I’m 28M my wife is 27F. Together since 2018. Her brother (31M) is a little special. Last year, he was caught in a robbery attempt at his hometown. His act was so stupid that the security cams video got viral in town. It was so embarrassing that my wife’s parents had to come and live with us after constant taunting and indirect mocking by the community.
He got 1 year in prison. Fast forward to now, he’s getting released next week. Everyone’s anger is diminished and the family has decided to host a party upon his arrival. Today, while my wife was googling about the decoration services near the house, I jokingly asked her to keep the deco thief themed, as it will most suit her brother. It was meant to be a light joke, I said only to her.
But she didn’t take it well and said that her brother is not a thief. I said that keeping jokes aside, it’s wrong to say her brother is not a thief, he is indeed a thief and it’s a big thing which cannot be swept under the carpet just to keep family honor. We would never embarrass him over it, but we can’t deny the truth.
She got very pissed and isn’t talking to me for now. So guys, AITA here?
(This happened in our native language, where same word is used for thief and robber, so don’t get confused)
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I’m 28M my wife is 27F. Her brother (31M) was caught in a failed robbery attempt. The video got viral in the siblings’ hometown. It was so embarrassing that my wife’s parents had to come and live with us after constant taunting and silent mocking of the community.
He got 1 year in prison. Fast forward to now, he’s getting released next week. Everyone’s anger is diminished and the family has decided to host a party upon his arrival. While my wife was googling about the decoration services near their house, I jokingly asked her to keep the deco thief themed, as it will most suit her brother.
However, she didn’t take it as a joke and said that her brother is not a thief. I said that keeping jokes aside, it’s wrong to say her brother is not a thief, he is indeed a thief and it’s a big thing which cannot be hided under the carpet just to keep family honor.
She got very pissed and isn’t talking to me for now. So guys, AITA here?
(Just to clear things up, all this talk happened in our native language, where thief = robber, same word used for both)
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
YTA, they are trying to celebrate someone coming home and hopefully prison did its job and reformed him. It sounds like you’re jumping the gun and being insensitive.
YTA You sound like the kind of person who would start the welcome back speech… and throw in a joke about everyone checking their purses and counting the silverware.
It’s too soon for joking.
YTA , he is not defined by his mistakes and has served his time. Life is not always about being “technically correct”. Show some compassion to your wife and be optimistic your brother has reformed.
Yeahhhh, you’re not the asshole for calling a thief a thief. You’re an asshole because of all the other context that that question fails to address.
YTA. You’re right, I’m sure that’s what you want to hear. You are still an asshole.
OP you need to read the story the Prodigal Son. Your brother in law needs forgiveness and he has served his punishment for his crime.
YTA. He’s a thief but bringing it up right before they have a party celebrating his release? Like come on bro….
YTA – this is clearly a sensitive subject for the family and by asking for a thief theme, OP is mocking them just like the rest of the town. People make mistakes and are capable of change. Let them all move on, especially since he’s served his time.
NTA.
But you kinda got close to the other verdict with how you handled it with your wife.
Good joke? Yes. But that’s not at issue.
Is the brother a dipstick convict? Yes. But that’s not at issue.
Watch for signs of relapse, but give him the benefit of the doubt since he’s just an in-law. If he relapses, draw a line about supporting him. But you aren’t at that point yet either.
YTA
He’s a thief, yes.
But he’s also her brother. You should be considering your wife’s feelings here with your approach.
You’re taking one aspect of him and conflating it to be his entire personality.
There is a better approach, where you talk to her in private about your real concerns if you have them, not setting a condescending tone about the situation.
Example : if you’re concerned about his thieving, and his impact on you, talk to her about that in private, perhaps you wouldn’t want him to house sit for example. That’s appropriate and justified private conversation that isn’t making a joke.
But read the room and understand that this guys family still cares for him and hopes for him to be more than a thief which will be impossible to live down with ridicule and gossip coming from within.
She is the A HOLE. Sorry for once in eternity the MAN is right and the woman is wrong congrats lol
YTA – 2 things can be true. Yes hes a thief but hes also her brother who served his debt to society and hopefully wants to rebuild his life. If you love your wife have some compassion for her brother
YTA It wasn’t even a funny or clever joke. There’s nothing to pat yourself on the back about here. Your wife and her parents have been traumatized by this and they want to put it behind him. If you want to talk about any concerns you have then just do that- have a conversation.
Factually, your BiL is a thief/robber. What you haven’t mentioned is whether he is now a reformed one, on the right path or still on the wrong one. This does make a big difference to the welcome he could receive and to his family’s acceptance.
It would be unkind to keep harping on the past if sincere efforts are being made to make amends and better choices. But has he reformed?
