I’m a 23F stay-at-home mom with two daughters. One is 18 months old, the other is barely 1.5 months. My fiancé (Dan, 32M) works full-time and pays the bills. I handle everything else — the kids, the house, the logistics, the messes, the emotions, the mental load, all of it, 24/7, no breaks.
Yesterday Dan had a tubing trip with his coworkers. It was a work-sponsored thing set up by his bosses. Families weren’t allowed to join until after 2:30 PM. So while he was floating down a river, drinking, smoking, laughing with his coworkers, I was at home alone juggling a toddler and a newborn. That’s not me being dramatic. That’s literally what was happening.
Feeding one kid while the other tried to jump off the couch. Baby screaming. Toddler refusing to nap. I was breastfeeding, cleaning, changing diapers, fielding tantrums, stepping over toys, forgetting if I’d eaten. Just the usual.
Dan had intended for the beach trip to be a nice time for us — he wanted me to be happy and tried to make it that way. He came to pick us up once families were finally allowed, but by then, everything was over. Everyone had left. We had no food, no snacks for the baby, just 2 bottles of water.
But none of that’s what really pissed me off. We did have fun. I got to run around with our oldest while she chased ducks yelling “quack quack quack”. It was nice. But it was still alot of work for me, between packing and getting the girls and myself ready.
On the way home, I asked him, “When do I get a turn?” Not in a snarky way. Not as an attack. I just asked. When do I get a full day to myself, to go be social, be outside, breathe, exist without a kid attached to my body or someone screaming at me about crackers? When do I get to reset?
And he got defensive. “It was a work thing. I didn’t plan it.”
Cool. But that’s not the point.
The point is, he gets breaks. He gets to tap out. He gets to have fun, be with adults, eat food someone else made. I haven’t had that since I got pregnant with our first. I don’t even get to shit in peace. I shower with an audience. I breastfeed while trying to make the toddler a snack with one hand. I get spit-up in my hair and crushed goldfish in my bra and I never get a turn.
So I said, “I could go get a job tomorrow. I could work an 8-hour shift. Could you handle both girls by yourself for that long?” And he hesitated. He changed the subject.
Because the truth is, he knows how hard my job is.
He just doesn’t want to admit that it’s exhausting, all-consuming, and that I deserve the same respect and rest he does.
And that’s the part that hurts. I’m not mad he had fun. I’m mad that when I asked for help, for recognition, for fairness, he didn’t say “You’re right” or “You deserve that too.” He just got defensive. Like I was being dramatic. Like I was just trying to make him feel bad.
From his side, he might feel like he’s working his ass off to keep us afloat. Full-time job, bills paid, roof over our heads. Maybe he sees that tubing trip as a “work event” and not something he even had control over. It was something he had to do to maintain good standing with his bosses. Maybe he even felt a little guilty about it and hoped bringing us later would help, even if the timing sucked.
He might feel like he’s doing everything he can, and hearing me say, “You got to relax and I didn’t,” sounds like I’m downplaying his stress. Maybe he thought I was picking a fight on a rare good day. Maybe he was afraid I was trying to make him feel bad for something that wasn’t even his idea.
And if I’m being brutally honest with myself, maybe I’m not always great at expressing my burnout until it explodes. Maybe I let the resentment fester and then drop it all at once in a way that’s too sharp, and he gets defensive because he feels like no matter what he does, it’s never enough.
So yeah. I might be the asshole, a little bit, for expecting him to read my mind or for bringing it up when he was just trying to unwind. I might be the asshole for dumping it all on him on his one “easy” day. Or maybe it’s just that we’re both fried and don’t know how to be fair to each other right now.
So… AITA? Or are we just both drowning and yelling from opposite ends of the same sinking boat?
Comments
You’re both overwhelmed. Open communication is key; he needs to see your struggles.
Updateme
No your not the asshole
Esh- yes he can’t read your mind but he should give you the honesty of actually having those hard conversations and trying to deal with it instead of covering it up and glossing over. But you need to clearly say what you want and what you need.
ignoring this too long has caused massive problems for mothers for years, you have a newborn, you need him to step up and grow up and you both need to actually talk to eachother like adults.
You grew an entire human and he needs to give you a break .
NTA, but you really need to have a serious talk.
