his grief to himself. He went to his mom for the same reason you went to yours. To express his sadness and receive comfort. Your MIL was insensitive and your husband should have told you when he told her. I suggest you start couples counseling to ensure you both heal together rather than apart
YTA – it can’t be all on your terms. He is grieving and he needed support from his mother. Just because you wanted to pretend to still be pregnant for 4 weeks, doesn’t mean he has to.
You’re minimising his pain by putting your grief above his, he lost his baby too and he should be allowed to grieve his baby in a healthy way. You can’t control someone’s grief process.
I think you are focusing your pain on him because it’s easier than dealing with the horrendous reality of what’s happened. It’s completely normal and healthy for him to want to talk to his own mother about his grief, not just because that’s his mother but because he doesn’t want to burden you with his pain while you’re going through this. The fact that he is close enough to his mother to do this is actually a green flag, as he’s clearly able to express himself emotionally and has a positive outlook about mothers.
However, what he said to you was totally unacceptable. You should definitely take him to task for that, but not for telling his own family. If he’s usually a good man, this is probably his own shock and grief talking. Only you know if this is a wider picture of him being uncaring.
You can’t control how he grieves, just as no-one can control how you grieve. This is a heartbreaking situation and you both need as much support as possible. Please don’t ask him to cut off his support for the sake of you wanting to dictate how family members find out.
I feel so sorry for you. You need to lean on each other instead of finding reasons to take things out on each other X
Edited for typos
Go to grief counseling.
While you lost your baby, so did your partner. He lost his child too. He’s grieving too. He spoke to someone about how he was feeling, you don’t get to gatekeep who he speaks to.
And, seriously, when were you planning on telling people your child had been born stillborn?
INFO When did you tell YOUR mom?
I’m going to be honest with you. Yea. YTA. She is responding very positively, considering and compassionately. He didn’t blurt it out. HES GRIEVING TOO!!! He needed someone to grieve with.
You were going to tell them, but when? You already delivered him so did you have a funeral service???
So very sorry for your loss. If you take a deep breath and think about it, the loss was as much a loss for your husband as it was for you. The world underestimates how grief-stricken many fathers-to-be are when their wives suffer a miscarriage. It may feel like an invasion of your privacy, but your husband was emotionally invested in that pregnancy and mourning the loss.
Men tend to express their grief in different ways in order to heal. Your husband needed to talk to someone he knew would support and trust him. His mother was that person. Four weeks were too many for him, without relief, to carry that burden of the loss of his child, so he sought comfort in his mother.
If you can let yourself feel his level of pain he was experiencing, you’ll open the softness of your heart. There are NO AHs here. He dealt with his pain the best way he could. You did the same, in a more private way. Your MIL might not have shared it with you, but surely that came from a place of compassion. Take a deep breath and realize that there are NO AHs here. Others who’ve suggested grief counseling for both of you are so right. It would help you both heal, not to blame anyone, and to bring you closer together. Again, so sorry for your loss of your son, and you will get through this together.
Just to add: World Health Organization estimates that ~23-25% of pregnancies end in miscarriages. Not uncommon, but still a searing grief.
Yes, YTA. You keep saying “my loss”. Repeatedly. Newsflash: it’s his loss, too. He probably went to his mom for a couple of reasons: 1- to not add the burden of his own grief onto you. 2- because he needed emotional support, too, 3- maybe he was hoping his mom wouldn’t say something excitedly about the baby to you (while still in the dark) and upset you
Umm im sorry but he also lost his baby as well so if he wants to talk to his freaking mom about that then that is certainly within his rights and prerogatives. He doesn’t have to keep it all bottled inside just bc you arent ready to talk about. He can process his grief his own way just like you can. He was supposed to pretend with you to still be prenant for a month, you don’t think that would be painful for him too? No, you dont get to dictate everyones grief, just your own
You cannot possibly expect him to keep the loss of his son to himself. I understand you are grieving but so is he, and sometimes when life hits you really hard you just really need to talk to your mom or dad. Imagine if you talked to your mom or dad about this, and then imagine coming home and him getting angry with you about it. I’m pretty positive most women would leave their man for that.
Soft YTA. It is his grief as well. 4 weeks is some time to wait. I don’t believe he handled the discussion with you very well, but neither did you.
Stopped reading at “my business”. YTA it’s his business as well.
NTA.
I was ready to criticize you for acting like you were the child’s only parent, and the only one who experienced a loss. Normally I would say that the father is also the baby’s parent, and that he’s allowed to seek solace too.
