My husband cheated on me with his sister’s best friend.
I am filing for divorce.
As you’d expect, I was the last person to find out (8 years later). In that 8 years time frame, I have paid out of pocket for IVF treatment with my husband who has no sperm ducts and therefore couldn’t give me a baby naturally, despite me being perfectly healthy and fertile.
I’ve also given up a lot of myself to help him with other things he had going in his life.
In those 8 years, my sister in law, who knew THE WHOLE TIME about the cheating, continued to bring the woman he cheated with to our family events, birthday parties, told her about our fertility struggles etc etc.
When it all came to light, I felt instant disconnect from my husband. I could not explain the pain I felt knowing how much of my life I gave up for him. But I also felt upset at his sister for seeing me go through all of this pain and never thinking of me.
So I told her how I felt and in this speech, I mentioned that while my husband was a part of this, her friend was too. And her friend showed disrespect not only towards me, but also towards her.
As soon as I said that, all hell broke loose and everyone attacked me as though I’d done something wrong (the family). I felt so trapped, manipulated, gaslit and hurt.
As I sit here and wait for my divorce papers to come through, I can’t help but feel like I’ve said something wrong. AITA?
Comments
Listen girl I’m speaking from experience I have been cheated on 5 times this year by the same guy. Each time he tried to hide it but I ALWAYS found out. I think you can still make this work and talk with your husband, yes YOUR HUSBAND since you are still married under the law. Find a consensus and make it work. It will take time and people will be hurt but that’s not important
NTA. You’ve been duped in the worst way by people you should have been able to rely on to cover your back. Clearly this family has not valued or respected you as you deserve. You can’t change people like this, but you can choose to not be mistreated by them any longer. So sorry this happened to you but know you deserve better, and you will only find that by getting out of this family lock, stock and barrel. I wish you the best going forward.
NTA. You didn’t say anything wrong. His whole family is full of it. Your sister in law probably always wanted him to date her friend. None of these people are innocent, they’re just manipulating gaslighters. I hope you get a shark lawyer and really go for the jugular. He should pay for half of that IVF out of his share of the divorce settlement.
NTA. It’s always easier to blame the victim than the perpetrator. The sister picked a side years ago. Your husband too. It’s good you’re leaving.
How could you be? What a clown car of assholes.
NTA,
YOUR (EX)HUSBAND AND HIS FAMILY IS HEARTLESS.
NTA. They circled the wagons and it happens. Maybe one day they will realize you were right, but by then hopefully you’ll be enjoying your new life.
NTA for feeling upset.
You should consider that she actively protected your barren husband’s infidelity and even helped them out while you never suspected a thing. Telling them about how hurt you feel will do nothing for you. What are you hoping to achieve? That’s their son/brother, they won’t care about you.
Most men like your husband cheat for an ego boost because they are insecure and want to take you down a peg for what they perceive is their level. He wants to see you sad, broken and hurt.
My advice? Do not communicate with his family. If you talk with him, make sure to speak only of the details of the divorce. Act like you don’t give a shit, like this is all business so you don’t give him the satisfaction. Then, get into therapy.
NTA- block all his family and get everything you can from the divorce. It will be rough at first but you’ll see later you’ll be happier. Don’t let them win, you’ll come out on top. Best of luck
NTA.
I’m curious why you’d care if you’re the AH or not?
The best part of divorce is that you never have to associate with any of those people ever again, especially if there are no kids involved.
I dealt with a similar situation during my first marriage. I fell in love with my best friend’s brother, and married him. It changed our friendship forever (a positive in hindsight).
She became best friends with another girl, that had previously hooked up with her brother. Then she started going behind my back to get them in the same places together. She even waited until I was out of town one night to convince her brother to let her and her best friend spend the night. My ex hooked up with her that night. His sister knew, hell she’d been trying to encourage it! She just loved having that secret and laughing at me behind my back.
I divorced him over a decade ago (and moved across the country). I’m so glad that I never have to be around those people. I haven’t seen or spoken to the sister or anyone else in that family (including the ex) since the divorce, thank goodness!
Hard NTA. Those were 8 whole years of being kept in the dark. It’s completely reasonable for you to be upset at EVERYONE who knew and simply decided to let things continue. In fact, the sister even actively incorporated the third person into the picture.
It isn’t salvageable to me. 8 years is enough time for a baby to grow into a child that goes to school. 8 years is enough time for a degree and masters. Hell, we had a pandemic where the worst of it lasted for half of the time he spent cheating on you but God forbid you get upset?
These people had no respect for you from the moment they decided to let it happen.
Choose your own peace. Godspeed the divorce.
NTA- you made the right move. Personally I think the cheaters should get less in the divorce settlement. That’s why this guy will never marry. If I did there would be a cheating clause for sure. Sorry for your loss and hang in there. I would have said much more.
NTA. The family is def in the wrong. 8 years holy fuck. they probobly planned to ensure it’d be 80 years so you’d never fucking know. Good grief, at least now you know so you can get out cause who knows if it was just one woman he cheated with and they’re just not telling you about the others or what if he’s done something else you’re unware of that again the family is covering up. Stay safe and get the fuck away from that.
Ok this might not be the point but I feel like it matters. Did he cheat once 8 years ago???? Or were they having an 8 year affair??? NTA either way. But one is MUCH worse than the other.
NTA.
You called them out for their shit behavior, and they couldn’t handle it. Why? Because they knew you were right but wanted to take no accountability for what they did. It made them look like assholes, which they are.
You have done no wrong here. You have a right to be angry and speak your truth. They just want you to tuck your tail and be silent. Don’t do it. Anyone asks, tell them the truth. You got proof, show those receipts. Fuck all of them.
