My (F23) partner (M25) and I have been dating for a year and known each other for almost four years. He has a fraternal twin brother, let’s call him Jake, who makes a hobby out of making jokes at my partner’s expense at times. I previously asked him privately about why does he tolerate these bs and he told me how his Jake means no harm is quite insecure since high school so he that’s his way of coping if it makes him feel any better. For context: they look nothing alike. My partner is extremely good looking, tall, maintains a fit and healthy body so I guess he is considered conventionally attractive. I met his other family members too and they are all very friendly and sweet.
We visited his family for the labor day weekend and had many fun activities together. Jake arrived right around dinner to join us and started making some weird lame jokes again. Some of which were like “Your new job must have hired you for your pretty face cuz with that degree (his college major) you would end up unemployed for life.” “Pretty people often have room temperature IQ and you’re not beating that allegation bro” after my bf accidentally dropped and broke his cup. I was getting so annoyed so I replied “you have never broken a thing in your life, einstein?” He then goes “chill I was just joking” to which I replied “well I don’t know who exactly told you comedy is your forte but it’s a good thing you’re professionally not a comedian. Cause if that was the case, I would definitely suggest you to look into other career options.”
His parents got all quiet and their younger sister laughed at this. Jake started arguing with me and told my bf to “control his woman” I told him since you do not have a woman to begin with, it’s probably hard for you to realize that women are not objects or toddlers to be controlled. His mom told both of us to calm down and asked Jake to apologize for his last comment. My partner just picked up our stuff and said we are leaving. He told his brother on the way out that he is fine with being butt of the joke but never cross the line by attacking me or even think about saying anything disrespectful. Since last night, we have been getting mixed reactions from family and mutual friend groups. Some are saying it was between the brothers, I shouldn’t have gotten involved. Some are saying everyone knows how insecure Jake is about his looks and we just came off as a bully further crushing his self esteem.
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My (F23) partner (M25) and I have been dating for a year and known each other for almost four years. He has a fraternal twin brother, let’s call him Jake, who makes a hobby out of making jokes at my partner’s expense at times. I previously asked him privately about why does he tolerate these bs and he told me how his Jake means no harm is quite insecure since high school so he that’s his way of coping if it makes him feel any better. For context: they look nothing alike. My partner is extremely good looking, tall, maintains a fit and healthy body so I guess he is considered conventionally attractive. I met his other family members too and they are all very friendly and sweet.
We visited his family for the labor day weekend and had many fun activities together. Jake arrived right around dinner to join us and started making some weird lame jokes again. Some of which were like “Your new job must have hired you for your pretty face cuz with that degree (his college major) you would end up unemployed for life.” “Pretty people often have room temperature IQ and you’re not beating that allegation bro” after my bf accidentally dropped and broke his cup. I was getting so annoyed so I replied “you have never broken a thing in your life, einstein?” He then goes “chill I was just joking” to which I replied “well I don’t know who exactly told you comedy is your forte but it’s a good thing you’re professionally not a comedian. Cause if that was the case, I would definitely suggest you to look into other career options.”
His parents got all quiet and their younger sister laughed at this. Jake started arguing with me and told my bf to “control his woman” I told him since you do not have a woman to begin with, it’s probably hard for you to realize that women are not objects or toddlers to be controlled. His mom told both of us to calm down and asked Jake to apologize for his last comment. My partner just picked up our stuff and said we are leaving. He told his brother on the way out that he is fine with being butt of the joke but never cross the line by attacking me or even think about saying anything disrespectful. Since last night, we have been getting mixed reactions from family and mutual friend groups. Some are saying it was between the brothers, I shouldn’t have gotten involved. Some are saying everyone knows how insecure Jake is about his looks and we just came off as a bully further crushing his self esteem.
