My mom (50’s) started dating Dan (50’s) three years ago and they got married 5.5 months ago. I (20’sF) was already moved out when they met and so was my older sister (20’s). We didn’t mind Dan at first but once he moved in with mom things got a little weird. He brought up how he’d lost his only kid, his daughter, when she was 6 and he talked about how rusty he was as a dad but how he couldn’t wait to jump back into being one. He said he was looking forward to building that relationship with us. At the time I said it would be nice to build a friendship but I had a dad (he died 10 years ago) and was grown and it would never be like that between us.
The mentions of being our dad didn’t end there and it got worse in the run up to the wedding and then after. Once the wedding was over with my sister went nuclear on him and she told him to go fuck himself and he was never going to be her dad and how he and mom would be lucky if she wanted to be around them at all because fuck him for thinking he could replace dad and fuck her for expecting her to go along with it. She told him to get over himself and accept he was just married to mom and they would only be in each other’s lives for as long as that lasts.
I never went that far but I did state more than once that I was willing to be friends but not father and daughter. I also deliberately didn’t go to him if I needed what might be seen as fatherly help or father figure advice. He was always very eager to provide it but his eagerness wasn’t just for that and he truly did expect a father/daughter relationship to be born.
This became more clear when he talked about how nice it would be to be father of the brides for me and my sister when our wedding days came.
One thing I should also mention before I go into my point for the post is my mom’s husband will frequently bring up his daughter and talk about her dying and how he never thought he’d get to be a dad again. I’m undecided if he’s just very much still caught up in that or if he’s trying to manipulate me/us into feeling so bad that we’ll fill the role of his daughter and let him fill the role of our dad. My mom has mentioned how much he misses her and how we brought some hope back to him after a long time of being a childless parent.
When being father of the brides was mentioned I knew we had to speak again so I asked to talk to him and my mom and I told him very simply that he needed to readjust his expectations because he was not going to be father of the bride in our weddings. I did leave out that my sister has talked about whether she’ll even have them in her life going forward because it pisses her off that they expect him to be our new dad. But when I spoke to him I tried to be kind about it but firm and then I told him I was not his new or replacement daughter for the daughter he lost just like he wasn’t the new or replacement dad for the dad I lost. I told him friendship was still on offer but I wanted it to be clear and final that I was not going to try and make a father/daughter relationship work.
The response to me spelling everything out so firmly got a bad reaction but the worst reaction came from me bringing up his daughter and saying anything about a replacement. From the many things he has said it has felt like he’s seeking that. But maybe I was wrong to say anything about that or even her for that matter. So I’m asking AITA?
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you set a clear boundary, and he kept pushing, so you had to spell it out. His loss is tragic, but that doesn’t mean you have to play the role he’s trying to force on you.
NTA for setting boundaries, but mentioning his deceased daughter was harsh. He’s wrong to push the dad role but having a deceased family hurts like hell. So maybe you shouldn’t have mentioned that
Who even has time to read shit like this?
Sometimes we feel we need to hurt someone a little to back them off properly.
It works, but then we question whether there was a better way.
There probably was a better way, given the depth of what you said.
Guy’s trying to find his way. He’s lost a piece of his heart that’ll never grow back, as you have.
You get older and have a kid, maybe you’ll look back on this know you didn’t have to go so low.
No honey, you’re NTA. You were kind, honest and firm with him and you offered him friendship. That’s a big thing how blended families go. You just told him how you feel about this issue. That he chose to react badly is on him; not you. You are your own person; you are not obliged to fit yourself to your step-father’s view of how things should be.
NTA – you guys set a boundary , it kept being pushed so here we are. He needs to understand he’s not replacing anyone and they’re both lucky to be invited after all that nonsense
I think you are being quite reasonable.
He seems over eager to replace something that he lost.
Considering your age and his and your Moms, being friendly is what is expected. Being cordial around the dinner table, maybe if he was a builder help you out with a few things in your home? Or a car mechanic? Then you could take him out for dinner as a thank you.
But I think that’s all.
If you said to your sister that Mom’s new Husband is ok and you are happy for her, I would say everybody has won the lottery. But it seems like you are going to have to travel a bumpy road to get to that point. Sometimes you get there, sometimes there is only more road.
