I (28f) was raised by my mother, and spent most of my childhood visiting my dad every 2 weeks and certain holidays. My dad is no longer in my life, the last time I heard from him was about 12 years ago, however the reasons for this falling out are not relevant to this post.
My dad used to tell my sisters that the reason he and my mom divorced was because of an affair that happened around the time I was conceived. He told them that he has always been suspicious that I am not his biological daughter, however it is worth noting that nothing was ever said to me directly. I look nothing like my dad and have some medical things that are genetic that don’t seem to come from either my mom or dad’s side of the family. Finally about a month ago I decided I wanted to find out. I did an ancestry kit. Last night I got the results. Not a single member of my dad’s side of the family was listed, however there were a lot of people I’d never heard of before coming from my paternal DNA side. One of those relatives shared more DNA with me than my sister. I found her on social media and got in touch with her. Turns out her dad was working at the college my mother was attending the year I was conceived. Through some deductive reasoning we discovered she was in fact my half sister and that man was my biological father. When I called my mom to ask her about this, I made it clear that I wasn’t angry, her marriage was her business and I’m just looking for answers. She claimed she had never slept with anyone outside of her marriage and that ancestry must not be very accurate. I chose not to confront her at this time. I wanted to gather more information and calm down a bit before trying to get some answers again. Then a few hours later she called me back, this time claiming that she’d had time to think about it and that she did remember being surprised about her pregnancy with me as she hadn’t been very sexually active with my dad during that time. She said she was really disturbed because she doesn’t know who that man is and is worried she was a victim. I kinda lost it at this point. I was disgusted that she was trying to make herself a victim in this situation instead of taking accountability and giving me the answers I deserve. I called her a liar and she started crying and hung up the phone. My husband says I was way too harsh with her, and I put too much pressure on her out of the blue. He says I should have been a bit more gentle with her and reassured her that I’m not angry. Maybe he’s right, but honestly I am angry so idk
Edit: For a little more context, my mom has a long history of lying compulsively. We have been working on our relationship for about a year but is almost incapable of taking accountability for the truly traumatic childhood she gave us. I’d be more inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt if it wasn’t completely in line with her character to have an affair. Plus my dad already told my sisters he knew about the affair.
Also for those who have been asking about bio dad’s position at the university, he worked in the kitchen, was not a professor. My mom was 25 at the time.
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I (28f) was raised by my mother, and spent most of my childhood visiting my dad every 2 weeks and certain holidays. My dad is no longer in my life, the last time I heard from him was about 12 years ago, however the reasons for this falling out are not relevant to this post.
My dad used to tell my sisters that the reason he and my mom divorced was because of an affair that happened around the time I was conceived. He told them that he has always been suspicious that I am not his biological daughter, however it is worth noting that nothing was ever said to me directly. I look nothing like my dad and have some medical things that are genetic that don’t seem to come from either my mom or dad’s side of the family. Finally about a month ago I decided I wanted to find out. I did an ancestry kit. Last night I got the results. Not a single member of my dad’s side of the family was listed, however there were a lot of people I’d never heard of before coming from my paternal DNA side. One of those relatives shared more DNA with me than my sister. I found her on social media and got in touch with her. Turns out her dad was working at the college my mother was attending the year I was conceived. Through some deductive reasoning we discovered she was in fact my half sister and that man was my biological father. When I called my mom to ask her about this, I made it clear that I wasn’t angry, her marriage was her business and I’m just looking for answers. She claimed she had never slept with anyone outside of her marriage and that ancestry must not be very accurate. I chose not to confront her at this time. I wanted to gather more information and calm down a bit before trying to get some answers again. Then a few hours later she called me back, this time claiming that she’d had time to think about it and that she did remember being surprised about her pregnancy with me as she hadn’t been very sexually active with my dad during that time. She said she was really disturbed because she doesn’t know who that man is and is worried she was a victim. I kinda lost it at this point. I was disgusted that she was trying to make herself a victim in this situation instead of taking accountability and giving me the answers I deserve. I called her a liar and she started crying and hung up the phone. My husband says I was way too harsh with her, and I put too much pressure on her out of the blue. He says I should have been a bit more gentle with her and reassured her that I’m not angry. Maybe he’s right, but honestly I am angry so idk
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I accused my mom of being a liar
2. I did spring big news on her out of the blue and expected an honest and genuine reply. And I was kinda mean when I didn’t get that from her.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Info: Is it possible that she was roofied and actually does not recall?
NAH. I would want more information.
NTA
I found out my “father” was really my step-father when I was about 30. My mother denied lying about it, but she absolutely did, as I had asked directly about it many times as a teen (“one of these things is not like the others…” moments) and as an adult when I found out in the military that my blood type is quite different from anyone in my immediate family.
It was my step-father that broke the news in a drunken rant.
My mother denies any wrongdoing or culpability for keeping this from me even after I asked about it directly. And she wonders why I don’t trust her to this day.
I can tell you, you have to do what feels right for you, but if getting your mother to capitulate is what it’s going to take, then give up now, because she won’t. You don’t have to put up with her crap though. She lied, and you’re on solid ground to call her on it, even if she disagrees.
