I (M28) have a friend (also M28) who has been struggling with a myriad of personal issues. For the sake of the post I’ll refer to my friend as Chris. As long as I have known him, Chris has been open about these problems and certainly has no issue discussing them, A LOT.
The recent issues he’d had are due to him fracturing his ankle all the way back in January. This lead to him becoming increasingly depressed, anxious and overall – more of a shut in. He hasn’t worked since about 6 months BEFORE this injury and really doesn’t seem interested in trying to get his life back on track ever since.
We’re both avid gamers & were both part of a small circle of guys who just had a good time playing whatever whenever we had the time.
As Chris is often alone however, he sought out some gaming communities to find more active people to play with. Keeping in mind this’ is a 28 year old man, Chris has been actively joining groups that advertise as 16+ with “rank structure” systems. He began giving up a LOT of time he could be using to better his life “volunteering” his time to help this community which was like a full time job for him without pay. He also spent over 200+ hours in the same discord call with one of the younger female members of the community.
I called him out on this, saying they were taking advantage of his “volunteering” by promising BS “promotions” in the community and giving him the donkey work of the discord. I also brought up concerns about actively joining groups that allow members as young as 16 when you’re 28 and then seeking to talk to them as well.
In response, Chris said he’s struggling even more now with mental health and end of life thoughts after people in the group began throwing ‘false accusations’ about him trying to talk to some of the younger girls. Given my main concern was them taking advantage of him, i found the response odd. He reflected on things and decided to leave.
Weeks go by and I notice a tag on his discord profile. He’s REJOINED the same group. I confronted Chris yesterday about this & decided enough was enough. I asked “Why are you back in that group?” to be met with “As a favour for the admins”. I mention the weird, trying to be in groups with young teenagers vibe he had already given off. Chris laughs the matter off saying: “You’re right, what am I doing?🤣🤣”
I mention that our other friends are also troubled by this and we’ve agreed we think it’s best to go our separate ways. Mental health & depression is NOT an excuse or reason to want to try and socialise with young girls as a grown man.
Question: AITA for calling out ‘Chris’ for joining younger community groups as a 28 year old man who when caught not once but TWICE, tries to shrug off the matter. I feel now his “remorse” from the first time was nothing but hot air. I don’t want to be even possibly friends with someone like this, but Chris feels like I’ve turned everyone on him.
Edits: Spelling
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I (M28) have a friend (also M28) who has been struggling with a myriad of personal issues. For the sake of the post I’ll refer to my friend as Chris. As long as I have known him, Chris has been open about these problems and certainly has no issue discussing them, A LOT.
The recent issues he’d had are due to him fracturing his ankle all the way back in January. This lead to him becoming increasingly depressed, anxious and overall – more of a shut in. He hasn’t work since about 6 months BEFORE this injury and really doesn’t seem interested in trying to get his life back on track ever since.
We’re both avid gamers & were both part of a small circle of guys who just had a good time playing whatever whenever we had the time.
As Chris is often alone however, he sought out some gaming communities to find more active people to play with. Keeping in mind this’ is a 28 year old man, Chris has been actively joining groups that advertise as 16+ with “rank structure” systems. He began giving up a LOT of time he could be using to better his life “volunteering” his time to help this community which was like a full time job for him without pay. He also spent over 200+ hours in the same discord call with one of the younger female members of the community.
I called him out on this, saying they were taking advantage of his “volunteering” by promising BS “promotions” in the community and giving him the donkey work of the discord. I also brought up concerns about actively joining groups that allow members as young as 16 when you’re 28 and then seeking to talk to them as well.
In response, Chris said he’s struggling even more now with mental health and end of life thoughts after people in the group began throwing ‘false accusations’ about him trying to talk to some of the younger girls. Given my main concern was them taking advantage of him, i found the response odd. He reflected on things and decided to leave.
Weeks go by and I notice a tag on his discord profile. He’s REJOINED the same group. I confronted Chris yesterday about this & decided enough was enough. I asked “Why are you back in that group?” to be met with “As a favour for the admins”. I mention the weird, trying to be in groups with young teenagers vibe he had already given off. Chris laughs the matter off saying: “You’re right, what am I doing?🤣🤣”
I mention that our other friends are also troubled by this and we’ve agreed we think it’s best to go our separate ways. Mental health & depression is NOT an excuse or reason to want to try and socialise with young girls as a grown man.
Question: AITA for calling out ‘Chris’ for joining younger community groups as a 28 year old man who when caught not once but TWICE, tries to shrug off the matter. I feel now his “remorse” from the first time was nothing but hot air. I don’t want to be even possibly friends with someone like this, but Chris feels like I’ve turned everyone on him.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel like I could be the asshole as a lot of judgement on my end comes from a “gut feeling” or “better safe than sorry” angle when calling out my friend for potentially being a creep. It feels a bit harsh without hard proof. I feel like I am morally right, but without proof it feels like I’ve been possibly too judgemental and a bit of an asshole.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
It’s concerning he’s ignoring your valid worries about his behavior. Prioritize your boundaries.
NTA
Your friend needs to seek therapy, not befriend minors. If I found out my kid was talking to a 28 year old man, that kid wouldn’t have any access to electronics for a long time.
NTA and good on you! If more men acted like you the gaming community would be a safer place for girls. You can’t forbid him, but you can help create a climate one way or another. Thank you for speaking up!
NTA
He goes there for validation and to feel better about himself because kids don’t know any better. He can be cool there. It’s gross. There’s a whole issue with predators on multiple platforms that have a lot of children on them. Thank you for calling him out!
Soft YTA – it comes across like you’re overly involved in trying to control your friend’s life. I think raising your concerns is valid and he clearly needs support with his poor mental health but ‘confronting’ him and ‘calling him out’ is pretty immature behaviour from you too and likely only adding to the negative feelings he’s already experiencing.
While 16+ is definitely not appropriate for a 28 year old I wouldn’t agree that it’s a ‘young teenager’ – that kinda comes across like twisting the narrative a little to boost your point.
Instead of piling negativity onto a friend who is clearly already having a difficult time, why not try and support him so that a toxic discord server doesn’t appear to him like the only place he can find any happiness?
NTA. Your concerns for your friend are valid.