I’ve been with my girlfriend for 5 years. I had known from the start she suffered from depression, it was initially quite bad but after the first 6 months or so things started looking up and were great for a couple of years.
The last probably year and a half to two years, she has been up and down and I’ve tried to be supportive but for the last year things have just been going downhill. We still go on dates etc but she’ll spend a lot of it complaining about something or talking bout how low she’s been feeling.
Most evenings are the same, she’ll sit and complain about things or just be quiet and say she’s not feeling great. She has had free therapy on the NHS and is on antidepressants but won’t talk to her doctor about possibly changing them or upping the dose. I told her we needed to talk and I just told her that I wasn’t happy.
I pointed out most of our time is spent complaining or being negative and that we don’t have any fun anymore. I pointed out even on holiday she’ll find anything to complain about every day instead of just trying to enjoy herself and it’s becoming draining.
I said I can’t carry on like this and if she refuses to go to a doctor or get a private therapist then it’ll be the end of us because I can’t go on like this.
I said I want to be happy and actually look forward to things and enjoy myself but it’s not happening anymore because every time we have plans I’m just wondering when she’s going to start complaining.
She said I was being unfair and holding her mental health issues over her head but I just explained that I was just telling her how I felt. She said I was judging her for having mental health issues but I just said again that this isn’t about her.
It’s about how I’m feeling yet she’s making herself into the victim straight away.
She said I was being too harsh and she can’t help it so I shouldn’t be blaming her for it but I just said she has to a dialysis start doing something about her mental health or we’ll be over. She said I was out of order for giving her an ultimatum.
AITA for giving an ultimatum?
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I’ve been with my girlfriend for 5 years. I had known from the start she suffered from depression, it was initially quite bad but after the first 6 months or so things started looking up and were great for a couple of years.
The last probably year and a half to two years, she has been up and down and I’ve tried to be supportive but for the last year things have just been going downhill. We still go on dates etc but she’ll spend a lot of it complaining about something or talking bout how low she’s been feeling.
Most evenings are the same, she’ll sit and complain about things or just be quiet and say she’s not feeling great. She has had free therapy on the NHS and is on antidepressants but won’t talk to her doctor about possibly changing them or upping the dose. I told her we needed to talk and I just told her that I wasn’t happy.
I pointed out most of our time is spent complaining or being negative and that we don’t have any fun anymore. I pointed out even on holiday she’ll find anything to complain about every day instead of just trying to enjoy herself and it’s becoming draining.
I said I can’t carry on like this and if she refuses to go to a doctor or get a private therapist then it’ll be the end of us because I can’t go on like this.
I said I want to be happy and actually look forward to things and enjoy myself but it’s not happening anymore because every time we have plans I’m just wondering when she’s going to start complaining.
She said I was being unfair and holding her mental health issues over her head but I just explained that I was just telling her how I felt. She said I was judging her for having mental health issues but I just said again that this isn’t about her.
It’s about how I’m feeling yet she’s making herself into the victim straight away.
She said I was being too harsh and she can’t help it so I shouldn’t be blaming her for it but I just said she has to a dialysis start doing something about her mental health or we’ll be over. She said I was out of order for giving her an ultimatum.
AITA for giving an ultimatum?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Was honest about how I’ve been feeling and gave an ultimatum.
My partner said I was being cruel and harsh and I’m out of order giving her an ultimatum.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA.
It might make you very sad to hear this, but I think your current gf is considering you as nothing more than an emotional trashcan. I’ve met many people with actual depression, and I have to say your gf is weaponizing her “depression” as a tool to justify her actions – please leave her.
If she has depression it’s going to be very hard for her to recognise that she needs to change her treatment. It must be really hard for you to live with too, so I guess it depends if there is much love left. If she won’t accept help it’s your call really.
NTA
It’s her mental issues and you have been doing your best for 5 years, when will it be your turn?
Op in the past 5 years have she ever shown concern for your mental health?
Maybe it’s time for you to reconsider if you actually want to be with her or live your life.
NTA. Her mental health issues are HER responsibility. Your feelings are also valid.
NTA. You can’t help someone who won’t help themselves and your girlfriend isn’t doing anything to actively manage her depression. It’s not her fault she has depression, but it is her responsibility to manage it. It sounds like she’s tried nothing and is all out of ideas. Be careful that she doesn’t do just enough to mollify you and she’s actually taking real action to get better.
NTA. Your feelings are valid. I understand why you feel like you have to give her an ultimatum (trust me, ive been there). The illness might make it difficult for her to realize that she needs more treatment or therapy, but that doesn’t mean you have to suffer because of it as well.
Either you leave her or resign yourself to a lifetime of this dynamic. It doesn’t seem like she even wants to change, let alone implement improvements.
NTA
You’re telling her the truth of what you feel and think, and the likely future if the relationship. Pretending you’re ok is a lie.
She’s asking you to ignore reality and you’re own happiness because that’s easier for her. I have a lot of sympathy with her and have been severely depressed myself, but she’s wrong.
Unfortunately I think the is the end for you two. Leave in good conscience if that’s what you want.
NTA. She’s wrong: she can help it, or she can at least try. If she’s unwilling to do that, she can’t expect you to stick around and suffer along with her.
NTA the truth will set you free, even if she doesn’t want to hear it. You were not born to meet all of her needs and have none of yours met.
Nta she’s in victim mode and will stay there, as it’s not her “fault” for being depressed. She need a good therapist and maybe a psychologist even.
NTA. You asking her to get help isn’t unreasonable of an ask. And you can’t just posted note yourself for someone else. I hope you guys work it out, but if this continues, then it makes sense why you need to part ways. You’re a boyfriend, not a therapist.
NTA. If she doesn’t want to do anything about her problem. She is only going to be bringing you down as well. She obviously does need some help, but that has to start with her actually wanting that.
NTA, sounds like you’ve supported her gracefully for a long while, and now you spoke up about what you needed and some options to get there. Thats all we can ask for in our partners. Support, patience, and honesty.
I’ve struggled with depression, Bordeline Personality Disorder, and a multitude of other things. I didnt choose any of it, but its still mine to manage. I fully understand why I lost the people in my life that I did, and honestly they were right to do so. The “yes men/women” didnt help me grow, the people that called me out did. I blamed them at the time, but over time those people are the reason I eventually put the effort into figuring my shit out.
Take care of yourself