I’m (16f) the oldest of my siblings. My sister’s 13 and my brother’s 12. Our dad died when we were 4 months old, 1 and 4. Our mom met our stepfather a year later. They were together for a while and broke up. Then they got back together a week before my 7th birthday. I remember because she told me he’d be coming to my birthday party and how excited he was to see “his babies” again. Their relationship was unstable for like another year and then they got married. By that point my sister and brother called him dad. I didn’t. I called him “Mike”. We were asked about adoption two months after the wedding and none of us said yes there and then but my brother said yes a few months later without being asked again and my sister did two years later. Both of them have since been adopted.
I’m the last kid standing against it and have been for years. It’s something my mom gets so upset about and my stepfather has told me time and time again that I don’t have to do the full commitment my siblings did, who took his last name after the adoption, but he said he hates raising someone else’s children and wants us to be all his. He told me he loves me and is proud of me and wants to be able to show the world that we’re father and daughter. I said no even after his speech about it and when my mom told me it meant a lot to her and she hated the idea that I’d be left with hardly any memories of my dad and no other dad around because I don’t see my stepfather as my dad.
When I was 13 they attempted to do therapy with me to get me to talk about it but I sat in therapy and didn’t say a word. We tried 11 different therapists and I remained silent in front of each one of them.
My mom and stepdad had a baby a year later and they tried to win me around with the baby but they didn’t. Actually it pushed me away more because I said he had a bio kid now and didn’t need to adopt me. Mom told me to consider what I was giving up and I told her I was giving up nothing. She told me I was giving up a warm and loving family. I told her that would be her decision to push me out.
My siblings tried to get me on side a few times. I told them to drop it unless they wanted me to be mad at them and after realizing I was serious about it they did drop it.
A month ago my stepfather told me that he will not include me in his will or support me in college, on my wedding day or financially pay for anything for my future children if I don’t agree to the adoption. He said if I continue to reject him as a father, the dad who raised me, then he will feel it better to let everything go to his actual kids and grandkids. I told him none of that changed my answer and I didn’t want his money.
He asked me why I rejected him for memories. I asked him how he’d like my half brother to be adopted and take another man’s name. He flipped out and told me nobody would ever be his son’s dad but him and I told him that nobody would ever be my dad but my dad. But good luck if he dies because apparently his son will be passed to another guy to raise as his own.
My mom calmed him down and then she told me I need to stop being stubborn. I need to open my heart. I need to agree to family therapy and talk this through in family therapy. I told her it won’t happen and she can only make me physically be there but she can’t make me talk or try. She told me I am destroying our family and being so mean for no good reason. She wanted me to apologize to my stepfather and I told her he can take my dad’s kids and claim them as his own but nobody else can do it to his son. She told me it was different and I asked why. I asked her why she hated dad so much she was setting out to erase him. I pointed out that he’s never talked about unless I mention him, even on his birthday, and I’m told it’s hurtful. I told her she changed my siblings last names to her husband’s and they carry nothing of dad anymore. Not his name and not even legally on their birth certificates. I brought up how she made a point to let my stepfather burn the originals, which I saw with my own eyes.
I told her she could tell me all she wants that it’s not the point or it’s different or I don’t understand but she doesn’t understand losing a parent yet so she can shut up about this before she loses me and not the other way around.
After that I went to stay with my grandma and my mom has contacted me only to find out if I’m changing my mind or not.
AITA?
Comments
You’re not the one being stubborn here. You’ve been clear and consistent about your boundaries for years, and everyone else is trying to force a specific outcome on you. Respect goes both ways, and it sounds like your stepdad only wants a relationship on his terms.
You are old enough to decide for yourself .. any court would respect your opinion… why not contact a legal service open to you and get a letter drawn up explaining your position and giving it to your stepfather? This frames your relationship with clear and set boundaries
NTA – both your mother and step dad are being jerks about this. You’re analogy of his bio son is accurate, and burning the original birth certificates is crazy behavior.