He needs to share the load when he gets home from work and on weekends. You’re not taking it easy during his work hours. You’re working 9-5 as well, he just isn’t around to see it. You just happen to keep working even after 5pm hits. He’s being lazy if he thinks he can clock out once his work day is over. That’s not what parenting is.
He can go back to relaxing after work when the kids are old enough for school so that you can have your time off during the day and he can have his time off in the evenings. He should still be sharing the load on weekends.
Oh, sweet angel. No judgement call here, just my utmost sympathy and support for you. That hurt my heart to read. You do deserve a “turn”, and he should recognize when he gets his — even if it’s technically a work engagement. All of those “maybe” statements seem like your way of ensuring that you were the one who was inevitably in the wrong. What would it feel like to believe that you were right? What if you asked him “hey, you have all of these opportunities to ground yourself as an individual beyond the family? you get to spend time away from tired, hungry, lovely, but gnawing babies? can you confidently parent your own children for a couple days without texting me every few hours?”
You asked your partner some valid questions. I hope you get honest answers
NTA, but more context is needed. Is he generally a helpful husband? The post makes it seem like he is a deadbeat who only works and never helps with the kids. If that’s the case, big issues up ahead. Just because you are a stay at home mom doesn’t mean you need to be in charge of the home and kids 24/7. Be careful this doesn’t turn into a “well I make the money and pay for your whole lifestyle.” Again not saying it’ll get there, but the post reeks of it leaning that way
YTA – Who told you to get pregnant twice? Did the workload not dawn on you after the 1st?
Should you get a day off, yes. Does he work full-time , yes. Was he at work event until 230, yes. Did he pick you and the kids up after, yes.
Either tell him that it’s time for a serious talk and sit down and have that hard conversation. Start it off by saying look there’s no judgment here. I don’t wanna fight and I want us to have a calm discussion or you need marriage counseling. This is not working for you. All of this resent Aunt is just gonna keep building if he ignores us. If you keep letting it go and putting it off, you’re gonna end up hating him. Sometimes mothers end up hating their kids because they can’t get away from them. I’m not saying you would. I’m just saying it happens.
I wish you the best of luck, baby girl. 💙
Updateme
NTA and I do want to point out that you would have at least 50% more free time if you guys coparented instead
As someone who had a kid with someone and broke up, and has also been married and had a divorce my advice, is 1. Give both yourself and him grace. Both of you are probably shouldering more than you did before you had a kid so it can feel like to you that the other is slacking and your carrying more burden, but realistically does he work more and still help at home? Did his work load also go up? I don’t think you’re wrong at all to want a day for yourself I think you absolutely deserve it and I’d hope if you approach him in a not charged time and just be real with him but not from a frustrated reaction, that he would totally understand me be happy to help. He should, because you both need things like that. You can’t pour from na empty cup. 2. Make sure to make time for each other and be an actual couple that are lovers. I’m noticing this shift in dating where people more focus on the “partnership” aspect and worry whether the responsibilities and benefits are spilt evenly and sometimes forget that a happy relationship you need to also be making time to still be connected in a loving way. Not only debating the delegation of roles and finances. You’re kids will be better off having a sitter watch them sometimes than to be spilt between seperate households because you didn’t make time for each other and drifted apart. 3. We sometimes will approach things from frustration and maybe with an energy that isn’t productive in the moment. That doesn’t mean the problem is now invalid. Try to approach it again but not as a reaction to a current stimulus. If you approach it curtly when he had his fun day it may seem like he can’t enjoy those days be breed his own resentment. What you’re asking isn’t wrong at all, and if he has already had multiple days it’s a bit inconsiderate that you’d have to ask and argue for your own turn, he should be offering. But sometimes when people are overwhelmed they’re self focused because they’re having trouble dealing with what they feel inside so they don’t even worry about things outside of themselves. It doesn’t make it ok but it does happen.
My verdict NTA at all. You deserve days to relax also. And so does he. You should also make a point to get away sometimes and go be a couple and keep those sparks alive. I would just ask him if you can talk about a few solutions to some issues at a certain time, but not as a tit for tat in a moment of frustration. He should be able to be fine with that. And if framed as how can you two solve a problem together he should be able to be productive with solutions. That’s not unreasonable. But remember the same way his actions upset you, when you approach things aggressively that will affect him also. That’s why I’d say to have the discussion in a time where the frustration isn’t current, so you will both have a more calm energy for the talk. Having a kid or kids is hard, you will both be shouldering extra and still probably not able to handle it all on your own. That doesn’t mean the other person isn’t carrying their weight there is just more weight now. I hope you guys figure it out, I’m always rooting for people to make it.
