Throwaway.
I (20F) have been living at school for the past year, about a 45-minute drive from home. I have a scholarship that lets me live on campus. At home, I live with my mom (47F), dad (45M), and older half-sister (25F), who visits often.
Recently, my mom’s side of the family started a tradition of brunch at my aunt’s house every other Sunday, including:
- My parents
- Sister & her toddler
- My aunt (mom’s older sister) & uncle
- My cousins (around my age)
- My other aunt (mom’s younger sister)
- My grandparents
Since the brunches started, I’ve been coming home on Saturdays and staying until 5 PM on Sunday.
My mom’s known for her baking, but most people don’t realize she mostly uses boxed mixes. She’s great at decorating, but when people compliment her desserts, it’s usually about the look, not the taste. I don’t mind boxed desserts, but I prefer baking from scratch. I’ve been baking from scratch for a couple of years, and I love it.
I typically bake homemade cookies or cupcakes the night before brunch while my parents are out. My mom always brings a boxed cake she decorates. She’s never had an issue with me baking until recently.
A month ago, I brought homemade cookies to brunch, and everyone loved them. My older cousin’s girlfriend even asked for the recipe! But my mom casually mentioned, “If only you knew the mess she left behind after making those.” Everyone laughed, but I felt bad. I’m clumsy, so I thought maybe I missed a spot and apologized for giving her extra work.
Two weekends ago, I used tablecloths to protect the countertops while I baked, but my mom made the same comment that Sunday. That’s when I started to suspect she was exaggerating, so I decided to test it.
This Saturday, I baked the cookies at my best friend’s house and brought them home in a container. I hadn’t touched anything at my house.
When Sunday came, my mom made the same comment about me leaving a mess. I snapped. I was angry, so I don’t remember exactly what I said, but it was along the lines of, “Aren’t you tired of making shit up to make me look bad? I know you’re lying because I didn’t even bake these here this week.” I told everyone I baked them at my friend’s house. Silence. My mom threw a tantrum all day, saying I was disrespectful and now everyone would think of her as the “mom with the mouthy daughter.”
Afterward, my sister texted me saying I shouldn’t have said anything in front of everyone. My aunt (mom’s younger sister) messaged me saying my mom does a lot for me and I shouldn’t have made it awkward. I told them I was tired of being publicly embarrassed by my mom and that no one ever calls her out. This isn’t the first time she’s embarrassed me or my sister, and I feel like she gets satisfaction from it. Honestly, I suspect she’s jealous that people like my desserts more than hers.
Now I’m second-guessing myself. Maybe I should’ve addressed it privately instead of calling her out in front of everyone. So, AITA for calling my mom out in front of the family?
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Throwaway.
I (20F) have been living at school for the past year, about a 45-minute drive from home. I have a scholarship that lets me live on campus. At home, I live with my mom (47F), dad (45M), and older half-sister (25F), who visits often.
Recently, my mom’s side of the family started a tradition of brunch at my aunt’s house every other Sunday, including:
Since the brunches started, I’ve been coming home on Saturdays and staying until 5 PM on Sunday.
My mom’s known for her baking, but most people don’t realize she mostly uses boxed mixes. She’s great at decorating, but when people compliment her desserts, it’s usually about the look, not the taste. I don’t mind boxed desserts, but I prefer baking from scratch. I’ve been baking from scratch for a couple of years, and I love it.
I typically bake homemade cookies or cupcakes the night before brunch while my parents are out. My mom always brings a boxed cake she decorates. She’s never had an issue with me baking until recently.
A month ago, I brought homemade cookies to brunch, and everyone loved them. My older cousin’s girlfriend even asked for the recipe! But my mom casually mentioned, “If only you knew the mess she left behind after making those.” Everyone laughed, but I felt bad. I’m clumsy, so I thought maybe I missed a spot and apologized for giving her extra work.
Two weekends ago, I used tablecloths to protect the countertops while I baked, but my mom made the same comment that Sunday. That’s when I started to suspect she was exaggerating, so I decided to test it.
This Saturday, I baked the cookies at my best friend’s house and brought them home in a container. I hadn’t touched anything at my house.
When Sunday came, my mom made the same comment about me leaving a mess. I snapped. I was angry, so I don’t remember exactly what I said, but it was along the lines of, “Aren’t you tired of making shit up to make me look bad? I know you’re lying because I didn’t even bake these here this week.” I told everyone I baked them at my friend’s house. Silence. My mom threw a tantrum all day, saying I was disrespectful and now everyone would think of her as the “mom with the mouthy daughter.”
