Some background: My husband and I live in a house that used to be in his family. He bought it before we were married, and we’ve made it our home together. Recently went on an international trip for my birthday, and during a FaceTime call with my MIL and FIL, I realized they were in our house.
They never asked us or even mentioned they were thinking of staying. It’s a 2+ hour drive, so this wasn’t a casual drop-in. There was no emergency, no reason for them to be there. They just… showed up and stayed.
I was angry and said so. My husband and I had a huge fight over it, and now MIL and FIL are giving me the cold shoulder (and my husband is taking their side) and calling me selfish. FIL hasn’t spoken to me since.
They do have a key, but it was never meant to be a “come whenever you want” pass. I want to change the locks, but my husband refuses.
I feel like they violated a boundary, but they’re acting like I’m overreacting. AITA?
Comments
your husband gave them permission or asked them to house sit and didnt tell you.
NTA
NTA – well it seems based on your husband’s reaction that this is the dynamic between him and his parents and hes fine with it.
If youre not thats absolutely fine and you should tell him that. It didnt need to be a huge fight.
NTA – wtf?!! That’s your safe place.
OP, they just waltzed into your home? That’s infuriating. I’d be fuming too. NTA, and you have every right to be upset.
I guess they thought your house was like an Airbnb with no check-in required. Maybe you should start charging them a nightly rate for the next visit.
NTA. They didn’t ask because they knew you’d say no, and your husband’s refusal to back you up is the real problem here. This isn’t about the house “being in the family” it’s your home now, and they don’t get to treat it like theirs. The fact that they’re giving you the silent treatment instead of apologizing? entitlement.
nah, you’re not the asshole. your home is your space and they didn’t respect that at all. it’s wild they think just having a key means they can crash whenever. your feelings are valid, hope your husband comes around.
Cool fake story bro think you forgot you already posted this on a different account 😂
Aww, Sweetie. Bless your heart!
You would be the AH if you didn’t change the locks and don’t give one to hubs, he can go live with Mommy & Daddy!
NTA. TIme to change the locks.
Nta
Your husband probably knew
Change the locks and don’t give them a key!
You can buy a smart lock and then control it from your phone. Everyone can have a separate code so you know who is in the house. My nephew put one on his house. My sister seems to use it the most, but then she will let the dog in and out if she is in the neighborhood and they are out. They know if she’s stopped by they don’t have to worry about getting home because of the dog. They live within 10 miles of each other. Me on the other hand have never used my code, but in an emergency I can get in. They also gave their oldest son a code so then know when he is home from school if they aren’t home.
You can also change the code from far away and lock them out. That way they have to call and ask permission.
NTA but you hubby might be hiding something…
Like a permission he’s given them and hasn’t mentioned to you maybe? Or maybe they feel entitled and he thinks they’re right to… It’s time for a talk.
They say home is where the heart is, but apparently for your in-laws, it’s also where the key is. Time to change those locks and keep the surprise guests at bay.
Updateme
NTA. you have every right to decide who stays there, when, and under what conditions. I’d be furious too.
Change the husband, not the locks.
I have a standing rule with my siblings they can drop in whenever. Same at their houses. The difference is we have an understanding ahead of time. I think your husband hasn’t fully disclosed a discussion!
Are you sure husband didn’t give them permission…possibly knowing you wouldn’t be ok with it too? You have a husband problem here. I’d recommend counseling and honest communication. You need to be a unified front.
NTA
They violated your space without permission. If your husband refuses to even acknowledge your point & sides with them on something like this, he will on everything else. He will ALWAYS choose them over you. Beware.
Tell him if he won’t change the locks, then you want to move somewhere else they don’t have access too. If he won’t do that, then, well… you know what you need to do.
You don’t need his permission to change the locks. I’m betting this isn’t the first time these people have stomped all over your boundaries and your husband has taken their side? Maybe consider starting the process to make it just your house instead of “our” house, if you know what I mean. NTA.
NTA. The fact that your husband is defending them violating your privacy is unacceptable.
They don’t consider it YOUR house. It’s THEIR house. And it always will be as far as they’re concerned. NTA but you need to either accept or lay down an ultimatum.
Get an electronic lock. You can give them an entry code IF you want them at your house. BTW you have a husband problem not an in law one.
NTA but your husband told them they could stay.
Change the locks.
NTA. I agree with the commenter that said your husband probably gave them permission/invited them and didn’t tell you.
NTA – but you do realize your husband gave them permission to stay there. You need to ask yourself is this really how you want to spend the rest of your life?
They feel justified because it’s his house, not your. Yes, you think about it as “our” home, but now you see where they stand. The main issue is your husband, he enables them. I guess it’s couples counseling worthy. If it’s your home you should have a say. If not,if it’s HIS home,he needs to tell you this. NTA
You have a husband problem it’s pretty suspicious why they would wanna just go to your house for no apparent reason probably the snoop around this would be a major trust issue for me and if he’s blowing it off, then you have a problem with him and him being sneaky about it, not telling you just because he paid for it doesn’t meanthat you aren’t a part of the decision making
That’s just weird! I would never just go into anyone’s house without their permission. Now that I think about it, my kids just come into my house , time for me to change my locks.
Tell your husband you want to live an adult life and that means the respect and privacy adults are entitled to. To do that, you need a partner who also wants to live an adult life.
If he wants to continue to live like a teenager enmeshed with his parents, that’s his choice but he won’t be the partner for you.