HOWEVER , the way Matt acts dismissive about the loss of his child makes it understandable that you would take this view. After all, he thinks this baby he helped to create was replaceable. He’s not acting like a father, so why should he be treated as one?
As for his mother, am I correct in guessing that the sanctimonious behavior (giving “advice” on how to prevent a loss) she displayed in this story is normal for her? If it is then he shouldn’t have told her, because it would have been easy to see that she’d make a bad situation worse.
He’s grieving as well and needed the comfort of his mom to process the loss. Yta for minimizing his grief.
It wasn’t just your baby. It was his baby too that he lost and he reached out to his mother. How can that ever be construed as bad? I agree with the others. Please seek some help for your grief.
Ur trippin,, that’s his mom, it’s funny you guys inspire to be parents, by doing so you have to actively act like one, wouldnt you want your son to tell u?,,, thought so!! Give that man a break it’s his loss too! Woman for get that, yes u hold trump cards but still takes two!!
YTA tbh. that’s his child and his mom too?? also its been a month… you are obviously no longer pregnant. you need to go to therapy.
You have a lot going on emotionally, but he does have the right to talk to his family about what he’s going through. They knew you were pregnant so it would be super weird if he kept it a secret.
Your MIL’s approach was super inappropriate and I think your anger would be better directed at her than your grieving fiance.
OP, I’m assuming you’re in the US. If not I apologize and please disregard, but:
Postpartum support hotline, call or text 1-833-TLC-MAMA
First Candle 24hr stillbirth hotline (800) 221-7437
This website has a bunch of extra resources as well- https://www.mchlibrary.org/families/frb-infmort.php#:~:text=A%20nationwide%2C%2024%2Dhour%2C,Health%20Bureau%20(MCHB)%20Hotline.
For him to support you, he needs a support system himself. There was nothing wrong with him turning to his mom. He lost a son, too.
I’m sorry for everything you are going through, but Matt is going through something awful, too. I don’t want to call a grieving mother an AH, but this is the sub. I’m sorry, YTA.
YTA
It’s not just your loss.
You’ve kept him isolated from discussing this grief for four weeks because by the looks of your responses? You don’t want to discuss and heal yourself either. He does. He’s desperate for support and leaned on his mother for it because you don’t want to accept what you’ve experienced.
Whatever your mother in law said? It may have impacted you on a level you’re not ready to hear but it wasn’t meant from a place of malice but a place of sympathy. An uncomfortable one because you weren’t prepared but again, it’s been four weeks you didn’t even discuss with those outside your partner how to disclose that you are no longer pregnant, let alone how to help you both move forward after such a traumatic loss.
Take care of yourself. Your anger and sadness is not being ignored, you’ve gone through something painful, but you can’t redirect this onto your partner because you’re hiding from what’s happened. Acceptance is part of grief too.
You and your fiancé have been through so much but don’t be angry at him for telling he’s mom and your mil for being concerned and just trying to help now is not the time to start fighting you all need time to just grieve sometimes you will be sad sometimes you will be angry just let yourself go through the emotions and feel what you feel there is no right or wrong way to feel
This a post could have gone such a different way with them being at lunch and the mother-in-law going on and on about decorating and baby showers and yeah, middle names and christenings and car seats. And then all of a sudden, you’re going to do what.
Your friends threw you a surprise baby or party or whatever because some one in the friend group just hit 13 weeks and is now telling everyone. The talk of being born bestie and shared 1st pregancies together… they did not know and every is all mad and sad now.
That you were holding in such a hugh amount of saddness or were was willing to continue is the saddest most depresses thing of all.
Soft YTA. So let me get this straight it wasn’t fair for him to tell his mother, but you go straight to yours after a fight? And I’m guessing that not much is said about your mother cause she already knew the loss of the baby. How is that fair??
YTA. He lost a child too and his mom lost a grandchild.
It’s unfair to want to deprive him of support or for you to dictate how he grieves.
YTA. I am terribly sorry this happened to you. That being said, your fiancé has had a loss, too. To expect him to be silent is not fair.
Yta (but not really as you’re both grieving). He lost his baby too and it’s totally reasonable for him to tell his mother for support.
Men are so often forgotten at times like this but that baby meant something to him too.
Did she not know you were pregnant?
Hang on, you expected him to just carry on as if you were still pregnant for four weeks, and not even tell his mother? Sorry for your loss but yeah YTA here. It was his baby too, you don’t get to be the only one that talks about it.
