My baby is 8 weeks old. My partner and I have been very clear with family that no one is to kiss our baby – especially because of germs, RSV risk, and the fact that my partner’s mum is a heavy smoker.
Over the weekend, we were at a family gathering and my partner’s mum kissed our baby on the forehead. My partner had already told her not to kiss the baby. He was too shocked in the moment to say anything, but he immediately wiped our baby down with wet wipes and took her away. We ended up leaving the venue soon after.
I’m upset because it feels like a clear boundary was crossed. She’s a smoker, she works in a clinic (so she’s exposed to germs), and we’ve made this rule to protect our baby – not to be difficult.
For context: my partner’s mum has a lot of personal struggles. She drinks a lot, has mental health issues, and has been toxic toward my partner since he was young. He and I usually walk on eggshells around her because she’s fragile. My partner said he will bring it up with her, but it’s hard to deal with since she reacts poorly to confrontation.
Now I feel like I don’t want her kissing or maybe even holding the baby at all until she can respect boundaries. But part of me wonders if I’m overreacting, since it was “just once.”
AITA for being upset and considering limiting contact because of this?
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My baby is 8 weeks old. My partner and I have been very clear with family that no one is to kiss our baby – especially because of germs, RSV risk, and the fact that my partner’s mum is a heavy smoker.
Over the weekend, we were at a family gathering and my partner’s mum kissed our baby on the forehead. My partner had already told her not to kiss the baby. He was too shocked in the moment to say anything, but he immediately wiped our baby down with wet wipes and took her away. We ended up leaving the venue soon after.
I’m upset because it feels like a clear boundary was crossed. She’s a smoker, she works in a clinic (so she’s exposed to germs), and we’ve made this rule to protect our baby – not to be difficult.
For context: my partner’s mum has a lot of personal struggles. She drinks a lot, has mental health issues, and has been toxic toward my partner since he was young. He and I usually walk on eggshells around her because she’s fragile. My partner said he will bring it up with her, but it’s hard to deal with since she reacts poorly to confrontation.
Now I feel like I don’t want her kissing or maybe even holding the baby at all until she can respect boundaries. But part of me wonders if I’m overreacting, since it was “just once.”
AITA for being upset and considering limiting contact because of this?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Walking away from the venue, I didn’t really say goodbye to her. It was her first time committing the “crime”
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Nta nothing should come before prioritising your babies health 🙌🏻
NTA.
Your baby is presumably the most precious thing in the world to you and someone broke your trust when it came to that most precious thing. That’s going to be hard to rebuild, even if it was a ‘just once’ thing.
Most sensible people know not to kiss someone else’s baby on/around the face. The fact she was explicitly told and did it anyway is evidence that she isn’t very sensible and doesn’t respect your boundaries.
I’m saying NTA. You set a boundary and it was not followed.
No different to asking her not smoke around the baby etc
Nah, NTA. No one really needs to kiss this kid except the parents. MIL should know better if she works at a medical clinic, and was expressly asked not to into the bargain and did it anyway. She could be incubating anything.
NTA. Protect your baby every time, mom. Every. Single. Time.
NTA because you set the boundary and it was crossed.
NTA. “If you can’t do as we say regarding our child, you will not be able to visit/hold (etc.) him/her.”
Nta. Your baby, your boundaries. I’m glad your partner is on your side with this
So she doesn’t get to hold your baby anymore, simple.
She’s not that fragile or she wouldn’t be working in a clinic. She just figured there was nothing you would do about it.
NTA
NTA, but I’m going to say this as nice as I possibly can. If you think kiss germs are going to cause a problem just wait till that baby starts moving😂
NTA
It wasn’t “just once”… She overstepped and she will do it again. Might just be best to step back from a relationship with her at al. Your partner could probably use professional help to understand that her behaviour isn’t a reflection of him and he doesn’t have to put up with how she treats him.
