So I (25F) have been vegan for about 3 years now. My family knows this and while they don’t always get it, they’ve mostly been respectful.
Last weekend, my uncle hosted a big family BBQ. I asked ahead of time if there would be any vegan options. He kind of laughed it off and said, “There’ll be salad.”
Not wanting to make a fuss, I brought my own prepped vegan burger and some sides. I even brought enough to share in case anyone wanted to try it. I didn’t ask anyone to cook it for me I grilled it myself on a clean bit of the BBQ an didn’t touch any of the meat.
Aparently this was extremely offensive.
Later that night, my aunt told me that I had Embarrassed my uncle by acting like his food wasn’t good enough. She said it was rude to bring my own food and made it seem like I was to good for everyone else’s cooking.
I told her I just didn’t want to be left out and was trying to be polite about it. I even tried to offer people some of what I brought. But now several family members are giving me the cold shoulder and saying I was being dramatic.
AITA for not just eating the salad and quietly going along with it?
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So I (25F) have been vegan for about 3 years now. My family knows this and while they don’t always get it, they’ve mostly been respectful.
Last weekend, my uncle hosted a big family BBQ. I asked ahead of time if there would be any vegan options. He kind of laughed it off and said, “There’ll be salad.”
Not wanting to make a fuss, I brought my own prepped vegan burger and some sides. I even brought enough to share in case anyone wanted to try it. I didn’t ask anyone to cook it for me I grilled it myself on a clean bit of the BBQ an didn’t touch any of the meat.
Aparently this was extremely offensive.
Later that night, my aunt told me that I had Embarrassed my uncle by acting like his food wasn’t good enough. She said it was rude to bring my own food and made it seem like I was to good for everyone else’s cooking.
I told her I just didn’t want to be left out and was trying to be polite about it. I even tried to offer people some of what I brought. But now several family members are giving me the cold shoulder and saying I was being dramatic.
AITA for not just eating the salad and quietly going along with it?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I brought a separate meat free meal to the bbq 2. It made my uncle feel like I was better than him or too good for his food
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Nta, that’s a reasonable accommodation but soft yta because from what you said it sounds like you didnt ask to use the grill amd just did it.
This is totally reasonable. You did well. I’ve done exactly this allergies. Your family are a bunch of assholes. NTA
NTA. People will shame you for the fact that they sucked as a host. The response is “well maybe next time he will act like the host he wants everyone to think he is”.
NTA
They presumably know you’re vegan, you didn’t ask them to make anything special for you and you brought something so you could eat bbq vegan style with everyone else. They need to chill out.
What’s really offensive is making guests feel unwelcome by only making foods they can’t or won’t eat. If I’m having people over, I make sure I know their dietary restrictions so I can be properly hospitable. Your aunt and uncle are rude.
NTA. They’re toxic if they view that as being dramatic. You morally do not partake in the harm or exploitation of animals. It should be respected and treated similarly to an allergy which some people actually have to meat, btw. You took care of yourself, so you could be included unlike your family that apparently does not take your dietary restriction seriously. If anything, they’re the assholes.
NTA!
I don’t eat seafood but I do when I’m a guest in someone’s home. Kind of an AH move to being extra food for others when uncle is hosting. After he said there would be salad, I probably wouldn’t have eaten there. Maybe go for a while then leave and eat your vegan food at home.
Absolutely NTA! I’m frankly pretty shocked at how you were treated – after they have known you are vegan for three years?!? That’s just inexcusably disrespectful.
I’m a meat eater and see no problem with this, as you were respectful of other peoples views.
BTW don’t people cook things like potato’s anymore at BBQ’s or is that something we just do in the UK.
NTA…. you did the proper and polite thing. I wish More Vegans were like you!!! Also your uncle is a AH …. I attempt to accommodate all dietary needs when I entertain… if someone has a special diet and brings their own food… more power to them. (After all my vegan cooking skills may suck)
NTA, and I wouldn’t go to any future events that they host. It’s unbelievably rude to not accommodate a guest’s dietary needs AND THEN chastise them for bringing their own food. My guess is that they aren’t actually offended because you brought your own food – they are being hostile to you because you are vegan. Unfortunately that’s not an uncommon attitude.
NTA. It’s as if they are to stupid to even get what vegan is. I bet dollars to donuts if you had a vegan BBQ they’d lose their shit on your food. But they take you quietly bringing a vegan burger as an insult. SMH.
NTA. As a host I always try to make sure there are two dishes everyone can pick from. I welcome people to bring their own but I want them to have options. Your uncle and aunt did not do their role in including you as a guest then to try to shame you.. shame on them..
NTA there was no way for you to win here.
NTA. Especially considering it’s family they should be understanding that you may have certain dietary requirements.
And as ‘annoying’ as vegans can be for some people, even I would think a single salad wouldn’t be enough. Maybe you could have said you would bring some of your own food then. But even still you seemed to do it thoughtfully, bringing extra an dnot making a fuss over it.
They’re the host and should accommodate everyone.
If it was flipped and you were doing a vegan BBQ, would they be happy with that, or would they have wanted to have brought some meat?
NTA- that being said what did you bring to share? I’m looking for ideas when I host
NTA that’s so inconsiderate of THEM it’s not that your picky or don’t like their food it’s that your vegan and don’t eat the choices they had, you did everything right. I do see how their brains may have processed it in the way they don’t understand you don’t eat meat and think your being picky but that doesnt make it better in anyway, though if you do want a relationship with them maybe try to explain you see where their coming from then explain how being vegan isn’t being picky?
