My friends and I (uni aged) were planning a surprise bday party for someone in our friend group (let’s call them Izzy). It was originally planned for Tuesday, under the guise of just a normal hangout, but things came up for Izzy on Tuesday, and the group had to improvise to tell them to hang out on Monday instead. So the group reschedules the party while they’re in class (that I am not in).
Now, one of my friends (let’s call them Shannon) texts in the planning groupchat, “change of plans”, nothing else. I follow up with “what’s the change?”. I get ghosted for a literal whole DAY with no extra information. So I ask again, and now suddenly everyone knows what’s going on and is telling me the plan. I get suspicious and I DM another friend (Taylor) to ask about it. The time they settled on was right in the middle of my lab, and everyone else was free. I had mentioned before that I was not free on Monday. Taylor tells me to call in sick so I can attend this party. I object, because when I’m paying 600 bucks in tuition for a class I am not gonna skip it.
Not long after I finish my conversation with Taylor, Shannon sends a VM in the GC responding to everything I asked Taylor. They sound dismissive, not caring that I cannot make it at all, while still asking me to contribute to the decorations. Since I already have the decor prepared, I might as well bring and hand them off. Shannon also dismissively tells me to rush my lab so I can go to the party, after all the cake cutting.
I’m not frustrated about the fact that I can’t be part of the party or that I have to contribute to decorations. I don’t mind that. I’m frustrated about the fact they seemingly made plans without me and didn’t think to TELL me until I asked them (twice) about it. I don’t feel appreciated or acknowledged at all in my own friend group –and it’s worth noting that this is not the first time they’ve made plans and left me out of the planning process either. I haven’t texted back in the GC to say I understand. I’m feeling left out and petty and angry but Am I Being an Asshole for being petty over this seemingly trivial issue???
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My friends and I (uni aged) were planning a surprise bday party for someone in our friend group (let’s call them Izzy). It was originally planned for Tuesday, under the guise of just a normal hangout, but things came up for Izzy on Tuesday, and the group had to improvise to tell them to hang out on Monday instead. So the group reschedules the party while they’re in class (that I am not in).
Now, one of my friends (let’s call them Shannon) texts in the planning groupchat, “change of plans”, nothing else. I follow up with “what’s the change?”. I get ghosted for a literal whole DAY with no extra information. So I ask again, and now suddenly everyone knows what’s going on and is telling me the plan. I get suspicious and I DM another friend (Taylor) to ask about it. The time they settled on was right in the middle of my lab, and everyone else was free. I had mentioned before that I was not free on Monday. Taylor tells me to call in sick so I can attend this party. I object, because when I’m paying 600 bucks in tuition for a class I am not gonna skip it.
Not long after I finish my conversation with Taylor, Shannon sends a VM in the GC responding to everything I asked Taylor. They sound dismissive, not caring that I cannot make it at all, while still asking me to contribute to the decorations. Since I already have the decor prepared, I might as well bring and hand them off. Shannon also dismissively tells me to rush my lab so I can go to the party, after all the cake cutting.
I’m not frustrated about the fact that I can’t be part of the party or that I have to contribute to decorations. I don’t mind that. I’m frustrated about the fact they seemingly made plans without me and didn’t think to TELL me until I asked them (twice) about it. I don’t feel appreciated or acknowledged at all in my own friend group –and it’s worth noting that this is not the first time they’ve made plans and left me out of the planning process either. I haven’t texted back in the GC to say I understand. I’m feeling left out and petty and angry but Am I Being an Asshole for being petty over this seemingly trivial issue???
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I ghosted someone’s message and a, being petty about a seemingly trivial issue. This might make me an asshole because I’m being petty over a stupid dispute between my friends and being sarcastic to them
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA.
You are not being petty for feeling frustrated. Being consistently left out of plans, especially in your own friend group, is valid to be upset about. The issue is not that you cannot attend the party or that you are contributing decorations; it is that your friends made important scheduling decisions without communicating with you and then dismissed your inability to adjust.
Wanting to be acknowledged and included in group planning is reasonable. Your feelings of anger and exclusion are a natural response to being overlooked repeatedly. You are not the asshole for noticing this pattern and feeling frustrated, even if it seems trivial to others.
No, you don’t “have” to do decor if your friends don’t communicate with you. Are they having this party in the middle of the day kid style or why can’t you go after your lab?
Y’all are adults, birthday parties are not that big a deal. This is a load of unnecessary drama.
YTA
NTA.
in Obi-Wan Kenobi voice These are not the friends you are looking for.
You should be more frustrated about this. They do not sound like even the bare minimum of friends.
INFO: If this isn’t the first time these people have done this, why do you still believe that they are your friends? Do you really think friends should treat each other like this?
NTA
Taylor and Shannon don’t sound like they care about y’alls friendship. Withhold any decorations you paid for and don’t contribute financially to the party. You can celebrate separately with Izzy at another time and use them the decorations then.
The fact that they chose a day and time that they need you couldn’t make it speaks volumes. They could possibly just be using you for the decorations you got and for money for the party that you can’t go to.
Since this sort of thing seems to be a habit for them then it seems like it would be a good idea to sit down with each of them individually and discuss things so you can see where you stand with these people. There are multiple levels of friends in this world, and it could be that you see them as a closer friend than they see you as.
Frankly I’m petty and act like a mirror. (If someone is nice to me I’m nice back, but they are mean or disrespectful then I’m that way back.) In your position I’d probably talk to Izzy, ruin the surprise, mention that it had apparently been specifically rescheduled for a day and time that I couldn’t make it and then arrange my own plans with them to celebrate their birthday as just the two of us. (I understand and accept that there are some people who would call me an ass for doing something like that, but I understand and accept that. I simply can’t stand being disrespected by people that are supposedly my friends and will stand up for myself even if I end up standing alone.)
NTA, you need to find better friends.