I 38f have been with my partner 40m 11 years. We both work. Him full time, me shift work. 2 kids under 6. Last year we went camping.
We were at the beach, partner, kids up ahead, I behind. My partner and son were ambling, but my daughter was headed for the water. I began running because I could see the waves were dumpers and current strong. I was focussed on getting to her and scooped her out in time. She was fine, we were fine, but my phone that had been in my hand was trashed. (If you ask where my partner was, he didn’t see it and joked, im a helicopter parent.) I bought a new phone. We tried to restore my account and were having problems with account retrieval. He tried to start the process on his phone. We did successfully restore my phone.
Well, tonight, I see my partner actually has my email account on his phone and has been receiving my emails all along. I got an email sometimes sitting next to him. His phone would ping, and he would read. I never picked up on it. Ive spoken to him before about communication, and him flicking off whatever he is doing as I go by, making sure his screen was turned away from me but im genuinely gobsmacked he never said hey I have your email and am trying to figure out how to log out.
Whenever I calmly and rationally bring up something he has done or why it is wrong he will immediately put it back on me, or turn it into a joke or say im over reacting, or need to calm down, or im crazy.
He doesn’t drink, I like to once kids are down and if not working, sit and read a book and drink wine. Whenever I bring up anything, which is not often, he will attack me on the fact I drink wine and deflect everything onto this point and deny blame, guilt, deflect.
If I try to speak to him I’ll be shh’d, or told he doesn’t want to talk to me.
I texted him how it was a violation of my privacy and rights and how wrong it was for him not to have my emails on his phone and not tell me, once.
He was defensive, saying he was trying to help me, and here I was messaging him drinking wine. Then took a photo of me messaging him and sent it to me and said enjoy your drinking ill come wake you up at 2.
Here’s where I might be an AH.
I told him that if all he can do is attack me when he has been caught doing the wrong thing, I will separate from him.
I reiterated that he had said nothing for months, and he knows how wrong that is, so if all he could do is say “oh your drinking” I don’t think we are going to stay together.
He wrote back saying you can have my phone and delete it and I replied it didn’t excuse his actions of reading my emails for months and not mentioning it once.
He said he was trying to delete it and for me to enjoy my wine and I said I don’t think this is working. Don’t speak to me outside of work or the kids. I’m disgusted you lack remorse or understanding of your actions.
Have I over reacted here? AITA?
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I 38f have been with my partner 40m 11 years. We both work. Him full time, me shift work. 2 kids under 6. Last year we went camping.
We were at the beach, partner, kids up ahead, I behind. My partner and son were ambling, but my daughter was headed for the water. I began running because I could see the waves were dumpers and current strong. I was focussed on getting to her and scooped her out in time. She was fine, we were fine, but my phone that had been in my hand was trashed. (If you ask where my partner was, he didn’t see it and joked, im a helicopter parent.) I bought a new phone. We tried to restore my account and were having problems with account retrieval. He tried to start the process on his phone. We did successfully restore my phone.
Well, tonight, I see my partner actually has my email account on his phone and has been receiving my emails all along. I got an email sometimes sitting next to him. His phone would ping, and he would read. I never picked up on it. Ive spoken to him before about communication, and him flicking off whatever he is doing as I go by, making sure his screen was turned away from me but im genuinely gobsmacked he never said hey I have your email and am trying to figure out how to log out.
Whenever I calmly and rationally bring up something he has done or why it is wrong he will immediately put it back on me, or turn it into a joke or say im over reacting, or need to calm down, or im crazy.
He doesn’t drink, I like to once kids are down and if not working, sit and read a book and drink wine. Whenever I bring up anything, which is not often, he will attack me on the fact I drink wine and deflect everything onto this point and deny blame, guilt, deflect.
If I try to speak to him I’ll be shh’d, or told he doesn’t want to talk to me.
I texted him how it was a violation of my privacy and rights and how wrong it was for him not to have my emails on his phone and not tell me, once.
He was defensive, saying he was trying to help me, and here I was messaging him drinking wine. Then took a photo of me messaging him and sent it to me and said enjoy your drinking ill come wake you up at 2.
Here’s where I might be an AH.
I told him that if all he can do is attack me when he has been caught doing the wrong thing, I will separate from him.
I reiterated that he had said nothing for months, and he knows how wrong that is, so if all he could do is say “oh your drinking” I don’t think we are going to stay together.
