My (28 F) husband’s (32M) best friend, Brad, and his girlfriend, Tessa, have been a constant emotional weight in my life over the last few years. Their behavior—and my husband’s refusal to set boundaries—has caused so much damage, I don’t know how to let go of the resentment.
A few years ago, Brad and Tessa were allowed to live rent-free in a four-bedroom home owned by my mother, located in a middle-to-upper-class neighborhood. The deal was that in exchange, they would look after three dogs—two belonging to my mom and one to my husband. At first, this arrangement felt like a win-win. The reason was that we needed to renovate the house before selling it and we didn’t want to have permanent paying tenants during this process, plus my mom had moved into a flat near me in order to help with her grandson and she could not take her two large aging dogs with. We felt it would be best for the dogs to stay in their home and the couple could look after them in exchange for free rent.
But when we decided to sell the home, Brad and Tessa demanded we pay half their rent at a new place, cover their deposit, and continue providing dog food. We agreed—for the sake of the dogs—but it didn’t sit right with me. To make things worse, they took nearly all of my mom’s furniture with them when they left: beds, couches, TVs, washer, dryer, tables—you name it—without offering to return it or compensate her.
Tessa has never made any effort with me personally. At social events, she’d sit silently with the guys, never attempting a single conversation. It always felt cold and deliberate.
In 2021, I hired her to work in my business. She was unreliable, missed days, and didn’t complete tasks, so I let her go. She later told people I didn’t train her and that I was a terrible boss who never gave her a chance.
After that, my best friend (let’s call her Jess)—a soft, kind, non-confrontational person—moved into the house Brad and Tessa had once lived in, paying rent. She was also pregnant and going through a lot emotionally. Brad and Tessa made life hell for her—fighting with her, complaining about things like her using “their mugs,” and being generally hostile. Eventually, Jess moved out. Tessa also tried to get her fired by telling my husband she was on her phone too much and not working.
Later, when I hired someone else, Tessa found out and called Brad, who called my husband and gave him a mouthful, accusing me of being cruel for not rehiring her. My husband pressured me into hiring her again—while I was pregnant.
This time around, Tessa once again performed poorly, and worse, she and Brad would spend weekends with my husband complaining that it was my mother who was the real problem—that she was a poor manager and the reason Tessa wasn’t doing well. My husband took that narrative seriously and actually tried to push my mom out of the business, which nearly fractured my relationship with her. All of this—just because Tessa wouldn’t take accountability for her work.
Meanwhile, my son was born, and my husband began showing signs of severe postpartum issues. Instead of being present and supportive, he became emotionally unavailable and started spending every weekend with Brad and Tessa. He would leave early Saturday morning and stay until late that afternoon, only to see them again on Sunday for golf. They became his “safe space,” while I was home alone with a newborn, struggling.
So not only were they sabotaging my business and trying to alienate me from my own mother, they were actively enabling my husband to neglect me and our child during one of the most vulnerable times in my life.
To top it off, when I finally let Tessa go again, I offered her a severance package out of kindness—even though she wasn’t entitled to one. She sent me a rude message the next day demanding her severance immediately and hasn’t spoken to me since. Neither has Brad. And yet, they continue to see my husband every single weekend, like none of this ever happened.
And throughout all of this, my husband has defended them. He says they’re “just struggling” and that I’m being too harsh. He refuses to set any boundaries or acknowledge the pain they’ve caused—or the way he abandoned me during it all.
I’ve tried to move on. I’ve tried to forgive. But I can’t. The resentment is too deep, and I feel like I was left to carry everything while being vilified for simply speaking the truth.
I am expected to simply get over it. Yet none of them have ever apologized, and when I confronted my husband about my feelings he paints the picture that I have a weird “make up” personal vendetta against them.
They all play innocent as if they’ve done nothing wrong and I am just an unreasonable and cruel person for not moving on and forgiving them. I asked my husband to rather spend less time with them and if so, see only his male friend as it is inappropriate for them to be all three together on every single social occasion, am I wrong? He just laughs about it and acts like I’m crazy and then asks how he’s supposed to tell his friend to leave Tessa at home. It’s infuriating to me. Why does she even want to be there so badly?? She doesn’t even play golf!
