I (30f) am engaged to a guy named Jack (29m). Jack loves to go to a specific bar for his birthday. This bar has private rooms that are mandatory to book for parties. The bars website says it will be a cover charge of about $20-$30/person. We went there tonight for Jacks birthday party thinking the group was large enough (10 people) to qualify for the $20 deal. When I got the check, it was actually slightly above $44/person who attended; equaling to $400 total JUST FOR THE ROOM. This does not include the food nor any drinks for him. When driving home, I asked Jack if he had fun. We bantered a little then I jokingly said that I’m glad he had a blast because this might be the last time we go to this bar as it’s above my price range. I told him the total after he asked. I thought this would be a nothing conversation since he is very keen on being cheap; and since his birthday is in October, we can find plenty of fun things to do that are much cheaper. Jack is now level 10 upset with me – saying I don’t sacrifice enough in our relationship. More background info in the comments.
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I (30f) am engaged to a guy named Jack (29m). Jack loves to go to a specific bar for his birthday. This bar has private rooms that are mandatory to book for parties. The bars website says it will be a cover charge of about $20-$30/person. We went there tonight for Jacks birthday party thinking the group was large enough (10 people) to qualify for the $20 deal. When I got the check, it was actually slightly above $44/person who attended; equaling to $400 total JUST FOR THE ROOM. This does not include the food nor any drinks for him. When driving home, I asked Jack if he had fun. We bantered a little then I jokingly said that I’m glad he had a blast because this might be the last time we go to this bar as it’s above my price range. I told him the total after he asked. I thought this would be a nothing conversation since he is very keen on being cheap; and since his birthday is in October, we can find plenty of fun things to do that are much cheaper. Jack is now level 10 upset with me – saying I don’t sacrifice enough in our relationship. More background info in the comments.
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Background: we are currently planning two weddings: one elopement style and one big wedding with everyone we love. I am also AWFUL at planning parties. I don’t have friends so I don’t plan parties. This month, I had extra cash to spend on my wedding dress which ended up being about $1200. This was at a 50% discount. Originally, we were planning on having me spend $500, but I absolutely fell in love with the dress and couldn’t walk away. This caused extreme stress in our relationship. Jack is now saying that if I hadn’t spent my money on my dress that I would have the extra money to be able to pay $500 on his party. My concern is that the extra money was not planned – I had accidentally paid my mortgage twice in one month, so we decided not to pay this month to get Jack 100% debt free. With the left over income I bought my dress. This was a one time grand purchase. $500/year for a birthday party seems extreme to me. So, AITA?
Oop! I misspoke! So sorry about that. There were 9 people. Not 10 🤦🏻♀️
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I told Jack the night of his bday party that we won’t be doing that again because the check was $500 and it wasn’t in my price range.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
May the force be with you.
NAH.
You may just have different financial priorities. To him 500$ for a birthday may be totally worth it, while for you it may seem wasteful.
Bringing it up on the drive home was insensitive though. You put a negative end to an otherwise positive experience. The conversation could definitely have waited for another time. It doesn’t seem like you did it intentionally, so I don’t think it pushes you in asshole territory though.
ESH? You’re obviously right about the whole thing and his reaction is dumb, but it seems a bit odd to not wait a bit before bringing it up. Having the person who threw you a birthday celebration complain about the price, while you’re literally driving home from it, would make anyone feel shitty.
NTA your fiance is an entitled little birthday boy. i would never EXPECT my partner to foot the bill for something like that. also why don’t you have friends. that is concerning to me.
I’m going with NTA. Whether $500 is too much is very subjective and personal to people’s financial situations.
You both need to sit down and talk about finances in detail. This is a good communication skill to work on before marriage.
YTA. It’s his birthday and you went out of your way to make him feel bad about the money you spent.
If he demands hundreds of dollars spent on him for his bday every year and gets irate if it doesn’t happen, that’s one thing. But I’m guessing you’ve never spent this much on his birthday before, or you would have mentioned it. Additionally, it sounds like you both expected it to be cheaper than it was, but sometimes shit happens.
NTA. Potentially a controversial take but I know a lot of ‘cheap’ people that love it when they get money spent on them and this reminds me of one of them. He’s measuring the importance of getting his yearly birthday celebration the way he likes it (expensive and free) with the importance of your wedding dress being the one you want and he’s finding his own needs to be more important.
NTA – Jack is a big boy and he needs to organise and pay for his own birthday party in the future.
Yes
Dinner at a fancy place with the wife is easily 200+. Booking a trampoline park for 10 kids on my kid’s birthday is like 600, so it sounds fairly in line with what’s expected if it’s 500+ for a bigger party. Sure, it’s a lot of money and with a present it’s easily 1000+ for a ”normal” celebration. Having said that, I think it’s perfectly acceptable to celebrate someone for 50 or 100 if expectations are discussed and synced with the household budget.
ESH.
I would be really hurt if my partner planned a party for me and then moan about the cost the way you did. You should have done your research properly and if it was out of your price range, find another location.
His reaction is also childish.
Honestly you’re both clearly not on the same page regarding finances, already fighting over non-issue and can’t seem to communicate like adults – are you sure you want to get married?
NAH…but you might want to look into your communication style. Yes, it might have been too much to spend but you spent it…and then made your partner feel like shit for it. Imagine he says the same thing about your engagement ring or anything else he’s ever bought for you. How would you feel? Have a word with yourself.
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YTA you spent $500 for one night a birthday party that he enjoyed, at a place he enjoyed. Then you bring up the cost of the evening. It was his birthday you could’ve just held on to it until a better time (not his birthday)
Now you spent $700 over budget on your wedding dress you went and spent more than you both had agreed on. Your complaining about spending $500 for one night yet you went over budget on a dress that is for one night. Birthdays and weddings are both special occasions, both are milestones, both are symbolic and meaningful.