On the family therapy though, assuming it’s a real therapist, I’d consider going and articulating your points that you’ve made very well here. Any decent therapist would support your decision.
You are correct to maintain your boundaries. Your stepdad‘s “love” is conditional on you being adopted and he has serious self confidence issues, to the point he had to burn your siblings original birth certificates, Your mom is a lost cause as all she has done is to enable him.
NTA, make plans to leave when you attain the age of majority. Get your important documents together, ask an adult you trust to open a bank account with you and you can save money from part time jobs.
I can’t believe that she practically said that you can only have a “warm and loving family “ if you have him legally adopted you! 🤯
What does she means by that?! Unless you change your name and erase your dad’s from you life you don’t “deserve” their warm and loving family, WTF?!
You are NTA! I’m so sorry you’ve been put in this situation, I’m so sorry you lost your dad!
Don’t budge! Stand your ground!
That’s not love from your stepdad , that’s manipulation! A big one! He even tried to manipulate you by using his will, his money!!! Come on! You don’t deserve this…
He could be happy in being a good male figure for you and don’t put on you the obligation of recognizing him as dad! He Is immature and insecure…..
That phrase ” your are giving up a loving family” such a manipulative threat she is insinuating that if you don’t get adopted you wont be considered family.
Nta keep to you guns. Updateme
NTA And your siblings are set up for alot of trouble later in life since someone I know had a crapload of trouble and had to spend a crapload of money to get his original birth certificate that had his original name because his updated birth certificate with the name he got from his stepfather wasn’t enough when he was trying to renew his driver’s license.
Hopefully, you can stay with grandma permanently. You don’t need two more years of this crap. Hope you have your birth certificate and social security card with you.
NTA At all. That is not your dad. And she absolutely would find a new daddy for your brother if he died tomorrow. Tell her you will wait for her next husband and you’ll call him daddy because they are so replaceable.
I think you should talk in therapy. If you had the therapists would have nicely told your parents off. That they need to back the heck off. You kind of shot yourself in the foot with that. Agree to go to therapy and then tell the therapist everything you wrote here. Especially the fact this AH tried to force you to be his daughter by cutting you off financially. That’ll go over well. Seriously. Agree to go and then print this out for the therapist. Let her ream out your parents
NTA. I get so mad at adults acting like children and trying to manipulate kids who are already vulnerable just because they’re kids into doing stuff. OP can you move in with your grandparents permanently? I’m sorry your bio mom and step father are such AH.
I think you should go to therapy with them.
I think you should ask for a session alone with the therapist before they are there.
I think you should tell the therapist your reasoning for not wanting it, and the preasure and manipulation tou have been getting at home.
Then let the therapist do their job and help heal the family, because the parents won’t be getting the help they expect.
Tell your mom “I’m disappointed in you for trying to bullying me into accepting that man as a father. You have decided getting laid is more important than me. I have lost all respect for you as a parent. You have made it perfectly clear that you neither love or care for me and it pains me greatly”
I hope you’re still in contact with your dad’s parents/siblings? If you are, reach out to them and let them know you don’t feel welcome in your own home. And even if you don’t really have contact with them. Reach out to them. Also, reach out to your maternal grandparents, let them know what’s going on. Hopefully they understand what your mom is doing is wrong and talk some sense into her
All I can really suggest, is study hard, get good grades and apply for colleges out of state/province
Also, get a job if you don’t already have one and start saving as much money as possible so you can leave at 18. Because stepdad will absolutely kick you out five minutes after you turn 18 and your mom will let him
If you can stay with your grandma from now on. I’m a bonus mom and if something ever happened to their bio mom I would never ask or force them to be adopted by me. To me they are my kids and I don’t need to adopt them to feel that way.
If he hate to raise someone’s else’s kids, don’t date a woman with 3 kids. Imagine if your dad would be alive – but divorced from your mom. Then what?! Stupid reasoning from stupid people.
You do what feels right and if that means he hates being around you, so be it. He suck’s big times for saying those things. But also he suck’s all in all, POS arguments on my book.