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> I might be TA for directly getting involved and making fun of his brother’s poor humor and doubling down implying he has no girlfriend hence won’t understand this.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. Jake wasn’t just “joking,” he was being mean at your bf’s expense, and then he turned it on you with the “control your woman” comment. You clapped back after he dished it out, and honestly, he just couldn’t handle someone throwing it back at him. That’s not bullying that’s standing up for yourself and your partner.
Don’t throw a punch if you’re not willing to get hit. Sweet burn response. NTA
NTA. Jake sounds like the kind of guy who can dish it out but can’t take it. They are the worst. I think taking humorous jabs right back at him is exactly how you deal with a guy like that, especially if you’re armed with a better wit than he is. If I took a crack at my own brother and his wife made me look a fool with a well-timed verbal riposte, I’d take it on the chin and rethink my delusion that I was hot shit. My philosophy is that you have to be able to laugh at yourself first and foremost, and it’s okay to laugh at others if they can laugh at themselves just as you can at yourself.
Normally I would say not to insert yourself in your bf’s family interactions. But when your bf is being mistreated right in front of you, well, you’re already involved. So NTA for sticking up for your bf. Or for yourself.
Jake doesn’t get to use his own insecurity as a free ticket to be rude or cruel to others. People who are defending him for that are out of line. It’s actually really constructive for him to be shut up like you did.
If your bf wants to put up with that stuff from his brother, I guess that’s his business. But not in front of you, right? And good for your bf for standing up for you too.
It honestly sounds like you were just trying to stand up for your boyfriend when his brother wouldn’t stop with the digs even after you’d already addressed it in private. Making regular jokes at someone’s expense isn’t just playful banter if it actually bothers them, and ignoring it can feel like letting it slide.
You shot back a little, but Jake kind of asked for it by not respecting boundaries and getting defensive rather than apologizing. The “control your woman” comment was way out of line, and calling that out was fair. I get why some family members might think you escalated, but sometimes people won’t stop until someone calls them on it especially with stuff that crosses into personal attacks or old stereotypes.
Bottom line, you weren’t bullying Jake. You were defending someone from constant, uncomfortable jabs. Jake needs to find better ways to work on his self-esteem that don’t involve targeting others, and the family might need to rethink what kind of “jokes” are actually fun for everyone.
NTA. You weren’t “bullying” anyone, you were defending yourself. Jake was crossing the line by insulting you and then trying to gaslight it as a joke. Your partner even said he’s fine with jokes at his expense but doesn’t allow disrespect toward you. That’s not overreacting, that’s setting boundaries.
NTA. The brother is 100% insecure, but it’s weird that the entire family just puts up with him being mean to your bf. The parents should have taken care of that years ago. There’s always been a zero bullying tolerance in my household.
Also don’t feel bad for defending your bf. As someone’s SO, you should stand up for them when they are being mistreated, it doesn’t matter who or why. You did the right thing. Also hopefully the brother has learned a thing or two from it
It’s fucked up how in almost all reddit stories the family members downplay the assholes and bullies actions by saying they’re joking. Fuck that. I would never tolerate that shit. You stood up for your boyfriend and that’s awesome.
YTA. If my wife got involved when my brother was going at it with me, I’d deserve every fucking thing he ever said from then on.
Your comebacks were so awesome. Well done!!! NTA
I think you and your BF did a great job last night. NTA
This doesn’t even sound real
NTA. As the old saying goes, don’t start nothing, won’t be nothing.
YTA. And I recommend not having any children with this guy because you probably won’t be together much longer if he has a back bone at all.
AO3 is three blocks away
ESH. Your bf’s brother for being a bully, everyone in the family for tolerating it, your bf for not having a backbone, but also you because at the end of the day, it is a family matter and you can’t change a lifetime of a toxic dynamic
YTA. The family members are right you need to let the brothers hash it out. These jokes also don’t seem harmful at all. I don’t know why you feel like you need to be the saviour in this situation when your boyfriend should be the one talking about it if he feels bad. This is crossing your boundary.