For a little more context, my mom has a long history of lying compulsively. We have been working on our relationship for about a year but is almost incapable of taking accountability for the truly traumatic childhood she gave us. I’d be more inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt if it wasn’t completely in line with her character to have an affair. Plus my dad already told my sisters he knew about the affair.
ESH Isn’t it possible your mom was taken advantage of with a da*e rape drug? Unfortunately it happens all the time at college campuses (and elsewhere) and has for decades.
Got to give her credit for long term deception, covering up an affair for 28 years!
wait so your mom was possibly R*ped in uni by someone who was working there and you’re mad because she didn’t tell you that she had an affair?
YOU don’t actually know what the truth is so why are automatically saying she’s lying?
NTA. I’d be furious too. 28 years of lies and then gaslighting isn’t exactly a gentle situation. Finding out your biological father isn’t who you thought and having your mom dodge accountability is huge. You’re allowed to be upset and demand the truth. Calling her a liar might’ve been blunt, but your feelings are valid, and it sounds like she’s the one struggling to face reality here.
NTA…She lied in the face of scientific fact. Even if she wasn’t ready to confess the entire truth, there are ways to delay the conversation that don’t include blatantly lying.
NTA. I was ready to give you a whole spiel about how “lying” is too complicated a term about concealed biological parentage, but that’s a really unexpected type of lie she made.
That’s the kind of lie that scares me in people. A reactive lie. That’s a whole piece of her as a person that is BAD. It is SCARY if her immediate reaction in the face of being held accountabile for something big or scary is to LIE that big right to someone’s face.
Reflexive lying is a scary trait. I hope you take note that your mother has this behavior pattern, because then you can lessen the risk of developing it yourself.
You absolutely should call her out for this. Avoiding the subject, sugarcoating it or shutting down are much more acceptable than this.
NTA you had every right to want the truth, especially since this affects your identity, your health history, and your sense of belonging. Your mom has had almost three decades to be honest, and instead she denied, deflected, and then pivoted to a story that made her the victim rather than acknowledging what really happened. That’s deeply frustrating and hurtful. Even if you didn’t handle it perfectly in the moment, you’re not wrong for feeling angry or for calling out the lies when she kept dodging. Parents don’t get to rewrite reality and expect their kids to live with it quietly.
Definitely NTAH, your mum should be trying to placate you, also I think this needs to be a one on one conversation.
NTA
You’ve just found out some life changing news, it’s understandable that you would feel very upset about bring lied to for so long and for your mother to continue to deny when you have proof. You will probably never get a straight answer from her about this.
nta. you’re allowed to be angry, you just had your whole identity shaken and your mom keeps changing her story instead of being straight with you. maybe you snapped but calling her out doesn’t make you the asshole. she’s had 28 years to be honest, you only just found out.
NTA, I’d tread VERY carefully on the whole being positive nothing happened, but seeing as she has a history of lying, I understand your reluctance. You’re allowed to want more answers, and your mom should not be keeping this from you. Even just from a health perspective, knowing your bio family medical history is important.
NTA – It sounds like you’ve were thoughtful and non-confrontational when you reached out to your mom. Her reactions are all on her. And even if there was something bad that happened, it’s been over 28 years…the fact that she never told you is the glaring issue to me. And given what your dad told your sisters about an affair, your mom’s story doesn’t make sense. Seems that she’s just freaking out. This is NOT your fault. You don’t have any right to her story if she doesn’t want to share, but you do have every right to learn your ancestry and choose to connect to those you find in the process.
INFO- Hold up, this guy that’s potentially your bio dad was working at the university where your mom was a student? Was he a professor? Was he older than your mom? This could be a major abuse of power from your potential bio dad.
YTA
You know that she was in a abuse of power situation, that’s a fact
Soneone working at a college ( that’s not a student, hell some student working can fall into this also) can’t get with a student, it is a huge ethical and messed up thing
Even if she wasn’t roofied, she is still a victim
This is like your boss getting with you, it has huge abuse of power and is very very discouraged.
Wanting to know who your actual Father is is pretty natural. Unless your Mother has dementia or some other mental issue, she is being evasive on the topic. You deserve straight answers. NTA.
At this time and place, what’s the point of generating all this negativity?
Could mom have been roofied and/or raped? Sure, and it is possible she blocked the trauma. Could she be lying, Sure. But those lies were not likely a personal vendetta against the OP. The OP said all the daughters were traumatized.
The regain and maintain some form of serenity in the OP’s life, she needs to forgive the mom. That doesn’t let her off the hook. Rather, it releases the anger from the OP. If the OP wants to also let go of the relationship, perhaps to protect her own children, so be it. It can now be done without anger.
Forgiving does not mean forgetting. The consequences of the mom’s actions can still be enacted, or not. But no point in drinking poison and hope the other person dies.
Tread very carefully here. Your mom may have gotten blind drunk or had something given to her. This was not all that uncommon back when I was in college. And people did not have the reporting systems or other safeguards in place that there are now.
Your mom slipped on a banana peel and fell on a dick. The “banana splits”.