I think your first mistake was given meaning to a relationship who didn’t commit to you, I don’t hear you saying that you’re married. He figures if you’re free and easy you’ll give him babies. He doesn’t need to make a commitment to you. All that being said, you can’t change the past. I think you’ve signed up for being a mommy and baby slave. Sort of the NTA and sort of an NTA. Need to talk to your spouse and find out if he’s even interested in marrying you if not, then you need to pack your bags and takeoff. Go find someone who love loves and respects you. But you may have to learn to love and respect yourself first , sorry for your situation.
You’re both fried. Unless you’re one of the lucky ones that got kids that know what night time sleep is, neither one of you have slept through the night in almost 2 years. You’re both exhausted and cranky. You both do a lot to make sure it all works.
Does he ever give you time by yourself, even if its just an hour after he gets home from work? How is he with splitting chores when he isnt at work? How about splitting childcare when hes home? If he isn’t helping out here, tell him you need some help. You’re mentally overwhelmed and drowning. Saying you need help doesnt make you any less of a Rockstar supermom.
But it also sounds like you two have communication issues. If work has him stressed out but he doesnt say it, thats no different than you being at the snapping point with little ones and not telling him.
When you get the kids to sleep, sit him down. Tell him you love him. I want you to know what I’ve been going through, but I also want to know what you go through. We are a team. Let’s get through this together. And then figure out how you can help each other get through the next few years. They’ll still drive you insane but the sleep is more frequent
NTA
“He came to pick us up once families were finally allowed, but by then, everything was over. Everyone had left. We had no food, no snacks for the baby, just 2 bottles of water.”
This ISN’T adding up to me. They have a family event, but it’s not there when you get there? Are you sure this event is what he said it was? Why would all the food be gone, and all the people be gone by the time you get there? Also, do you not have a car to drive?
You and Dan need to make an arrangement that you have one evening off for a few hours each week. You need time to meet up with friends or family and be a woman.
Parenting is a 24/7 job. That means mom and dad. When he gets home, he gets to co-parent with you. Feeding, bathing, putting kids to bed, tidying up the house before you have downtime together. He can split some meals with you as well. If you don’t get down time until they go to bed, then he doesn’t get downtime either. You both have been working.
I know this gets said a lot on Reddit, but I’m feeling it here. You have a large age gap, and it sounds like he picked a younger woman to live HIS trad life. The thing is – we don’t live in a traditional world any more. He got you pregnant with 2 kids. It sounds like he’s groomed you to do everything. You don’t have a job that pays. It sounds like you don’t even have a car. He doesn’t give you downtime to spend with family, friends, etc. The whole work thing with family time doesn’t sit well with me because you didn’t get to see any other wives/mothers/kids – that’s fishy to me.
NTA
Being a parent is a 24/7 job. It’s even harder with really little ones as you simply don’t get a break. Being a parent, particularly a mother, is completely unappreciated and undervalued by society. Particularly western society.
Working in full time job meanwhile, once you’ve knocked off for the day you get time to yourself.
I’ve been childless, been a stay at home parent full time, worked part time and parented part time and worked full time and parented outside of work hours.
Without fail, the hardest was parenting full time. It was exhausting. I couldn’t even shower most times without having a toddler/baby in the room to keep an eye on. My husband was travelling a lot for work at this point so that’s why I was doing it entirely solo for weeks at a time.
It’s nice your husband gets to unwind sometimes but do you ever get to unwind? It sounds like you don’t. And it sounds like you’re not great at advocating for yourself and your wellbeing. You need to work on advocating for yourself.
I recommend you start carving out non negotiable time for yourself where you get to go out for an hour or two at first and do something for yourself. Go to the gym, go for a walk, meet a friend etc. your husband stays at home and cares for the kids on a day he’s not working obviously. I’d give him a list of things that need doing too so you’re not cleaning up a mess just to get some time for yourself.
Gradually increase the time you get.
If he’s not understanding that YES, you need some time off too then I can only suggest marriage therapy.
