TL;DR: I am pregnant and have been bedridden with sickness and fatigue. My friends threw me a “bachelorette” that was basically just a lunch at the beach where I sat alone, sober, nauseous and exhausted while everyone else drank. Meanwhile, my fiancé’s friends assumed I had a proper party and organised him a wild overnight villa trip with lots of alcohol. He never explained that I’m pregnant, even though I asked him to tell the truth so they would plan something more low key. Now he makes me out to be controlling for being upset, while I feel like I am making all the sacrifices and he gets to carry on with life as usual.
I (32F) am getting married in two weeks. My fiancé (28M) and I found out I am pregnant a few weeks ago. He was over the moon, but honestly I was more hesitant. I love him and I want this baby, but I am also grieving the experience I thought I would have.
The past five weeks I have been stuck in bed feeling sick, exhausted and not like myself at all. Pregnancy has hit me hard with nausea, fatigue and hormones. I feel like I have lost who I am. Meanwhile, his life has continued as normal. He goes about his days, sees his friends, drinks, and is still himself, while I am sidelined, watching my old life disappear.
On top of that, I feel like I am missing out on my own wedding. I spent years planning everything (my parents are paying for it), and now instead of enjoying it, I know I will be on the outside looking in. Just like I was at my so-called bachelorette.
My friends surprised me with one, but it was literally just a lunch at the beach due to the pregnancy. Everyone else was drinking, laughing and having fun, while I sat by myself on a sun lounger feeling nauseous and exhausted. After lunch, they all went out partying, but I went home alone and vomited. That was my bachelorette. It honestly just made me sadder, because it highlighted how much I am missing out on.
Meanwhile, his friends saw photos on Instagram that my friends had posted and assumed I had a proper party. So in response, him and his friends started planning a huge overnight villa trip for him with lots of alcohol (2 hours away on a Sunday night). Only my fiancé knew the truth, that I did not actually have a celebration, that I am pregnant, and that this time has been incredibly hard on me. I asked him to tell his friends the reality so they would plan something more low key and proportional. He instead told them that I would not let him stay overnight. So now they see me as the controlling fiancée ruining his fun.
Now his friends have booked the villa because they believe they should have one last blowout party (even though this opportunity passed me by). My fiancée says he doesn’t know how he will get home and might need to stay the night (how convenient).
AITA for being upset my fiancé is having a wild bachelor while I am pregnant, sick in bed, and never got a real bachelorette?
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TL;DR: I am pregnant and have been bedridden with sickness and fatigue. My friends threw me a “bachelorette” that was basically just a lunch at the beach where I sat alone, sober, nauseous and exhausted while everyone else drank. Meanwhile, my fiancé’s friends assumed I had a proper party and organised him a wild overnight villa trip with lots of alcohol. He never explained that I’m pregnant, even though I asked him to tell the truth so they would plan something more low key. Now he makes me out to be controlling for being upset, while I feel like I am making all the sacrifices and he gets to carry on with life as usual.
I (32F) am getting married in two weeks. My fiancé (28M) and I found out I am pregnant a few weeks ago. He was over the moon, but honestly I was more hesitant. I love him and I want this baby, but I am also grieving the experience I thought I would have.
The past five weeks I have been stuck in bed feeling sick, exhausted and not like myself at all. Pregnancy has hit me hard with nausea, fatigue and hormones. I feel like I have lost who I am. Meanwhile, his life has continued as normal. He goes about his days, sees his friends, drinks, and is still himself, while I am sidelined, watching my old life disappear.
On top of that, I feel like I am missing out on my own wedding. I spent years planning everything (my parents are paying for it), and now instead of enjoying it, I know I will be on the outside looking in. Just like I was at my so-called bachelorette.
My friends surprised me with one, but it was literally just a lunch at the beach due to the pregnancy. Everyone else was drinking, laughing and having fun, while I sat by myself on a sun lounger feeling nauseous and exhausted. After lunch, they all went out partying, but I went home alone and vomited. That was my bachelorette. It honestly just made me sadder, because it highlighted how much I am missing out on.
