I, 28f, live an hour away from my divorced parents. I work in a hospital, I sometimes do overtime, I’m in college plus another training on the side. I live alone and I have to take care of my place. Let’s say I have a busy schedule.
I went to college about 45 minutes away from my house to do an exam. Got out, everything went well and I sit in my car to check my socials. I learned from a Facebook post that my dad had a heart attack and was discharged two days prior me learning the news. He doesn’t have a girlfriend nor a wife, but he was accompanied by a woman I don’t know. Nobody, including her, the hospital or even his friends who know me since I was a kid, notified me. I could have lost my dad that day and I wasn’t told anything.
I texted him why he didn’t tell me anything about it, and said “would it have changed something?” which broke my heart. I’m not close to my dad, but enough to drop my things and go help if needed. He’s not a good talker and neither am I so we don’t talk or text often. But I care about his health and I’m often worried.
My dad has weird schedules which are hard to keep track of, so it’s hard to schedule a visit. He works the day shifts while I work in the evening. So yeah, it’s been a while since I visited.
SO, AITA for being mad at my dad for not telling me about his medical emergency?
yes, I know about HIPAA and that he has a right to not notify me.
EDIT: thanks for the replies. So, to answer some questions;
-I’m not close to my dad because some history of DV. I resented him for a while but as I got older and with therapy, I learned to let go. Plus, I’m an only child.
-English isn’t my first language, so I think I don’t have the right vocabulary; I think what I mean is really upset and not angry. I still have issues to put a name on my emotions so I’m sorry.
-I asked him after his last comment if he really thought I wouldn’t be worried/not care, to which he replied “I already told you to enjoy the time while it lasts” which upset me even more.
-I called off work and I went straight to his place without telling him because I wanted to corner him to have a serious talk. He wasn’t home (he had an appointment) and told me he still wasn’t able to communicate or understand very well.
-I’m currently working on writing a letter and spill all of my thoughts and feelings, like the conversation I wanted to have.
-I tried to establish as well that I always come to see him, I text him first, I call him first, so he could too. I’m at my place for three years and he never came to visit me. I make the plans. I try it to be me, my bf (28m) and my dad on the same day and it often doesn’t work.
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I, 28f, live an hour away from my divorced parents. I work in a hospital, I sometimes do overtime, I’m in college plus another training on the side. I live alone and I have to take care of my place. Let’s say I have a busy schedule.
I went to college about 45 minutes away from my house to do an exam. Got out, everything went well and I sit in my car to check my socials. I learned from a Facebook post that my dad had a heart attack and was discharged two days prior me learning the news. He doesn’t have a girlfriend nor a wife, but he was accompanied by a woman I don’t know. Nobody, including her, the hospital or even his friends who know me since I was a kid, notified me. I could have lost my dad that day and I wasn’t told anything.
I texted him why he didn’t tell me anything about it, and said “would it have changed something?” which broke my heart. I’m not close to my dad, but enough to drop my things and go help if needed. He’s not a good talker and neither am I so we don’t talk or text often. But I care about his health and I’m often worried.
My dad has weird schedules which are hard to keep track of, so it’s hard to schedule a visit. He works the day shifts while I work in the evening. So yeah, it’s been a while since I visited.
SO, AITA for being mad at my dad for not telling me about his medical emergency?
yes, I know about HIPAA and that he has a right to not notify me.
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> I think I might be the asshole for not doing an effort to be closer to my dad because we’re both busy adults
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
YTA for being mad at him about this. You’re not entitled to know his personal issues any more than he’s willing to tell you.
I refuse to answer the question. I will say: please tell your father what you’re telling us, “yes, Dad, I love you and it would have mattered.”
YTA for being outwardly angry.
You’re allowed to be sad, upset, disappointed, etc… but being someone’s relative doesn’t give you the right to know about their medical events.
Info: it entirely depends on the specifics of your relationship.
YTA if you aren’t close, don’t see each other and don’t stay connected. Nothing worse then a relative that only ‘cares’ once someone is sick/dying. (Sounds like this is the case)
NTA if you actually have a relationship with him. I personally would be devestated, but I see my dad every other day!
Take this as a wake up call! Parents don’t last forever and it seems you don’t have much of a relationship with your dad. Create a relationship where he wants to tell you because you would notice a hospital visit.
I would absolutely have been hurt by not being told. It’s obviously his right to tell or not tell whoever he wants but that doesn’t negate the hurt you’re feeling. It seems like he might be hurt by the lack of contact between you two by his comment. If that’s the case, then it seems like maybe it’s time to figure out a way to talk more or spend time together. Life can always get in the way but don’t let excuses/reasons make it impossible if you desire more.
Maybe you text while you’re awake and he responds when he’s awake. Maybe you email. Maybe you send letters. Keeping in touch can be hard, I’m definitely not good at it either.
Definitely tell him you’re sad and hurt he didn’t tell you. Tell him how you feel about him and that you care and absolutely want to know when something happens. Finding out second hand really hurts, I know. Just be honest and try to find a way that works for both of you to communicate better and more often.
Well you got to take into account how y’all are not close. Why is that?
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You have the right to feel how you feel. As does he for who he shares his medical things with. Tell him what you told us.
NTA. You are entitled to feel hurt and left out. You probably could have approached the situation better, however. It comes across like you were blaming your father for not telling you what happened
Now that you have his perspective on the situation, you have an opportunity to do some relationship repair with him.
I dont know if youre the asshole based on this but since he asked you ” would it change something?” You can let him know now that yes it would. If he was in medical stress again you would appreciate it to know and you want to let him know you’ll drop everything to come and would take things seriously. Let him know he matters and this is a wakeup call for you that you both need to schedule in seeing eachother. Taking a day off at least every 2 months to spend time together and that youre sad that your lack of closeness lead to him not thinking you’d want to know. The relationship might be strained and maybe hes not one for intimacy and closeness but as someone with a dad like that: you can change the dynamic. It shouldn’t be the kids job to do that but you can and should make the change
If u only care about him if he’s about to die, then YTA
NTA for feeling hurt. I don’t know what these other commenters are on about. You may “not have a right to his medical information” but you absolutely should have been told even as a heads up. Even if you’re not close, you’re his daughter and shouldn’t have to find out by a Facebook post.
On that note though, it’s probably worth exploring why he didn’t tell you once there’s more distance from all of this. Talk to him, tell him how you’re feeling, find out what it might take to shift the relationship in the direction you want. Then you can figure out if it’s worth making those changes or not.
Good luck OP.