Tomorrow morning you need to schedule yourself a spa day. Go get a massage. Get your nails done. Maybe get your hair done too. Just take the time. Let him know you will be gone. End of conversation. Then look for a job. 23, two kids, and no income???? GET A JOB! I don’t care if you have enough money or whatever. You need to have adult time. So GET A JOB even if it is part time. Plus…a job can help your family invest or save for college and it gives you something for retirement. It also gives you some independence and security if something happens. If he can’t watch the kids while at work, then put them in daycare for a couple of days a week. I guarantee they will be fine.
So the job you can find tomorrow is it gonna pay the rent, bills, everything that he does cause if so then you can find a hob and hire a nanny…
NTA… when my husband and I went through this and he said something silly… I told him the correct answer is…. you deserve it too…
It’s something we jist had to discuss over the years us drowning, kids were little and sometimes we both were drowning and we found it hard to connect… those early years honestly feel precarious…its just a matter of connecting….and talking…always talking even though he hates it , I at 1 point , made myself hug him and greet him at the door…it was something we did a lot for each other in our 1st years , than we got busy, so I went back to it and it helped…silly thoug it was and we don’t still do it because now we have multiple generations here in my home so we sneak out like teenagers when we can….
My point is , it takes effort… not 50-50… its 100/100, and not every day is equal but if you love each other and work for it you’ll get there… just remember… this is a season, you’ll fuzzily miss it….just be kind to each other
NTA. I feel like i could have written this.
I’m going to be honest, leaving age gaps to one side etc, I think when you have kids this young there’s resentment. It can become the pain olympics of who has it tougher. Hands down the mother in my view. He will never quite understand how tough it is for you because even those days he’ll have the kids by himself, they’ll be behaving extra well and he’s found it no problem to keep on top of the housework too. But he doesn’t get the grind of the days and nights.
So what I’m saying is brace yourself, with children this young, breastfeeding, being home all day and he at work, it’s never going to be even and it’s going to be tough. It won’t always be like this though and communicate and arrange to start doing things for yourself by yourself again, because at this point you’ll be one touched out – who am I human.
I might sound like a judgemental asshole but you had two kids back to back with someone you’re not even married to??? Also, please please please get a job as soon as your newborn grows a bit older. Hire a nanny and raise funds for yourself. I won’t say anything negative about your relationship with your fiancé but trust me you’ll need your financial independence at some point. Also, NTA.
The way that you phrased it seemed a little passive aggressive.. I’m a big fan of just being honest and straightforward. I would say “hey, on Saturday, I’m gonna go out with some friends. Do you have any plans? If so, we need to get a babysitter. But I think it would be great if you spent some time with the kids. They would love that.”
NTA
Go get a job and you two split daycare costs
Hey. You are both the ass hole. And, neither of you are. You got an infant, a toddler and enough stress for the both of you to go crazy.
Honest, it doesn’t matter who’s the AH. Or, not. What matters is you two need to remember you love each other enough to bring these two kids into the world. I think you know it is totally worth the effort. But, holy shit, it’s definitely not easy. What helps?
Communication.
And, lucky for you, you just wrote a terrifically worded post telling the world how you are feeling, explaining how used up you feel, how stressful that is, how it grows resentment and then you even cut Dan some slack. You show some grace under fire. You understand that your fiancé, the father of your children, is feeling some form of all that too. That’s actually so sweet in a strange way.
And, you told the whole wide world all that. Did you share all that with Dan? Because that’s the only person who really, really needs to hear this.
Please share this with your fiancé. Hopefully Dan can come to see you need your day, too. Of course you need more than one damn day, but one would be terrific, right? I think he’ll hear you. He’ll do fine for 8 hours.
I’m a dad, mine’s 27 now and the best thing that ever happened in my life. Take a breath as best you can. Everyone who has had kids can relate.
And, Dan? Cherish those 8 hours and all the ones to follow. They are worth so much more than the hours you put into them.
Good luck, OP! Go team!
ESH. Y’all need to have an honest sit down. All cards on the table. Communicate.
NTAH: Thousands and thousands of SAHM/D’s everywhere can relate to this. But I promise you that if you don’t develop a clear, kind and respectful way to listen to each other and prioritize both of your needs NOW, it will never change. It doesn’t have to be this way.
You have done an excellent job explaining yourself in this post, and it seems clear that you want to respect your partner’s needs as well. Find a time to sit down together when you are not frustrated or exhausted and have a long talk.
