Am I the asshole? So my boyfriend James (M) and I (Savannah, F) I’m Mexican, he’s white.we have been dating for a little over a year. He’s honestly such a sweet guy and overall our relationship’s been really good. We’ve had some small issues here and there, but nothing crazy.The main problem is his mom. She’s super controlling about literally everything he does. Like one time, my parents invited him to run errands with us. We planned to go to a couple stores then head home, but after we were done we got hungry and decided to stop for fast food. When James told his mom, she got mad because it “wasn’t in the plan” she’d been told before. My parents and I thought that was weird. And it’s not just that one time there have been plenty of situations where she wouldn’t let him do simple things, like go to the movies with us, just because it wasn’t planned. She also tries to control who he hangs out with.I’ve never really felt comfortable at his house. I get odd, sometimes lowkey rude questions about my culture, and his mom will watch me like a hawk. I told James how I felt and he got it, apologized, and suggested we mostly hang out at my house, which I was fine with because I’m more myself there anyway.Then last night he called me late, crying. Once he calmed down, he told me he and his mom had a huge fight. For context, his parents are divorced and don’t like each other, but still hang out sometimes (which I don’t really get). His relationship with his dad has been getting better lately, so they went out for dinner and a movie. But when he got home, his mom started yelling, saying he liked his dad more and should just move in with him. I felt awful because I know how harsh she can be with her words. Usually, James defends her when I say she’s controlling, but this time he said he agreed with me. I told him she can’t keep controlling him forever because he’s almost an adult, and I mentioned my parents have noticed it too. While I was comforting him, he suddenly said he had to go because he heard something. A few minutes later, he told me his mom had been eavesdropping and heard what I said about her. My heart dropped. I felt horrible mostly because I’d brought up my parents but I don’t regret being honest about how I feel. So… AITA for calling his mom controlling? And what should I even do now?
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Am I the asshole? So my boyfriend James (M) and I (Savannah, F) I’m Mexican, he’s white.we have been dating for a little over a year. He’s honestly such a sweet guy and overall our relationship’s been really good. We’ve had some small issues here and there, but nothing crazy.The main problem is his mom. She’s super controlling about literally everything he does. Like one time, my parents invited him to run errands with us. We planned to go to a couple stores then head home, but after we were done we got hungry and decided to stop for fast food. When James told his mom, she got mad because it “wasn’t in the plan” she’d been told before. My parents and I thought that was weird. And it’s not just that one time there have been plenty of situations where she wouldn’t let him do simple things, like go to the movies with us, just because it wasn’t planned. She also tries to control who he hangs out with.I’ve never really felt comfortable at his house. I get odd, sometimes lowkey rude questions about my culture, and his mom will watch me like a hawk. I told James how I felt and he got it, apologized, and suggested we mostly hang out at my house, which I was fine with because I’m more myself there anyway.Then last night he called me late, crying. Once he calmed down, he told me he and his mom had a huge fight. For context, his parents are divorced and don’t like each other, but still hang out sometimes (which I don’t really get). His relationship with his dad has been getting better lately, so they went out for dinner and a movie. But when he got home, his mom started yelling, saying he liked his dad more and should just move in with him. I felt awful because I know how harsh she can be with her words. Usually, James defends her when I say she’s controlling, but this time he said he agreed with me. I told him she can’t keep controlling him forever because he’s almost an adult, and I mentioned my parents have noticed it too. While I was comforting him, he suddenly said he had to go because he heard something. A few minutes later, he told me his mom had been eavesdropping and heard what I said about her. My heart dropped. I felt horrible mostly because I’d brought up my parents but I don’t regret being honest about how I feel. So… AITA for calling his mom controlling? And what should I even do now?
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> i think im the asshole because i called my boyfriends mom controlling and i fully agree with everything i said!
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. You’re young. He’s stuck with her until he learns to stand up to her but you don’t have to be. You did nothing wrong.
Nta
And truth is always the best option. If she acts like a crazy mom of a 3 y.o, she should understand other people see it.
He’s 19!
NTA. His mom sounds like a toxic person. Don’t let her reactions to you color any part of your self image. She may not even realize it, but she’ll use this to try to control you too. Don’t let her.
NTA. Your boyfriend’s mom is very emotionally immature. She shouldn’t have been eavesdropping. Unfortunately, your boyfriend needs to keep the peace with her until she moves out. Poor kid. Best of luck to him.
NTA – you did not do a thing wrong. If she can’t take hearing the truth and hearing her son in tears because of her toxic behavior, that’s on her. Avoid her and her house. Being around her will bring you nothing good. He is not an adult yet, so he has to either abide by her rules and fly low under her radar, or go live with his dad, which might be a good change for him? It would be best if he grew a thick skin. Tell him to go look at videos of military personnel being yelled at in formations or activities. They don’t blink. This is the kind of skin he needs to grow. Literally let her harsh words roll off him and not bother him. That non reaction to her crap will probably drive her nuts. For you? Do nothing. If she does confront you, be calm and respectful but tell her you were being honest and you’ve never been taught to apologize for honesty.
NTA She is controlling. It’s about time someone told her.
Girl, I’d lay a lot of money down that she’s undiagnosed autistic. Autistic people get blamed a lot for being controlling and narcissistic but it’s their absolute NEED for routine that makes them panic (then “control” situations or “make it all about them”) the anxiety regarding routine is very real and depending on the situation and autism level, it’s mild irritation to full blown meltdown.
NTA for discussing her. She shouldn’t be eavesdropping.
NTA His mother sounds nit only controlling but lonely, she is about to oush away the last good guy she has left in her life. You said ‘he’s almost an adult’ which im assuming means he is under 18. Only a matter of time before he stops listening to her and possibly move out! He needs to learn to stand up for himself and explain to his mother how she is damaging their relationship.
NTA. But here’s a little thought (not an excuse): she’s well aware of his age and knows she only “has him” for another year. Perhaps depressed, anxious, insecure. So, when the shopping trip turned into “staying out for dinner” the goalposts got moved. She may have imagined that was the plan all along, so felt tricked. Or maybe she was cooking dinner already, hence miffed. To you it was a logical extension of your outing- but was more loaded for her.
I don’t doubt she was stung to hear your thoughts-but eavesdropping is wrong, you are not at fault.
This is a tricky time for her, I hope it feels possible for you and your boyfriend to make time to spend with her too. You’ll never regret being kind. Even if she’s difficult-BF can navigate his gradual separation from the apron strings, you should avoid acting as instigator for that. And it’s true- it may be easier for her to blame you than him- but softening the transitions as you can will help.
If she is controlling then she is
If you choose to be nosy in other people’s business, you might find out things you don’t want to hear.
She chose to eavesdrop and heard how you and her son really feel about her. Too bad so sad.
NTA
Hopefully she’ll think about it and see that she is overbearing, but I doubt it.
NTA. And she proved you right
James needs therapy… and probably to move in with his Dad. His Mom is being a classic narcissist. She’s emotionally immature and developed co-dependency… She will be like this probably forever. If you both continue your relationship, she will have her nose so far up your ass… James will need to learn how to set healthy boundaries and enforce them, deal with his Mom’s feelings and not let her manipulate him… She’s probably going to make him feel awful everytime hedeals with her forever
NTA. Boyfriend can vent to you, you can give empathy and encourage him to stand up for himself. He can talk to his dad or guidance counselor or therapist or Dr or whoever he needs to help guide him. You can be emotionally supportive but don’t tell him what to do bc he needs to figure that out for himself
I don’t think you’re an AH, but he’s still a minor and still has to go by her rules. However strict and crazy you think they are.