My brother is the kind of person that wants everyone else to know that he is different. He reads a lot of self-help books, he goes to gym and is very obsessed with it. And that’s honestly great for him (he had a bit of a problematic growing up where he wasted a lot of his life drinking and partying, to the point where my parents thought he would never make anything of himself but he did and kudos to him). Thing is he is constantly putting everyone down, criticizing everyone that is slightly different from him.
Like for example I do stained glass as a hobby, just something that I’ve learned to do, I’ve accomplished doing a lamp shade all from a stained glass pattern and was pretty happy with the results. I shared this privately with my family on signal (I have no social media), and all he had to say (which is no news to me) is if I am going to sell it for profit (I was probably just going to gift it to my mom) and if not then what is even the point of doing this. He just kind of mocks me and then just says what is the point if it is not about bettering one self. Mind you, I run regularly, I am a vegetarian (just like him), I feel like I am mindful about bettering myself, just not as much as I should according to him.
He has a wife and a 6 month old baby but for the past few months he has decided he is done with all the junk at his house, he got rid of their TV, their couch, their dining table, gave away all their plants, basically anything at his house that he deemed as junk. Today he woke up and decided that even their car is bothering him (he has passionate arguments about how everyone should get rid of their cars). He went meeting with a potential buyer.
And look this would all be FINE, if it was an agreement between him and his wife. But my SIL had literally no part in any of these decisions. He just decides what he wants to do and then throws a fit until he gets what he wants. My SIL is very unhappy about him getting rid of the car, she does not think it is a good idea. And she is completely ignored because all he ever sees is what he wants. She vented all this to me. And that’s what annoyed the hell out of me. So yes, I did meddle a bit and called him out and called him a narcissist that only cares about himself. He cares more about showing everyone else, complete strangers, around him that he is far superior to them then he does about his own wife’s opinions and feelings. I’ve known him for years, I know exactly how he works, he thinks that people will see what he is doing and say “hey this guy knows what he is doing, he is doing things right” but other people just don’t care and that makes him angry and frustrated.
My mom is very nonchalant about this (women’s wishes and opinions being ignored and disrespected well that is just so normal, who cares). She doesn’t agree with him but doesn’t think it warranted such outrage from my part. I did meddle a bit into someone else’s life and probably shouldn’t. So idk
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My brother is the kind of person that wants everyone else to know that he is different. He reads a lot of self-help books, he goes to gym and is very obsessed with it. And that’s honestly great for him (he had a bit of a problematic growing up where he wasted a lot of his life drinking and partying, to the point where my parents thought he would never make anything of himself but he did and kudos to him). Thing is he is constantly putting everyone down, criticizing everyone that is slightly different from him.
Like for example I do stained glass as a hobby, just something that I’ve learned to do, I’ve accomplished doing a lamp shade all from a stained glass pattern and was pretty happy with the results. I shared this privately with my family on signal (I have no social media), and all he had to say (which is no news to me) is if I am going to sell it for profit (I was probably just going to gift it to my mom) and if not then what is even the point of doing this. He just kind of mocks me and then just says what is the point if it is not about bettering one self. Mind you, I run regularly, I am a vegetarian (just like him), I feel like I am mindful about bettering myself, just not as much as I should according to him.
He has a wife and a 6 month old baby but for the past few months he has decided he is done with all the junk at his house, he got rid of their TV, their couch, their dining table, gave away all their plants, basically anything at his house that he deemed as junk. Today he woke up and decided that even their car is bothering him (he has passionate arguments about how everyone should get rid of their cars). He went meeting with a potential buyer.
And look this would all be FINE, if it was an agreement between him and his wife. But my SIL had literally no part in any of these decisions. He just decides what he wants to do and then throws a fit until he gets what he wants. My SIL is very unhappy about him getting rid of the car, she does not think it is a good idea. And she is completely ignored because all he ever sees is what he wants. She vented all this to me. And that’s what annoyed the hell out of me. So yes, I did meddle a bit and called him out and called him a narcissist that only cares about himself. He cares more about showing everyone else, complete strangers, around him that he is far superior to them then he does about his own wife’s opinions and feelings. I’ve known him for years, I know exactly how he works, he thinks that people will see what he is doing and say “hey this guy knows what he is doing, he is doing things right” but other people just don’t care and that makes him angry and frustrated.
