My (M16) mom(F35) is refusing to change her card number after my brother (M13) made around $1300 and since then more off of EBAY, TikTok Shop, and Amazon purchases. He didn’t have permission multiple days in a row now she has been crying about her he’s draining her accounts so I told her she should change her card number immediately. He refuses to own up to it even though all the packages are in his name and in his recent purchases tab.
2 weeks pass since the first few packages arrived, another four came this weekend along with about ten throughout the in between period, every time my mom had a fit about how her account may be locked due to the excessive spending and she said she can’t afford all of it. He’s buying random junk LEGO, collectibles, 3D printed items, even a 20 year old collectible rug?
We’re a well off family but in today’s economy buying anything can break the bank especially where we live so this problem needs to be addressed. Yesterday, she had another crying fit so I asked once again why she won’t change her card number. She said no. This made me upset when not even an hour later she started crying again, I had reached my breaking point and called her a nimrod, she refused to punish him and won’t do anything about it.
Me and my mother are close but our relationship is complicated, she likes my opinion on everything but this time I feel it’s really serious and if she isn’t addressing the problem that’s her own stupidity. I understand maybe i was harsh in the moment but I don’t know what else to tell her I’m tired of her complaining without actually taking action.
Am I the a-hole? I feel like I may be I don’t fully understand the process of everything so maybe there’s side effects? Please enlighten me.
Edit: Yeah I definitely messed up by calling her names. It’s just really overwhelming to be her emotional support in situations like this, it’s not the first time.
More Info: My mom doesn’t want to lock the card because she wants to file a police report, not on my brother but on an anonymous person? I told her that isn’t needed when there’s a simple solution.
I will post a small update as it goes on.
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My (M16) mom(F35) is refusing to change her card number after my brother (M13) made around $1300 dollars worth of EBAY, TikTok Shop, and Amazon purchases. He didn’t have permission multiple days in a row now she has been crying about her he’s draining her accounts so I told her she should change her card number immediately. He refuses to own up to it even though all the packages are in his name and in his recent purchases tab.
2 weeks pass since the first few packages arrived, another four came this weekend along with about ten throughout the in between period, every time my mom had a fit about how her account may be locked due to the excessive spending and she said she can’t afford all of it. He’s buying random junk LEGO, collectibles, 3D printed items, even a 20 year old collectible rug?
We’re a well off family but in today’s economy buying anything can break the bank especially where we live so this problem needs to be addressed. Yesterday, she had another crying fit so I asked once again why she won’t change her card number. She said no. This made me upset when not even an hour later she started crying again, I had reached my breaking point and called her a nimrod, she refused to punish him and won’t do anything about it.
Me and my mother are close but our relationship is complicated, she likes my opinion on everything but this time I feel it’s really serious and if she isn’t addressing the problem that’s her own stupidity. I understand maybe i was harsh in the moment but I don’t know what else to tell her I’m tired of her complaining without actually taking action.
Am I the a-hole? I feel like I may be I don’t fully understand the process of everything so maybe there’s side effects? Please enlighten me.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
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NTA Sounds like she loves to be a victim. Why not change the number, unless she likes having something to cry about and get pity.
I mean, you should have used nicer phrasing, but you absolutely do need to encourage her to change the number.
Does she think that it’s a complicated process? Does she think this would harm her in some way? I mean… it won’t. It’s incredibly easy. All she has to do is say she lost her card, and they’ll send her a new one immediately, with a new number, and the old number won’t work anymore. It’s not hard, and it would solve the problem immediately.
She’s enabling your brother’s bad behavior, and she’s going to end up in serious financial trouble if she doesn’t do something about it. This could seriously affect your finances and home life, and she needs to fix this today.
YTA.
Because calling your mom names is a no-no.
But she really needs to call the cc company for a replacement cc with new numbers though.
NTA. You reached a point of being tired of hearing about the problem. Is your dad around? Another adult she’ll listen to? As for your brother, take all his electronics and any access to the internet and kid proof them.
NTA It sounds like your mom likes playing the victim and lacks any sort of backbone whatsoever. She can probably lock her card which would prevent your brother from using it without changing the number. She should be able to unlock in from an app when she wants to use it herself. Recurring charges, such as a utility payment, would typically not be affected. If she refuses to take any action, she’ll just have to pay for your brother’s junk (another name for collectibles.)