Meanwhile, his friends saw photos on Instagram that my friends had posted and assumed I had a proper party. So in response, him and his friends started planning a huge overnight villa trip for him with lots of alcohol (2 hours away on a Sunday night). Only my fiancé knew the truth, that I did not actually have a celebration, that I am pregnant, and that this time has been incredibly hard on me. I asked him to tell his friends the reality so they would plan something more low key and proportional. He instead told them that I would not let him stay overnight. So now they see me as the controlling fiancée ruining his fun.
Now his friends have booked the villa because they believe they should have one last blowout party (even though this opportunity passed me by). My fiancée says he doesn’t know how he will get home and might need to stay the night (how convenient).
AITA for being upset my fiancé is having a wild bachelor while I am pregnant, sick in bed, and never got a real bachelorette?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel bad because I should just let my fiancée enjoy this experience, just because I cannot doesn’t mean that he shouldn’t enjoy himself. I don’t know if I am just being jealous and want him to suffer as much as I do. I do not want to be that kind of partner. I wish that I could wave him off and hope he has a great time, but I don’t.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Yta
Your fiance has done nothing wrong, your angry because he is doing something you can’t.
Nothing stopping you having another bachelorette party in a years time.
Soft YTA
First off, you’re not wrong for having emotions. Your emotions are not right or wrong, they simply are. What matters is how you react to those emotions.
It’s perfectly valid to feel like you were kind of cheated out of an experience you thought you were going to have. That legitimately doesn’t sound fun for you and it’s entirely understandable why you feel shortchanged.
But that’s not his problem in the sense that he had nothing to do with that. Now it kind of sounds like you’re coming at it from a “My experience sucked so his has to suck too.” I understand that’s maybe not what you’re trying to say but it’s what it sounds like from the outside.
What would make you happy? If he cancelled everything and stayed home with you? How much partying for him is too much and how much is appropriate?
>I asked him to tell his friends the reality so they would plan something more low key and proportional. He instead told them that I would not let him stay overnight. So now they see me as the controlling fiancée ruining his fun.
Throwing you under the bus is definitely not a great move but my overriding question is does he know any of what you’ve shared here? If you haven’t, I can very easily see him not understanding why you’d ask him to keep it more low key and making an assumption.
>On top of that, I feel like I am missing out on my own wedding. I spent years planning everything (my parents are paying for it), and now instead of enjoying it, I know I will be on the outside looking in.
Missing out because you’re not feeling well from being pregnant? That’s certainly valid but are there any changes you could make that would make the ceremony more comfortable for you? Is delaying it until after the baby comes an option?
It’s understandable to be frustrated that things aren’t going the way you originally wanted them to but the fix for that isn’t to insist that other people can’t have fun, the fix is to find ways to still get where you want to go that work for you.
I think it’s worth sitting for a bit and asking yourself what you’d really need to feel better right now and if you’ve talked with your fiancee about this and really told him how you feel.
NTA
Your feelings are completely valid. You are going through a physically and emotionally difficult time due to pregnancy and missing out on the experiences you had envisioned for your bachelorette and wedding planning. Being sidelined while your fiancé enjoys a wild bachelor without considering your situation is hurtful, especially since you explicitly asked him to communicate your needs to his friends.
Your fiancé’s choice to allow the villa trip and misrepresent your wishes to his friends shows a lack of empathy and consideration for your circumstances. Feeling upset is a natural response to being treated as less of a priority while your own experiences have been limited and uncomfortable.
This situation calls for honest communication about expectations, empathy, and respect for each other’s experiences. It is reasonable to ask your fiancé to acknowledge your feelings and to adjust plans so they are appropriate given your pregnancy and the sacrifices you are making. Your concerns are about fairness, emotional support, and respect, which are not controlling but essential in a partnership.
ESH. I feel like you’re both treating the other like shit.
