AITA for calling my stepmom an abusive person because she keeps bringing up my biomom?

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My biomom abandoned me (M16) when I was 10 and my dad (M40) married my stepmom (F30) shortly after that. She has essentially been my mom (much better than my actual mom!) for the past 5 years and I love her and I know that she loves me. However every time we have an argument about anything at some point she brings up my biomom and how biomom abandoned me and how she is the one that raised me and bluh bluh. It always makes me angry and I suspect she knows that and that’s why she does it. Yesterday when she brought her up again I just burst and called her an abusive psycho. Now she’s not talking to me and is ignoring me. I hate it when she does that but I’m not sure if I should feel guilty or not. AITA?

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  1. AutoModerator Avatar

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    My biomom abandoned me (M16) when I was 10 and my dad (M40) married my stepmom (F30) shortly after that. She has essentially been my mom (much better than my actual mom!) for the past 5 years and I love her and I know that she loves me. However every time we have an argument about anything at some point she brings up my biomom and how biomom abandoned me and how she is the one that raised me and bluh bluh. It always makes me angry and I suspect she knows that and that’s why she does it. Yesterday when she brought her up again I just burst and called her an abusive psycho. Now she’s not talking to me and is ignoring me. I hate it when she does that but I’m not sure if I should feel guilty or not. AITA?

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    OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:

    > I called my stepmom an abusive psycho because she always brings up my biomom. I don’t know if she does it intentionally or not.

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  3. Clumsy_Kittehhh Avatar

    I think it wasn’t fair to lash at her like that, you should have reflected your frustration with just an understanding and loving manner and I think she would’ve understood, shes taking care of you so she probably fears abandonment, if she knew its a matter you get uncomfortable about she shouldn’t have brought it up several times obviously as well, I’d say NTA it was mostly an emotional outburst and nothing that cannot be fixed, clear communications and putting love above everything else solves everything in this world

  4. ScarletNotThatOne Avatar

    NTA. She was fighting dirty and you called her out on it.

    When this blows over, I suggest that you talk to her about it calmly. Explain that when you two have differences, you would appreciate it if she doesn’t use your abandonment history as a weapon against you. That it really hurts you. Good luck.

  5. Specialist-Owl2660 Avatar

    ESH

    Your mom is being ridiculous but calling her a abusive psycho is also not great.

    If it helps MANY moms will pull guilt cards. My mother lost her mom at 13 so her card was:

    “At least YOU have a mom! I don’t! You should be more grateful you have one!”

    Are either my mom’s argument fair or your mom’s? No, but name calling especially to the degree in which you did is not the proper response. Now your a teen and you are learning and have a whole lot of emotions going through you right now but I would apologize for the name calling and assure her that you love her. If the argument gets brought up again instead of calling her names I would answer, “Yeah, your right she’s not here and you’re here and I love you but that doesn’t mean you get to treat me badly.” In general using that help diffuse a lot of my mom’s guilt card when she threw it at me.

    Don’t name call, when you do apologize and know that whether the mom is bio or not tons of fellow teens have to deal with mom “guilt cards.” Hang in there kiddo these years can be rough with a mom sometimes.

  6. parodytx Avatar

    ESH, more so her for the manipulation but also you for what you said.

    That said, it’s a d*ck move to bring that up in an argument. You may need to calmly point out that if she keeps doing this, it will only push you away and you will not be in their lives once you are 18. Bring your dad into the conversation and get everyone to agree to stop bringing this guilt nonsense.

    IF you WANT to make an argument, you owe no-one ANYTHING for raising you. That is literally the LAW for your bio-parents, and one step-mom signed up for when she married dad. So if you REALLY want to burn some bridges, you can bring THAT up in an argument and see her reaction.

  7. Active-Permission360 Avatar

    NTA because you’re literally a child. she should not be going out of her way to hurt you and she should not be giving you the silent treatment. when your child has an outburst, its your responsibility as the adult to shoulder that and figure out why and to make adjustments. i’m sure she feels hurt by what you said, but you were NOT wrong to call her out for mean, manipulative behavior. she’s known you since you were a little boy and knows you were abandoned by your biomom; she’s an adult and should realize how sensitive that is for you, and that by withholding and giving you silent treatment, she aggravates wounds in you she has no business doing.

    you could have been nicer to her and its behooves you to learn to communicate more clearly with everyone in your life as you become an adult, but right now you are a literal child. you are not the asshole and you have a right to stick up for yourself. if you feel you want to apologize for how you said it, proceed according to your conscience. but absolutely feel no guilt or shame for holding the boundary that she ought not bring up your mom or that she’s raised you. she has no right to do that. and frankly… raising children is SUPPOSED to be thankless and done for the welfare of the child without any expectation, ever. so she’s off base for that, too.