He wrote back saying you can have my phone and delete it and I replied it didn’t excuse his actions of reading my emails for months and not mentioning it once.
He said he was trying to delete it and for me to enjoy my wine and I said I don’t think this is working. Don’t speak to me outside of work or the kids. I’m disgusted you lack remorse or understanding of your actions.
Have I over reacted here? AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My partner is great at minimising or downplaying behaviour and makes me question whether my actions are valid for the situation.
Tonight I spoke to him about his actions. His minimisation and ability to deflect and lay blame on myself has me reaching out to AITA for the first time. I need outside perspective to see if this is normal or what other people think.. it can’t be normal to deflect blame and make a joke of something that is clearly wrong.
I need other people’s opinions.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Question: what’s the timeline on the phone restoration vs your discovery he had access? A year?
Based on your post, NTA. He was literally gaslighting you and telling you HOW TO FEEL a certain way. No one can tell you how to feel. That’s a red flag in and of itself but the fact that he has unbridled access to something you’ve explicitly said NO to? Nah. You did the right thing. Dude needs therapy and then MAYBE you hear him out because this leads nowhere good as of now.
NTA, you’ve described some pretty unacceptable behaviour. It’s not about the email alone. It’s the shushing and dismissivness, and attacks! You can’t be with someone if that’s how they treat your feelings and concerns.
I’m wishing you all the best of luck in your next chapter.
NTA. Bit of an asshole for the wall of text without using paragraphs. Maybe he struggled to remove it, fair enough. But reading your emails for months and saying nothing? Nah, that’s shady.
The real issue is how he deflects, shuts you down, and turns it on you. You didn’t overreact, you just had enough.
how do you want to resolve the email violation? Do you even want to resolve it?
>he will immediately put it back on me, or turn it into a joke or say im over reacting, or need to calm down, or im crazy
If I try to speak to him I’ll be shh’d, or told he doesn’t want to talk to me
Your husband is abusive.
Gaslighting, denying, deflecting, ignoring, and then all the myriad of controlling behaviors. He reads your emails so he knows what you are up to, who you are talking to, and where you may be going.
There are so many alarm bells going off with this guy.
>I told him that if all he can do is attack me when he has been caught doing the wrong thing, I will separate from him
I do think leaving an abusive relationship would be really important for you and your children.
NTA for speaking the truth
Maybe he feels you drinking alone at night, doing your own thing could be spent with him? He has a thing about drinking, more specifically, you drinking. I stopped drinking 3 yrs ago. I totally notice when I’m around family or friends who are drinking, even one, I can see it change them. I’m not judging or chastising anyone. I just notice, especially the way they talk. Reading your texts is an invasion of privacy & maybe trust. Change your password. 😊
NTA
This guy creeps on you by reading your emails then turns it around on you, and disrespects you if you ever pull him up on his crappy behaviour.
If the worst thing you ever do is have a glass of wine while you’re reading a book, you’re a bloody saint!
Ditch this loser, he isn’t going to become a nicer person.
And FFS change your email password.
I don’t think you’re the asshole. I do agree with others about the gaslighting. To be fair, though, it doesn’t matter how often you drink. The fact that you do bothers him. That, or, he’s just finding something to excuse his behavior, or both. You are obviously struggling to have a conversation with each other about serious things. I think you’re right to say what you did. If you love him, get some counseling. If not, life is TOO short to stay with someone you can’t talk to. Good luck!!
Here’s my thing: How can you trust him going forward? I mean, he guy lied to you for months, going behind your back to spy on you. OBVIOUSLY HE DOESN’T TRUST YOU!
So let me ask you something: If you don’t trust him – and he doesn’t trust you – How’s this relationship going to turn out in the long run?
ESH. Technology is great if you know how to use it. Almost all email have an option to see where your logged into and you can log out of any session you want to. Or if your email doesn’t have that option or you don’t know where to find it change the password, its the same thing.
Girl frankly I think you under reacted. What the actual fuck?
He’s probably getting everything. Sounds like your accounts are connected. We had this issue when my kid was younger. Wife was getting all texts and emails. You’ll have to log his phone off of the phone id.
Can anyone else spell GASLIGHT?
Classic gaslighting. Normally, I would tell you to run for the hills, but y’all have kids. Maybe look into some couples counseling.
This man is toxic manipulative and not a good partner. Leave. NTA. Please seriously leave now, before your daughter grows up and thinks this is an acceptable way for a man to treat her.