It’s not your fiance’s fault you’re feeling nauseous due to pregnancy and you’re taking the anger out on him. But he definitely should be supporting you more and not lie to make you the bad guy. Also he’s lying to you by saying he can’t go back just so he can get shitfaced.
You two treat each other as if you didn’t even like one another nevermind love. There’s no understanding, there’s no wanting the other to be comfortable and happy, there’s not even basic respect.
This is hard, because I respect how your feeling but unfortunately I think YTA. But its a crap situation. Life is not just about partying and having fun and I think you might be a little jealous, but pregnancy is extremely exciting and you are going to have so many experiences he can’t have. Spend those two days relaxing ♥️ It sounds like you have been planning this wedding your whole life but things do change a little your going to have to readjust your expectations a little now that your pregnant.
ESH – because honestly even at 32 you don’t sound like you understand the sacrifice you are making to bring a life into the world. pregnancy is challenging – i was literally bedbound those first few weeks so i get it! however, if this is truly interceding upon your hearts’ wishes, of having a proper bachelorette & to be an active participant in your own wedding, perhaps it is not the right time. because the truth about childrearing is that your life is over as you know it, and it starts anew as something entirely different. if you are already experiencing that at just 5 weeks, imagine how much harder it will feel in 9 months. i approached pregnancy with a similar naivete & it is costly in so many ways. YTA for making this others’ problem when you are unhappy with the results of your own choices. He’s TA for living his life as usual with a bedsick pregnant fiancee. friends are all assholes for being selfish. hope it helps goodluck w the wedding and baby
NTA for being upset, it is upseting. But don’t be upset with your fiance, it’s just circimstances, it’s nobody’s fault. Enjoy you pregnancy and wedding as much as you can under the limitations, and throw yourself a nice annivesary party when you settled down and aren’t so pregnant.
YTA – look at what you’re actually asking for here, it’s not for anything to improve your own situation, it’s just to make his life worse.
If that’s your attitude you shouldn’t be having a baby or getting married. He’s no better on that front though, neither of you have the other’s best interests at heart, you’re competing with each other, you’re trying to sabotage him through sheer jealousy, he’s misleading his friends about why, you’re not acting in any way like a team or even people who like each other.
Neither of you, but you in particular, are ready for this. Call the whole thing off, or live with this resentment (but worse) for the rest of your life.
Your anger is misplaced. Your friends are the problem but you’re punishing your fiance instead of calling them out.
I think your request regarding his stag is unreasonable because his friends haven’t done anything wrong by booking the villa and spoiling their buddy. Your fiance should be able to stay overnight.
I’ve been to two bachelorettes, one just a few months ago, where we happily catered to our pregnant friend (and in the other case, brand new mother), by having lots of games instead of just drinking, daytime activities at a child friendly location. It’s not hard to do.
Your friends are selfish, but I’m sorry that’s not his fault.
Sorry, YTA
NTA.
You’re not saying he can’t go have fun, but for him to have a full essentially 2 day bachelor party when you got maybe 2 hours of celebration and didn’t even get to have fun during it is inconsiderate in my opinion.
Your fiancé is more concerned with his fun than with the feelings of the person who’s carrying his child.
(if your friends knew you were pregnant they’re also at fault! No morning sick woman wants to sit at the beach with a bunch of drunk people. They should have spent time with you and made sure it was something youd enjoy.)
Let him enjoy himself. Just because you feel sick doesn’t mean he should be stuck at home or in bed. This is one of the sacrifices of being pregnant. Once he returns, I’m sure he will be even more attentive, especially if you respect his wishes. It also depends on the timing; if his friends have already paid for things in advance, it could be a tough situation for him since he might not want his friends to waste their money.
I’m going against the grain of the other replies here and say NTA simply because he lied to his friends about why he had to plan something more low key. They might be more understanding if they knew the truth and acted accordingly. He can still have a fun bachelor party and respect your pregnancy. It’s his baby, too.