YTA. He gets to talk to his mother. You are not the gatekeeper of that relationship.
So sorry for what you’re going through. He’s going through it too and it’s totally ok that he told his mom…. I encourage you to get some grief counseling. Maybe together.
4wks went by and you still didn’t want him to tell his mom his baby wasn’t coming anymore? Babe…
NAH. But you need help.
So he’s just supposed to pretend you’re still pregnant and everything is fine? Death and grief are difficult things. And it was every much his right to seek help and comfort with his family as you were not to seek that help. But this is news you’re allowed to share with your mom but he’s now allowed to share with his? If we’re going to pretend marriage is a two-way street and you two are partners, then he needs to be afforded this. I get it, you’re the woman. It’s physically your job to carry the baby. But it doesn’t mean he’s not allowed to feel that grief and loss. This isn’t “your” singular business. This is “your” plural business.
OP you were wrong to even ask your husband to not reach out to tell his family.
You both lost your unborn child.
His mother was 100% wrong to do anything beyond offering her condolences.
YTA he’s grieving too and needed to confide in someone too
ESH
It’s been 4 weeks and you don’t want him to get any emotional support from people, it’s not reasonable.
But his response wasn’t either
Yeah hate to say it but you the AH, it was his child too and if he wanted to tell his mother he can. Tho his mum sounds like a dick as well and she should have kept her mouth shut about ways to “keep” the baby. Sorry for your loss.
YTA. This was just as much his kid as it was yours. His grief cannot be dismissed because you want to control everything. Please seek grief counseling asap and apologize to your husband and MIL. No, it’s not cool that she said “you can try again” but that’s typically the response people give in regards to situations like this because they just don’t know what to say sometimes.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
So, it wasn’t his baby too? If so, it was his loss as well. Not the AH for being upset. However, when you say it was your business, unless he wasn’t the father, it is both of your loss. I am so sorry for your loss. We lost our one son around that time. My hubby to be was hurt as well and though wasn’t ready for strangers to know, he let his work staff and cousin know before I even got to tell my family. Many hospitals or clinics have grief support groups and or counseling for individuals and couples. I also suggest SHARE online that has resources for pregnancy and infant loss.
NTA
His mommy is not your family and not entitled to any of your private medical information.
Tell your boyfriend that if he is unable to maintain your privacy within your relationship. You will just stop telling him anything you don’t want to share with his mommy.
No judgement
I am sorry for your loss, but I am sorry for his loss too.
Yeah, you need to get you both some grief counseling. You both went through a very traumatic experience, and need to get some help for it. As for him telling his mom about the loss, it’s been a month. What do you expect him to say to his mom? Just keep lying until you are ready to talk about it? Especially when he obviously needs some help and someone to talk to about it.
So it wasn’t his baby? Is he not allowed to process his grief? Do you hate his mother? Do you control everything about his life or are you in charge of his emotions?
I understand you are going through a lot physically and emotionally but, your husband probably thought y’all were a team and now he is learning that you only care about you and your loss.
YTA
NAH. I am so very sorry for your loss. Your boyfriend is grieving too. Of course he would share it with his mom. You both need some counseling or a support group for loss.
I think he has a right to tell his mom. It’s not only your business, it’s also his business and he has a right to discuss his loss and seek solace from this own mom.
I think you both could benefit from grief and couples counseling.
What an a hole your husband is. You will never get over it. I lost a baby at 14 weeks. I think about him/her, from time to time. It’s been over 30 years!
Geez, NTA. Stop hooking up with momma’s boys.
YTA. I understand that you went through the still birth and wanted to do things on your time, but your fiance ALSO lost his son. If his mom is important enough that she was the first person he went to with his grief, then he should be able to tell her why he’s devastated, too.
Again, yes, you went through it physically and emotionally, but he ALSO went through it emotionally. You should both get grief counseling.
Grief over a lost child is doubled in a loving relationship. Seeking counsel from Mom is normal for someone suffering. Please get counselling
YTA He is also dealing with the loss in a different way than you and maybe that is talking it through with his mom. His relationship with his mom doesn’t end when you enter his life.
NTA – because given the situation you can’t be!
You have had 4 weeks to privately process your loss. It’s not enough to get to a good place but your immediate family should certainly know by now. Four months after the event is not in any way “early on”.
Your husband was not wrong to share his loss with his mother. I’m sure you looked to him for support, maybe he needed a shoulder, too. You don’t really seem to consider the effect on him. He lost a child, too.
