My(26M) grandpa(85M) recently got rushed to the hospital after he expirence symptoms related to congestive heart failure. His wife, my stepgrandma (75~F) apparently found out I called the hospital and got in contact with his nurse and then eventually the doctor seeing over his care. Who gave me the updates she was unable or unwilling to provide.
He is in significantly worse shape than I assumed and I am going to visit him tomorrow. However she is extremely upset that I asked the doctor how much longer he has. He also recently had a stroke among other issues that I dont wish to share. I only called because I didnt want her to feel pressured or feel like she would need to take time away from my grandpa, her husband, to constantly update us on his condition. She feels like I went behind her back and only wanted this info to spread rumors and start drama
The nurse in charge had me on hold for a couple minutes before she shared info. As well as his doctor called me directly to share info. I presumed somewhere along there they asked if they could share before they did. I strongly suspect they asked my grandpa if he was okay with them sharing info, and he agreed. Thats my guess. She also wasnt forthcoming with updates as I only called later in the day when we had no new info. I figured she, rightfully and understandably, was more focus on him than updating us.
Either way she is upset, and might prevent me from seeing him potentially for the last time tomorrow due to this. Am I the asshole for potentially going behind her back to gain info on his condition?
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My(26M) grandpa(85M) recently got rushed to the hospital after he expirence symptoms related to congestive heart failure. His wife, my stepgrandma (75~F) apparently found out I called the hospital and got in contact with his nurse and then eventually the doctor seeing over his care. Who gave me the updates she was unable or unwilling to provide.
He is in significantly worse shape than I assumed and I am going to visit him tomorrow. However she is extremely upset that I asked the doctor how much longer he has. He also recently had a stroke among other issues that I dont wish to share. I only called because I didnt want her to feel pressured or feel like she would need to take time away from my grandpa, her husband, to constantly update us on his condition. She feels like I went behind her back and only wanted this info to spread rumors and start drama
The nurse in charge had me on hold for a couple minutes before she shared info. As well as his doctor called me directly to share info. I presumed somewhere along there they asked if they could share before they did. I strongly suspect they asked my grandpa if he was okay with them sharing info, and he agreed. Thats my guess. She also wasnt forthcoming with updates as I only called later in the day when we had no new info. I figured she, rightfully and understandably, was more focus on him than updating us.
Either way she is upset, and might prevent me from seeing him potentially for the last time tomorrow due to this. Am I the asshole for potentially going behind her back to gain info on his condition?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1.) What i want judged is if me getting in contact with my grandpas doctors without directly asking my grandma in law for updates make me a assholem
2.) That might make me a ass hole because it could be me going behind her back and not trusting her to give us updates. Which could be correct.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Nurse asked grandpa and said it was fine to share.
NAH
Sorry about your grandfather.
NTA. I’m glad your close with your grandpa and he has you in your life. 85 is a long life. I’m sure the 75 year old doesn’t want to lose him either. I think everyone is just sad and nobody wants to imagine losing a loved one. It’s hard losing someone we love so much.
But now not the time to even respond to her accusations of being dramatic. Bring her a plate of food you know she likes. If you are close enough, drive to her house and take her to visit him.
Shes 75 years old. Realistically. She probably doesn’t drive and would really appreciate a free lift……even if she doesn’t say it.
Maybe see if you can scrounge up a few old pictures of them.
NTA. There’s specific release of information forms for this kind of thing. At minimum they signed the paperwork allowing staff to confirm admission to the hospital. They ideally also signed those ROIs- that’s likely the delay. I always check before sharing any information. If not previously recorded, you have the patient fill it out if they so choose. You should not have been able to access that information without permission on some level.
With that said, maybe asking your grandma would have been a little more tasteful to try first before jumping straight over her head. Visitors can call from bedside or time calls for bathroom/bath breaks. Depending on your grandfather’s condition, there is also a chance that phone call might be the only adult conversation she has all day. And hearing a loved one’s voice does wonders in the hospital, even for visitors. Call her first next time, then offer to call the staff.
This completely depends on who is authorized to be given his medical information. Don’t assume that just because you were given the information that he authorized you. HIPPA violations occur (if you’re in US.). If you’re authorized NTA. If you’re not YTA. I get you were concerned, but that doesn’t trump his privacy.
If grandpa can speak enough and is oriented he gave permission. Grandma can’t do that until he’s knocked out.
I’m assuming the long hold was to ensure your grandpa allowed information about him to be given. NTA. You deserve to know about what is going on when there’s limited time left. Your step grandma probably wasn’t thinking straight but I feel like it’s ridiculous that she said you were trying to cause drama when you just what to know the status of your grandpa.
Edit: Unless that information involved telling them grandpa’s wife was misleading them, its hard to make a case for rumors. There is drama inherent to discovering your loved one is ill, but that’s not the malicious kind. Seems like NTA.
> only wanted this info to spread rumors and start drama
Info: who’d you tell?
Nta: they shouldn’t/wouldn’t have shared anything with you without his permission, so I agree that the long pause was them asking your grandfather
I do know that hospitals prefer only one contact person though. Its much easier and streamline if there aren’t multiple (even 2) people calling to get updates. So hopefully that wont be an issue.
And sorry about your grandfather. My dad is 87 and spent 10 weeks in the hospital last year. Its quite stressful
Nta. They absolutely asked your grandpa, and probably had him sign release of info forms before talking to you. No hospital staff would ever talk about a patient, not even to family, without covering their butts like that. Your step grandma is wildly insecure. You may want to discuss what she said to you about her baseless fears with your grandpa in private. Hope your grandpa pulls through!
In a hospital I worked at, parents allowed grandparents to get updates on the patient. Grandparents woke up progressively earlier and earlier to call and get updates before parents and then spread that information. They were simply excited and happy and weren’t trying to undermine anyone. However, the parents got progressively more and more angry until they revoked all chance for grandparents to get updates or visit unless accompanied. Relationships weren’t destroyed, they were definitely damaged.
By calling and getting permission from your grandpa for updates, you found a legal way to figure out what was going on, since grandma wasn’t sharing as much as you wanted (for reasons that aren’t clear). Unless you are trying to insinuate that step-grandma has issues with the family that grandpa doesn’t have, or that she would actively lie to the family to create issues, you got information that you gave out to people that you thought needed to know.
YTA – not because I think you are T A, but because you didn’t do the right thing. You didn’t talk to step-grandma first. You don’t know why she wasn’t giving information out. You don’t know what was going on, if this was stress, confusion, sorrow, or purposeful. I hope your grandpa is okay, I hope you got a chance to make things all right.