NTA, its cold and flu season and nobody wants to end up in the ER with a sick infant. Even if you didnt have to go to the ER a sick baby would be a nightmare. You have a simple boundary to protect your baby’s health. This boundary is legitimate even without the added context of you MIL being a smoker and working in a clinic. Idk what it is about the older generations thinking they can do whatever they want or acting like they know better because they’ve “done this before.” Suvivorship bias is a big deal
NTA
But damn let the fear go and let that baby eat some dirt.
NTA, your baby your rules. And it isn’t “just the one time” its “just the first time.” She’s testing boundaries, dont let her push them.
NTA This happens all the time with newborns and boundary crossing by relatives (especially of an older generation). Make and stick to your decisions based on what you feel is in the best interest of your child, and don’t sweat the short-term family drama that may result. They’ll get over it.
OP, I say this as a MIL and grandma: she will not stop ignoring boundaries. We all make decisions about what kind of grandparents and in-laws we will be. Yours does not respect you two as adults and parents in your own right. Stand firm now – not later when you cannot stand it any more. Your SO must take the lead here insisting that she acknowledge him as an adult and respecting boundaries or she will not have access to his family. Speak the truth in love and let her choose her actions from there. You’ve got this!
NTA
My cousin ended up in NICU for two entire months because our narcassist grandma felt entitled to kiss him when first meeting him, even though she was sick.
He almost died.
Be paranoid.
You are his mother and are allowed to be nasty to ANYONE who puts your baby in danger because they are careless. If someone doesn’t respect your boundaries with your own baby, then you need to rethink having them in your baby’s life going forward. Raising a kid if fucking hard, and it’s even harder when your so-called support system doesn’t respect you and your wishes.
If you and your partner are too worried to talk to her because she is fragile, then don’t let her around the baby at ALL until you feel it’s fine for her to kiss and cuddle him.
ESH.
It’s possible that she just thought she wasn’t allowed to kiss the baby on the lips and that the forehead would be fine since she’s less likely to transmit germs that way… And frankly, since she’s been a mother, she might have just done it reflexively without thinking; babies are just so kissable!
All that being said, it sounds like you just don’t like her very much, which is valid if she is as toxic as you say she is, and like you would like an excuse to put more distance between her and your baby. Which is 100% your right to do as a parent.
A few people have kissed my baby and then immediately freaked out and realised what they’d done. It can be very hard to remember when they are so cute and loved. Unless there are malicious words and actions associated, i would be inclined to assume the best and that it was a mistake, give her a stern warning not to do it again, and monitor baby whenever with grandma.
@updateme
NTA.
Next time you see her “Hi MIL! You can say hi and be near the baby but because you kissed her last time you’re not allowed to hold her today. I am serious about this rule and I’m putting my foot down about it now so you understand how serious I am about it. If you can control yourself this time you can hold her next time. But if we continue being disrespected and you RISK my baby’s health, you will not be welcome around her until she is fully vaccinated.”
NTA. You set a boundary, she trampled all over it.
I doubt she wil follow any boundary you set in the future.
Keep your child safe. That should be the one and only priority. You could give her one more chance, if she does it again, you know it’s not a one off but a patern.
NTA
but just a tip.
it pays to be a little more cautious on how you navigate this. Within six months, this really won’t matter any more. Your baby will be strong and healthy. And will inevitably get all the colds and illnesses. Don’t let this destroy any relationship you have with her because you’re going to need her later on. My mother-in-law was a smoker as well and I had the same worries. I chose to be very careful on how I navigated that conversation to maintain a good relationship with her. They are just as excited as you are. Try not hurt her because she could end up like my mother-in-law, a huge part of my children’s lives and a good friend of mine. I’m not even with her son any more. Haha
You’re NTA there are literally babies infected by herpes because the adults couldn’t resist themselves kissing them
I took my son away from my Mil she disrespected my boundaries and she didn’t see him until she realized what she did was wrong by kissing him and not handing him over when I told her to. He was just a couple weeks old she apologized almost immediately. Then she had crossed the line again by not handing him over when I asked and berating me that I should give him formula so she could feed him. I took my son away and told her that’s the last time she was ever going to see him. My son is now a year and I haven’t let her see him. Your boundaries are important! If she doesn’t respect them it’s time to cut ties.