NAH
Look you need to postpone this wedding. You sound bitter and you will never get this time back, this is how you will always remember your wedding as something that happened to you rather than something you participated in. It also sounds like your fiancé is really lacking empathy and just out to make sure he has a good time. This isn’t a good way to start a marriage. Pregnancy is pretty hard most of the time because you do miss out on a lot but perhaps you should consider seeing a doctor about how you feel, you can develop pregnancy related depression.
YTA I don’t understand your reasoning. I think you’re directing your anger to the wrong persons. Your friends arranged a shitty bachelorette. That doesn’t mean his friends shouldn’t give him a proper one. How would that solve anything?
I think this is a NAH situation, being pregnant in the first trimester sucks so bad, you probably have to adjust the plans to wear your wedding dress and you may feel like you’re going to be a nauseous bride on your wedding day. And your fiance is maybe not understanding how bad you’re feeling.
BUT he is allowed to have a fun bachelor party. And it’s not wrong for him to want one. I get that it makes you feel shitty but his life will change massively once baby is here so you should let him enjoy himself before that happens. Trust me, if he is a good partner, he will also feel that he is losing himself a bit for a while after baby is born. My husband is only just getting time for his hobbies back now that our LO has just turned two. (I am in a slightly different boat as my hobbies are largely crafts that I can pick up and put down, and happen at home. He likes windsurfing so that needs more time planning in)
And the first trimester is by far the worst you will feel until right at the very end of pregnancy (I’m talking the last few weeks). Even if it sucks on your wedding day, you will hopefully feel better soon.
If the photos from your party give the impression you were all having a great time, who can blame people for believing you were? In any case just because you’re not feeling well shouldn’t mean your fiance shouldn’t have fun, surely? I know sickness in pregnancy can be awful – my daughter suffered 6 months of it and following that awful pelvic pain from something called SPD. She was in her final year at university and also working. Total misery and I know it got her down. Hopefully your sickness won’t go on that long. If it did, you and your fiance would have a very miserable start to your married lives by the sound of it. TBH if I was fiance I’d be questioning whether getting married at this point is sensible. Maybe wait until you’re feeling better, get used to being parents – which as well as being joyful can also be very hard work – fatigue from being woken multiple times a night most certainly gets in the way of enjoying many social events. If you’re still both in love with each other in a couple of years’ time, maybe think of tying the knot then?
I feel like both you and your fiancé have a very strange view of marriage. It’s like you both want to “have one last epic party” before you….trudge into the drudgery of marriage? Why do you think you can’t have another party with friends after you’re married? What are you planning to DO at these parties?? This is an alarming perspective to enter marriage with.
You are allowed to mourn the loss of the perfect wedding and bachelorette experience you envisioned (your expectations seem very high). But if you both have taken actions that allowed a pregnancy to happen then yes, the unfair reality is that you will feel the burden and the change first and hardest….harder than your male partner.
But he ought to be by your side, supporting you through this. I don’t know where his heart is at, maybe he does prioritise you and IS supportive, or maybe he’s really selfish and this party is just another example of his self-absorption. Only you can know the answer.
I don’t think you’re TA. But you can’t blame others for the circumstance here. You seem focused on optics rather than the things that are actually real – you’re about to marry the father of the baby you’re about to have. You will be beginning a journey and life experience together, NOT having a one-off wedding event or a “birth”. It’s time to zoom out and look at the big picture.
Does he commonly lie about you and throw you under the bus to get his own way?
NTA and neither of you are ready to marry. Have the baby, give it your last name, and see how supportive your immature, party focused fiancé is. Then decide if you even want this relationship.
The problem isn’t that he’s having a nice bachelor party. The problem is that you’re having a hard time, not feeling supported by the people around you, and nothing has been proposed to help you or make up for your negative experience. If he doesn’t get this party, that still doesn’t mean he’ll be giving you the support you want or that you suddenly won’t be missing out.
You need to think about what you WANT that would help you. Like: a party later? Your friends to pay more attention to you and less to getting drunk, maybe do something you can also do? Your fiance to do something to make the pregnancy easier or lift your burdens? To move the wedding? Some ideas may be more feasible than others but before you dismiss anything, first figure out what you WANT to ask for and what need it speaks to.