NTA
Crying about the situation while refusing to take any steps to resolve it is going to achieve nothing and it sounds like you’ve tried gently persuading your mom to take the necessary steps to no avail, so a blunter approach was warranted
You may need to be similarly blunt with her again and whenever she tries complaining about what’s happening, tell her you’re not interested in hearing it because she refuses to try and fix it – maybe that’ll get her to pay attention, though I kinda suspect not
Has she offered any reason why she doesn’t want to have her card replaced?
NTA but you need to set some boundaries with your mom. You are also her child and you are not responsible to listen to her vent about a situation she refuses to address. Next time she complains to you, just say “sorry to hear that” and walk away. Her money, her child, her problem to fix.
NTA. Tell her one more time that if she refuses to cancel her card and get a new one ( l guess that’s what you mean by change the number) then you no longer want to hear her complaints.
Be aware that even if she does she may give your brother the new number. She seems to like being a martyr.
Nothing to do with anything, and no judgement, but l find ‘nimrod’ the weirdest term to use for a foolish person, considering it’s origin.
Why are you the parent?
“ sorry can’t help you mom, your the parent”
NTA
If you’re comfortable, sit down with your mother. Point out that your brother committed fraud – using her card without permission is fraud. He committed theft – he stole money from her purchasing goods she’ll be expected to pay for.
Tell her if she does not
—– she is setting him up to believe he is entitled to commit fraud and theft. He will do it to others – roommates, girlfriends, employers – who WILL press criminal charges. Ask her why she doesn’t love your brother enough to correct him now, instead of waiting until he’s an adult and facing criminal charges.
She may not want to report the charges as fraudulent and have to have the credit card company investigate her son, but she doesn’t need to. She can freeze the credit card to stop it being used (this can be done online with a few clicks), then request a new card with a new number. It’s a simple phone call. 5 minutes.
She can then return most of the online purchases for refund (insist that Brother help her) and re-sell any that can’t be returned (again, insist that brother help her). Ebay may not refund the money, Amazon will, I don’t know about Tiktok shop.
I think she should place Brother on an Internet diet until he makes reparations for any items that can’t be returned out of his allowance or any money gifts he receives, or by doing extra chores for a specified rate of pay.
Side-effects of changing a credit card number are minimal. You’re without a credit card for a few days while they mail you the new card and must pay at stores with cash or check. If one has regular bills that are being auto-paid by credit card, one has to call or go online and give them the new credit card number. It’s straightforward. Your mom has already spent more time crying than it would take to take effective action.
Whether or not your mom will take action against your brother, please take some action yourself:
NTA
NTA. You need to make plans to keep your money and personal items secure from your brother who is a thief. If he steals from mom, he will steal from you.
NTA, my brother did this when he was 4, and now all my moms cards are password locked
If she files a police report they will investigate and they will see it was your brother. She is a nimrod.
Tell your grandparents and aunts. They’ll shame her into it.
NTA
NTA. She needs to lock the card, change the number, get your brother in check. If she files a police report, it’ll get traced back to your brother. They won’t find a random person, because it’s him. But sure if that’s the route she wants to go… yeah, I guess that’s easier
Thank you, I haven’t heard nimrod in years and it’s one of my favorites. If I did what your mom did, my son would call me a lot worse. NTA
Your mom (35) wants your(16) opinion on everything? No offense, OP, but that’s a problem with her judgment and too stressful for you, quite frankly.
Don’t call her names, but honestly maybe go with her to the police and tell them it’s your brother. The first thing they’ll tell her is to lock the fucking card anyway.
By all means, call the police. Do it now before the anonymous thief steals any more. Pray that the police somehow figure out what happened.
She just has to report the CC lost or stolen and be done with it. Also she needs to grab EVERY package that comes in and send it back for a refund. THEN she needs to enforce some serious consequences on your brother, but NONE of this is really your problem. Give her this advice and then if she cries to you again you just repeat, “I gave you my advice. I can’t discuss this anymore with you” and walk away / hang up the phone.
If she doesn’t want to file a police report: she can lock the card (so no more transactions can be done) and then report it missing. Theyll send her a new digital card pretty much immediately while the physical copy arrives in the mail. No police report, no falsely saying the charges amounts were theft, etc. If she gives her card away again then wtv.
Honestly, your brother should suffer some consequence to correct his behavior. She’s the one that has to realize that she’s making your brother a HUGE disservice by enabling his bad behavior. She’s setting him up for failure by allowing him to become a thief.
