AITA 34F for calling out my MIL’s 65F passive aggressive behavior at dinner?
I (34F) have been married to my husband (38M) for 5 years, and we dated for 9 years before that. My MIL has a history of ignoring/excluding me in subtle ways, such as:
- Giving my husband money with instructions to spend it only on himself
- Bringing souvenirs from her travels for everyone but me
- Getting snacks at the airport just for my husband
- Asking questions like “Who bought the new car?” instead of acknowledging our shared finances
- Pring into our personal business by asking nosy questions about how we split our finances and who pays for what, which is completely none of her business
- Always asking my husband where he wants to go or what he wants to do, excluding me from the decision-making process
The final straw was when we went out to dinner with her and her boyfriend. When the waitress asked about the check, MIL pointed to her boyfriend, my husband, and herself, saying “the three of them will be on one check,” and then pointed to me, saying “and she’ll be on her own.” I felt disrespected and excluded. When the waitress walked away, I said:
“Only someone like you would think it’s okay to exclude their own daughter-in-law from the family check. I’m not surprised, though – you wouldn’t know good manners if they bit you. This is just another example of your usual behavior.”
I could be the AH for calling her out in a public place such as a restaurant and should have waited to express my feelings in a more private setting such as back at the house.
Comments
She’s TA. wtf is her problem?
NTA, but when you marry someone, you get their family too. If you chose to marry someone whose mother treated you badly for nine years, then I don’t know why you expected it to change.
Also, you have a husband problem because he allows it to continue. He should have nipped this years ago, yet he continues to let his mom disrespect you. Why don’t you take this up with him, because he’s the one who should be calling her out, not you.
It’s a little petty but her behavior was really awful so I’d say it’s deserved
Unless there is some significant “more to this story” gold digging behavior of your own you aren’t letting on (which I’m not assuming there is, just the only possible thing that could justify your wretch of a MIL’s behavior)- NTA.
Definitely deserved to be called out right then and there.
You don’t have a MIL problem, you have a husband problem. Your husband should have said “we’re together” to the watistaff and left it at that. He should also be making a point to correct his mother or include you in conversations about your plans. Tell him he needs to step up. If he doesn’t put her in her place and have your back he never will and he might as well be married to his momma and you need to find a real man.
NTA and your husband doesn’t respect you enough to check his mother
NTA. She & her son are TAs. Dies your husband have a spine or balls to stand up for you after 14 years? Leave him so he can with his mommy forever the way they want it
wtf why is she so rude. Some of the passive aggressive stuff whatever, but the stuff at the restaurant was beyond the pale. NTA
NTA, be what happened after you said that? I wanna hear her despair.
NTA, but your husband is. You have a serious relationship problem. Not between you and your MIL, but between you and your husband.
Nta, but you have a husband problem your ignoring. But your not new to this bs so why on earth have you been putting up with this bs for so long? Why does your boy not grow a pair and no matter his age he is still very much a boy if he sat there quietly.
Yeah, you married yourself a “mamma’s boy”. He has the power to shut this down but is choosing not to. You have two choices here: a marriage counsellor or a divorce lawyer. Mamma’s boys are broken boys who will NEVER be men without a commitment to therapy.
FYI you must realize that at some point she’ll be moving in with you.
NTA. She’s had that coming for years.
Your husband tolerates such behavior? You have a major husband problem.
Go get counseling. Pronto.
In meantime, do not conceive a child with this man…if you’re not on BC go on it.
You deserve better.
NTA
NTA – your husband needs to grow a backbone and start standing up for you.
This is some really poorly thought out fake nonsense…
Where is your husband in all of this?! NTA
NTA. If she’d done some subtle passive aggressive thing, it would have been too much. But her behavior was over the top. Is there a reason she thinks you’re a financial drain on your husband?
Assuming this story is true, you reacted to her humiliating you in a public place, so tit for tat and NTA.