I hope that this is rage-bait.
Updateme
Uhhhh either way he’d be raising someone else’s kids because before the adoption you and your siblings weren’t his kids.
NTA. “Mike” and your mom need to calm down. Pushing this issue is not going to go the way they want it to.
nta
NTA Shame on your mother for putting her husband’s selfishness over her own child and for trying to erase your father’s memory. So is your mom kicking you out of her future will, also, or refusing to help you with college, etc.? I hope you have extended family you can count on for moral support now and in the future. Are your father’s parents or siblings still in your life? I hope you can find peace.
Lol im petty, I’d file for emancipation from mum and ask my grandparents to adopt me
NTA
NTA. If someone really doesn’t want to raise someone else’s kids, then they don’t date women WHO HAVE 3 KIDS!!! He’s a toxic, lying manipulative pos. He’s acquiring children & he doesn’t realize just how much he exposed himself when he said that shit. Like omg your mom should’ve run for the hills long ago! Clearly, she was looking for a new dad for you guys but it’s crazy that she settled for that LOSER!!!!! Don’t give in OP, you’re not obligated to do anything for him, especially not letting him adopt you!! You don’t owe him shit & you need to find a therapist or something for you to talk to individually. You’ve had so much pressure unfairly put on you almost your entire life! That’s a lot to deal with.. take care of yourself & try to think of an adult you trust that you can talk to!
I’m sorry that you’re going through this but just thinking two years you don’t have to deal with any of them and if your stepfather keeps it up, just say he can keep making his threats and your mom could keep pushing the issue and just tell her when you turn 18 you won’t have to be the issue anymore and they’ll miss every milestone of your life and be out of your wedding and your future children and so on and this is not gonna end it’ll just get worse when you becoming an adult and when you start to have children, they’re gonna push the envelope it’s funny how when you asked him how would he feel the situation was happening to him and he flipped out and he just can’t handle you having your biological father’s name what is he think that your DNA is gonna change with the change of a birth certificate and the last name is he that insecure in his manhood that he gets upset that you carry your father’s last name he’s that immature and your mother of course she is backing him up because she’s not thinking about her child she’s thinking about her husband that you are feelings don’t matter in the situation and they can’t let it go tell them how do they push the further they’re pushing you away and no amount of threats blackmail is gonna change your mind I hope that when you turn 18 that you honestly just walk away from them and not include them in your milestones because they don’t deserve it.
If he felt in his heart that he was your father he wouldn’t need an adoption certificate to make you family. It sounds like he resents your father, and wants to erase him.
The worst way to approach this is trying to force it on you.
Unlike your siblings you most likely have some memories of your father, which makes your situation and theirs much different as they only know your stepfather as their dad.
As for their original birth certificates, burning them was symbolic. They were no longer valid. Really all he burned was a signature on a government document.
A suggestion don’t disparage them for their choice, he is their father in every way including legally. Respect their decision the same way you want your choice to be respected.
NTA. But you might want to reconsider therapy. Therapists don’t tend to like threats or blackmail. I’m positive that if you go into a family therapy session, and start by mentioning the threat to cut you off financially if you don’t agree to adoption, that session is not going to go in your stepfather’s favor. Use the time to discuss how they have failed. It’s a controlled setting and they will be held accountable and have to listen to your very valid reasons. I would also mention burning the birth certificates.
I hope you are able to find some peace in this situation someday. It isn’t right or fair what they are doing to you.
Glad you have your grandparents. You see your dad’s extended family? Lean on them. You have a right to your feelings.
He *BURNED* the original birth certificates?
Oh HELL no.
That man has some serious emotional issues.
This is so unhealthy. I read through it all and you’re right.
Worse than just insisting, they have manipulated you emotionally and financially.
I’m glad you have your grandma to support you.
Go full NC if you have to, for your peace of mind.
NTA updateme
NTA. You clearly pointed out his hypocrisy by pointing out how would he like it if another man adopted his bio son. Mike has zero self awareness and is delusional.
