Me (F25) and my best friend (F24) have been close for years, but this summer really opened my eyes. She spent most of her time with a group of people that I don’t vibe with and who honestly make me feel excluded. Meanwhile, she barely made any effort to see me. On my actual birthday, she barely acknowledged me, and she never planned anything to celebrate even though I always show up for her.
She recently admitted to another friend that she had been “a shitty friend this summer,” but when I finally told her directly that I felt left out, she completely flipped it back on me. She said it was “unfair” of me to be upset because I didn’t invite her to certain things, specifically a birthday trip and a birthday brunch. The truth is those were fun plans other friends had already made for me, and she could have planned something of her own for me if she wanted to celebrate, but she never did.
When she asked about my availability for my birthday weekend, I told her I wasn’t sure when I’d be back, and she said she would plan her weekend then. Later I told her I’d be back on Sunday, but she never offered to do anything or messaged me back. So when my other friend asked me to do something, I accepted.
At the same time, she never once made her own plans with me. If she wanted to see me, she easily could have.
She also told me I wasn’t making an effort with the group, but the truth is I wasn’t invited. The one time I did go out with them, I ended up literally standing alone in a bar while they all went off together. After that, I honestly didn’t see the point of forcing myself into a circle where I clearly wasn’t welcome.
I get that everyone is busy and wants to have fun in their 20s, but it felt like she completely sidelined me while making time for everyone else.
Now she’s spinning it as me being “mad that she has other friends,” when really I just felt ditched all summer by the one person who’s supposed to be my closest. And to top it off, she ended the whole thing by calling me “the closest person she has.” Which just feels like words at this point, because her actions haven’t backed it up.
So, AITA for calling her out for leaving me out and for being upset that she didn’t make any effort with me, or am I overreacting?
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Me (F25) and my best friend (F24) have been close for years, but this summer really opened my eyes. She spent most of her time with a group of people that I don’t vibe with and who honestly make me feel excluded. Meanwhile, she barely made any effort to see me. On my actual birthday, she barely acknowledged me, and she never planned anything to celebrate even though I always show up for her.
She recently admitted to another friend that she had been “a shitty friend this summer,” but when I finally told her directly that I felt left out, she completely flipped it back on me. She said it was “unfair” of me to be upset because I didn’t invite her to certain things, specifically a birthday trip and a birthday brunch. The truth is those were fun plans other friends had already made for me, and she could have planned something of her own for me if she wanted to celebrate, but she never did.
When she asked about my availability for my birthday weekend, I told her I wasn’t sure when I’d be back, and she said she would plan her weekend then. Later I told her I’d be back on Sunday, but she never offered to do anything or messaged me back. So when my other friend asked me to do something, I accepted.
At the same time, she never once made her own plans with me. If she wanted to see me, she easily could have.
She also told me I wasn’t making an effort with the group, but the truth is I wasn’t invited. The one time I did go out with them, I ended up literally standing alone in a bar while they all went off together. After that, I honestly didn’t see the point of forcing myself into a circle where I clearly wasn’t welcome.
I get that everyone is busy and wants to have fun in their 20s, but it felt like she completely sidelined me while making time for everyone else.
Now she’s spinning it as me being “mad that she has other friends,” when really I just felt ditched all summer by the one person who’s supposed to be my closest. And to top it off, she ended the whole thing by calling me “the closest person she has.” Which just feels like words at this point, because her actions haven’t backed it up.
So, AITA for calling her out for leaving me out and for being upset that she didn’t make any effort with me, or am I overreacting?
