I (37F) used to be close with my brother (40M), but things have been strained since he got together with his wife. The breaking point was a family trip to Florida earlier this year.
The tension started on the flight down. My 2 year old nephew was tossing Goldfish crackers on the floor, and a flight attendant asked that they be picked up so no one stepped on them (because my brother was absolutely stepping on them). My SIL thought this was poor customer service and reported the flight attendant to the airline. It felt like an overreaction and set a weird tone for the trip.
On the first day, I cooked for everyone – quiche for breakfast and Greek pasta salad for lunch. My brother, SIL, and their kids did not eat a single bite. That stung, and I decided not to cook again.
On the second morning around 8 a.m., the kids were running through the house and banging a rocking chair against the wall of the bedroom my husband (37M) and I were in. The first morning was loud but not excessive like that. Exhausted, I gently said to my 4-year-old nephew, “Hey sweetie, could you please keep it down?” He smiled and said, “Of course” so NBD.
Later that morning my mom (71F) told me she thought my SIL was speaking more loudly after that, almost like she was trying to keep us awake. That night, after drinking, my SIL confronted me in front of my mom. She accused me of attacking her parenting. I stayed calm and said I had not meant it that way. At one point she said she hoped I would have more leeway for “new mothers.” I replied that she was not a new mother since her kids are 4 and 2. My mom stayed neutral and later just said she was tired of hearing about the “rocking chair incident.”
On day 3, I was not there, but my husband told me later he heard from my SIL that the family had been asked to leave a restaurant after an argument with staff and of course it was the staff’s fault for not being understanding.
After the confrontation, I basically withdrew. I stopped trying to hang out with the group. I spent most of my time with my husband, and when I ran into the kids I would play with them, but really I should’ve just gone home early.
On day 4, my brother cooked dinner but never invited us or told us what time they were eating. Now he seems to resent that I did not just “invite myself” and eat what he cooked.
Fast forward to this week. I had a call with him where he spent the first 10 minutes talking about himself – job search, family, everything going on with him. When I finally gave an update on my own life, he immediately changed the subject back to himself.
I told him I was hurt that he did not seem to care about my life. His exact words were that my life “was not interesting to him.” I said that was unkind, and that if our relationship was ever going to get better, we needed to actually talk about each other’s lives.
Instead of engaging, he got mad and dredged up Florida again, saying he is still upset that I attacked his wife and did not eat his dinner.
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I (37F) used to be close with my brother (40M), but things have been strained since he got together with his wife. The breaking point was a family trip to Florida earlier this year.
The tension started on the flight down. My 2 year old nephew was tossing Goldfish crackers on the floor, and a flight attendant asked that they be picked up so no one stepped on them (because my brother was absolutely stepping on them). My SIL thought this was poor customer service and reported the flight attendant to the airline. It felt like an overreaction and set a weird tone for the trip.
On the first day, I cooked for everyone – quiche for breakfast and Greek pasta salad for lunch. My brother, SIL, and their kids did not eat a single bite. That stung, and I decided not to cook again.
On the second morning around 8 a.m., the kids were running through the house and banging a rocking chair against the wall of the bedroom my husband (37M) and I were in. The first morning was loud but not excessive like that. Exhausted, I gently said to my 4-year-old nephew, “Hey sweetie, could you please keep it down?” He smiled and said, “Of course” so NBD.
Later that morning my mom (71F) told me she thought my SIL was speaking more loudly after that, almost like she was trying to keep us awake. That night, after drinking, my SIL confronted me in front of my mom. She accused me of attacking her parenting. I stayed calm and said I had not meant it that way. At one point she said she hoped I would have more leeway for “new mothers.” I replied that she was not a new mother since her kids are 4 and 2. My mom stayed neutral and later just said she was tired of hearing about the “rocking chair incident.”
On day 3, I was not there, but my husband told me later he heard from my SIL that the family had been asked to leave a restaurant after an argument with staff and of course it was the staff’s fault for not being understanding.
After the confrontation, I basically withdrew. I stopped trying to hang out with the group. I spent most of my time with my husband, and when I ran into the kids I would play with them, but really I should’ve just gone home early.
On day 4, my brother cooked dinner but never invited us or told us what time they were eating. Now he seems to resent that I did not just “invite myself” and eat what he cooked.
Fast forward to this week. I had a call with him where he spent the first 10 minutes talking about himself – job search, family, everything going on with him. When I finally gave an update on my own life, he immediately changed the subject back to himself.
I told him I was hurt that he did not seem to care about my life. His exact words were that my life “was not interesting to him.” I said that was unkind, and that if our relationship was ever going to get better, we needed to actually talk about each other’s lives.
Instead of engaging, he got mad and dredged up Florida again, saying he is still upset that I attacked his wife and did not eat his dinner.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my brother I was hurt that he didn’t care about my life. That could make me the asshole because I confronted him instead of letting it go, and I withdrew from the family trip after the argument which might have not been ideal. Now he and my SIL resent me and are angry at me, and I’m trying to see if I was actually in the wrong and am being difficult or if they are the difficult party.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA
Your brother and his wife sound like awful, super entitled people, personally I’d never hang out or speak with them if I had a choice.
NTA. I can’t imagine going on vacation with people who acted like that. They leave destruction in their wake. You didn’t do anything wrong. If you are invited to another one of those awful vacations, don’t go.
NTA. Just distance yourself from them.
NTA your brother and his wife sound awful and entitled. You did nothing wrong.
NTA. Time to lose contact with those two narcissists.