Him: I want to replace your dad!
Also him: how dare you imply my daughter can be replaced?!
Your mom’s husband is oblivious. He’s already let his actions destroy the relationship between your mom and sister. If he truly cared about being ‘a good father figure’, then he never would have let things get to this stage. NTA
ETA. My grandmother remarried at 87 to a 91 year old. Her husband outlived 2 of his wives. Her husband also lost 2 children when they were little. One died from a flu and the other was hit by a car. He spoke of the children often, not the wives or other late family members. Which at 91 he had many late family members. And the children would have been dead already for 60 – 70 years or so. I think the loss of a child has an impact that differs from the loss of other family members. Hence the saying no parent should ever out live a child. I think you can expect your step dad to talk about and miss his daughter for as long as he lives.
On the flip side it’s like you guys speak and he doesn’t hear anything coming out of your mouths. And your mother isn’t helping. You and your sister are right, your adults. The relationship with your Step Father is going to be different. Even if your father had not passed away. But he did and that hole cannot be filled by anyone. Your mom’s desire to please her husband is the equivalent of stuffing her ears with cotton.
You all likely would benefit from family therapy and he may need to return to grief therapy.
Good luck.
You said what you needed to. Now you have to enforce it. If he brings the father/daughter thing up again, you say, “I have made my position clear. Please don’t ever mention this in my presence again.” Then, “I asked you not to mention this again. Now I am blocking both of you for two months. Next time, it will be six months.” Make sure to block your mother too, since she’s too weak to stand up for you.
NTA. When Sister’s nuclear approach didn’t work you had to take the more direct approach. It’s a shame, but it’s not good for anyone for him to be hanging on to these replacement fantasies. Honestly Mom should have shut this down immediately.
Nta
NTA. Your mother not only dated but she married that walking red flag. What’s wrong with her?
Bringing up his late daughter might have been a little spicy, but honestly, it sounds like he needed a wake-up call! Next time, maybe just offer him a dad joke and see if he gets the hint?
NTA. Your mother’s husband, and that is what he is, needs to work out his issues of losing his daughter with a professional instead of trying to shoehorn himself into your and your sister’s life.
My dad past when was 18. My mom never remarried. If she found someone and married that would have been fine with me. But he would not be my dad or even step-dad. Just her husband.
This guy needs serious therapy, not forcing a relationship that neither you nor your sister want.
It’s not an asshole move to set your boundaries. It is an asshole move to pressure others into fulfilling roles that were never theirs to begin with and never wanted. I feel you were justified in bringing your mother’s partner’s daughter into this conversation, as they have tried to steamroll you with this replacement father figure when it’s neither wanted nor needed. At least you went forward with empathy and tact, and even offered friendship, though I feel this guys emotional immaturity will not allow for that.
NTA
He needs to accept the boundaries you set of not wanting another father figure. They are in their 50’s. If he wants another daughter so badly they are young enough to adopt!
NTA
He’s been trampling your boundaries and ignoring everything you’ve said. Your mother has been encouraging and enabling him.
I suggest you follow your sister’s example. They won’t stop trying to manipulate you, so you need to remove yourself from their presence for a while.
NTA in my opinion. I have a very low tolerance for “steps, and halves “. I read Cinderella when I was five and I’m afraid it had a greater impact on me than it should have. A complete stranger coming into your life and trying to take your father‘s place doesn’t even make sense to me. I think you were very kind to sit them down and talk calmly. It’s always best to nip this kind of thing in the bud . I probably would’ve reacted the way your sister did. So my vote is not the asshole.
NTA setting rules and boundaries is never wrong
NTA, his loss is tragic, but so is yours. I think he’s selfish to bulldoze your loss in order to heal his. You had a dad you loved very much by the sounds of things, and he’s not respecting you.
Nta. You are your own person. You are not a replacement. Set your boundaries
You told him exactly right. You girls were adults when they married. Even if you would have been kids and lost your dad someone can’t come in and replace. There was a story like that on one of these subs. The guys daughter had died and he thought exactly the same thing. He could step in and be Daddy and I think he wanted like a father/daughter picture at her wedding to which she was saying no. People need to understand you can’t replace people. You have told him as much as you can.