1.5 years ago my husband and I formed a small group for young adults at our church along where we took turns hosting with another couple. The small group consists of two married couples, two engaged couples, a mother and her toddler, and a few singles. 7 months ago I had my beautiful daughter, who has been present while hosting and attending small group. The couple we co host with started asking if we would want childcare a few weeks ago to minimize distractions. We expressed multiple times that we are not comfortable leaving her with a sitter yet and especially not for small group nights hosted in our own home. Some nights she’s more vocal than others, but she’s never crying or fussy just making baby sounds and playing. This week its their turn to host, and she put in the group text to let her know if we will be getting our own childcare or she will find a teen from the church to provide it at her house in a seperate room. I explained previously that everyone would definitely still hear her in the room next door, and that I doubt a teen girl my baby has never met would know how to keep her happy, so that would likely be counterproductive. The couple host is my best friend from college, and I’m shocked and confused on why she’s taking such an issue with my baby being at small group. The other mom daughter duo moved and only come occasionally, so this is pretty targeted toward me. I plan to step down and find a young families small group to attend with my daughter, but AITA here?
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1.5 years ago my husband and I formed a small group for young adults at our church along where we took turns hosting with another couple. The small group consists of two married couples, two engaged couples, a mother and her toddler, and a few singles. 7 months ago I had my beautiful daughter, who has been present while hosting and attending small group. The couple we co host with started asking if we would want childcare a few weeks ago to minimize distractions. We expressed multiple times that we are not comfortable leaving her with a sitter yet and especially not for small group nights hosted in our own home. Some nights she’s more vocal than others, but she’s never crying or fussy just making baby sounds and playing. This week its their turn to host, and she put in the group text to let her know if we will be getting our own childcare or she will find a teen from the church to provide it at her house in a seperate room. I explained previously that everyone would definitely still hear her in the room next door, and that I doubt a teen girl my baby has never met would know how to keep her happy, so that would likely be counterproductive. The couple host is my best friend from college, and I’m shocked and confused on why she’s taking such an issue with my baby being at small group. The other mom daughter duo moved and only come occasionally, so this is pretty targeted toward me. I plan to step down and find a young families small group to attend with my daughter, but AITA here?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action I took that my be judged is bringing my 7 month old baby to my young adults small group. This action may mean ITA because I didn’t technically ask if anyone was cool with it and continued to bring her after the cohost suggested we get childcare because the baby is disruptive.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA and I feel awful that you’re dealing with this in a church environment. It’s not her place to judge you or make you feel unwelcome. People should really just be glad that everyone attends. You don’t see pastors losing it when babies cry during their services do you?
YTA
Your daughter is ruining the group experience for everyone, and they have been trying to let you know that. You seem stubborn about addressing the issue. Not many people can enjoy themselves with a baby in the next room, when they don’t really feel comfortable with her presence in the first place.
You need to find a sitter if you want to continue seeing this friend’s group. Your daughter is NOT welcome there.
YTA. You may find your daughter’s noises to be cute and not distracting but that doesn’t mean that’s how everyone else feels. Likewise, I don’t think it’s unreasonable for a host to ask you find childcare for one night a week.
It’s fine if you’re not comfy with childcare yet, but it’s similarly fine for the co host to express they’re not comfortable with you bringing your child along every week
NAH you’re both being polite but you’re no longer compatible. Your primary focus is your child (understandably), and she/they find her distracting and would prefer to focus on the adults.
No-one’s really an asshole here. You go one week, dude stays home with kid. He goes next week, you stay home with kid… until something better comes up. Pretty easy.
Alternative is to build a new group! YEAH!@#! With kids… and… whatever else.
Also, (and this is a really super alternative…) you could just stay the fuck home and collect Pokemon 🙂
NAH and it’s probably not your baby making noises that they dislike, it’s your lack of ability to focus on being a present adult in the group. And possibly your daughter taking all of the group’s focus.
It is absolutely fine and normal for you and your husband to be fully focused on your baby. But I suspect these people didn’t form a group with the intent of hanging out with and talking about a baby every time they meet up. Frankly it can be annoying and exhausting.
This doesn’t mean you can’t be friends with child free people it just means you can’t take your kid to this particular activity for adults. You can bow out for now if you don’t want to leave your baby (understandable) or you can use it as a way to start getting used to being away from your baby or you and your husband can take turns hanging out with the group, as someone else said.
Don’t take it personally. In fact these folks are still your friends and want to spend time with YOU but you as a person and not you as a mom. And don’t shun this group because you think they need to accept you and your baby or nothing at all, because it’s good to have friends who are interested in you. I’d hope they still want to know about your life as a mom and see how you are doing and hear about your kid. But when you are with them, if the baby is there you are just not able to give them the same attention as they are giving you and that’s not fair. Friendship is a two way street.
NTA. It’s not unreasonable to want to bring a child as young as yours with you. Your friend is the one being unreasonable here, and the borderline asshole for being so insistent.
YTA. It’s an adult group, not a family group. I understand that you’re reluctant to let someone else watch your child but babies are pretty resilient and easily distracted.
YTA
While every parent thinks their newborn is the best thing since sliced bread, very few other people are inclined to agree.
NTA Is your ex friend trying to get pregnant and can’t? It’s a church group. Aren’t thet always encouraging women to get pregnant?
This generation of people really have intolerance for babies and young children. Is it really so distracting to hear a baby? That’s dramatic and ridiculous. You outgrew these immature and intolerant people. Move on.
YTA.
It’s a young adults group. Leave your kid at home with a sitter or don’t go. Those are your options.
Info. How is the group advertised? Young adult? Family? Combination? If young adult then kids don’t belong there and sorry you get YTA.
Take some time, talk to your husband and pray. Then it’s time to have a discussion with your co-leads and find out what’s going on. It’s possible that others in the group have expressed being uncomfortable with your daughter around to them and not to you. Honestly babies, as cute as they are, are distractions in groups. I say this as someone who has been in small groups for years and the one always reaching for the baby because I love kids and want to help the parents. But it’s still a distraction, even if an expectation of a family group.
Once you find out what’s going on, there is potential to redefine the group as an open or family group. It might also be time to move on since you’re in a different phase of life if the others don’t want a family group.
Kids in another room with a babysitter is a very well known part of small groups so the adults can actually have discussions and focus on a study and the experience. Yet they are nearby if something happens. I definitely did this as a teen in church.
There is a potential solution if you want to have it at your place every week and everyone is on board. I was in a group that the host had a baby. The baby would be there during dinner/fellowship but not once we began study time. They were in their bed and if baby woke up one of the parents would go tend to them and they took turns.