If you need some help getting started and therapy isn’t something you want to consider at this point, I recommend checking out the content of Jimmy Knowles, aka “Jimmy on Relationships”. Watch some of the clips that are relevant with your fiancé. I was a SAHM to 3 kids. They are all now young adults and my husband passed away years ago, but I have seen many of this guy’s videos and I wish I had discovered them a long time ago.
I wish you all the best.
I’m 66, and I had five kids. One year my husband asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day. I told him that I wanted him to take those damn kids and let me have an entire day for myself. He was absolutely shocked, but to his credit he did what I asked. It was absolutely wonderful. I love my family, but sometimes you just need your own time. I would also like to say that I would do it all over again in a heartbeat!
Edit to add NTA
NTA and you both may also be stressed out. You need to have this conversation now before the stress gets worse and you both start saying things you may regret. One thought is not to emphasize how much work or effort each of you is doing but to talk about equal need for downtime and leisure. Every person needs some time to relax. You both will be happier and healthier if you get some relaxing time for yourself. Be calm but insist that you both schedule some time. And then do it. Maybe it doesn’t start with a full day right now but each of you can hold down the fort while the other takes a few hours a week.
If you can’t have this conversation in a respectful manner, if he gets defensive or calls you dramatic, then maybe it is time for couples counseling.
NTA, but things need to change. When my kids were that little, the second my husband got home from work, he took over. He would watch the kids while I finished making dinner, we’d eat together, and then I’d go for a long bath while he watched the kids. He also did a TON of the housework. He always said that my job was the kids while he was working, the house was both our jobs, and he’s happy to spend time with the kids while I rest. Your partner isn’t being a partner. Working a job isn’t enough. Him working 40 hours while you work 24/7 isn’t fair.
What is wrong with all these US posts . It seems to be that the country has slipped into third world status. Where you all have to procreate from 16. -18 . Don’t you have access to contraception , further and higher education and jobs for women?
Seems you all act like some pilgrim fathers / quakers where equality is out the window.
Look to Europe and Japan, where women can get a life , education, financial independence, emancipation , travel. Then at 30 have children with some savings, a house and money to pay for childcare.
USA is such a backward country, no better attitudes to women than Pakistan or Somalia.
My daughter has 4 kids, from a raging hormonal 16yo, 13yo recently diagnosed with autism, bounce-off-the-walls 6yo and unexpected 3mo baby. Oh and a dog. My son in law works abroad 4 weeks out and 4 weeks home. When he’s home, he picks up the load from her so she can breathe. Gets up in the night with the baby. Does the housework. Yeah sometimes he’s just that little bit man oblivious but he recognises what she does when he’s not around. It sounds like your fiancé doesn’t really see that. So ask him to take the kids for a few hours on his day off, so you can have some time to yourself. And tell him that this is the minimum he should be doing for his own children. I promise it does get easier, but right now you are definitely NTA.
NTA.
OP, it may be a stupid question but why don’t you let him read your post? If you don’t want to tell him, copy paste the text and put it in your notes.
I re-read your post twice, and you articulate very well what you feel, but also how your husband may feel. It’s really compassionnate and well written. You are drowning. And you get the feeling he is drowning too.
So, instead of exploding, again, why don’t you let him read this. Your concerns and exhaustion are valid, and you could show him this way without screaming or crying how you really feel. But you’d show him too the compassion and love you feel for him.
And he could take the time to read and not have to react immediatly and let your words sink in, as he apparently does not want to react immediatly to your question about having a break. Maybe he feels he wouldn’t be able to handle the kids the way you do? Maybe he doesn’t even want to?
This could be the start of a good conversation, even written, and it sems that a conversation is needed soon. You’re spread to thin, you’ll have nothing to give to your own children shortly if this goes on.
And if after that, it seems that the problem is that your husband does not want to take part of your household this way, then you have another bigger problem but at ,east you’ll know it, and will be able to work on it, hopefully together.
Good luck!
Esh- it was a work thing, and he probably had to be on his best behaviour to try to impress his boss. U made it sound like he had a night out with the lads. Did he even drink that much if he came and picked u up after? I assume he wasn’t drink driving. Also, they were only gone to till 2.30pm, not that long. I get that ur burnt out, but u just took it out on him for having half a day doing a work thing, I am sure it is not something he would have picked to do on a day off from the kids.
