I’m so upset and I do not know if I’m in the wrong.
I’m 28 F. My father passed away of cancer back in 2018, when I was 20.
Last weekend, my mother re-married. I get along well enough with her new husband, he’s a cool guy in general, treats me and my mother well. He also has a 13 year old daughter from a previous relationship, as he’s been married and divorced his ex. They have a 50/50 custody split of their daughter.
During the wedding on Saturday, everyone had fun, I even shed some tears of joy for my mom. But Sunday, something shifted. My cousin asked if I am going to call my mom’s new husband dad. I obviously said no. I already had a dad and was a fully grown woman by the time he came into my mother’s life.
After that comment, my mother and her sister pulled me aside, and started yelling at me to stop bringing up my father in front of her new husband because… he’s jealous? Of a dead man? His ex is alive and they see each other every other weekend to pass the kid but he’s jealous of a dead man? I basically told them to get off me. That I do not do it deliberately but my father had been my father for 20 years and naturally I bring him up sometimes in passing. Especially to my younger cousin who was only 7 when my dad passed away and barely remembers him.
My aunt went into a whole tangent how “my dad was important to me but is not important to anybody else anymore and I should let go and move on instead of talking about him because everyone else is.” That, in turn, made me cry and I didn’t speak to either of them for the rest of the day.
AITA for bringing up my dad sometimes? Is it reasonable of my mother’s husband to be jealous of a literal corpse..?
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I’m so upset and I do not know if I’m in the wrong.
I’m 28 F. My father passed away of cancer back in 2018, when I was 20.
Last weekend, my mother re-married. I get along well enough with her new husband, he’s a cool guy in general, treats me and my mother well. He also has a 13 year old daughter from a previous relationship, as he’s been married and divorced his ex. They have a 50/50 custody split of their daughter.
During the wedding on Saturday, everyone had fun, I even shed some tears of joy for my mom. But Sunday, something shifted. My cousin asked if I am going to call my mom’s new husband dad. I obviously said no. I already had a dad and was a fully grown woman by the time he came into my mother’s life.
After that comment, my mother and her sister pulled me aside, and started yelling at me to stop bringing up my father in front of her new husband because… he’s jealous? Of a dead man? His ex is alive and they see each other every other weekend to pass the kid but he’s jealous of a dead man? I basically told them to get off me. That I do not do it deliberately but my father had been my father for 20 years and naturally I bring him up sometimes in passing. Especially to my younger cousin who was only 7 when my dad passed away and barely remembers him.
My aunt went into a whole tangent how “my dad was important to me but is not important to anybody else anymore and I should let go and move on instead of talking about him because everyone else is.” That, in turn, made me cry and I didn’t speak to either of them for the rest of the day.
AITA for bringing up my dad sometimes? Is it reasonable of my mother’s husband to be jealous of a literal corpse..?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I talked about my father who passed away in front of my mother’s new husband a day after their wedding
(2) His feelings were hurt and my mother yelled at me for upsetting her husband and bringing up my dead father
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. Your dad mattered, and it’s okay to talk about him. Grief doesn’t have a time limit, and your feelings deserve respect.
NTA. This is straight up despicable behaviour from your mother and aunt. No one gets to tell you to stop talking about your father, ever. Are you sure this is actually coming from the new husband? Or is it just coming from your mother? Regardless, it’s disgusting to try and make you shut up, and even moreso to say no one cares about your father. If your mother ever loved your father, she’d never allow that to be said. I wouldn’t be able to look my mother in the eye again if I were in your position.
NTA
Your dad is your dad, and nothing can take that away from you, even death. Your mom’s new husband being jealous of a man who passed says enough about him that no more is needed, but on top of that, your aunt’s comment about your dad not being important to anyone else anymore is awful, and I’m sorry she said that.
NTA What the actual F? This is crazy and anyone saying you should forget your dad because he’s dead is loony. I am curious what your “stepfather” has to say about this, if he dies does he want his child to forget about him?
Your father is not a taboo topic. NTA
NTA. You did absolutely nothing wrong.
If you’re 28, your mother must be at least 45 and is probably in her fifties. I.e., she should be far too mature to be insecure about the new man in her life.
Let’s be clear. Your father existed. He is no threat to your mother’s new relationship (!). It is absolutely shocking that they told you not to mention him. You are 100% the normal one in this situation.
I wish I could provide a link but have to run to an appointment… Google “Dear Prudence” “Emily Yoffe” and maybe terms like “photo” “first wife”. Emily Yoffe is an advice columnist who writes for Slate magazine. She wrote a column about this exact issue a few years ago that really stood out to me for its graciousness. She has since written about it a few other times so I hope the columns will be easy to find.
Emily Yoffe is the second wife of a widower. She admits to having felt a little jealousy at first but quickly came to her senses and started being OK with hearing the first wife talked about and her memory respected. Because your mother and her sister are being so immature about this and they’re probably your closest family members, I think you should check in with Emily Yoffe’s columns because they may help you to organize your thoughts and realize your expectation to remember your father to other family members is totally normal and healthy. Good luck.
NTA – Did your mom marry that man with the understanding that he would be YOUR DAD and you would never mention your dad?
I hope you don’t live there and live on your own. You should ask mom for the pictures before they are destroyed.
NTA. It was a convo that blown out of proportion. Feelings will be high for a while. Weddings and all don’t always bring out the best in people either
NTA by far! You’re never going to replace your dad so don’t bother listening to them! I honestly hate the audacity stepparents have, believing they can just replace the parents of children regardless of whether they remember them or they are still ALIVE for that matter! Cut them off! You’re a grown woman who doesn’t need that kind of toxicity!
Your father’s memory is inside you, as long as you continue to love and remember him, he’ll always be alive in your heart.
Damn. Mom and aunt, especially aunt, are TAs.
If your aunt says something like that again tell her you’re never going to stop keeping the memory of your dad alive. However, to make her happy, you promise that after she dies you’ll make sure to move on and act like she never existed.
The thing is though OP, you didn’t bring it up, your cousin did and you merely responded to their question. If you had stonewalled them, I’m sure she’d have shouted at you for disrespecting your cousin.
You are a grown woman and they are delusional if they expected a different stance, but whatever happens, YNTA!
Don’t get me wrong, there were two AHs in this scenario, but you weren’t either…