So, AITA for not being able to move past this? For resenting my husband’s best friend and his girlfriend—and my husband himself—for enabling them, dismissing me, and choosing them over his own family?
Comments
OP. They’re obviously a set of three, ao you can’t split the up.
So get did of all of them. First start recording how much time your husband actually spends with your son so you can ensure custody though.
I said what I said.
You’re not an AH, you’re underreacting to these AHs.
NTA
NTA. Your resentment is completely valid. Brad and Tessa took advantage of you, sabotaged your business, and manipulated your husband—who chose them over his own family. The real issue is his lack of boundaries. Until he acknowledges the damage, moving on isn’t possible. You’re not wrong for feeling hurt and betrayed.
Umm… what the heck is wrong with your husband?
Also you’re NTA but why would you put up with and let them get away with so much? That’s what I can’t understand…
It’s time to file a police report for all the items they stole from your mother.
NTA
I’d resent anyone that continuously allows and makes excuses for people that take advantage of/disrespect me time and time again.
You don’t deserve this.
The problem is not Brad & Tessa. It’s your husband and you know it. I have no idea why you’re still with him especially while playing single parenting.
NTA you need to leave your husband too he biggest problem in this you don’t know what he saying behind closed doors.
You are not angry enough at your spineless husband for letting these two moochers take complete advantage of your good nature. You gave them too many chances.
NTA, but you have a massive husband problem. Get your ducks in a row and leave him. He has shown you that you are not his top priority, especially at a time when you absolutely should be.
You’re big AH for yourself for putting up with this nonsense for years. File a divorce now and file a police report on thieves. That’s not a husband of yours, he’s their husband. Walk away girl. You’re better than this.
So you’re just bankrolling their throuple then? Fuck that. Time for some barely legal financial decisions then a divorce. NTA
Why are you with your husband? How many down the line is n the pecking order are you? Seriously it’s your relationship you need to fix or get rid of as that’s what’s causing all of the other issues. Your husband is an ass!
Your husband has made his choice, and it’s them not you. It’s time for you to make your own choice. NTA
Why are you not leaving that man?
YTA for letting them do this to you. Letting them treat your mom and your friend like that, letting your husband treat you like this and not divorcing his disgusting ass and having a child with him. Where is your backbone? Where is your dignity? Self respect? WOW
Huge husband problem.
Easy fix.
Divorce.
You’re a fool for staying with all of them, husband included.
You have a husband problem. This isn’t about Brad and Tessa, it’s about your husband continually choosing them over you and stomping all over your boundaries. And you continue to let him do it.
NTA
This can’t be real bc there’s so much stupidity here I cannot take it.
And the em dashes are always a dead giveaway
Why do you keep any of these people, husband included, in your life? NTA
Wait, your husband had severe postpartum? From your newborn or being spineless, pressured by his two friends? I hope you have a prenup because those three are toxic
The way husband would’ve gotten divorce papers
NTA you have a husband problem. Sounds like they robbed your mom, I’d start burning bridges there by calling the police.
I hate it when people have no spine and allow those around them to suffer.
I feel badly for your mother, Jess, the person hired at your business (and I suspect was fired in favor for Tessa) and your son. They are the true victims in all of this.
No way are you the asshole, you don’t even have a husband. You are the outsider in their relationship of three. He doesn’t give a shit about you or your kid, only being with his friends and avoiding responsibilities. I mean if he tried to push your own mother out of her business? That is a huge deal breaker for me. Take your baby and go live with your mom and just fuck those assholes.
I wonder how you managed to spend so much time with your husband!
I think you need to cut Brad off completely and Tessa is giving your husband an ultimatum, them or me!
But first, go see a lawyer and find out about everything about the law!
Living like this is not possible, your husband puts these people before you are his own children!
Good luck and make the best decision and think about it if you want to spend the rest of your life like that!
Update
NTA but you have a husband problem, not a Brad and Tessa problem.
This is a husband problem and an all three of them problem – time to divorce him and get them all out.
They’re gaslighting you about their warped menage. they’re going to badmouth you as “unreasonable and cruel” anyway, I think you should prove them right and do so! Kick all three of them to the curb, and take care of your child and mom.