Afterward, my sister texted me saying I shouldn’t have said anything in front of everyone. My aunt (mom’s younger sister) messaged me saying my mom does a lot for me and I shouldn’t have made it awkward. I told them I was tired of being publicly embarrassed by my mom and that no one ever calls her out. This isn’t the first time she’s embarrassed me or my sister, and I feel like she gets satisfaction from it. Honestly, I suspect she’s jealous that people like my desserts more than hers.
Now I’m second-guessing myself. Maybe I should’ve addressed it privately instead of calling her out in front of everyone. So, AITA for calling my mom out in front of the family?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think calling out my mom publicly rather than discussing why she felt the need to lie about me making a mess privately might’ve been out of line as it made her and other people at the brunch uncomfortable.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
I suspect there’s more going on here. With that said, NTA. Why can’t she just be nice?
NTA, and good for you for standing up for yourself. She first get to treat you like shit just because she’s your mother
It sounds like your mom feels threatened and overshadowed by your baking, so she is behaving childishly and putting you down to make you feel bad. She needed to be called out, but you could have handled it with a little more decorum. Maybe respond with a casual comment that you baked at your friends house, so maybe the mess was from her cake instead. You should talk to your mom. Tell her how her comments make you feel. See if you can bury the hatchet and be able to bake in peace together.
NTA. Don’t let people make you feel bad for correcting lies and advocating for yourself. The next time they say something ask them what they said to your mom about her tendency to lie and shame her kids. Tell them to keep that same energy when they call her to discuss her poor behavior.
You could probably find a way to say the same thing more ‘nicely’ so folks don’t blame you later. Play the “How could I have said that differently?” game with the same scenario until you find something that’s more of a win win for you. You want her to look bad and feel stupid for being an AH. You do not want the cold calls later bitching about your behavior. You need to say it in a way so others don’t feel too guilty or embarrassed for her.
Edit. Still NTA though. She sucks.
YTA to the rest of your family. Your mother may have deserved to be called out (she sounds ridiculous and jealous), but everyone else didn’t deserve to have their brunch ruined by your fight. I would have given you a pass if it was a spontaneous thing, but you actually planned to have this out with your mother with your other relatives as a captive audience. You could have simply said that you baked the cookies elsewhere this time, and then moved on; that would have exposed your mother’s bad behaviour. And if you wanted to have a serious discussion with her about how she treats you, you should have done it another time.
NTA
I thought you would have said that at least you’re baking your own and not buying boxed cake, de orating it and passing it as home baked, lol!
Your mum is just jealous. It’s pretty pathetic from her part.
NTA
I think you need to not go to brunch for a while.
Let your family miss you.
Also, it sounds like your mother is jealous of you.
NTA. You gave her the benefit of the doubt multiple times here. I could see your mom being annoyed at you baking at her place, and using passive aggression to convey that. It’s shitty, but some people just suck at confrontation. But her still saying that even when you didn’t bake at her house changes things. It shows it’s not about you baking at her house, it’s about pure jealousy.
The only thing I would have done differently is having a game plan going into it all. You already had your suspicions, this last incident was you testing to confirm them. That means her saying this again wasn’t exactly a surprise, and you could have held the outburst in. That would have given you a chance to confront her in private afterwards. That would be a lot calmer of an environment where you could get the truth out of her and potentially resolve whatever the issue is. I don’t blame you for not going that route though.
Definitely NTA. Your mother got what she deserved.
YTA. Your mom was being obnoxious, and needling you a bit too much in front of others. But your clapback was vulgar and made you look rotten. Your response was not good. You could have responded any number of other ways with a cooler head. Simply saying “… Your messy kitchen must have been from your other daughter, since I didn’t bake these at the house.”
NTA. I’m a decade older than your mom and yup she’s the AH for making such comments. Instead of being proud of her daughter for her baking skills and propping you up in front of the family she had to let her butt hurt get in the way. For the rest of your family to get onto you for calling her out and not in the manner in which you did (that’s where you did tiptoe to the line of being an AH) leads me to wonder if your mom is what I call the thermostat family member. With their narcissistic behavior, they tend to control the climate of every family get together. It’s never what they did that created the reaction as the problem. It’s your reaction to what they did that is the problem.
She called you out publicly. I’d stay at school for a few weeks, family is great but you need other relationships too.