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NTA. She ditched you all summer, didn’t make an effort for your birthday, and now is trying to flip it on you. Friendships go both ways, and if she wanted to celebrate you or spend time with you, she could have planned something. You’re not mad she has other friends, you’re hurt because she didn’t show up for you. That’s fair.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> So the action I took in my post for the group was telling my friend directly that I felt left out all summer and pointing out she never made an effort to plan anything with me. I also didn’t invite her to my birthday trip and brunch because those were plans my other friends made for me. I think she might see me as the AH because she felt excluded and blamed me for not inviting her, even though she hadn’t been making time for me either, and saying she’s allowed to have other friends besides me and go out with them
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
> Now she’s spinning it as me being “mad that she has other friends,” when really I just felt ditched all summer by the one person who’s supposed to be my closest
I mean, it does sound like you’ve been upset about her hanging out with her other friends. Did you make attempts to spend time with her, or was she supposed to be the one to make contact with you?
ESH.
NTA You’re not mad that she has other friends you’re hurt because she stopped showing up for you while claiming you’re “the closest person she has.” That’s not about jealousy, that’s about basic reciprocity in friendship.
She ditched you all summer, didn’t invite you into her new circle, and made zero effort to celebrate you on your birthday. Then when you express your hurt, she flips it around and plays victim? That’s classic deflection.
Also, let’s be honest: saying “I’ll plan my weekend then” instead of “what day are you free so I can make time for you?” already tells you everything. She wasn’t trying to celebrate you, she was making herself available if convient — huge difference.
And her trying to guilt you for not inviting her to birthday plans others made for you? That’s just projecting her own guilt onto you because she knows she dropped the ball and doesn’t want to own it.
Friendships evolve, but they shouldn’t become one-sided. You’re allowed to expect effort, communication, and care especially from someone who calls you their best friend.
NTA
She made a whole new group of friends and ditched you all summer. She blew off your birthday and didn’t even try to make plans with you.
I will say that we sometimes outgrow people as adults, especially at your age. She made a new group and it sounds like she’s phasing her old friends out. Maybe not on purpose, but it’s clear her focus is this new group. She’d trying to twist it around on you for “not trying”, but the fact is, they’re her friends, not yours. She asked you to hang out with them but then ignored you the whole time, same as the new group. Why in the world would you want to try with them after that?
It sucks, but it sounds like you two are moving in different directions at this point in your lives. She was your best friend but isn’t any longer. Not saying you need to totally ditch her, but I wouldn’t make too much effort with her anymore.
Nah fam, NTA. Actions speak louder than words, right? She might’ve pulled the “u r my closest friend” card, but IMO, she’s just tryna avoid dealing with her own shittiness. Tbh, u don’t owe her anything. U got every right to feel hurt. Friendship is a two-way street, she can’t expect u to stick around if she’s not putting any effort. U do u boo, stick with the peeps who actually show they care. Sometimes, it’s just too much to force a square peg into a round hole, y’know?
Info: how many times before your birthday did you proactively ask to hang out/invite her to something? Your post doesn’t mention you reaching out to plan anything (if I’ve somehow missed it, apologies).
NTA. But by your own telling, she DID make an effort to plan something on your bday weekend and you gave her a vague response. She probably got the hint that you weren’t into it by that point. OP, it doesn’t sound like she is your best friend anymore. Relationships evolve, and sometimes they run their course. You should focus time on relationships that fulfill you – this does not sound like one of them.
Nta
When the time came to acknowledge the behavior, she decided to deflect and blame you rather than be honest and take responsibility for her choices.
It’s pretty obvious when you’re being blown off and she already acknowledged it elsewhere, so I guess I’d take a step back from the relationship.
NTA You don’t have to accept her scraps. She wants to keep semi-connected to you so she can fall back on your friendship on her terms, while she keeps investing her time and energy into the new friend group. That’s her choice and she shouldn’t be blaming you for results she created.
Okay, OP…this would have been a perfectly timed post 10 years ago..when you were BOTH FIFTEEN years old.
Seriously, special birthday plans, best friend hanging out with people you don’t VIBE with? Do ya think it might be time to grow up and put on your BIG GIRL clothes?
You and best friend (yeah, the one who ditched you all summer, some bestie) are both a couple of AHs!!!