NTA
Normally I’d say yes because it was public, but under the circumstances, everyone has a breaking point and she openly excluded and embarrassed you in public
I will say the fact that your husband lets her get away with this bullshit means this MOMMY’S BOY doesn’t’ have your back and is as much if not more of a problem as her.
NTA – but not your finest moment either. Ideally you would discuss this privately with her and at the first sign of an issue – being curious and asking if there is something you have done or said to hurt or offend her. At this stage of the game, I would sit down with her, acknowledge the restaurant was not the best place to have the discussion and explain how her words and actions have hurt you, and figure out if the two of you can work on the relationship.
Personally, I believe when you get married there is a whole new family what needs to be navigated. It isn’t your husband’s job
To speak to his mother for you, you need to forge your own relationship with her. (It would be nice however, if he would notice the slights and speak to her himself once in a while!)
I’m sorry you are going through this. It’s hard enough developing new relationships with in-laws without contention already there.
Since all her snide remarks seem to be around finances – it makes me wonder if she heard or thought she heard you say something in the past that she misconstrued- and hopefully an honest, vulnerable conversation can clear it up.
One piece of advice my (first) MIL gave me was that neither of you should talk to your parents about any problems or fights in your marriage – because the two of you will forgive and move on — but the parents won’t.
Good luck! I hope you can give updates!
I agree that you have a husband since he never seems to have your back. However, I think you are NTA for calling your MIL out at the restaurant since she started it by insulting you at the restaurant. People like your MIL will always push until someone pushes back, which you did. Good for you for finally standing up for yourself. Did your husband say anything about the exchange between you and MIL?
Good job for stepping up and calling your MIL on her malicious behavior. She and your “husband” are the assholes here. He needs to grow a fucking backbone.
You are not the asshole, my dear! 🌞
Seems like your husband needs to grow a set of balls. Maybe your MIL is a bitch, but regardless your husband needs to consider you and how his mother acts. Is he a momma’s boy or something? I would immediately call out my mother for that bullshit. You wouldn’t have to point it out. NTA. Your husband is by proxy.
Damn. You were way moe polite than I would have been. And your husband needs to grow a set.
Your husband has stayed silent through all of this?
GIRL.
Nope. Great you did right there and then. But your husband??? What’s wrong with him? HE needs to shut her down. Or move to another city!
NTA. You really didn’t call your MIL out in public. SHE set the scene by excluding you, and continuing to exclude you. You just countered immediately instead of waiting “for a better time.” Bad behavior needs to be corrected immediately. You did fine. Of course, your jello-spined husband needs to decide if he wants to be a husband or a boy.
And your husband has allowed this behavior to go on for 14 years? And you’re just now calling her out on it? NTA but you should have called her out on it long before now.
Your husband is an AH for never having your back. He is a spineless mama’s boy. How can you respect someone like that?! I couldn’t. His bags would be packed and he would have a one way ticket back to Mommyville.
NTA, you just matched her energy, and she definitely deserved it! But your husband needs to take his balls out of mommy’s purse and start having your back. Seems like it’s long overdue.
I’m gonna say YTA to yourself for not calling her out sooner.
Out of curiosity, what does your family do for him? Could shr ve this hateful because if your family’s treatment og him? Have you and she had a fallout at some point?
Don’t get me wrong. She’s being a wench. Your husband should have stepped up by saying, “I’m on the check with my wife”. I’m just trying to see when and where this started.
How did your husband react when she did this? Has he ever spoken on your defense, had a conversation with her, or simply walked out with you when she behaves this way?
DIVORCE
NTA, but send your piece of shit husband back to her house. he’s a serious AH for allowing her to treat you that way.
NTA… but does your husband stand up for you to his mom for her bad behavior, or does he allow it?
He seems to be part of the problem for not calling her out for her disrespect.
Do you by chance earn more money than your husband? If that’s the case, I suspect that she is super irritated by that and is trying to “put you in your place”. In any case, you are NTA and as others have said, your husband is complicit in her abhorrent behavior.