Kids do not suddenly grow out of things when they hit 18. Who you are at 13 is basically who you’ll be in your adulthood if your bad behaviors aren’t corrected.
NTA. Ur mom’s kinda bringin this on herself at this point. Like, how hard is it to just cancel the card?? U prob shouldn’t have called her a nimrod but honestly I get it lol, I’d lose my mind too.
Your brother steals so your mum’s response is to commit fraud by claiming some anonymous person stole her card? And what, bought a load of Lego with it and sent it to her home? This isn’t going to end well.
NTA. She just wants to continue to be a victim. I agree with those who say don’t entertain her dramatic performance of crying if she’s not willing to take the action to close the card off and exact some consequences for your brother. And filing a police report for anyone other than your brother is going to get her laughed out of the police station. And if the orders are for him, he must be an authorized user on the card. She’s got no one to blame but herself. Quit your bitchin nimrod.
So it sounds like your mom is hoping to scam the credit card company. Make sure that she understands that filing a false police report is a felony (at least here in the US) and she could be arrested and depending on how much your brother has charged she could face jail time.
Here is how the police will see it. The number was used to make purchases. Your mother was aware but didn’t call the credit card company. The packages are being sent to her house. Now she wants to file a police report claiming that a stranger used her credit card. The police will ask …Why would a stranger make purchases with her credit card and send them to HER house?
IF this is a true story please don’t let her file that police report. The police are going to immediately see through her scam and it won’t go well for her. Even if she gets probation for the multiple felonies having a felony conviction on her record will follow her for years.
She needs to call the cc company and report unauthorized use IMMEDIATELY and then start returning your brother’s purchases. Anything she doesn’t return she will have to pay for.
NTA.
You shouldn’t have to be the adult here. Let her know her that her trying to file a police report blaming someone else, when she is well aware it isn’t is a CRIME!
Since she is aware who the culprit is, and is doing nothing to prevent it, she is 100% liable for the charges.
NTA. She fully understands and knows that he made the purchases and for whatever reason she is choosing to do nothing. You have given her all the advice that you can. The police report will go no where, the charges will stand and your mother will continue to do nothing by wail about it. I would stop engaging. If she comes to you again I would recommended to only respond that you have told her she needs to change the card number and disengage.
NTA
You should point out to her (and to your brother) that, if she does go to the police and it turns out to be your brother, she will not be able to choose to not press charges because, technically, she is the not the victim. The credit card company is. And they will press charges.
NTA and your relationship with your mom sounds like mine at that age, which is to say enmeshed. She shouldn’t be coming to you for advice (especially if she’s not going to listen anyway) and this could even be emotional incest.
YTA. Calling your mom names is disrespectful and inappropriate. And you shouldnt be dictating what she needs to do. She should change the number, but you’re the a hole.
Im a geezer and I’m dying. A teen more money savy than the parent. I mean if the nimrod doesn’t do anything. The name fits. However. You are a teen and most parents wouldn’t be to happy to hear that.
Your mommy is the enabler. Not holding her own kid accountable is disgraceful. I see where he learns his ways as your mommy wants to blame someone else. That’s disgusting. Your mom’s actions are disturbing.
Where is your father in all this?
“My mom doesn’t want to lock the card because she wants to file a police report, not on my brother but on an anonymous person?”
So, is she waiting till it comes to a certain dollar amount before she calls the police? Like in a felony charge?
Is she hoping the bank won’t look into her account?
Is she hoping they won’t look at where the items were ordered and delivered?
Is she hoping the bank doesn’t have the technology to find the device used to order the items she is claiming were fraudulent?
Does she hoping the bank and police are stupid and will just give her her money back because she filed a report?
Does she really believe there will be no consequences to her fraudulent claim?
If she isn’t held responsible then your brother will be when they find out there was no “anonymous” person.
Your mother is beyond being a nimrod, she may actually be stupid.
NTA. I am not sure why everyone is telling you what your mom needs to do since you posted very clearly that you told your mom what to do. Which was the same thing everyone else is telling you to do.
Why isn’t she returning these items? And, is she trying to turn you against your brother?
Info: based on your edit.
Your mom knows it was your brother that used her card.
Does she want to submit a police report against him anonymously? (Which hes a minor it could fall on the parents for not monitoring their activities)
Or does she want to accuse a random stranger of the crime? (Which tbh is a crime its self to submit a false police report)
It doesn’t make a lot of sense.