Get your paperwork together. Hire the best divorce attorney in the county and file. Refuse to engage about anything personal. Everything goes through your attorney or court-ordered parenting app.
Run your business as you see fit, and if your husband works there, give him a performance review and benchmarks for improvement, or he’s out the door permanently. Once he’s gone, you’ll probably feel relieved. NTA
Try to repair your relationship with your mom.
Also start running whatever business by numbers not feelings. Like have your hubby or ex have to show numbers to explain and consider all the recommendations. If you spend all your time people pleasing, your business has a chance of going under
I don’t understand why you’re holding all this resentment towards them but not your husband?? All 3 are guilty of being shitty ass people and all 3 have absolutely no respect for you.
You’re NTA but you really have a husband problem you need to address.
YTA to yourself for putting up with all three of them. Good Gravy Woman Grow A Spine and get rid of them!!!!! You deserve so much better in life than what you are settling for!!!!!
NTA. Your husband is the problem. Trash people have trash friends. I’m sorry but your need to stand up and advocate for yourself because you’ve allowed yourself to be repeatedly walked over to your own, sizeable, detriment.
Your husband has now tied you to him permanently, but that doesn’t mean you need to put up with him permanently. You’ve had years of your husband telling you that you don’t matter, how many more will you put up with?
Evict the Brad and Tessa, and do what you will with your husband.
Your anger is addressed to the wrong person. What they did to you is bad, I’m not defending them but you’re resentment and anger should be to the person who is supposed to be by your side, who you should be managing life with: your husband. He’s the issue.
Easier said than done, but you also need to grow a backbone and start standing up for yourself, your mom and friends that are being wronged by them.
You have a husband problem. He doesnt see through your eyes ans never will. Nta
Ma’am MA’AM, WTF, I need you to go to the nearest mirror and look at the person in that mirror and say “I deserve better than my fuckboy husband”. Then you need to act like it. Get rid of the garbage ass husband HE is your problem, not the friends, not the friend’s girlfriend, YOUR HUSBAND. You now have a child to protect please dont let than man and his real partners stay in your life. And if you don’t believe that man actually hates your guts, please read back everything you just wrote and realize how little he values you.
Y TA only because you’re still married to this piece of shit.
File a police report for the theft and for divorce on the same day.
Updateme
You have a husband problem and I can’t believe you don’t seem to see it. I honestly can’t understand why you are still married.
NTAH
But what the heck is wrong with you, those people are only your problem because of your husband.
Your husband is the biggest problem here.
Talk to a divorce lawyer and start moving stuff out into your mom’s place.
Has your mother ever reported them for theft? If not, why? NTA. Your husband cannot be separated from these toxic leeches, so I suggest you part ways with him.
You allowed all of that to happen by not having boundaries and not addressing the fact you have a husband problem.
I think your resentment is a bit misplaced. It should be at your husband for not having your back, defending them, enabling their behavior, and abandoning you. He’s your biggest problem. If you can’t see that, then you’re always going to be in this miserable place. It’s not “male” postpartum he’s just checked out of your marriage.
Sadly, he’s chosen his side and it’s not with you and your baby. You two will never come first with him. He’s already leaving you all weekend to be a single parent. And he’s already painted you to be the “bad guy” when it comes to his friends.
You’re asking why does Tessa go “golfing”, because she can. And with a newborn you can’t, it’s reasonable to be a little jealous and resentful.
It’s time for hard boundaries, getting back the items that belong to your mom, finding someone else to care for the dogs, stop paying their rent, have a “come to Jesus” with sh, and please fix your relationship with your mom. NTA.
Honestly I am surprised we haven’t had an episode of Dateline with these people.
NTA but please leave. And file a police report for your mom’s stolen belongings.
OP. You have a massive husband problem. Sure Tessa and Brad are also AH but your husband enables the deadweight. And you’re not innocent in this either. You’ve tolerated their abuse just to keep the peace. How’s that working out for you. It’s time to cut off the dead weight and that includes your loser husband if he can’t get his shit together. NTA for wanting boundaries but YTA for continuing to allow this to happen when you should have dealt with it long ago. You’ve only let things get worse.