He didn’t respond great as well. He could have been more understanding, but maybe he was tired or felt like he was getting attacked for nothing. He could have done better there.
U both need some time away from the kids alone and together. U also need to try to communicate better with each other and not wait until u exploded.
NTA. have you considered going to the gym as soon as your ob/gyn allows it? ask them if they would officially recommend it in your situation, so your hubby has to help you.
this would really help you, getting your body in shape, and strengthening your muscles for the toddler who gains weight fast. it’s quite a lot if you have a 2.5yo and a 1yo to juggle simultaneously. Do something for your back now and help your pelvis to heal from giving birth.
You could just go twice a week as soon as hubby returns from work. and he can see how it works out with two kids.
This would mean a small break for you and husband would be forced to actually parent to get used to it so he can give you a whole day off as soon as your baby starts eating.
Oh young lady…I have no great words of wisdom for you…
But I want you to know that I’m wishing the best for you ❤️
Being 32yo myself I still cannot comprehend why someone would look for a woman that young unless they have other motives.
That aside – NTA but you are one to yourself. You are essentially a single mother with 3 babys, one being a huge AH manbaby. Why you stay is beyond me, unless you are emotionally or financially depending on him. Either way I honestly think what majority here suggest like “have a talk” and “just make a schedule” won’t be cutting it, especially considering comments where you said he rarely parents his own children or does chores in his own home and if so he’ll complain the whole time. I honestly think you need professional help one way or another, either to safe your mental health or to get out….
Plan something for yourself and tell him that you’ve planned it, and he’s got the time in between to prepare to be a father and look after the children. If he opposes, ask him if he always planned to treat you as a bang maid. If he still changes the subject, tell him that you’re looking to return to work in a few months so you and he will need to split the children’s care and chores evenly, and that its non negotiable.
Oh my dear. You’re NTA but you have to talk to your husband about getting some proper time to yourself. It should be equal. You both have full time jobs, you should both get equal time off.
I think it would do him a lot of good to spend a full day at home by himself with the kids, walk a mile in your shoes. Make sure you give him some tasks to do – it’s not just about getting through the day with him and the kids still alive.
It’s amazing to me that no one has factored in the age difference into this.
And how he’s isolating her and controlling her.
NTA there’s a reason older men seek out younger women and knock them up. It keeps them dependent on them. Once your infant is old enough for daycare. You need to get a job and start working on your exit strategy. I don’t see him ever becoming a hands on parent or you “getting your turn”.
NTA, you’d have your turn if you got divorced from this loser
Your mistake was asking “when will it be my turn?”
Don’t ask, tell. Take the initiative. Plan some time off, some outing or event for yourself on an evening or weekend when you know he’ll be off work, and tell him. Then go do it. Do it once a week. You have to take care of yourself because no one else will do it for you.
Honestly – he works full time, fine. You can work full time on your current job – raising your kids – while he’s at work.
Once he’s home it should be split between you. And yes you should both have time off.
They’re his kids too so he should be able to watch them while you take a nice quiet shower. How hard is it to watch them a couple hours while you go shopping at target. You’re not asking him to take them all day every day so a talk definitely needs to be had.
At 5pm do you get to clock out like he does? No, you don’t. And I’m betting you still pull more effort than him when he’s home from work. People need to remember that SAHMs need to reset. If anything for the sake of your children, take care of Mama. You can’t pour from an empty cup.
You’re the one who decided to have two babies barely a year apart. That was a dumb thing to do.
I still remember a short conversation with my ex from 30 odd years ago.
Me on a Friday night with a 1 month old:
I can’t wait to have a long shower on the weekend.
Him: don’t think I’m babysitting all weekend, it’s my time off work .
Well, I can tell you from vast personal experience that this will absolutely not get better with time. He won’t wake up one day and suddenly “get it.” You’ll never find the magic words to say to him that makes him realize how much work you do.
It’s not that you’re doomed to divorce. I made it almost 19 years like that. I’m sure other couples have made it longer. But if you want him to check, it’s now or never. And he needs to be at least the tiniest bit willing to listen.
Just know that the way he is now is as good as he’ll get without a LOT of growth on his part. You have to decide if he’s capable of it and if you’re willing to live like this if he’s not.