For context: I (m53) am suffering from chronical clusterheadaches since my 15th. I am on permanent medicine to avoid about 60% of these horrible attacks (side effect is a unregular heartbeat due to it not being specifically for my condition but it was found to help a lot through other researches) and on very heavy painkilling medication in case the attack does come.
I never called in sick, when I had an attack at work I would get to switch with a colleague. This illness has cost me relationships, jobs, even houses and also a lot of pain and mental issues that increased with every setback. I have been to dark places but my daughter (23) is what kept me going.
Recenlty I found out that my GF (48) is using that same illness as an excuse not to drive friends to the airport, or visit (boring) relatives. Or anything she doesnt want to
I have never done that. Quite the opposite I hardst ever mentioned it. Only when I have a cluster with 6 or 7 attacks per 24 hours that usually lasts for about 2,5 months. Then I would cancel.
We had a huge fight over it because it kind of feels like an insult.
The situation now is that we sort of broke up and she only wants to give it another try if I was to apologize for getting angry (I have a very relaxed temper and I never shouted or anything)
I told her that I wouldnt do that but guess what, I somehow feel like an asshole cause in the end it didnt affect me personally I just felt it was very wrong.
So AITA?
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For context: I (m53) am suffering from chronical clusterheadaches since my 15th. I am on permanent medicine to avoid about 60% of these horrible attacks (side effect is a unregular heartbeat due to it not being specifically for my condition but it was found to help a lot through other researches) and on very heavy painkilling medication in case the attack does come.
I never called in sick, when I had an attack at work I would get to switch with a colleague. This illness has cost me relationships, jobs, even houses and also a lot of pain and mental issues that increased with every setback. I have been to dark places but my daughter (23) is what kept me going.
Recenlty I found out that my GF (48) is using that same illness as an excuse not to drive friends to the airport, or visit (boring) relatives. Or anything she doesnt want to
I have never done that. Quite the opposite I hardst ever mentioned it. Only when I have a cluster with 6 or 7 attacks per 24 hours that usually lasts for about 2,5 months. Then I would cancel.
We had a huge fight over it because it kind of feels like an insult.
The situation now is that we sort of broke up and she only wants to give it another try if I was to apologize for getting angry (I have a very relaxed temper and I never shouted or anything)
I told her that I wouldnt do that but guess what, I somehow feel like an asshole cause in the end it didnt affect me personally I just felt it was very wrong.
So AITA?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA
I have chronic migraines from a previous head injury and I personally understand how debilitating they are, so I would feel odd if someone close to me, especially my partner, just piggybacked off how i feel to tell others they can’t do something.
But mainly, I’m not sure how communicating your feelings about her actions, if done healthily, is being an asshole. You didn’t give her an ultimatum, you didn’t call her an asshole (allegedly), you told her you felt insulted, that shouldn’t automatically lead to a break up and you aren’t an asshole for communicating how you feel. Even if she disagrees, which I don’t see why she needs to continue behavior you are saying hurts you.
Does she actually get the headaches? Or is she lying about getting them?
NTA.
Your partner claiming to have the serious illness that you have very much does effect you. It undermines your very really pain and struggle that you have with a debilitating condition. If nothing else, it’s absolutely disrespectful.
This is comparable to people claiming to have a food allergy when they simply don’t like a food. The trend of people choosing to eat gluten-free has caused a lot of people to claim they have a gluten allergy when they are simply making a dietary choice. There’s nothing wrong with that dietary choice, however food servers and other people being aware that so many people claiming this allergy are BS leads to a lack of care and caution that causes people with the allergy to inadvertently being fed their allergen.
I think the biggest issue here is that your ex is upset with you for communicating your feelings. You communicated them without hostility, yet she’s upset? You can’t be in a relationship where you’re not allowed to communicate when your partner has upset you. Biting your tongue and always having to pretend you’re happy is incredibly unhealthy.
NTA. When a woman approaches you dressed head to toe in red flags, RUN.
NTA. Like it would be one thing if you mentioned that she could ‘throw you under the bus’ to avoid situations she doesn’t want to do. I’ve seen couples do that to avoid going to like a party or something.
But she’s just lying and pretending to be a good person. Plus she’s making you feel guilty for telling her that you’re not ok with her using you and YOUR chronic health as an excuse?
You don’t even use it as an excuse and it’s your health and life.
This is such a bad character flaw and red flag city. She’s acting like some sort of martyr. I would stay broken up.
When you have a spell, does she actually help take care of you?
NTA. I have migraines, autoimmune disease, and hearing loss and most of the time it doesn’t affect me (well I mean it does but I dont use it as an excuse to do nothing ever). If someone I was with starting using my legitimate health issues like their own fake excuse I would be offended as well.
>She uses my headaches as an excuse like: Oh sorry, I would love to bring you to the airport but my BF has a terrible headache and I cant leave him alone! Which obviously eveybody understands and cheers for her being so thoughtful and I am not even having an attack
I think you should edit your post to clarify that she’s using your headaches as an excuse not to do stuff; not that she’s pretending to have headaches herself).
NTA. If she were staying home and helping you through a headache, of course that would be commendable. But she’s an asshole for pretending you were sick when you really weren’t just to get out of things she doesn’t want to do.
You have nothing to apologize for. As Maya Angelou said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them—the first time.”
NTA. She shouldn’t be using your disability (?) as an excuse. You have every right to be upset at her using you as the reason she “can’t” do things.
NTA while I personally wouldn’t have an issue with my partner using my migraines to get out of stuff, it’s entirely your prerogative. It’s your disability, not your gf’s or anyone else’s, you are the one who gets to decide whether or not you’re comfortable with it being used as an excuse. You have made it clear you aren’t, that should be the end of it.
From what you’ve told us, you have no reason to apologize.
NTA…. does she have no empathy?
NTA. To me she’s the ah because once you asked her not to do that she should have said okay and that should have been that
If it upsets you and it’s a dealbreaker, then NTA.
I on the other hand, who uses my partner and my dogs’ disabilities to get out of things partly because I don’t want to get into a whole ‘social battery’ conversation- am technically NAAH provided I go get him some sweets as payment. To be clear I’m exploiting my status as his carer rather than faking symptoms.