NTA something similar happened to me with my ex and his sister, I hope you will be able to be heard
Husband is a DIIIIIICK
Nta
Change the locks immediately
I agree that they were wrong- and don’t see a reason for them to have a key to your home.
I don’t think it goes without saying that they just can’t go and stay at your place without asking permission.
Also, I wonder if your husband gave them person or told them they can stay whenever you all aren’t there?
oh, I’m petty AF, since it’s a family house, I would call MIL every time so much as pick out a bar of soap, FIL when I’m picking out mulch, ask if it’s okay to use the grill to BBQ this weekend. I want to get their opinion on what we do with the family house that I live in. They would get ~no peace~ no silent treatment, no cold shoulder.
NTA at all but you have a serious husband problem.
oh boy, there are so many red flags here, you might as well proclaim it for china. The biggest one is your husband, that’s the rootcause of your problems.
NTA, they did violent a boundaries. Your husband needs to be on your side.
NTA. Nobody should enter someone else’s home without permission.
NTA. The problem isn’t your inlaws overstepping its your husband allowing them to overstep.
Next time you go out of town leave sex toys out. Leave some rancid food in the fridge. Some people have to FAFO. Make snooping ILs as embarrassing for your husband as possible. Buy a strap on and other BDSM stuff, and leave it where the ILs will find it. The items don’t even need to be things you and your husband are into.
NTA. And your husband is awful. This is the hill to die on.
Both are definitely the problem
Your husband doesn’t have your back and that needs to be fixed before dealing with the ILs.
Your husband gave them permission. Nta but you have a hubby y problem.
Your husband is a weak ass if he doesn’t defend your home from his parents. Sounds like he’s still a mommy’s boy not a grown up. He should be paying the law down to them, whoever heard of parents taking such liberties
YTA
Why do y’all hate your families so much?
Would I love it if it happened to me? If my house was a mess, no. if it wasn’t, I would mention I’d appreciate them asking before BUT it’s still not a crisis.
Like are they horrible people? Are they destructive? What is the issue?
You have a spineless husband. They have no etiquette and manners. Nta
Just change the locks while he’s at work. Maybe give him a key
NTA
Sounds like they worked this out with your husband before the trip. Yikes. I’d be furious.
You have two problems , hubby and one in- laws.
If that was me I would be livid and change the locks then give hubby one key.
Are you sure your husband didn’t give permission? He’s siding with them, so he clearly has zero problem with letting them do this. So, this is your boundary and violation of you, but it doesn’t seem to be a boundary or violation for your husband.
Change them when he’s out and don’t give him a key. He clearly can’t be trusted with your home.
NTA.
Change the locks and make sure hubs understands that if HE wants a copy, he needs to set that boundary with a very high fence. It is your home now, and no one gets to invite themselves over.
If you bought that house from a total stranger, would it be okay if THEY just randomly invited themselves to stay? There is no difference here. The current owner is the ONLY person allowed to make such a decision.
NTA
They didn’t violate a boundary, they violated your privacy.
No one, NO ONE, should ever enter your home without permission. No one should ever feel they are entitled to enter and stay in your home, without permission.
I don’t care if it was their home in the past. It’s your home.
You have a husband problem.
Change the locks immediately.
NTA
No one should go into someone else home without an invitation. (Unless it’s an emergency of course)
That is simple respect.
Your in-laws are asserting that they have authority over your home, equal to you. Like dogs, they made a point of marking it when you were away.
It is reasonable to assume they also looked through all your personal effects:
Medications
Financial records
Computer search history
Memory boxes
The adult toy box
Your private journal
Your home is not yours. It is not your husband’s, it is his parents.
Turnabout of course is fair play.
If your husband really doesn’t understand, before your next visitor, (overnight, coffee, delivery person) put his most private things in the foyer.
You also could publish select passages of your journal (even if you just started it) to the family chat.
And of course, feel free to rifle thru their stuff – pantry, mail, medicine cabinet in full view of everyone next time you are at their house.
Yore not the AH, that’s your home and not your in-laws guesthouse. Hubby needs to understand that your thoughts and wishes need to be respected. His parents HAD NO right to use your home in this fashion. Locks need to be changed and in-laws not given a key. I’d consider getting a camera, for some people a 2 hour ride is nothing – they could be coming in when you’re at work and snooping around your personal business
Updateme
File for divorce! You will never win the argument because it’s your husband’s house he bought before marriage that you decided to just move into! Either file for divorce, convince him to sell your current home and you two buy one together, or just shut up! I’d be uncomfortable as hell living in a house my husband owned before marriage! It’s hard to shed the it’s his house feeling! Yes you two are married BUT being that the home was there before you, it’ll be hard to convince your husband to disallow this when he doesn’t have a problem with it! Now I do think your husband should have your back and respect your boundaries. I also agree with you that his parents vacationing at your home while you two were away is out of line and just weird! But you may have to exit the relationship if you put your foot down because it doesn’t sound like your husband respects you very much!
I don’t know. It’s HIS house that HE bought before you were married. Sure it becomes a marital asset if he wasn’t smart enough to have a prenup, but seems like it’s up to him if he‘s ok his parents staying.
You think this is your home, but he thinks this is his premarital property. So you’d better be prepared either to deal with such visits or start saving for your own place in which you’ll have a stake. That could be tricky though b/c anything you buy during the marriage will be a marital asset. Lots of unpleasant things to think about.
NTA. If OP’S parents are still with us, give them a key and welcome them when you are vacationing. See how both sets of parents exist together in the same space.