  8. QL58 Avatar

    Talk to your Dad, let him know how her words make you feel. Emotional/ mental manipulation is not ok. ESH

  9. Short-Pineapple-3023 Avatar

    NTA

    It is mentally and emotionally abusive for anyone to weaponize your pain and martyr themselves in arguments. And as a parent, giving you the silent treatment is not an appropriate reaction.

    I’d recommend asking for a calm sit-down with your dad and stepmom so you can talk it out directly. But you also deserve support for yourself, separate from them. You can talk to them about therapy. Additionally, if you ever feel overwhelmed, try Teen Line (310-855-4673 or text TEEN to 839863) or 988 if you’re in crisis. Talking with someone outside the situation can really help you sort through the emotions and get perspective.

  10. feminist1946 Avatar

    NTA. None of this is your fault. You didn’t do anything. It was your biomom that abandoned you. Your stepmom is emotionally abusing you. Talk to your dad about it. You have no power except to explode. He has to make some rules for her behavior toward you.

  11. AndNothingHurt52 Avatar

    ESH. She shouldn’t be bringing her up if she knows it bothers you but you need to communicate that in a clear, calm manner.

  12. dinsnorin Avatar

    NTA for telling her it isn’t normal to throw that at you, because it isn’t. She may be better than biomom but you don’t hold that over someone’s head if you care about them. If you feel she really does care about you, ask if she will do family therapy with you

  13. MayhemWins25 Avatar

    NTA her saying that to you is pretty messed up. I know you say you have a good relationship otherwise but how frequently does this happen? And how often does she give you the silent treatment like that? Neither of those are okay behavior to have towards a kid

  14. kipsterdude Avatar

    NTA. Anyone that uses traumatic info from someone’s past is automatically an AH. That is information to understand more about someone and never something to be weaponized.

  15. WhydIJoinRedditAgain Avatar

    NTA but “abusive” is a harsh term for what is happening.

    “Hey stepmom, I am sorry for calling you abusive. That was going too far. It deeply hurts me when you bring up my mother when we have an argument or disagreement. It really gets at a lot of hurt feeling and fears that I have. I would appreciate it if you stopped doing that.”

  16. DestructoDon69 Avatar

    Alright bud. You’re NTA but also YTA. My bio mom didn’t abandon me but I did have a stepmom who helped raise me and overall was an amazing mother. Not to say she was perfect but who is. Let’s just say one afternoon when I was a bit younger than you we got in a heated argument that resulted in me leaving the house, her following me and me yelling “fuck you” at her from the front yard for the whole neighborhood to witness.

    Now was she being unreasonable at the time? Yes. Was my anger justifiable? Yes
    That being said it wasn’t the right way to handle things and it certainly didn’t help. It hurt her feelings and of course I naturally got in trouble with my dad for being an asshole.

    Part of growing up is learning to control your emotions and addressing issues calmly, especially when you’re not in the wrong because letting your emotions turn into outbursts can quickly go from you being the victim to the asshole.

  17. Defiant_Let_268 Avatar

    NTA. OP loves her and feels like her natural daughter and that speaks well of stepmom. But in this aspect she’s not great, that she’s a mean fighter when she pulls that bc she wants to win the argument by hurting you. It’s not ok, and I’d suggest family counseling if it continues. 

  18. Adventurous-Term5062 Avatar

    NTA. That is an immature and abusive thing for her to say.

  19. AnotherBogCryptid Avatar

    The last time my first stepmother said anything about my mother, she wound up in the ER with a nosebleed and a concussion. I was 12. Was it the right thing to do? Probably not. But she never said another thing about my mother (she found other ways to be abusive). Mind you this is the same woman who called me a pig and hit me in the head repeatedly with a hairbrush because my afro was tangled in the morning and no one taught me to use a bonnet until I was in college.

    Step parents have ZERO rights to speak negatively about biological parents. Especially not to try to guilt trip you into appreciating them – and that’s not even what she was really doing here. She was emotionally abusing you to shut you down. It’s a dirty way to fight when it’s two adults – it’s DISGUSTING that she’s doing this to a literal child.

    Tell you dad. Tell your teacher. Tell your therapist if you have one. Absolutely do not engage with this woman, it’s not your job to teach her how to regulate her emotions and treat people with respect and kindness

  20. Economy_Koala4420 Avatar

    NTA. Time for a compromise. She stops bringing up biomom and you’ll stop calling her an abusive psycho.

  21. Jack_Stuart_M23 Avatar

    NTA. That was very mean of you to call her a psycho, and perhaps a rather detrimental thing to do, but it’s not like you are wrong about that. It’s definitely abusive.