Edit – it is a Mason Pearson Brush and the transaction in our bank account confirms the store he bought it from and there was a receipt in the box showing the $320 for the brush. He got expedited shipping. I asked him where he knew about the brush and he said his sister always talked about wanting one. I do think his intentions were to get me a nice gift but I did not react how he excepted.
My husband (29M) and I(28F) have been together for nine years and married for seven. It’s our seven year wedding anniversary this upcoming weekend. We have been going through it as a couple over the past year. We have three children together and our youngest is just barely a year old. Since our youngest was born we’ve really been struggling. My husband has a long history of financial issues and impulse buying. Over the past year we have really struggled financially because of this.
When we argue he almost always goes on a drive to get out of the house and calm down. Last month I found out that when he was going on these “drives” he was actually getting hotels alone or going to strip clubs. Spending hundreds and hundreds of dollars we couldn’t spare on these things. After finding this out I decided to move in with my parents for a little while so we could decide what we wanted to do with our relationship. We made the decision to put a lot of effort into marriage counseling (which we’ve never tried before) and also do individual therapy and work on our marriage.
A couple of weeks ago, I got my husband a bag that he’s been asking for, for years. He was thrilled and I got him special pins for the bag. I was so happy to get him something he really wanted. So he told me he wanted to buy me something special for an anniversary gift. He talked up this gift for a week. Every day telling me how much I would love it and how I have always wanted it. I saw in our bank account that the gift was $320. I’m not sure what I was expecting but when he gave me the gift today and it was a hair brush I was confused and didn’t give him the reaction he wanted. I said “oh thank you!” And tried to seem excited but I was honestly just confused. Apparently it is a really nice brush but I had never heard of it before or asked for a brush. However, the type of brush is not good for my hair type.
He is really upset at me because of my reaction. I have since apologized several times and told him I really do appreciate the sentiment. Which I do really appreciate being thought about but I can’t help but feeling disappointed that he didn’t get me something he has known I wanted or would like. We also do not have the extra money to spare to get expensive gifts like that so it was a really big deal to get a gift like that.
Am I the asshole??
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My husband and I have been together for nine years and married for seven. It’s our seven year wedding anniversary this upcoming weekend. We have been going through it as a couple over the past year. We have three children together and our youngest is just barely a year old. Since our youngest was born we’ve really been struggling. My husband has a long history of financial issues and impulse buying. Over the past year we have really struggled financially because of this.
When we argue he almost always goes on a drive to get out of the house and calm down. Last month I found out that when he was going on these “drives” he was actually getting hotels alone or going to strip clubs. Spending hundreds and hundreds of dollars we couldn’t spare on these things. After finding this out I decided to move in with my parents for a little while so we could decide what we wanted to do with our relationship. We made the decision to put a lot of effort into marriage counseling (which we’ve never tried before) and also do individual therapy and work on our marriage.
A couple of weeks ago, I got my husband a bag that he’s been asking for, for years. He was thrilled and I got him special pins for the bag. I was so happy to get him something he really wanted. So he told me he wanted to buy me so special for an anniversary gift. He talked up this gift for a week. Every day telling me how much I would love it and how I have always wanted it. I saw in our bank account that the gift was $320. I’m not sure what I was expecting but when he gave me the gift today and it was a hair brush I was confused and didn’t give him the reaction he wanted. I said “oh thank you!” And tried to seem excited but I was honestly just confused. Apparently it is a really nice brush but I had never heard of it before or asked for a brush. However, the type of brush is not good for my hair type.
He is really upset at me because of my reaction. I have since apologized several times and told him I really do appreciate the sentiment. Which I do really appreciate being thought about but I can’t help but feeling disappointed that he didn’t get me something he has known I wanted or would like. We also do not have the extra money to spare to get expensive gifts like that so it was a really big deal to get a gift like that.
Am I the asshole??
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I didn’t give my husband is a big reaction to an anniversary gift he gave me.
2. I may be the asshole because I didn’t react very happily when my husband got me a very expensive hair brush for my anniversary gift.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. Y’all need marriage counseling. The hairbrush is the least of your worries.
NTA. And unless you’ve looked into the brand and confirmed it, that $320 wasn’t spent on the hairbrush.
NTA. Are you sure the brush cost that much? Did you actually look it up? Is there a possibility he spent the money elsewhere or bought something bigger and then exchanged it for a smaller item?
He wanted to feel like he was as good a partner (or maybe just gift-giver) as you are, and preferred you lie to him or fake a reaction, than him actually do the work of being a good partner / gift giver.