You both need to sit down and have a chat about finances and expectations.
I will admit my husband Is my favorite person, the person I’m supposed to spend the rest of my life with so I always try to make birthdays special. His recent bday was a stay at home and order take out I still spent over $600 on his bday gift $475 takeout $85 cake $45 $10 balloons and $7 card from the kids.
What I do is I save a little each month for bdays, so I can save and it does not hit me hard.
YTA You should ask for prices in this bar upfront and not assume things. Why bashing out on your fiancé when it was you who failed to plan and execute in budget you were comfortable with.
WTF is this. As a guy I really don’t give a crap about my birthday. Is he an only child or something?
NTA
You don’t sacrifice enough MONEY for his bday. What does he buy for you?
ESH. Who on earth tells people how much they paid for a gift and then complains about it to the recipient?! You didn’t do enough research and got bit in the ass for it. That’s on you and not for him to hear about.
On his side, who cares how you spend your money as long as bills etc are covered? And how are you not sacrificing enough?
I think you guys need to work out how to communicate before you get married.
INFO when you communicated with the bar about booking a private room for parties, did the price not come up at all? If budgeting is a big concern for you, why didn’t you ask how much the cover charge wound be?
N AH for believing that $500/ year is a lot to spend on a birthday (assuming he also doesn’t spend as much on yours), but YTA for the way you brought it up
You should have researched this place better before you booked it.
And you didn’t have to spoil it by commenting on the amount afterward.
YTA. What you did is tacky and hurtful
I believe the root issue here is not how much it cost to rent a room for your partner‘s birthday, but the fact that the two of you cannot communicate and we’re not on the same page. If you have this kind of a problem over a single birthday dinner, then I think both of you need to spend a great deal more time dating or hang it up right now. Because in a year or two, Tammy Wynette is gonna rise from her grave and singing D-I-V-O-R-C-E.
NTA. Your partner believing you aren’t “sacrificing” enough in your relationship makes him TA. Relationships sometimes require sacrifice, but not the financial kind he seems to think you owe him.
YTA. You had to bitch about the cost on the drive home from the party? Really? That discussion couldn’t wait until the morning?
If you’re getting married, presumably next year your finances will be combined and that five hundred bucks will come out of shared funds. If you’re otherwise financially comfortable that’s just not a lot of money to spend once a year to have a good time with friends. Being frugal most of the time is what lets you set aside funds to celebrate or hell it up. If he’s a guy worth marrying, don’t spoil any more of his birthdays. If he’s not worth marrying, then make that decision now.
YTA
ESH.
Especially if you didn’t discuss the price of your dress before you bought it.
INFO you assumed you qualified for this discount that would have made room cost end up being half the price. Was Jack aware of this and assumed this would be the cost before hand? Clearly you were surprised with the actual cost. You picked a bar time to mention this (on way home at end of his day putting a downer on it) could your time half unconsciously been off due to the surprise. You may have made him feel bad and guilty for your booking misunderstanding.
Did you bring up the cost confusion with the bar? Why was the cost not confirmed before hand? Even if not paid in full or a deposit why did you not have the cost clarified? This seems odd for a room hire.
YTA. You sound cheap and it seems like you don’t appreciate your partner.
You could have talked to him about it later and maybe skipped a date night or cut down on your groceries if your budget is that tight but you decided to dress him down on his birthday when he should have been enjoying himself.
INFO – was it agreed that you would pay the cost of the party? Who made the booking?
$500 for a birthday celebration? Yes please! The bill for my spouse’s birthday dinner came to more than that and there were only 10 of us, though to be fair, I only paid for half of that and their/our friends chipped in for the rest. I wouldn’t dream of discussing the full price with them though. I can either afford to do it or I can’t. If I can’t afford it then I don’t do it. If I can then I do.
I feel like his reaction was a little much though I can also kind of see his point. It was fine for you to go $700 over budget for something you wanted. Sort of thinking that you both suck but I’ll vote YTA here as I’m thinking you suck way more than he does in this situation. You’re more than in your right to tell him that you won’t be shelling out that much again but saying that’s the last time you both go to that bar is going a bit far. On his birthday what you want to do is not really the primary concern and this is something that, according to you, he does for his birthday regularly. I’d say you either get on board or rethink marriage.
Info:
if it was 20-30/person, why did they charge you $44/person?
why didn’t you ask beforehand what the charge would be for 10 people?
how can $400 for 10 people be “slightly above $44/person”? $400 divided by 10 is exactly $40/person.
if he is so keen on you “sacrificing”, what does he sacrifice for you?
You don’t owe him Jack.
YTA. Revealing and whining about the cost on the way home was just tacky and unnecessary.
He asks about the dollar value on his party and then says you don’t make enough of a sacrifice. Good Lord
childish af.
After the whole wedding dress comment, you are x2 YTA
I get that you might not wanna do it again but probably I would have waited till the next birthday to see can we do something else or save the money for what he wants because you love him? That said, this is a deeper rooted problem. It’s ok for you to “accidentally pay your mortgage twice” and go way over budget on YOUR dress. You also miscalculated or didn’t ask the right questions about the room rental. So you can’t manage money nor communicate but you can sure put him on blast right after the party that YOU planned and that YOU got blindsided about. I wouldn’t worry about next birthday. You guys probably won’t make it and u don’t think you should. He rightfully feels that it’s only ok for you to go overboard as that’s how you’ve portrayed it. You make a lot more $$ than him? Is that an issue?
He is TA. It’s his birthday fine but he did nothing. Take his mother to the place.