ESH. Why do you keep being a dormant. They are destroying you financially and they are destroying your relationships with your mother, best friend and husband.
Your husband is your biggest issue. You need to get rid of all three of them. They are sucking you dry both financially and emotionally.
You literally should be filling a police report for all the shit they stole from your family not offering them jobs.
You are ta to yourself, your mother and your son. They have been stealing from you all for years. That money could have gone towards a college found for your child.
He’s banging them both. Ma’am. And you are bank rolling it.
Put up cameras, gather some evidence, use it to break his control on you completely, and leave them all. Press charges.
STOP BEING A DOORMAT TO YOUR HUSBAND AND HIS HANDLERS!
Sad as it is, he’s not your husband anymore – he’s Brad and Tessa’s puppet. Even if does decide to choose you over Brad and Tessa, you (and your child!) deserve better than someone who has to be forced to show up for you, and you’ll always be seen as the bad guy. Pack his bags as soon as he leaves for the golf course while a locksmith changes your locks, and have his sh** delivered to the golf course. The three of them are the AH, but your (hopefully soon to be ex) husband most of all, for invalidating your feelings and concerns, and for not being there for you.
NTA your marriage is toxic and I don’t see it being salvageable. You should have filed a police report about the furniture and reported it stolen. Who owns the house you live in now? If it’s yours kick your husband out and file for divorce because you and your child do not deserve to live in a toxic household.
Get rid of the husband and the parasites leave with him. You’re the AH to yourself for staying with a man who chooses them over his wife and child. You know what you need to do.
What is this dumb shit. “they demanded we pay half their rent”, how about, no. that was hard. They left and stole all your mothers stuff, how about return it or we’ll call the cops. Shitty worker wanting to be rehired, how about you tell them to fuck off.
lastly… your friend moved into the house the other two ONCE LIVED IN… and they made her life hell? This is poorly written but, are you saying she moved into your mothers house after they had left, in which case how did they make her life hell, or she moved in while they lived there, in which case you owned the house, why not tell them to fuck off.
Why get pregnant and have a kid with a man who lets his friends use and abuse you? Why not say no to your husband at any point, why hang out with two people you can’t stand.
Frankly, if real you let your husband and his friends walk all over you. they all seem to be using you. It’s your business and your mother’s house but your husband makes you let them use it for free, pay half their rent and keep giving a shitty person jobs?
How about stop being such a fucking push over, offering a shitty worker severance?
Jesus christ, if you’re still paying half the rent stop, depending on how long ago it was, go after them for the stolen furniture.
Choose yourself, drop the friends, give him an ultimatum about his trash friends who treated you like shit, say it’s you or them and he has to decide. If he can be friends and hang out with people who treated you this badly, then he’s with you for money and using you.
NTA. But you have a husband problem
I’m sorry that is no husband , that is 3 people abusing, gaslighting and demeaning you. Why are you still there.
YTA for allowing these people to walk all over you. Free housing, free furniture, half their rent, a job at your business, all while she is sabotaging your renters, your business & your marriage? Grow a spine & stand up for yourself. Tell your husband to choose, his abusive friends or you. Honestly a divorce & restraining order will simplify things.
Girl, you are not even part of the throuple your husband is in.
Shiny up that spine. Stop hiring someone who just takes advantage of you. Demand your mom’s stuff back. Change any lock she has access to. And leave your marriage. Your husband showed you he cares two whits about you. Believe him.
YTA for continuing to house and employ these leeches. Please get counseling to address why you are not better at setting limits.
Also, your marriage is doomed. Your husband does not love or respect you or your relatives.
I would lock down your credit and file for divorce. Do not tell him ahead of time.
I couldn’t even bother finishing to read this bullshit. Either it’s fake or just pathetic as fuck, in every single way.
NTA. You have a husband problem. I don’t know if he’s sleeping with them, doing drugs with them or addicted to gaming, but he needs to GO. Once he’s gone, the trash will take itself out with him.
NTA
Counselling for you and husband. He also needs separate help for his post partum issues. If he refuses then seperation. He can go stay with Brad and tessa. If none of that works you may need a divorce lawyer.