The joke with your wife in private was fair. Keep them to yourself for now, though. The hurt is still there, even if the family is trying to erase it.
NAH
YTA
That “joke”, while accurate, seems pretty inappropriate in that context.
YTA he did his time — your jokes are callous and cruel. Don’t you think they’ve suffered enough jokes and taunting already?
Explain the joke.
Your BIL in fact is a thief. He is in prison for that
I don’t think is wise to throw him a party for being released from prison, it’s like a reward
No, NTA.
Instead of feeling you disrespected her brother, I think she has to think on your words. Once a thief, always a thief. I don’t know if he will be stupid enough to do it again and get caught on video, but I am highly certain he’s going to start stealing things from the family
YTA, shame on you for blaming a man for a mistake he already atoned for, and for needlessly hurting your wife with it.
NTA
Yta, if you are a Christian, Luke 15 ,11-32. I am not particularly religious, yet the prodigal son is something to think about. If you ever have to return from away (or screw up) , think about how you would like to be greeted on return.
YTA.
“We would never embarrass him over it”.
Proceeds to attempt to embarrass him over it.
YTA. Yes, your BIL is a thief. That’s not why you’re an asshole. You’re an asshole because you made a joke about it. Comedy is about timing, and yours was too soon, clearly. Especially since her parents got chased out of town by taunts and mocking, now you’re starting to show signs of doing the same thing.
Also, the hell do you mean by your BIL being “a little special”?
YTA, it should be robbery themed, not thievery.
I’m not sure what your question is here. It looks like you’re putting forward arguments about him being indeed a thief. But that is irrelevant for being T A or not.
You might be correct, but that still makes YTA.
Yes he is a thief but he did his time, personally he doesn’t deserve a party, so your wife & her parents are YTA, but your YTA for saying it in way you did. Even tho your wife was incorrect.
NTA I’m sorry to your wife, but if she’s offended because she is in denial over the reality, then the offense isn’t justified. It might be debatable whether you should have initially joked about a tender subject, but from what you write her anger mostly is stemming from you pointing out that he is, in fact, literally a thief.
She is rejecting the label and is angry at that — but what does she think you did wrong enough to stay angry with you over?
You making one joke to her in private is not the same as you shaming her brother or her family in public.
You pointing out the reality of what his actions make him is not wrong either.
What does she want from you? That you pretend that her brother was away on a voyage of self-discovery, or that he is innocent? I think her loyalty to her brother is misguided if it starts from the extreme point of denying reality and expecting you to pretend too, even with her in private.
YTA. Learn to read a room.
NTA but is it more important to you that your joke lands or that you get along with your wife?
I can’t believe your wife and ILs are throwing a party to celebrate a felon getting released from prison. Do not let him move in with you too! NTA
NTA
Nta you called a spade a spade, yes he paid his time but it still holds true. Hamburgler theme would be perfect or Swiper from Dora the explorer
YTA
There’s a difference here. Yes, your brother-in-law did what he did. But I am not a fan of labeling people like you did here. If he can never pay his debt to society, then how can anyone ever move on from a mistake? Maybe if someday your wife asks you to trust her brother with expensive jewelry, then maybe you talk about his past. Right now, you’re just labeling him for no reason and hurting your wife in the process.
“It was so embarrassing that my wife’s parents had to come and live with us after constant taunting and indirect mocking by the community.”
And knowing that you decided to mock her brother.
Huge YTA.
NTA – her brother IS a thief – he – the crime was thievery – if you commit murder -do time, get out you are still a murderer. You just aren’t a criminal anymore since you served the time you were given.
INFO do you guys normally have the same sense of humor?
I would’ve thought this was funny. It’s my perspective that we can laugh about uncomfortable and unpleasant things, and it makes them suck just a little bit less.
Is your wife normally like that too? I think saying it in front of her family would’ve crossed the line, but just to her I don’t think it does unless she normally hates jokes like that and you already know that.
YTA because labeling people by their worst moment is vindictive and ugly. It undermines his humanity and really, just please stop. Your wife, his sister who loves him? Does not need to hear this shit from you.
YTA.
Are you “call it like it is” type person? Your “joke” was rude.
YTA.
YTA
I think it depends on the person. If I got busted in a poorly planned heist and my family threw a Hamburgler themed party upon my release, I would find it to be hilarious. But it’s very dependent on both the person and the relationship. This feels less like a “we’re all laughing together” and more “I’m laughing at you,” though, so it doesn’t seem at all like a good natured ribbing between family. Also, the comment about a possible mental disability feels a little like you were making fun of him before this happened.
YTA but you are correct.