ESH.
YTA It sucks you can’t fully enjoy it, but there is no reason to make him miss out too. To give something to look forward to I’d focus on going away once the baby is big enough or doing something with friends etc. Just because you’re having a baby doesn’t mean you can’t still enjoy these things, they just take more planning
You are making a big mistake getting married.
NTA for how you feel. It’s natural to be envious because of the situation.
I’m married and we have two kids and yeah, pregnancy looks hard. Not just the birth bit, the whole thing. I felt really sorry for what my wife went through for those two 9 month stretches.
Only thing I’d say, and this is maybe male privilege here, is that it seems unreasonable to restrict what your fiancé does for his bachelor party unless you need his presence to help you out. While I understand the feelings of jealousy/injustice, your fiancé hasn’t done anything wrong.
Situation isn’t ideal, but vocalizing to him that he shouldn’t have a proper bachelor party because you’re not currently able to have a proper bachelorette seems a little unfair to me.
ESH.
Postpone this wedding. Not because you don’t want to marry him but because pregnancy may knock you around in a way that makes it impossible for it to be what you want it to be. Sign your paperwork and plan your wedding for when Bub has arrived so you can enjoy it.
YTA. Do you want a fun party or a strong marriage? Sometimes, he gets more, other times, you’ll get more. Yes, it sucks that you can’t party now but that’s no reason to not want him to enjoy his. Stop being selfish and learn that it’s not alle about you (or all about him!). You’ll be happier if you share each other’s good times and successes.
Your friends were TA for drinking etc when you weren’t having fun. It was your bachelorette, it was literally your party and should have been for you, not them. You are probably feeling the way you are because you were left out and he isn’t. He has no reason to not have a proper bachelor party, he isn’t pregnant. But you are NTA for feeling sad. Just be mad at your friends, not him
YTA. I would never have made my husband miss out on fun when I was pregnant. He’s only got one bachelor party
No judgement. OP, I’m sorry to say, but you’re not ready for this baby. You’re not ready for the life of a mom. Your mindset is still in young-person experiential mode where everything is fun and planned and/or spontaneous. And sorry, but you’re immature to think, “I didn’t get this, so he shouldn’t get that.” You both need to leap into therapy to wrap your heads around what is about to happen. You both seem pblivious. You seem to believe you’re getting “ripped off” from things you deserve, when in actuality, you’re pregnant trying to experience things as a non-pregnant person. Please go to therapy to sort this out before baby comes
ESH
You guys are in for a wild ride with parenting. Bitterness and resentment grow. Best to start communicating openly with each other now.
Good luck.
Sounds like misery loves company. This is the result of not using protection when you were not ready for a baby. He is trying to enjoy himself before he dives into husband and daddy mode. Let him be. You can plan a girls’ night without the baby once you are comfortable leaving the baby overnight in his care. Should he be more compassionate? Yes he should but right now he is focused on that major last hang he gets to make with his boys. You are probably also moping around and he is using this as a great escape.
YTA.
Why would you want the man you love to miss out on a milestone life event that, by its definition as a gender segregated party, you never would have been a part of no matter the circumstances?
It sounds like you’re too sick to be enjoying much of anything, so you sound a bit ungrateful for your friends effort. It sounds like they stuck to a lowkey beach hangout becausw they assumed you’d be too sick to enjoy anything else. Had they planned a more active party, you likely would have complained about that too. I never drink, but being around people who do at a party never spoils my enjoyment. I’m also of the opinion that if you want something specific out of a party, whether that’s a birthday or a bachelorette, you need to voice that or even take charge of planning it. Otherwise, you should just appreciate the effort your friends made.
I understand you’re not feeling well and hormones are a b, so that is likely colouring your actions. But you need to think of it from a values perspective. Do you want to be the person who insists that no one can enjoy anything when they are miserable? Unless your fiance has been completely unsupportive and not taking care of you at all while you’re sick and pregnant, there is not a good reason to be upset with him taking a few days to go enjoy his pre-wedding festivities.