Get a lawyer and get them for the theft of your property (technically your mum’s) because that’s what that was. They stole your mother’s furniture, then demanded that you pay half their new rent when they should have had great savings after living rent free. That’s insanity to the nth degree.
NTA but why are you putting up with this treatment? Not only from his friends but from your husband?
Document how much time he spends away for the inevitable custody case. Your mother needs to file a report for stolen property and get her stuff back or compensation for it. You need to get your lawyer to draft a cease and desist for them trying to destroy your business
I don’t know why you’re playing dumb here. You know the 3 of them are in a throuple, and you’re just their source of funds.
Stop being an asshole to yourself and your son, and cut those 3 loose! Is this what you want your son to grow up thinking is a normal and healthy marriage??
You have a husband problem
Your husband sucks. He doesn’t respect you. Start keeping record of how much time he actually spends with your son
There were so many times you could have, and should have walked away from this marriage. Yet you continued to stay and then you have a CHILD with him?!
Honestly, it sounds like you’re a glutton for punishment. You come across as pathetic, are you so desperate to be married that you’ll tolerate YEARS of abuse and disrespect?
Your refusal to leave him sooner has told your husband that you’re ok with this behaviour and to ignore all your complaints.
You do know they are making fun of you when you’re not around right? Talking about how pathetic you are and much fun it is to walk all over you and abuse you and you mom
I want to be sympathetic to your situation, but I can’t. You stood by and allowed their disrespect of you for years
Next time he goes to spend the weekend with them, tell him to take all his clothes too because he’s not coming back. Tell him they win, you are done. When he gets all panicked, let him know that as far as you are concerned he is in a relationship with them and he should be happy that you are finally letting him go. Then tell him they have tried to ruin your business, tried to take your mother’s home and when that didn’t work tried to get you to hate your mom, and now they are taking you away from your child. You hope all three of them get the happiness they deserve. You are moving on with your child. Then show him the door. Immediately have all the locks changed and be prepared for the onslaught of hostility you will get from all three. Save every email, text and voicemail. Hopefully he will come to his senses if he realizes all he could lose, but if not, carry through.
OP, you’ve left out a lot of details about this business situation and how it relates to the house, etc. But to make assumptions…
If you don’t trust or have a good relationship with these two people, don’t roll over? You act like your husband should be holding the boundaries here. Seems like you had hiring decision in the first place and never should have hired someone with a personal connection in the first place and definitely not the second time. And how did they even have access to your mother’s house after they moved out and your other friend moved in? What possible feeling of entitled ownership could they have had? They moved out, no longer their business.
Look, your husband should be supporting you. But you also have an obligation to be a strong person and hold your own boundaries too. You seem almost to be sitting here like your hands are tied behind your back and you have no power. You are an adult, if these people stole your mom’s furniture and possessions and won’t return them, file it with the police. Doesn’t matter if your husband agrees or not. As a matter of fact, why didn’t your mom do something about it?
Get rid of your husband. Then you won’t need to deal with the friends either. And I strongly hope your husband does not have legal rights in this business if it was your mom’s first? This part of your story is very confusing.
Normally I’m an advocate for counseling, etc in a marriage. But you really haven’t painted a picture of a marriage at all. No respect either way. And he’s checked out already and is basically separated from you?
Stand up and accept the power you do have as an adult. You aren’t crazy, he’s been gaslighting you. He and his friends have been jerks in this entire thing. Lay down the law with your husband about expectations of his involvement with your family. Don’t focus on the friends though, things get messier when you try to control someone else’s friends and he’s shown he won’t respond to that. Focus on his neglect of your household, not the cause of it.
Oh yeah, YTA.
WTF are you putting up with this for? If this is true, which I honestly have a hard time believing, get away from all of them.
You’re married to an emotionally abusive AH who spends all his time with Brad and Tess. Brad and Tess are obnoxious, destructive, abusive thieves who should have been reported to the police when they stole your mother’s furniture.
Your so-called husband has chosen them over you at every opportunity. Why is he still in your life???
Get rid of him and you get rid of all your problems!!! Look at the big picture!
NTA – I would ask your husband for couples counseling, and if he doesn’t agree, divorce him.
UpdateMe
Get rid of all three.