Your real issue is his mother. She didn’t know enough to keep her stupid comments and advice to herself. YOU sat there and listened. Why the fuck didn’t you just tell her to STFU?? No one took your voice or tied you to the chair. She was rude, insensitive and intrusive, you said nothing.
You’re angry with your husband but his mother’s behavior is not his fault.
I am somewhat concerned about the garbage he spouted when he left but I hope it was out of anger after you attacked him. If he really has that little understanding then he may be beyond saving.
Grief counseling and couples counseling should help you both understand and heal – together.
Oh dear. You’re grieving. You both are. Some people in their grief self-isolate until they can process their emotions and learn how to accept their new reality. You felt the life in your son while in your belly, knew him as real to you, and haven’t been able to move into this world and share your grief with others yet. It sounds like he grieves differently – it’s not wrong for him to process his feelings differently, or to want to rely on his mom, if the both of you are struggling to lean on each other.
That said – the world doesn’t stop when we lose someone. Time has a horrible, cruel way of dragging us forward, no matter how much we resist. You lost your son a month ago, and you knew at some point people would have questions. You might not have been ready for the conversations – and this is where you and your husband failed each other, by not discussing how to tell people, when to do so, or even asking a close friend to circulate to families/friends a “what not to say” sheet (it sounds silly, but it’s so often needed, sadly).
Your MIL said all the wrong things, likely partially to her own grief and struggle to support you both. It sounds like your husband, in his own way, is trying to figure out what moving on can look like, and for him, he thinks another baby will somehow reset your experience as new parents – which is never going to be the case.
You both need grief counseling, and possibly individual and couples therapy.
NAH – I’d say E S H, but I think the only person truly problematic is the MIL, and even then, she may have done the best she could think of in that moment.
I’m sorry but YTA. “My baby”, “my baby”. No, it was both yours and his baby, and he wanted to talk to someone, perhaps even to grieve. You say he talks as if the baby meant nothing, but it really reads that he having to keep his thoughts and feelings to himself to help you.
ESH
I am so sorry for the loss you are experiencing! I know that sweet boy will never be far from your thoughts.
Something to remember is that this is shared trauma and grief. Not just yours, not just his. Ideally the two of you would have made a plan together for how to share this news with loved ones. Did you? Because it doesn’t seem as though you did based on what I read. Was there a timeline? Specific information you wanted to share? An agreement on how to share the news or with who? I can’t tell if the two of you talked this through and made a plan. Now feelings are hurt and grief is being misdirected as anger at one another.
4 weeks is a long time to expect your fiance to pretend that he didn’t suffer a loss. It’s a long time for you as well. How long were you expecting to keep this loss to yourself? That pain will not go away or be easier to face by delaying telling people. You can absolutely tell people that you are not ready to talk about it and shut down any conversations on the topic. Your fiance likewise should be granted the opportunity to talk or not talk about a major life experience as well.
Now your MIL… the shit she said to you is not okay. People say the most unhinged things to people who have experienced miscarriages or still births. The one I hated the most was “at least you know you can get pregnant.” None of the toxic positivity that spews from people’s mouths can erase that that life existed, was wanted, and was cherished. You did nothing wrong! Your son was desired and loved! Your MIL can fuck right off with her advice for how to keep a pregnancy as though that’s not exactly what you wanted in the first place — this is so offensive. Some of the things you shared that your fiance said kind of sound like a mirror of what your MIL said to you. I wonder if she may have gotten into his head a little and confused his feelings about the situation.
You are both experiencing a lot of grief. He likely also feels helpless about the situation because he couldn’t protect you from this. There is clearly anger, likely depression, frustration… sadness, loss. You are experiencing a whole gauntlet of emotions and your fiance saying he is stressed is probably how all those emotions are manifesting. You both could use grief counseling or couple’s counseling.
Take a deep breath. Give yourself some grace. Allow that same grace for your fiance. You are experiencing one of the hardest challenges you can face as an individual and within a relationship. This is not an easy thing you are navigating — it’s a struggle. It leaves a mark. One day at a time.
ESH but for OP and her husband it is understandable. MIL was just TAH.
YTA as you didn’t acknowledge that he will be grieving as well and tried to prevent him reaching out to his support system during a time of loss. All so you could process the loss in your way. I understand it is a totally different experience when the child was growing inside of you vs not but he has the right to grieve as well. As I say it is understandable though as you had gone through a loss which can cause all kinds of issues.