You just spoke the truth. People hate that. And here’s another thing. Lots of times when we are in a committed relationship and then we find out the person has been cheating on us, there are a couple things that happen that you’ve discovered. The first one is that you realize that person has been lying to every single day since they started cheating. So every single day they were deceptive and manipulative to you. The second thing we realize is that They were never ever ever the person they pretended to be or the person we thought they were. So… The person we loved never existed. Once we realize this, the love just kind of disintegrates on its own. It’s difficult and it’s shocking but it’s our subconscious self understanding with honesty the reality. Which is the person we loved never existed. almost nobody wants anyone to be honest and direct. I really value honesty and directness. I support you and I respect you. Step away from all of them.
NTA. Good on you for calling everyone out. Let them scream and shout. Just go LC throughout the divorce process and only communicate through lawyers if possible. Don’t give them any more of your time they don’t deserve it.
NTA. Honestly, fuck them all! Your husband, sister and best friend are complete AHs. You are the only one justified in feeling angry. I hope you take him for everything he is worth.
There is someone out there for everyone. I hope you find real love next time. Maybe a baby is in the future for you. I’m sorry this happened and wish you a better life ahead.
NTA, they prove that they are all shitty people. Anybody who would cover an affair is just as bad as the cheaters, throw the whole family away.
It’s heartbreaking to think your soon to be ex husband and his family are such idiots…his sister and her friend, two snakes in the grass…get a good lawyer, try to gather as much evidence as you can and maybe go to therapy? Choose yourself, rebuild your life and kick them all in the butt. Good luck and keep us posted.
NTA
Your sister in law is evil. Her family is probably shit as well.
The cockroaches hate it when the light goes on. You are NTA.
NTA
Nta no matter what.
Though I do have some questions. Was it just the one time 8 years ago? I’d be a little more lenient if it has never happened again. But judging by your comments, the divorce was bound to happen.
I’m a fan of exposing cheaters. That being said, if it was family and I truly believed it was an accident and they would never do it again, I might try to hide it too. Very very very unlikely. I can’t exactly think of how they could prove it wouldn’t happen again. But if they could, and I believed it…
NTA no matter what they try to convince you of. They are all master manipulators and have clearly taken joy in knowing. Please reach out to your healthcare provider and get a full STI/hiv screening.
They gaslit you successfully and that’s sad.
nta
NTA- I know it hurts so bad. But take comfort in knowing that all those lying cheating assholes get to be with each other. You get to move forward and be free of them & find someone who will love & treasure you. Good luck
I hope you live in at “at-fault” state so your lawyer can go to town on STBX and his family.
Why are you letting them undermine your self confidence abs respect.
He cheated and they were all part of it.
Get the best lawyer you can. Get the best settlement you can.
Turn you back on the whole rotten lot.
NTA. UpdateMe
NTA
You have a very good idea of what you can and what you can’t live with. Had he come clean 8 years ago, perhaps you could reconcile. If that AP had been banished immediately, perhaps you could reconcile. Had he stood up to his family, and cut off his sister, perhaps you could reconcile. But he’s shown you that there are no ways in which he has placed you first. So what is left to try to rebuild?
Get to r/survivinginfidelity. Want validation? You’ll get it there.
Look up Grey Rock. Then implement it with him and his family.
Then read two books:
Leave a cheater, gain a life by Tracy Schorn
No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover.
They are not worth your time. Take care! Be single and enjoy your life.
You are NOT TAH!!! People show up in court to defend their convicted murderer family members. What I’m saying is people are absolute selfish idiots. These people in the family are extremely selfish, cruel, manipulative, and it runs deep at their core. They know that they were just a scandalous as he was. She would protect her friend over you and the honorable marriage you tried to give him. What disgusting pigs. You’re gonna be so much better off now and I am so proud of you but stand your ground and don’t let anybody manipulate you in any way. You are traumatized. Say how you feel and know that it’s OK to feel anger because this type of cruelty is the worst of the worst. Cheating is literally one person choosing to actively betray the person that loves them the most, trust them, and is committed to them if they don’t see what the problem is with that they are messed up beyond repair.
The jaffa and his sister did your wrong canceling your virility when it was him all along hus family are bottom feeders for there support you need to take him and them for every penny you can house savings his pension pot everything get tested for stds because he’s been screwing a skank
Send them all a group message, “Your dysfunctional family, couldn’t stand for him to break the cycle of fucking up every relationship that you have been in. I bet you’re super happy, now that he’s joined your ranks as a cheater with a failed relationship. Congratulations to you all. Karma will make you die lonely.”
NTA- They all deserve nothing, and they are mad because you see how trashy and morally defunct they are. I hope you get the life you deserve, and have tried to build for so long.
Have no mercy
NTA, you were betrayed by some of the closest people to you, tell them to hit the bricks and go for everything he’s got in the divorce
If his family bothers you again, tell his parents that they’ve miserably failed at raising both their children
Why are most of these AITA questions so obviously NTA?? Why the fuck would you for one second entertain the thought you were the asshole in this situation OP??
So many people ask shit like AITA because I broke up with my bf for beating me up and sending me to the hospital??
AITA for ending my friendship with my BFF because she was having an affair with my husband and got pregnant before I did??
Like come on!! How and why would anyone feel like an asshole in these situations??
Don’t think this is a real story, any nornal family would side with op here, not attack her
OP your in-laws never liked you. They probably think you’re the reason why you cannot get pregnant. It’s best you found out the truth now so you can move on with your life, meet a nice loyal guy and start having children with him. Best of luck to you 🤞🏼🍀
In no way would you ever be TA in this situation. I’m so sorry you’re going through this but on to bigger and better things and a happier life WITHOUT him and his shitty family.
Updateme