If she doesn’t listen then she doesn’t go near the baby. The baby’s health comes way before her being “fragile”. If she puts up a fuss then she doesn’t see the baby at all.
You don’t know if she has herpes. If she kisses the baby on the lips ..
Enforce boundaries!!!
i have read this one way to many times already. i feel babies should evolve to shock grandmas if they kiss them.seriously. 400v straight in the teeths. NTA
Nope. And don’t back down on your boundaries. Because if you do, she will steam roll you with every limit you try to set.
This is YOUR child. Not hers.
And I think she shouldn’t be left alone with the child if she can’t respect the parents.
NTA, I can’t tell you the amount of times I’ve instinctively gone to kiss my baby niece, and had to swerve away! Babies are incredibly kissable, but we don’t do it, because we love them and want to keep them safe.
If she did it by accident and then profusely apologised, I’d say No AH. But it doesn’t sound like that was the case.
Do not let his mother near your child until they are older. I would skip out on the holidays this year to be honest. After Covid, people bought into this natural immunity bs and show up places sick as if spreading diseases is a great idea I am sorry this puts a damper on things but as a parent. Your number one priority is protecting your child. Look up Videos of children with RSV and measles to harden your resolve. NTA
NTA. Babies die from this kind of stuff. Something as simple as a cold from someone who is asymptomatic can kill a baby this young. Her refusal to obey simple instructions now will only get worse if you don’t enforce consequences. Today, it’s kissing the baby. Next year, it’s giving foods that can be choking and allergy risks.
NTA. Being “fragile” is an excellent way to avoid consequences because everyone is too scared to call you out on your behaviour.
Also, it has happened only once. Once so far. She will continue to do this, as long as there are no consequences, because she doesn’t care about your rules. So don’t let that factor into your decision.
NTA you’re the parents you get to set the boundaries, regardless of how ridiculous they may be.
one time is all it takes for a baby to catch something that could kill them. NTA whatsoever, protect your baby!
Are you me?!
I have a very similar MIL (smoker/drinker, mental health issues, toxic to my husband as a child, can’t obey a boundary) and she also kissed my newborn after being explicitly told not to. My daughter was 5 weeks old, hadn’t been vaccinated yet and we told our whole family no kisses.
MIL came over high on weed gummies and kissed my baby repeatedly on the hands, feet and forehead in rapid succession. I used to let her walk all over me, but as a new mum I stood by my boundaries and told her not to kiss my kid and that she was making me uncomfortable.
MIL went on a tirade at me, accused me of being a bad parent for denying my child love (?) and that I was going to ruin her by being a helicopter parent. She left the house and then came back a minute later to go on an anti vax tirade.
My daughter is 2 now and I still haven’t forgiven my MIL. I’m low-contact but polite was I see her. She never properly apologised, and is playing victim that I don’t visit her often (husband takes my daughter over, I just don’t participate).
I guess my point is that you need to stick to your boundaries otherwise you’ll be walked all over by someone who was evidently not a great parent.
You’re 100% NTA, don’t doubt yourself for a moment.
🤷🏼♀️ I swear the whole “don’t kiss the baby” thing has only been something I’ve been hearing about in the last few years. I’m fairly certain that most people over the course of human history have kissed babies!
Annoying that she specifically said not to do one particular thing. Let your partner bring it up with her so it is clear what will happen if she breaks your rules again.
It doesn’t sound like you all have a very healthy dynamic anyway so maybe keep hold of the baby in future. But bear in mind th baby will encounter germs eventually and that is a normal, healthy part of life.
NTA, you set the rules and not kissing baby is a common rule for very good reasons. Don’t feel bad about holding your boundary – MIL is no longer allowed to hold or get near the baby to give her an opportunity to violate the boundary again. This isn’t an arbitrary rule to feel bad about upholding, it’s to protect your baby’s health during a very vulnerable time.