Nta. A good host makes everyone feel welcome.
You did the right thing
NTA – what were you supposed to do when you know there will be no food there that you can eat – salad is NOT a meal.
Your family are the AH though.
NTA. They wanted you to eat meat or go hungry politely. You politely brought your own food instead when it was clear they had no intentions of accommodating you.
You ruined their plans to be able to tease or make fun of you eating a sad salad or choking down a burger. You also made it clear that they are the kinds of AHs who treat their guests badly.
That’s what they’re upset about.
NTA. My family has everything from vegan, pescatarians, vegetarian to serious meat eaters. I always bring my own food and even have half the meat eaters preferring my vegan sausage stuffing at Thanksgiving. It’s a shame more people did not support you against this abusive behavior.
NTA
That’s ridiculous. Do you live in the deep south where BBQ is god? Otherwise, people these days are way more familiar with, and accommodating for vegans. I find it extremely hard to believe your family, who knows you’ve been vegan for years now, is giving you the cold shoulder. They are either extremely ignorant and/or immature or you are in some backwoods, small town rubbish place where I’m even surprised you could shop for a vegan burger.
NTA. I know they are family but, it seems that they do not take you seriously when you tell them you are vegan. They probably don’t even know what that means, or they don’t care. Either way, it is clear that they are unwilling to accept or learn about your life choice and do not respect it or you. You don’t have to accept this type of treatment and you might benefit from not participating in these type events in the future. They think it is inappropriate for you to be different from the other members of the family and take that as you being elitist or better than them.
You can’t expect to ever change their understanding of your choice so, I wouldn’t even try if I were you. They don’t want to understand and would likely see your efforts to inform them as offensive. By the response of the other family members, it seems that they are petty and have some crazy ideas about what type thing/actions to perceive as insulting. Reading your post makes me feel like those members of the family might not be terribly well educated or they are a bunch of assholes.
What a friggen baby your uncle is that made my stomach hurt. You did exactly what you’re supposed to do as someone with dietary restrictions. Your uncle is ridiculous and your aunt is coddling him. How on EARTH are you the one being dramatic here. NTA! They are!
NTA what else were you supposed to do? My nephew is vegan and he does the same. Brings his own food or cooks himself as needed. No one has a problem with it.
It was inconsiderate and jerky of them to brush you off. It was inconsiderate of you to use their things to cook your own meal, if you didn’t clear it with them beforehand.
INFO:
Did you ask permission to use the grill? Or did you simply use it?
NTA Let your Aunt and Uncle know that you can’t just pick up a meat based burger and eat it. The enzymes in your stomach will reject it causing you to get sick. You didn’t disrespect your family in any way. They wouldn’t accommodate you, so you handled it like an adult. Nothing you did was dramatic or disrespectful.
NTA. You now know not to go to BBQs at their house.
NTA, they are being dramatic and quite ridiculous.. did they expect you to show up and only eat salad?
It’s really not that serious and you should feel bad over your uncle’s fragile ego.
NTA. Awful, arrogant behaviour from your uncle. Just don’t go next time and be around people who care about your feelings and beliefs.
NTA.
Tell your aunt and uncle that the point of this type of a family get-together is to, well, get together. It’s not a fancy dinner party where the host wants to showcase their cooking, it’s a freaking cook out.
Kudos to you for sensibly bringing something you could eat. You didn’t make an issue of it, you just (hopefully) quietly made sure you would be fed without demanding the host accommodate your dietary choices at the expense of everyone else’s enjoyment.
Your relatives appear to be well aware of your dietary choices. Does their definition of good manners mean that you should starve?
NTA…they know what they’re doing. Don’t give them the drama they’re looking for.
NTA
If they did not want to provide you with food that you could eat, they cannot get mad that you brought your own food.
You know what is more awkward than someone bringing their own food? Someone attending a BBQ and eating nothing but salad. Source: My experience eating raw vegetables at a holiday meal because I forgot to remind the host that I cannot have dairy, so we never talked about whether there would be food for me, or if I should bring my own. I was actually fine with it, but the host felt terrible (even though it was 100% my fault), and some of the other people felt bad.
Vegan options should have been made available for you at a family gathering. It’s very rude to exclude.
Also, there are many vegan recipes on line, they should have made the effort.
NTA.
NTA, your uncle and aunt are for not only not providing food you can eat, but then being upset you brought food to eat.
OFFS. You’re 100% NTA. I’m a celiac and I don’t ever go anywhere expecting anyone to have food safe for me. I just eat ahead of time or bring my own. You fed yourself, end of.
NTA what are they expecting you to do ? Not eat ? They won’t cater to you so you’re pretty much stuck.
NTA. Wish I had some wise advice, but I can just tell you what I do (after years of tying be polite). Ignore the criticism. Pretend the critics are speaking in a language you don’t understand. Vegans/vegetarians/people with allergies/etc. are bashed frequently. Think of all the good things in your life (easier said than done). Wishing you peace.
Your family sucks. Make them feel bad! NTA.
NTA. They should be appreciative that you brought your own food and made it yourself. You weren’t trying to force your beliefs on anyone else. I think it’s kind of insensitive for your uncle to laugh and say that there will be salad for you when everyone else will have a full meal.
NTA. They tried to exclude you. Or are they too ignorant to understand the concept of veganism?
NTA! I’m going to a family BBQ later those year and I’ll be bringing my own gluten free rolls. The difference is though, I’m going to warn the hosts so they know but I’m happy to bring my own.