My (48f) brother (51m) and I have always had an odd relationship. We share a father and were not raised together. When I started high school, we ‘met’ because he was a senior at the same school.
We have had our ups and downs getting to know each other, he was raised as an only child whereas I have sisters I was raised with. We have settled into a pattern of a relationship. He calls when he wants to bounce ideals off me or discuss his life, but he always cuts the calls off if I try and talk about mine.
His daughter, my niece, got married this last week. Now I have done my best to stay in touch with his kids, but being on opposite coasts has made it interesting. I speak with my niece and nephew as often as we can. They are great kids.
My husband and I took his vacation time to fly out and go to the wedding. I hosted the Bachelorette at my airbnb, we did the rehearsal dinner, all the fun stuff.
However, right after the ceremony when they were getting ready for the photos with family, my brother said my husband and I weren’t needed for pictures and to head up to the reception area. My SIL’S brothers and their wives were included in the photos, the only people not family left out, were my husband and I. I didn’t make a big deal, it was my nieces day and I wasn’t going to do that to her, but I was actually very hurt.
I know when she looks back at the photos she is going wonder why we weren’t in them. I know this was all my brother and not my niece.
AITA for being hurt so much by this?
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My (48f) brother (51m) and I have always had an odd relationship. We share a father and were not raised together. When I started high school, we ‘met’ because he was a senior at the same school.
We have had our ups and downs getting to know each other, he was raised as an only child whereas I have sisters I was raised with. We have settled into a pattern of a relationship. He calls when he wants to bounce ideals off me or discuss his life, but he always cuts the calls off if I try and talk about mine.
His daughter, my niece, got married this last week. Now I have done my best to stay in touch with his kids, but being on opposite coasts has made it interesting. I speak with my niece and nephew as often as we can. They are great kids.
My husband and I took his vacation time to fly out and go to the wedding. I hosted the Bachelorette at my airbnb, we did the rehearsal dinner, all the fun stuff.
However, right after the ceremony when they were getting ready for the photos with family, my brother said my husband and I weren’t needed for pictures and to head up to the reception area. My SIL’S brothers and their wives were included in the photos, the only people not family left out, were my husband and I. I didn’t make a big deal, it was my nieces day and I wasn’t going to do that to her, but I was actually very hurt.
I know when she looks back at the photos she is going wonder why we weren’t in them. I know this was all my brother and not my niece.
AITA for being hurt so much by this?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action is being hurt by being left out of photos. I wonder if this would make me an asshole because it wasn’t my day and do i have a right to be hurt
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA for feelings…no one is an AH for what they feel.
Only AH action was not telling brother how hurt you feel. Waht’s done is done but please let him know you felt very left out.
NTA
You’re entitled to your feelings, but at least now you know they don’t think of you as family. If it’s any help, your relationship has always been one sided so now you don’t have to take time to listen to his ideas or his life.
It sucks that you’re worried about your niece, but assuming these were including the bride and groom she knows and to be frank may have had a hand in deciding who’s in them.
NTA I think it’s rich for you to be close enough to use your property but not included in family photos.
He’s clearly not interested in your life anyway.
I don’t think you are. I had a somewhat similar situation. My stepfather’s mother, so my step-grandmother, is a very traditional Catholic. She commissioned for her children’s families to get together for a large family photo and then separate group photos for each respective family of her children. She stated that no “step” kids or non-blood relatives could be included. My mother & stepfather never told me this happened. Then one day, I go over their house and there are new large family photos printed, framed, and hung on the wall above all other photos. I was devastated. They apologized and cited my step grandmother’s conditions, but I said “why didn’t you stand up for me?” I have a half sister through them, but she is 12 years younger than me, so I have been a part of the family longer as a stepchild.
NTA. But he just uses you. Decide if you want a relationship with the kids but I’d just cut his calls short
NTA of course you’re not the A for being hurt! I’d have been hurt too.
NTA. You were considered family enough to host the bachelorette and have a hand in things that needed organising, managing and money, but not enough to be looked upon as family for the event and memories. This is a very one sided relationship, where they take from you without reciprocation or acknowledgement.
I say “they” because I’m not convinced your niece isn’t part of this. The bride and groom make the decisions about who is included in photographs and even if they were being railroaded by your brother they would still have been aware of what is happening. If she cared she would have said or done something or at least come to you privately about it.
Either your niece has just normalized your brother’s behaviour towards you because that is how she grew up or she has the same attitude towards you herself. Regardless, she’s an adult and should recognise that it is very entitled and disrespectful to be happy to accept all that you contributed to the wedding but exclude you from the photos.
Your brother is an a-hole.
No that’s messed up. You are not the asshole in my mind
NTA, and I hate to tell you this, but your niece almost certainly had a hand in putting together or at least approving a shot list for the photog. I could see a world where your brother did it on his own, but it really isn’t typical for the father of the bride to decide who’s in the wedding pictures without the couple’s input.
NTA, your brother is definitely the asshole here. To accept your help/hostessing duties for wedding events, then to exclude you from the photos is some real audacity. But it sounds like he was already showing his nature with the one-sided phone calls. Nobody needs someone like that in their life, tbh.
NTA but he doesn’t want to hear about your life, you pay for the Airbnb and you host, but he won’t let you be in photos. It sounds like he’s not interested in being your family.
NTA. Stop asking for something that won’t be given you. It is fine to have a relationship with the nieces/nephews, but, not to the point of getting taken advantage of. You are clearly getting taken advantage of and either stop it, or stop complaining about it. Your complaining is not changing him/them. So, make things uncomfortable so you can get answers to your standing in his family. Or, take the hint and move on with your life, with the understanding that you are not wanted for you, just what you can do and provide. It is a hard lesson, Givers such as yourself can’t understand it, but, that is what is going on. Be where you are wanted and loved, and not ANYWHERE ELSE. Simple as that. You need to learn this lesson and thrive from it.