If he had genuinely put thought and effort into this – and maybe he did – he may be genuinely hurt you weren’t more excited but you aren’t an AH for having this reaction. You didn’t disparage it or him, you simply are confused. Don’t apologize for confusion. You aren’t crazy or offbase for not gushing about a gift you never wanted. I worry that his behavior is very manipulating. It’s like he was talking the gift up so much just so you would know it meant a lot to him and to spur a certain reaction from you. Pretty gross.
NTA. Your husband sucks. Have you looked up this super special brush? Because I doubt it actually costs that much money.
Also, you realize he’s likely been cheating on you, right?
NTA – your reaction is because of your suspicions were proved true. He’s baffled because he didn’t know you had suspicions. Come clean and tell him you saw the $320 withdraw from the bank and logical conclusion that the hairbrush didn’t cost that much. What did he use the money for?
Darlin- he’s behaving in a way that is not trustworthy. Let him go.
>I saw in our bank account that the gift was $320
>it was a hair brush
And what did he do with the other $310? NTA
So you know he’s been picking up sex workers, right? I’m guessing the last one was $300.
You are allowed to be disappointed by a gift that you know was expensive, and that isn’t very useful to you. NTA.
Now. A really cynical read of this situation would be that your husband talked up this gift specifically in order to manufacture a situation where he’s bought you an expensive gift and you come across as ungrateful. I don’t know him, and have no basis for assuming this is what happened.
The reason I mention it is because he talked it up and specifically said it was something you “always wanted.” But if you’ve never heard of the brand and that type of brush isn’t even useful to you, then either he has severely misunderstood something, or he’s not being completely truthful.
NTA
What brush cost THAT much??? Holy cow.
There are more issues than just a hair brush and glad you guys are doing therapy. Gift shopping for spouses can be hard ( been married almost 20 yrs) and my husband is just NOW getting better at it even with us having gift lists or me emailing him wish lists and ideas.
Women in my opinion take more time to think out a gift, budget sometimes, figure out what will give that shock value so to speak for it while men sometimes need a hand holding and even shoving a item in their face wont work. It is just how the human brain works sometimes.
…unless the hairbrush was a mason pearson, that was not spent on the hairbrush.
but if i had to guess who did tell him they really wanted this super pricy brush you can’t use? i’d say they had high heels and very little clothing on at the time.
what sentiment is it that you’re supposed to be appreciating? the bit where he doesn’t know what you want, or the bit where he spent money you can’t afford to spend?
ultimately, he got you a bad gift he can’t afford, and you said thank you, and then he got mad at you.
nta.
He’s brushin’ all kinds of shit under your rug.
Brush up on your employment skills and cut outta there now.
NTA Thats a ‘you’re the wife shaped object’ gift
And he was creating those fights to have an excuse to go cheat
Ask yourself if thats the type of life you want your kids to live, cos theyre watching your relationship
He was going to strip clubs and getting hotels alone? Come on now. It is entirely possible that someone he is sleeping with told him that they have always wanted that brush. It just wasn’t you. Leave his cheating ass and be done.
It’s hard to get excited over a hair brush. Never heard of a hair brush costing that much but I’d be upset he spent that much on it.
So, you bought him something you knew he wanted, and he bought you a ridiculously expensive version of a product that you don’t even use.
There’s a mismatch in effort going on here. He thinks that all he has to do is spend a lot of money on you, but that’s not what you did when you bought his gift. You thought hard about what he likes, what he uses, what he needs, and you used the information you know about him to get him a gift he loved. He most likely saw an expensive product online that some women like and assumed that since you’re a woman, you’d like it. What’s more, it’s a continuation of spending unnecessary amounts of money on things you don’t want or need. This is a clear sign that he’s not learning or growing or changing his patterns.
He’s not putting as much effort toward repairing your relationship as he needs to be, and without equal levels of effort, this is never going to work.
It seems suspicious to me that he would go to either a strip club a just a hotel alone… Especially without even staying the night in the hotel, since you mentionned that you found out later. The brush thing is also suspicious. NTA but it seems to me like there are things that you don’t know about.
Did you cut off and sell your long beautiful hair in order to buy him that bag, only to have him buy you an expensive brush? Ah, the gift of the magi.
But seriously – what did you wish for instead? Did he know? I think some people like to give or receive normal items that are extremely high quality. Another woman may have been really excited by the brush. Sounds like. you two have more work to do in order to understand each other’s needs better.