My mom is very nonchalant about this (women’s wishes and opinions being ignored and disrespected well that is just so normal, who cares). She doesn’t agree with him but doesn’t think it warranted such outrage from my part. I did meddle a bit into someone else’s life and probably shouldn’t. So idk
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) called my brother a narcissist and told him some other stuff that was a bit unpleasant (2) my mom says I overreacted and meddled into a situation that should be resolved between a couple
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA
I don’t know if your brother is a narcissist. He has issues of some kind, though.
He deserved to get called out, mind, but getting rid of all of his stuff? Not sure what that is.
NTA. Tell him that only someone deeply insecure with who they are currently is this obsessed with “bettering” themselves. Like, if you have to try THIS hard to be better, then how shitty of a person are you now??
NTA but he’s not going to change. I’m honestly concerned about your SIL. Throwing out their belongings without her permission is a major red flag. Does she have an exit plan?
INFO: Did you mention his wife or that she talked to you in the family group chat?
I don’t think you’re qualified to diagnose him? Anyway, “you’re a self-absorbed AH” and “you might have a problem and need to see a therapist to learn living with it without hurting people around you” are different things, and if he really needs help, simply calling him out antagonistically probably isn’t going to get him there. If it’s not what you really think, just tell him he neglected a huge part in his self-improvement plan 🙂
NTA but I doubt you’re getting where you want with this, unless it’s simply “to vent”.
Your brother sounds like a fuckwit, NTA
Op brother the AH and I would call him out on anything he says. This environment and attitude is not good for SIL and baby. She also needs to put her foot down if he still disrespects, then she’d be better getting out now. No one deserves that. She won’t be happy. Resentful, probably.
SIL nothing but gum on bottom of shoe and that’s putting lightly.
Sometimes dads go through postpartum issues too and throwing out very reasonable nornal things as “junk” makes me think the new baby has tripped up something in his head. He probably needs to talk to someone because that behavior is really not normal.
YTA for using psychiatric terminology to insult someone who isn’t diagnosed. It adds to unhelpful stigma.
Yes cluster B disorders are absolutely horrible to live with for the people around them, but no that doesn’t justify using the labels to condemn people.
I have ASPD and BPD with some NPD traits (all cluster B disorders tend to overlap to some degree).
Your brother’s actions are definitely abnormal, and could indeed be pathological, and THAT is worth flagging. I didn’t get diagnosed until I was 36, and it gave me so much more context for understanding my life. One thing that hurt a lot though was when people would say ‘I always thought you might be’ but hadn’t told me. It was a bolt from the blue for me.
So I’m all in favour of you telling him you think he might have NPD, though if he does, direct criticism will just be deflected, it’s not a helpful approach if you want real results.
More appropriate would be you describing how his actions are harmful to you and others, and how you perceive them. Lay out clear boundaries and express what you see as reasonable, rather than just describing that he is not.
NTA. You didn’t meddle. You were involved by his wife. The wife that he disregarded and who is probably more miserable than you know. Your brother has serious issues. I don’t know what his wife loved about him but I bet it’s dead or dying quickly. But now that she has a baby she’ll stay longer and take the bs smh. I despise people who want to be unique so badly. If you have to put others down to feel better then you’re not that great. He needed to be told.
I can’t help but notice that he’s removing a lot of the comforts that his wife would use/need while she’s laboring at home with the baby. TV to watch while sorting laundry, breastfeeding, etc . . . couch to sit on while holding baby or napping . . . table to eat at comfortably/large surface to spread out and organize items. Plants are one thing, but if he’s removing all the normal human items one would need when they are stuck home all day, it seems very . . . punitive.
NTA but he sounds like he is abusive to his wife and child. The last time I heard of someone getting rid of their TV and dining table, it came out they had a gambling problem.
Why is he isolating his wife and child? Why can’t they have house plants? Is anything that could bring joy to his wife allowed at all?
The top reasons to get rid of these things are mania and money. He needs therapy and his wife needs an exit plan and some independence.
It sounds like your brother may have an undiagnosed mental problem and does need help, though if he is unable to understand that he is making strange and negative life-altering decisions for others, that will be difficult right now.
I would focus less on trying to change his perception of himself and more on helping your SIL remove herself and her baby from an increasingly bad situation. From his pattern of behavior as you’ve described, there is almost zip chance of their relationship and life together drastically improving.
She and her baby need help just as much as he does, but right now it needs to be in getting out of this controlling, toxic relationship.
Find out if she has family or friends she can find help with besides yourself. If not, try to get her moved to a shelter that will provide her with safety and resources during this crisis. She is literally trapped in that home.
NTA