When you pointed out his hypocrisy I would have included the following:
Remember my Mom replaced my dad a year after he died. If you died tomorrow how long do you think it would take her to find a new Dad for your son? How long would it take for her new husband to adopt your son and wipe you out of his life?
UpdateMe!
Go to family therapy. Tell the therapist about the birth certificates. Tell the therapist everything. In front of them. Let the therapist explain it to them, because maybe it’ll sink in that way.
And if it doesn’t work, you can tell them that you were open about your feelings in therapy and why can’t they respect that?
>he said he hates raising someone else’s children and wants us to be all his
a) fucking GROSS
b) Maybe the prick shouldn’t have hooked up with a woman with a family already, then.
>he will not include me in his will or support me in college, on my wedding day or financially pay for anything for my future children if I don’t agree to the adoption
“Cool, you won’t be invited to my wedding, won’t so much as SEE my children if I have them, and the only way I’ll attend your funeral is so I can piss on your grave like you piss on my dad’s”
Hope you get to stay with your grandparents until you’re an adult and that this psycho doesn’t get to complete the Pokémon set of Other People’s Kids he’s trying to collect.
NTA
ESH. You don’t have to change your name to be adopted. It’s optional. He’s offered you a lot and raised you, and you do nothing but push him away. But your actions will not bring back your deceased father.
I think your stepfather is right to focus his future effort on your siblings. When his generational wealth passes on to them be sure not to feel envious. I’m not sure why I’m down marking him except that he’s pushing you too hard and with you, all it does is make you dig in your heels deeper, even to your own detriment.
If your step father brings it up up again tell him this:
“I would’ve changed my mind years ago if you’d focused on being a real father instead of fighting for the title. It always felt like a performance, not attempts to build a genuine relationship with me. Being your child should be about more than an adoption, but you never understood that. You’ve failed me, but all you care about is your own ego.”
I mean you should try therapy because you’re grieving for more time than a normal grief process last but NTA for not wanting to be adopted, go and stay with your father’s family and what they’re doing to you by controlling the money and trying to black mail you with that it’s economic violence and psychological abuse so you need to talk to your school counselor or some
Kind of authority.
Refusing to participate in therapy makes you an *sshole to yourself.
ΥΤΑ. You say you wanted them to hear your side but they took you to eleven therapists and you refused to talk in any of them. You had the chance to say your side and didn’t.
Anyone who says you’re not being stubborn is blind.
As someone who lost her dad as a child. No other man could eve replace him. I’m sorry you have a shitty mom and step-dad. I’m so happy you have your paternal grand parents. I had my Nannie (dad’s mom) she was my world til 2017 when we lost her. I even lived with her for a period of time.
I would suggest individual therapy not for your mom or step-dad. But for you. So you can grieve in a safe spot vent about your feeling and how much you hate how your mom has handle everything by trying to erase your father. It does help speaking from experience who had a toxic home life after my dad died. Do it for yourself no one elsw.
NTA, for refusing to be adopted, this seems like one of those you-have-to-prove-you-love-me-or-X-will-happen scenarios.
Your siblings were so young when your dad died, and the stepdad came into your life fairly soon afterwards, so it’s not so strange that they see him as their dad, and were ok with being adopted. However you were older, and your experience of dad and stepdad joining would be different, your actual dad is less of an abstract concept than for your siblings who were babies at the time. Your mother and stepfather should recognise this.
Going to a family therapist may not be a bad idea, a good family therapist is not going to try to convince you to give in to an adoption, but they should help all of you to communicate in a much healthier way, and may help you all be able to live together in peace and acceptance
Nta, but still a weird hill to die on.
He can adopt you all he wants but he can erase the blood flowing in your veins and it’s not his. Also you made an excellent point your moms history of erasing men means if he does die he will probably be quickly replaced. He went about it all wrong as did your mom and that’s on them. NTA
If he really loved you that much and sees you as his own kid, then he would just do that without you being formally adopted by him. You two would probably have a closer relationship if him and your mom would just chill the fuck out.