A $320 brush? I doubt it. Sounds like he’s cheating, honestly. I’m sorry.
Nta, for your reaction.
Yta, for staying with this man who doesn’t love you or your kids to do what’s best for them. He’s a man who does what he wants, and when he can’t because he’s broke, he has to put up with the 4 of you. YOU CAN DO ALL OF THIS WITHOUT DRAGGING A SINKING SHIP.
Drop his butt move on. Start living your life.
I think the hairbrush is the least of your problems.
Draining your finances, running away when stuff gets hard, strippers, hotel rooms (sorry, girl, those are escorts not strippers that he has likely been paying for)? I hope your individual therapist will help you to see the value in loving and respecting yourself. You are still so young.
NTA
Your husband doesn’t listen or pay attention. Turn the gift back in, get the $320.00 back and get something you’d really like for yourself.
EsH
Baffled cause why are you apologizing for z scrappy gift you received? And airbrush cost $320 USD?
Just the spending problem is a problem
Fiscal issues is a relationship problem
Okay mason Pearson brushes are incredible and if my husband got me one I’d cry happy tears BUT it was not the right gift for you because you didn’t even know what it was and had no interest in it. A big extravagant gift like that is only good if your partner is interested in something like that because it shows you care about their interests AND broke the bank for it. Instead, your husband has demonstrated that he doesn’t know you very well at all which is especially heartbreaking considering he’s supposed to be repairing what he already broke in your marriage.
tell him as much as you appreciate this gift, tell him you’d like to exchange it for something more useful for yourself. he should hand you the receipt for you to exchange it, then you should buy something you do want.
I bought my sister a Mason Pearson brush as a Christmas gift because she asked for it. It was expensive but not $320
Are we talking about the Dyson air wrap or another one of those fancy heat tools? Bc otherwise he didnt spend $320 on a plain old hairbrush.
Regardless NTA and you have bigger problems than a weird gift
Did you marry my ex? This is the exact shit he did. I finally had to write a list of different things I wanted and told him to pick one, and he wasn’t to deviate from it. I’d rather he get me a rose bush than a vacuum. Again. NTA
NTA. Divorce him. I Googled it and apparently it’s from a place called the Vermont Country Store – yeah, the brushes from that place are that expensive. The main issue is honesty here – he lied when he said he was going “out for a drive” when in fact he was out getting hotels alone (which I don’t believe, the alone part) or the strip clubs. Infidelity, spending money that you don’t have… it all comes from the same place and the only remedy is to end the marriage.
That hairbrush is the rolls Royce of brushes. It will last you a lifetime. My mum has had hers for over 50 years and it’s still like new. I’ve had mine for over 35 years. We have long fine hair and it’s the best. once I forgot it on a 3 week holiday and it was infuriating. I ended up buying a lot of brushes and tried my friends but not one was as good. Maybe you don’t see the value of an expensive brush but it really is worth it.
$325 looks like the dude picked the QVC one.
If it weren’t for the other issues I’d say he was just a bit rubbish at gifting and oblivious. Probably heard his sister go on about it went “yea that’s what women want” and genuinely thought you would be stoked to be spoilt.
That said given other issues it feels lazy, like didn’t even consider your interests or if you would like it, more a “yea that will do, it’s fancy and pricey”
If someone got me one too would be like “um gee thanks” as honestly I wouldn’t care for an insanely expensive hairbrush, just like I wouldn’t GAF about expensive high heels or whatever .
Either way NTA for your reaction, you were disappointed which is understandable, people want a gift to genuinely come from the heart, show thought and care and interest in you which this didn’t
Curious, I googled, and the most expensive brush that came up was “only” $225… I swore by natural bristle brushes but I wouldn’t pay three digits for one. This whole story is weird but whatever, welcome to reddit.
He bought you a brush….. His sister wanted…. After you got him something he spoke of for years….. After he financially stunted your family to go see a pair of knockers and sleep in a fancy bed for a night by himself…… What have you gained in this situation?
Mason Pearson brushes are amazing. Can you exchange it for the right one for your hair?
Those brushes are like $160 did he buy 2?
I need to see this $320 brush.
You can get a decent brush at the dollar store lol
NTA
I’m soooo sorry you got the world’s most expensive brush! My husband does the same thing with gifts. Thankfully my daughter can rein him in most times. I wouldn’t have been so nice if I found out he spent so much money on a brush I never asked for. (I have a story about Mother’s Day and the dollar store).
NTA why do you have to apologize for not liking a gift from your partner that’s nothing close to what you want or like.