Yta bro
Yeah… you’re the asshole. Good news tho! Diaper poops! 😂
You have social media tell everybody you are pregnant and how you are feeling.I cant under stand why your Bf isn’t shouting out loud about this joyful time?if you don’t. Let your friends know,how can they act differently.Don’t spoil his fun because you are miserable Just wake everybody
Up to the events causing your misery
This is a gentle YTA. Pregnancy is hard and you’re feeling bitter and jealous that your fiance doesn’t have to go through that. But there’s no reason your fiance shouldn’t get a proper bachelor party and be able to have a good time because you were less than happy with your own. He’s not abandoning you in a time of need, or doing anything out of the ordinary, your biggest qualm as you put it is you “never got a real bachelorette”. As a partner, you should be encouraging him to have the bachelor party he wants, not demanding he miss out just because you’re jealous.
I don’t think you’re an asshole for your feelings, but if you and your fiancé both feel this strongly about partying, you are NOT ready to be parents! You know you don’t actually have to give up your life for a pregnancy if you don’t want to, right?
INFO: is he doing anything to make up to you the fact that he’s out having fun while you’re miserable? Scheduling you a spa day, pampering you, etc.? Or is it just “oh sucks to be you lol see ya later”?
Soft YTA. Yes it’s sad that you didn’t have the bachelorette of your dreams, but life happens. You guys got pregnant at a not ideal time, but it’s still a blessing. He deserves to have his friends make a big deal about him too. My partner was so happy for me to have a hens, even though he didn’t have a party… I was so grateful he was so easy going and I didn’t have to miss out because he was jealous. Maybe ask your husband to be if you could organise a little celebration together once you’re feeling a bit better. But don’t rain on his parade. A good partner should want happiness for their partner and other people celebrating them. It suck’s you’re sick and feeling awful, but it’s not his fault. Give him extra diaper duties when the baby comes if you’re still feeling a little salty.
YTA for your misery loves company bs. and you’re in your 30s, there’s no good excuse for being this selfish. “if i don’t get to have fun, you shouldn’t have any either!!!!!! how dare you have fun that I can’t have?” oof. do you hear yourself. your fiance sounds like he’s been living his regular life, and not sick with pregnancy, and you already sound resentful of that. if you didn’t want to be a mum you should have taken better precautions, or just admit you’re not ready and opt for abortion now. you’re five weeks in and this miserable, and ready to make his life just as miserable. have you thought about how much worse it’s going to get over the next 21 years???
ESH. you need to figure out who you’re really angry at; he needs to grow up.
You are controlling and trying to ruin his fun because you are jealous.
YTA. If you act like this you will just breed resentment.
YTA. I’d put money on the marriage not lasting if this is your attitude towards him. If you didn’t want to get pregnant before your wedding, use a condom.
YTA
It’s one night…why should he miss out because you had to? Misery loves company I guess.
ESH.
You appear to be saying because you can’t have fun, your finance can’t have fun. That is bad.
Your friends managed to make you feel excluded at your own bacheloret party. They suck for that. Not saying they could have made if fun. But you shouldn’t feel excluded.
Your Fiance is making you feel abandoned. He should be spending a bunch of time with you supporting you and doing what he can to make your life easier, but when he has done all he can, you should complain that he is having fun.
As to your wedding. It would be a reasonable reason to delay, to be able to enjoy your wedding the way you want.
YTA. Your beloved is being feted by his friends. Be generous. Let him enjoy it! After this, it’s parenthood.
You didn’t get the party you wanted, and you don’t want the wedding you planned, given the limitations because of the pregnancy. You can postpone it until you are ready and able go drink, which seems ho be your objective.
I’m sorry, OP. It seems things have not worked out the way you wanted them to. Your fiance wanted the baby two years ago but won’t tell his friends now that his are pregnant? That’s odd.
You and he don’t seem mature enough yet for parenting a child. I think you should pause your plans to marry for a year.