Long story short, I(21F) and my husband(24M) both work full time jobs. I work upwards of 80-120 hours a week while he works 40hrs.
Anyways, over the last two weeks I’ve worked every single day save 2 days total that I’ve had off. Needless to say, I’m exhausted. My husband had been begging me to go out and after a few hours of it I finally said yes.
We went to this arcade we typically visit once or twice a week prior to my schedule getting busier. They have prefilled cards and his was running low so I told him to put another hour on it. He kinda gave me a weird look but I shrugged it off.
I ended up checking my bank account at some point for no real reason. We were pretty broke recently because he didn’t have a job for the last 4 months so I had been paying all the expenses. I developed a habit of checking. There I saw that he had charged it on my card.
Look, 8 usually don’t care about him using my card. Genuinely I don’t. But the fact that I’m exhausted and wanted to sleep and relax and you kept bothering me relentlessly until I agreed to go out JUST for you to expect me to pay for it all is ridiculous. YOU wanted to go out. Not me. But my money was spent?? Ugh, I’m angry and frankly feel disgusted. I don’t know if I’m over reacting or something but it just really hurt. I’m trying not to cry.
CLARIFICATION:
1. I’m an ER Nurse/Active Duty Army. I don’t choose my hours or days off.
2. He didn’t have a job from May-beginning of September.
3. Yes typically I pay for everything but he said “let me take you out babe, you’ve been working hard this week and deserve to have some fun.” So I thought that meant he was going to take me out/pay for it.
To everyone saying I’m probably just exhausted, I agree. Normally this doesn’t bother me too much as he only recently started working again so I understand he doesn’t have much. But I think the stress of paying all the bills not knowing when I’ll get paid again due to the government shut down and working so many hours has me emotionally drained and lashing out. I definitely owe him an apology. But I also feel to some degree I’m not entirely in the wrong. I hope this clarified things!
Comments
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Long story short, I(21F) and my husband(24M) both work full time jobs. I work upwards of 80-120 hours a week while he works 40hrs.
Anyways, over the last two weeks I’ve worked every single day save 2 days total that I’ve had off. Needless to say, I’m exhausted. My husband had been begging me to go out and after a few hours of it I finally said yes.
We went to this arcade we typically visit once or twice a week prior to my schedule getting busier. They have prefilled cards and his was running low so I told him to put another hour on it. He kinda gave me a weird look but I shrugged it off.
I ended up checking my bank account at some point for no real reason. We were pretty broke recently because he didn’t have a job for the last 4 months so I had been paying all the expenses. I developed a habit of checking. There I saw that he had charged it on my card.
Look, 8 usually don’t care about him using my card. Genuinely I don’t. But the fact that I’m exhausted and wanted to sleep and relax and you kept bothering me relentlessly until I agreed to go out JUST for you to expect me to pay for it all is ridiculous. YOU wanted to go out. Not me. But my money was spent?? Ugh, I’m angry and frankly feel disgusted. I don’t know if I’m over reacting or something but it just really hurt. I’m trying not to cry.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Gentle YTA because he did something that you stated you don’t usually mind him doing, so unless you told him not to spend “your” money and he did anyway, it sounds like you’re just being cranky. Which is understandable given how much you’re working. Take a step back, ask yourself if you think he did something wrong, and if he didn’t, try to find a way to let it go. I’m sure he misses you because you’re working so much, and you’ll learn over time that even when spouses are kind of annoying in their neediness, life is easier if you appreciate your spouse wanting to be around you. And if you genuinely do not want to go out, stand your ground rather than resenting him for something you agreed to do. If you’re still having trouble with what happened, talk to him about it… calmly. Girl, give yourself a break when you can. I hope you get a day off soon.
Yta. Sounds like you hold resentment for him not working the last 4 months. You’re married. You’re supposed to support each other. Good and bad without penny pinching and tallying who paid what. It’s a partnership.
That’s entirely fair to be disgruntled about and that should be a serious talk when your in a better mood. You really have to balance the line of being firm without being angry. Just take a breath relax it’s not that bad just take this moment to discuss boundaries and your feelings. Maybe he was just trying to get you out because it would do you some good. Just hear him out if you don’t like what he has to say step back sleep on it and then continue
If you are married, it’s all joint money, so YTA
I stopped reading after the first sentence. You work 120 hours a week? Yeah right
It’s unclear-you say that he works 40 hours a week, then that he hasn’t worked for four months.
Which is it?
If you pool your money in the same account, then you telling him to add more is an endorsement of using your pooled funds. Is that right?
