Kinda want your opinion if I’m the asshole. Several times, my parents have taken my brother and his family on “family vacations”. I live across country and am single. I’ve never been invited on these “family vacations”. To add, my brother recently had a courthouse wedding and I wasn’t invited. I got into it with mom today. Maybe I can’t go, but an invitation would be nice and make me feel excluded as part of the family. She said I chose to be far away so they don’t invite me and said I need to make more of an effort (which she couldn’t elaborate on). I travel to see them at least once a year. They NEVER come to see me. I told her I understand my choice to be far away, but being included by invitation in family events would be a nice gesture. Purposely excluding me because they think I can’t come makes it feel like I’m not part of the family. They don’t know what I can and can’t do. She also went on that my brother looks out for her by trying to keep her active (I have spent countless hours finding things for my parents to do in retirement to keep them active and it was never acknowledged). I know they’ve always favored my brother. That’s not the issue. The issue is am I wrong for feeling hurt they exclude me from “family” events because I live far away?
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Kinda want your opinion if I’m the asshole. Several times, my parents have taken my brother and his family on “family vacations”. I live across country and am single. I’ve never been invited on these “family vacations”. To add, my brother recently had a courthouse wedding and I wasn’t invited. I got into it with mom today. Maybe I can’t go, but an invitation would be nice and make me feel excluded as part of the family. She said I chose to be far away so they don’t invite me and said I need to make more of an effort (which she couldn’t elaborate on). I travel to see them at least once a year. They NEVER come to see me. I told her I understand my choice to be far away, but being included by invitation in family events would be a nice gesture. Purposely excluding me because they think I can’t come makes it feel like I’m not part of the family. They don’t know what I can and can’t do. She also went on that my brother looks out for her by trying to keep her active (I have spent countless hours finding things for my parents to do in retirement to keep them active and it was never acknowledged). I know they’ve always favored my brother. That’s not the issue. The issue is am I wrong for feeling hurt they exclude me from “family” events because I live far away?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My mom thinks I’m an asshole because I moved far away. I got into it with her because I don’t think moving should make me not a part of the family anymore. Mom thinks I’m being unreasonable.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Find your own people – these ones aren’t them.
I’ve been in your shoes. But I didn’t move far away, just about 35-40 minutes. Still didn’t get included. I finally stopped reaching out. At one point, it was almost 10 months before I heard from them. I realized that, that 10 months was the most peaceful I had felt in a really long time. I didn’t cut them off, but I put the ball in their court. I can’t lie and say it doesn’t make me sad, but I am much better emotionally for it.
NTA for your feelings, but why work yourself into a neurotic state over it? If they don’t want you in their lives and don’t consider you in their plans then you have no obligation to include them in yours.
NTA
In the only one in my family that lives far away. I’m the youngest of four. There is no way there would be a family vacation I wasn’t at least invited on.
The only sibling that hasn’t been out to visit us on their own is my one sister with 4 kids, because , well…4 kids (lol). But even she came out for my oldest’s graduation.
I visit twice a year and my mom visits at least once a year. They’ve all been out for graduations and some have flown to help with medical issues.
My entire point is that it’s a two way street. And I’m really sorry your family sucks.
NTA: I would start increasing the distance emotionally, call less etc…
NTA
Let me hold both your hands when I say this to you…
They suck. Stop chasing them. Stop begging to be included. Start creating your own family and experiences. Visit once yearly. Call weekly. And go create a big, beautiful life. When you need hyped up or validated, hit up r/momforaminute.
NTA, your brother is the golden child.
NTA for feeling your feelings.
You’ve expressed those feelings to them, and it seems like they’re unwilling to go the extra step. I mean, if they REALLY think you can’t come, then how hard would it be to ask anyway?
They say you can’t choose your family, but actually, you can. You can make your own family around the people who spend time with you, invite you to things and make you a part of your life. I know it hurts, but my advice is to stop wishing they’d be the family you want and expend your effort creating the family you want. You’ll get a lot more reward out of it.
My sibling lives on the other side of the country, but they visit yearly and is included in everything.
Just because you live far away doesn’t mean you aren’t part of the family. You should be invited to family events and vacations. You won’t be able to go to everything but it should be your choice.
Do you have cousins or other family you are close with? Go on vacation with them and call it a family vacation. Post pics of your family vacation and let your parents and siblings feel like the ones left out.
Stop doing anything for them. Don’t make any effort. Let them feel your lack of attention.
NTA anytime they come to you for help do not do it. Tell them to go to your brother since that’s their golden child
So basically they’re “rewarding” the one who stayed close so they can get help from them more quickly. Very telling. I would be very hurt but my advice is to start working on creating a group of friends where you are. They’ll never change.
I’m 68 and my brother will always be Little Boy Blue. Used to bother me a lot. Went to therapy and learned to deal with it.
NTA, this happened to me. Everything was for my brother. Follow your own path or you’ll be disappointed for the rest of their lives.
NTA. You have every right to be hurt. Drop the rope. Stop calling, engaging all in the hopes something you will say will finally make them understand. They won’t. Protect your peace and let them go. You deserve better than trying to maintain a relationship that only serves to hurt you.
NTA- Return the energy they are giving you. Let the golden child deal with them all on his own. Seek and build your own family who will actually support you because your parents never will. Stop wasting your time and money on people who don’t appreciate it.
NTA. I’m sorry your family sucks. They aren’t worth your time or energy. I hope you have safe, loving people in your life – you deserve to be cared about and respected.
Sharing DNA only makes you relatives. FAMILY is defined by behavior.
These people aren’t family to you. They’re relatives. Please focus on your life and creating a family of your chosen people who treat you with the same regard as you have for them.
I’m sorry that your relatives suck. But they do. You deserve better!
Edit to add: NTA.
And it’s just as well that you live a nice distance away. The way they’re acting, they sound like they’d be the same way toward you if you lived right next door, because they’re uncaring a-holes.
Also invite them and the brother. Men don’t plan like women that is why women as they age have more friends and are more active. So start planning some trips with them. Don’t wait on your mom. At least try and see what happens.
Info: Would you actually go on the vacation? Meet them where you are going?
It sounds like YTA, like “I can’t go, but I want to be invited”. If you’d like to be invited, then say “I would love to go on a vacation with you guys, where were you looking into going, let’s work together to find a date that works.”
>I know they’ve always favored my brother. That’s not the issue.
But that is precisely the issue. It’s nice when your family of origin is loving and close, but unfortunately some of us don’t get that, so we have to create a family of choice.
Do you have extended family (e.g, aunts/uncles, cousins) you can reach out to and perhaps develop a closer bond with? Also, find friends who will support and uplift you.
NTA. I understand your feelings. Around age 42 I realized my hurt feelings and heart were a direct result of MY expectations people didn’t want to meet or didn’t have the capacity like I hoped. My perception changed, as did some of my relationships. Growth was hard. I am much happier now. There are still moments, but I can’t change other people and how they see me.
You are not the A/H but sounds like your family is! If it is for bigger events like weddings and vacations, they should at least ASK! Especially the wedding! That is crazy. I am so sorry OP! Your family is crappy!
Nta. They are being vindictive and punishing you. This would not happen if you had been born male. Please stop visiting these people annually. They don’t deserve it. Stop doing things for them. Let their son do it. You deserve better.
DNTAH your family is not worth any of your time. As one poster suggested cut them out of your life, totally no contact. It will be hard at first but will get better. Please seek therapy and/or a support group to help you emotionally heal. Time to weed out your family garden. Good luck stay strong
NYA I have the EXACT same situation going on. They will go to France but won’t visit me so I stopped going every year.