ESH – calling names is never okay, and often sends the person into immediate defense. They won’t hear a word you say after that.
But for your mom – Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me (her). She has no room to complain if she isn’t fixing the problem. And crying about it will do nothing. Your brother needs help, he may be going through something and coping with making impulse purchases. Everyone needs some help!
Your mom could also get in trouble for filing a false police report if she knows who it is.
Your mother is worse than a nimrod. She is Stupid! By allowing your brother to continue this she is allowing it to happen. And she needs to be talking to someone else and not a child.
You can call the card company yourself and say you found a card…blah blah….Most companies have a policy that they automatically shut down the card and replace it then notify the card holder. 🤷🏻♀️ nothing she can do then
As for the nonsense about using an anonymous person to blame with the police – your mom is not very smart I guess 🤣 that is not gonna fly. Regardless of how people portray cops, I can assure you at least that CREDIT CARD companies are not that dumb. They want their money.
This isn’t your problem. It’s between your mum and little brother.
Soft YTA for calling your mom names.
The reason for the name calling makes her a big time AH. I guess the reason the card company didn’t text her to verify the charges was the purchases were sent to her house.
If any purchase honestly made looks suspicious, the card company will automatically decline the transaction until I answer their text for verification. If I say yes, card is automatically unlocked and I need to try the purchase again. If I say no, the account is automatically closed and reopened with a new account number with the correct limit, balance, previous pending charges and all that other good stuff. No police involved.
Show this thread to your mom. It might help explaining to her that she needs to have the card company change her card number. She doesn’t need to involve the police.
Apparently, the card is being sneaked out of her wallet. Hopefully, she’s not giving a 13 year old her credit card. If he’s sneaking the card out of her wallet, suggest she lock her wallet, purse, credit card(s), money in some sort of lock box and hide the key somewhere a 13 year old boy won’t want to look. Her tampon box ought to do the trick.
When you say your family is well off, what do you mean by that? Because when I think of a family that is well off, $1,000 seems like a drop in the bucket. I’m not well off at all, and 1,000 to me is and isn’t a lot of money. It would suck to have 1,000 taken from me, but it wouldn’t really like, make my life that much easier if someone gave me 1,000 as well. So I’m trying to figure out from context what negative effect adding $1,000 in debt could have on your family.
Besides that, I tink the bigger issue is your brother stealing from your mother. Are you sure your mother isn’t crying because of that as opposed to the actual financial cost? Such as each new package being a reminder that her son has stolen from her and used her card without permission?
If she truly didn’t approve the purchases, she has an obligation to call the credit card company as soon as it is discovered.
Ntah. Even if she wants to file a police report, the first step is to contact the credit card company and dispute the charges. The company will immediately shut down that card and send her a new one.
Do you have another adult that you can talk to about this? Aunt, uncle, grandparents? Maybe one of your mothers friends? Coming from another adult might help her see reason.
Your mom is being a doormat. So, her response to her son stealing her CC is to… do nothing except cry?
Her refusing to cancel/change the number because she wants to file a police report makes no sense. The one has nothing to do with the other.
Your brother is going to get worse and worse at this rate, if he’s like this now what’s he going to be like when he’s 16 or 18?
Soft YTA for name calling. She can look into her bank and see if she can just lock the card rather than cancelling the number. Some people have auto payments that they may not want to change although quite frankly I would be with you and tell her she should cancel the card if she can. If I were her I’d also make little brother return the items he bought for refunds wherever possible. If he doesn’t face consequences he will continue to do it.
She can lock the card and still file a police report, she’s not super smart!
NTA
She should change the card number or just be quiet about it.
NTA – She’s being an idiot and it’s wildly inappropriate for her to use you as an emotional support person/therapist. You’re a kid.
NTA idec about the nimrod comment because frankly, she IS being a nimrod! trying to file it as an anonymous person is never going to work, does she not think they’ll look into it? be so for real lol. it’s very obvious it’s your brother buying these things, so at the VERY LEAST whatever he can purchase on needs to be taken and all her info needs to be removed. he shouldn’t have access to the account information in the first place.
as someone who’s cousin accidentally spent over $3k on amazon (she was like 4 at the time) the police are gonna tell your mom to politely pound sand.
EDIT: changed should to shouldn’t