You resent his not working snd your working excessively. Then get your rest, set some boundaries and be straight with him.
Please provide more context to understand better this scenario.
If my partner told me to put not money on the card, I could easily imagine myself assuming they were offering to pay for it. Like if I were at restaurant and my date said “go ahead and get dessert.” It would implied (to my mind) that they were offering.
I think you felt like he only wanted to go out so you’d pay not because he wanted to go with you. NAH but you two need to talk before resentment builds and it’s too late.
This man is using you. That’s the beginning of financial abuse. Lock down your credit before he starts to take our credit cards in your name. And consider – what exactly does he do for you? Are you also doing all the housework and managing the finances while you work 2x as hard? What is he bringing to the marriage vs you and would you be better off without him?
NTA. You’re not overreacting. You work way more hours and he pushed you to go out, then made you pay for it that’s selfish. You deserve rest and appreciation, not more stress.
YTA because why is it just your money and your card when you’re married?? That seems like something to get mad about if you were dating.
I think you are very tired and overreacted. NTA
Very very soft YTA, I think you’re overreacting and exhausted, and if my partner told me to go put another hour on my card and also has never had an issue with me using their debit card, I’d assume they meant to pay for it, especially if they have more money than me and I already paid for my original gaming chips.
Might just be a miscommunication. Since you were the one who told him to put another hour on it, he might have assumed you were offering.
You married a grifter. Let him loose. The longer you’re married, the worst the alimony will be.
NTA he likely misses you a ton and is bored at home so he wanted to do something fun. I do think its a bit AH for him to harass you to go out when youre exhausted. I don’t think it’s really about him spending the money. He bugged you to go out until you said yes. You’re overworked and cranky. Rightfully so.
He needs to understand that you going out is a huge sacrifice. You could have spent that time resting, relaxing or even catching up on things you need to do. You agreed not because you wanted to go out, but to make him happy and stop him from bothering you.
I suggest you let him know just how run down you feel, that him harassing you made you feel guilty ontop of all that stress. Remind him that you’d likely be willing to do more if you didnt work so much. He has time to waste, you do not. I also think you need a break ASAP. I know its easier said than done. But even if you can somehow take a half day off to rest, it would likely do a world of good.
Just make sure you communicate everything with your husband. He’s only seeing his perspective of him not seeing you, likely some loneliness, and wanting to go out with you because youre always gone. Explain that your working. Youre not just gone to be gone. You sacrifice all of your free time and some rest time for work and the little he does see you. If hes a good guy, he’ll be more aware of your feelings in the future, if not, might be time to see how you even benefit from this relationship. It cannot be all give and him take.
The thing is… you’re married. The law says it’s both of your money. It doesn’t matter if it’s your account or his.
If you don’t want him touching your money then make sure he doesn’t have access to your account. But if this is what is triggering to you then you might want to consider not being with him.
It sounds like you have some issues with him not keeping steady employment.
Nta – i would also be annoyed, why did you bother working those extra days? To play games when you’re already exhausted?
120 hours a week??
When I was your age, I too dated a guy who was like this. We both still lived at home and worked full time. He spent his paycheck as soon as he got it. I tried to save mine. One time we were arguing and he wanted to go to this restaurant to make it up to me. After we ate, he made me pay for it because he didn’t have money. I would’ve been fine going for cheap fast food, but he wanted to dine at a nicer restaurant. I gave him 3mo to save $1k – should be easy, working full time, living at home, not a lot of bills to pay…. Nope. Couldn’t do it. So, I let him loose.
I’m sorry you married your loser, but it’s not too late! You’re still young! Get rid of him and live a much more fulfilling life!
You’re married. Finances generally are combined.
120 hours is ridiculous. Can you find another job???
NTA. Every couple does their money differently, if you keep it separate, that’s ok. it’s also ok that you paid the bills when he was out of work, that’s marriage. If he invited you out to have some fun, he should not have made you pay for it. Perhaps he did it without much thought because he was out of work for so long or perhaps he wants to keep you paying for everything while he earns and pays for nothing. Don’t really know what he was thinking, but maybe you should ask him why he used your money instead of his.
I’m sure your exhaustion played a part in your reaction. But your NTA for being mad. I would have been too.
NTA
Been married for 38 years and have never once taken as much as a dollar from my wife without her telling me to. Same goes for her with me.
Since the beginning her finances are hers. Mine are mine. We didn’t even know each other’s salaries. We had a joint account if money needed to move from one to the other.
It’s never been a boundary we ever discussed, but we never broke it either.