My friends (25M, 25F) and I (28F) were going to play basketball one weekend, my idea. We’ve played before and we all enjoyed it.
In our group chat, Friend #1 asks, “What time do you have in mind for basketball tomorrow?”
Me: “Let’s aim for 9am? Let’s beat the heat.”
He thumbs up my message.
Morning of, 8:30am. “Looking forward to playing with y’all today!”
Friend #1 and Friend #2 live together. We’re both 30 minutes away from the spot we agreed to play at. That means they would have needed to be leaving right then.
Friend #1: “I’m up making a coffee. Friend #2 is still in bed.”
Me: “Oh okay, would 9:30 be better for yall?”
He thumbs up my message.
Friend #2 still shows up at 9:45 anyway.
What pisses me off is that if I hadn’t texted, I would have got there at 9 and been waiting around for 30-45 minutes waiting for them.
What extra pisses me off is that I actually felt a little guilt for being kinda moody when they showed up and we first started our game. They didn’t say anything, but it often feels like I can’t be outwardly upset about things like this because now *I* would be the problem.
What extra, extra pisses me off is that we’ve talked about this before. A similar incident happened recently and they apologized and said they’d work on their communication skills. Yet…
Perhaps I’m the asshole, because I do know Friend #2 was tired after having to do 5-6 hours long-distance drives that weekend for work. Yet, we scheduled our basketball game before those came up––or at least before I knew about them––and she never asked to cancel.
I know the issue is small, but the lack of consideration and communication is bothersome. AITA?
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My friends (25M, 25F) and I (28F) were going to play basketball one weekend, my idea. We’ve played before and we all enjoyed it.
In our group chat, Friend #1 asks, “What time do you have in mind for basketball tomorrow?”
Me: “Let’s aim for 9am? Let’s beat the heat.”
He thumbs up my message.
Morning of, 8:30am. “Looking forward to playing with y’all today!”
Friend #1 and Friend #2 live together. We’re both 30 minutes away from the spot we agreed to play at. That means they would have needed to be leaving right then.
Friend #1: “I’m up making a coffee. Friend #2 is still in bed.”
Me: “Oh okay, would 9:30 be better for yall?”
He thumbs up my message.
Friend #2 still shows up at 9:45 anyway.
What pisses me off is that if I hadn’t texted, I would have got there at 9 and been waiting around for 30-45 minutes waiting for them.
What extra pisses me off is that I actually felt a little guilt for being kinda moody when they showed up and we first started our game. They didn’t say anything, but it often feels like I can’t be outwardly upset about things like this because now *I* would be the problem.
What extra, extra pisses me off is that we’ve talked about this before. A similar incident happened recently and they apologized and said they’d work on their communication skills. Yet…
Perhaps I’m the asshole, because I do know Friend #2 was tired after having to do 5-6 hours long-distance drives that weekend for work. Yet, we scheduled our basketball game before those came up––or at least before I knew about them––and she never asked to cancel.
I know the issue is small, but the lack of consideration and communication is bothersome. AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I was moody with chronically late friends when they showed up late yet once again. Could have been immature of me.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA – but you say “always late” if that is the case you are probably not going to change their behavior. I would say you just have to do what you did this time – over communicate in the lead up, confirming schedule, etc. yeah it’s frustrating, but people only change when they want to.
NTA
Never put up with chronically late people. They’re disrespecting you right to your face.
NTA. That is one thing I will NOT put up with. It’s disrespectful of other’s time to be consistently late.
NTA. Someone being consistently late to meet you shows they don’t respect you or your time. I’d stop arranging plans with them.
I understand people will be late sometimes, which is normal. You probably have some things you can do whilst you wait. It’s not acceptable all the time and you shouldn’t be expected to put up with it.
NTA. I’ve found though to get through to people like this you have to be direct and sincere “hey we talked about you being late and we made a plan but then this happened. I love you guys and I want to hang out but I’m left feeling like you don’t really care about my feelings or my time even though I have communicated that this really bothers me. Do you have any ideas on how we can solve this?”
In cases where they just do not change, I have friends where we’ve gone about telling them a time 30 mins (or longer depending on how late they usually run) earlier than everyone else. If they get there on time and have to wait, so be it. They can reflect on how it feels to have to wait on everyone else
NTA but it’s not seemingly something you can change about them, so if you want to remain friends and hang out you’ll need to do the management. Do y’all live close enough that they can pick you up? I find late people a lot more tolerable when I’m at my own home.
NTA. If they’re always late, I’d start building in extra time. Basically, if you have to be somewhere at 10:00, tell them you need to be there at 9:00. I had to do this with my chronically late father, and I’ve done this for others with whom I do not wish to cut contact.
I’ve also straight-up cut contact with people whom I’m not close enough to want to deal with their chronic lateness.
Your choice.
NAH.
>What pisses me off is that if I hadn’t texted, I would have got there at 9 and been waiting around for 30-45 minutes waiting for them.
Maybe, but you don’t know for sure. You pre-empted that situation by texting first. Also, you never agreed on a definite time. “Let’s aim for,” is not the same as “Let’s meet at.” If you want concrete meeting times, then use concrete language.
>I do know Friend #2 was tired after having to do 5-6 hours long-distance drives that weekend for work. Yet, we scheduled our basketball game before those came up
OK, so cut her some slack. You were aiming for a time, and it turns out that the time wasn’t convenient for her. It’s a good thing you confirmed the plans. She should have asked to cancel, but she was probably too tired to remember.
NTA. I know some people who would keep me waiting 1+ hr and I am no longer friends with those people. I understand some people struggle with scheduling, whether due to ADHD, poor planning, or other reasons. But the reason doesn’t excuse that it negatively impacts you. If he’s tired from something, it’s up to your friend to reschedule or let you know that early meetups don’t work.
Your friend has shown you he isn’t changing – it’s up to you how to handle it, but personally I would just stop making plans that rely on them. I’ve done the “lying about an earlier start time so they might get there on time” thing and it still doesn’t work – they catch on. Late people get invited to group events only where their lateness won’t affect anything (no set dinner or movie show time). They get left out of everything else because I’m tired of them disrespecting my time, and that’s on their actions.
NTA. It isn’t small. It’s rude af.
NTA-I can’t be friends with people who don’t respect my time.
You are NTA but this might require some firm boundaries.
Your friends aren’t trying to hurt you, but they are being self centered and disrespectful of your time.
I would have an earnest conversation with them about how this makes you feel hurt. When you come at people with anger they will get defensive, but I would bet that they don’t want to hurt you and that might be a more effective approach.
You also could let them know that going forward they need to text you when they are leaving the house so you can leave at the same time. If it happens frequently that their leave the house time is later than planned, maybe pull back on scheduling plans with them
If they weren’t going to be on time, then I just would excuse myself from the whole thing, even if I’m the one who set it up. They’re all assholes.