Husband is TAH for storming off rather than having a discussion, for minimising the loss (though this can be a symptom of grief attempting to rationalise the loss as not significant) and not being up front about the fact he wanted to discuss the loss with his mother. Again understandable though given the giref and loss.
MIL is TAH… well for obvious reasons, all the comments she made were ridiculous and comepletely uncalled for. Yes she did also lose a potential grandchild but even with that comments about how to ‘keep’ a pregnancy are totally inapropriate even a month later.
Basically it seems mainly like both of you just need to process the loss and have a frank discussion about how both you and your husband made mistakes in handling the situation, that those mistakes are things to learn from.
What your mother-in-law said to you was inappropriate And you would have been well within your right to tell her you don’t want to talk about that topic with her. You still are within your right to tell her going forward you do not want to discuss this subject with her. That is a perfectly fine boundary for you to have.
However what you do not have the right to do is set that boundary for your partner. You are not the only one grieving in this situation. Your partner is as well expecting them to stay quiet for 4 weeks is unrealistic. Telling them how to grieve and how to process is not your place.
I don’t think that your partner’s reaction to you was appropriate but I also don’t think that you telling him he shouldn’t have said anything to his mother was appropriate either. Long and short of it is grief does funny things to people.
I recommend that you both seek counseling you both just experienced a pretty traumatic loss and that’s going to take some time to work through.
NAH
It is still fresh, you are still intensely grieving. I know that right now it is hard to imagine being ok again. I say this with the most empathy as o have stood where you stand now: do not let your grief rule you and turn to anger. The loss was also your husbands, it is completely valid he wanted to seek comfort from his mom. Yes, what she said was annoying and wrong, you did not cause your miscarriage.
My MIL told me she’d never heard of anyone having a miscarriage after the first trimester and it must have been bad genes on my side. Entirely fucked up, but people do not know how to speak to women going through it, it’s such a taboo subject.
I’m sending all my love to you, use this time to focus on you and do what you have to to get through it because that’s all you can do right now.
He lost his child as well.
I don’t think anyone is the A H here but you both need grief counseling as others said.
He knew you were hurting and so was he. And what do kids do, no matter how old they are, (and have a good relationship) is go to their mom or dad. The one who always makes the boo boo feel better.
Still happens with our 30 year olds.
Cut him some slack about his mom but he needs to admit and apologize for what he said about others loosing more.
You both need help not conflict
I’m confused. Your first few lines say “everyone knew” but then you got mad your MIL knew?
I think he should have told you he had spoken to his mum, so that you weren’t blindsided by her mentioning it.
I feel like he has a right to grieve too, and if telling his mum helps him through, I dont believe he did wrong in telling her.
You have a right to privacy, also, and shouldn’t have to discuss the loss with others until you are ready.
The issue is the lack of communication with you both. If you weren’t ready for people knowing, but he needed to tell his mum for support, then he could have told his mum and asked her not to discuss the loss with you, as you are not ready for that yet. He should have told you his intentions of telling his mum, or at the very least, told you he already had.
People grieve in different ways, and sometimes it’s hard when the things we need to get through a loss is different to what someone else needs. This is why communication is important. You are partners: team mates. You need to help each other get through the hard times, which sometimes means coming to a compromise. You could have kept your privacy (to a degree) and been free of others discussing the loss with you, and he could have had the chance to vent and get parental support in a fair way, had you both have just communicated with each other. But from your post, you made it plain to him what you needed, and never asked him what he needed to cope with the grief. And he went against what you asked, without telling you that he had, so you were blindsided by his mother.
Neither of you are arseholes for needing what you need to cope with the loss. But you’re both responsible for not communicating with each other, not considering each others’ needs, and putting yourselves first rather than truly supporting each other and tackling this as a team.
I am sorry for your loss, and I hope you both find a way through this. As others have said, seek grief counselling if you both need it.
He’s showing you who he is.. Listen.
Don’t have another baby with this pathetic excuse of a man.
Heal and love yourself. You have every right to grieve for your baby.
Girl I’m not blaming you, you’ve been through something horrible and you need time and maybe some help (counseling) to deal with it. But I do think the real asshole here is your MIL. Even if your husband confided in her which he might’ve needed to, he was hurt too. She shouldn’t have talked about it with you and she certainly shouldn’t have talked about how to try again etc etc. so yeah talk to your husband say how that made you feel and that’s why you reacted as you did. It’s not your fault.
So his mom tells you how to keep a pregnancy unasked and your husband is brushing it off like your son was nothing? Yikes