Me (20f) and my sister (19f) have half siblings from our mom’s first marriage to her late husband. When her late husband was terminally ill she started an affair with our dad and her kids found out about it. I was born 2 years after mom’s first husband died but in the eyes of my older siblings me and my sister were affair babies and they hated us for it. They told us every chance they got that we were disgusting and we never should have been born and that our mom and dad were disgusting wh*res. When my parents marriage broke down when I was in middle school my mom’s older kids celebrated and they told us they were glad our lives were turned upside down too and that me and my sister didn’t get a better life than them. They said we didn’t deserve it and that they hoped we’d end up orphans because they would let us rot in foster care.
We did lose our dad three years after the divorce and mom became an alcoholic. That was something else my older siblings cheered about. They love that mom is ruining her life. That was the last contact we had with them but they were all completely grown and married by then.
We were having a dinner party with my paternal family and my boyfriend and his immediate family. During dinner a couple of my relatives asked me and my sister if we had tried to reach out to our older siblings recently and suggested that it would be good for us. My sister left the table in tears and I told those relatives it wasn’t a good idea. They tried to convince me it would be and that enough time had passed for feelings to change but I pointed out that it’s a trauma for me and my sister with how strongly we were rejected and hated for being affair babies, which had nothing to do with us. I said we weren’t even born during the affair period but we’d never be anything more. And since our older siblings celebrated our lives going to shit multiple times when they were already adults I didn’t think it would be positive to have them in our lives.
My boyfriends family felt so bad for me being pressured like that. But one of the relatives involved doubled down and said it wasn’t the kind of topic you discuss in company. By the topic they meant the trauma of being called affair babies and hated for it. They said it’s also not fair to push that emotional burden on people trying to help me and my sister.
AITA?
Comments
NTA. They asked about reconnecting, and you just explained why it’s not possible. You were honest about your experience, not rude.
You are not the one who brought the subject up in front of company. They were by their own standards the rude one
Tell them to STFU. If they want to talk to those biotches, let them. But you don’t have to. Tell them that you wouldn’t piss on these siblings if they were on fire, and if they want to join them in that category, they should keep up this line of conversation.
Nta. I’m sorry you had to go through all that you don’t owe it to anyone wether you want reconciliation with your half siblings or not, do it at your own pace.
NTA so sorry for what you and your sister went through.
Nta. They asked a question. You told your truth.
NTA. People are rude and invasive and it’s not well intentioned. I also think they’re bullying you because of your age. People have this grand idea about family and reconciliation and it’s stupid. I’d have a very forceful conversation with them in private about minding their own business and if they don’t respect you, cut them out too.
NTA – you’re not at fault- they brought it in front of company not you.
You and your sister are well within your rights to not want any thing to do with your half siblings.
If anything those relatives should be putting the pressure on them to give a sincere apology for behavior towards you.
There’s a special place in hell for people who cheat on their terminally ill partners.
If they try it again, don’t be gentle. Really rub it in their faces that their son helped a woman cheat on a dying man. Push it until they realise what they’re saying.
Absolutely an inappropriate topic for discussion at a dinner party with boyfriend’s family. Paternal family should never have brought it up.
Op you and your sister are NTA. But i disagree with the comments hating elder siblings. Their mom cheated on their dying dad. I put myself in their shoes and that I would never be able to have a relation with the children of a parent ,who cheated on my dying parent. Will never love the affair children.
It’s best solution to not have any relation with them. Your mom deserve every bit of hate she gets from her other kids. Your father side of family is disgusting. So was your dad. But yeah not your fault. Though ur mom and dad deserves no grace and love.
Cut those relatives out of your and your sister’s lives and enjoy the peace!
You had enough drama in your lives, now you’re adults and you can choose which people can stay in your lives or not!
You are for sure NTAH and you have no faults! You two never asked to be born and never chose the conditions.
I suppose your half siblings never went to therapy, if so, your parents were the AH, because they should have helped them to elaborate the trauma.
You and your sister should also go to therapy and heal the trauma.
Stay strong and cut the garbage out of your lives!
NTA
> They tried to convince me
They couldn’t take a “no”. Consequences are on them.
NTA “it’s not the kind of topic you discuss in company”
“I agree. So what did you bring it up at dinner with guests present for, Betty?”
NTA!
All you two can do, is ignore the b.s. and prove your older siblings wrong. The best revenge is to succeed, and watch them fill with anger that their hate can’t stop you. They’re old enough to know better, and still choose to be a bag of d!ck$!
NTA you didn’t bring it up. also, they can feel their feelings about your mom and dad, but wishing harm on an innocent child makes them bad people. not loving you and wanting nothing to do with you are understandable, but actively wishing you despair and celebrating your struggles makes them horrible people. you have no obligation to reconcile with horrible people
NTA but your dinner guests are shit stirrers
I know I’d never encourage a relationship with these non-sibs. Life must have been tough with them.
NTA Relatives sounds like idiots.
Best to ignore people like that and not engage with them.
NTA. Both you and your sister. You had no say in the affair in the first and can’t be called affair babies in the strictest of sense. But everybody else sucks here:
Your mom for not getting her act together for a couple of years when she knew the ex-husband was terminally ill and about to die.
Your dad for getting involved in an affair and then blowing up the marriage with your mom.
Your older half siblings who took everything out on you when their grievances should have been targeted at your mom and dad.
Your dad’s relatives for forcing you to reconcile with your older half siblings when it is your dad’s actions (plus your mom’s) that is responsible for the bad blood between you and them.
Your mom has had her share of karma but she is not correcting her course and instead have fallen into bad habits like alcohol. I guess try to talk to her and help her see the truth and make the amends necessary for you to have a good familial life in future.
I’m sorry, what…?
>They said it’s also not fair to push that emotional burden on people trying to help me and my sister.
Yeah, but… who asked? They jumped into a situation they didn’t know, didn’t understand, and tried to foist unsolicited “advise” onto you, get mad when your life isn’t the Hallmark film they envisioned, and then got cross when you explained the real-life emotions involved that they hadn’t taken into consideration.
“Well, thank you, Deborah, for that wholly unasked for opinion. By the way, I have this wonderful recommendation for a personal trainer and life coach which you absolutely must use. Have you tried calorie counting? You absolutely should go for an hour long walk, every day! Too much? Huh, who would have thought that giving unsolicited advice about situations completely unrelated to you could cause so much offence. Almost as if keeping ones opinions to themselves would be the polite thing to do. I think it’s covered by “good manners” and “etiquette”. Maybe we should all try practising that now.”
Yeah, NTA. Well done on staying so calm and polite. Lord knows I wouldn’t have.