So, I (24F) have been friends with Alex (40M) for over 4 years now. Age gap might look weird but it’s something pretty common in the Balkans haha.
Alex has been dating Val (40F) on and off for almost 4 years. As long as I’ve known him I’ve seen him get in and out of a relationship with her. Every time he was back with her he was looking for ways to fool around with other women because as he claimed “they were not serious anyway and he felt pressured to be free”.
I was hanging out with both of them and I started liking Val. The last few months we have been hanging out, the two of us, since we both kind of need to hang out with another girl to chat and get away a bit. At some point they broke up. Again. For the 100th time. I kept hanging out with Alex, as usual but now I was also Val’s friend. I made it clear with Alex that he’s my priority as a friend and I don’t wanna hurt him by hanging out with his ex so if he was uncomfortable with it, I wouldn’t do it. He thanked me and told me it was completely fine. So me and Val kept hanging out.
As friends, and girls talk, she kept telling me she felt very manipulated in the relationship and that she was exhausted from him being unsure of her for 4 years.
It’s now Easter and Alex and Val were supposedly broken up. Again. I was hanging out with Alex and his friends and Val texted me to ask if I wanted to have a drink later. I agreed and told Alex as an fyi.
I meet again with Alex the next day. I was very mad and mentally exhausted because of my own personal reasons. I was just ranting to him about my problems and kinda laughing about it too. At some point in the middle of the conversation he told me they slept together. Again.
So, because of my already built up anger I went off at him about how they should decide what they’re doing, that he has been tormenting her all these years and if she did what his manipulative ex was doing to him years ago then he would be all over her, so he should appreciate her being there for him at his worst. It was honestly a blur and I don’t remember much of what I said. He was clearly uncomfortable and quietly left when I was talking to another friend.
I texted to apologize for the way I talked to him and lashing out at him. He said it was okay and that he probably deserved it. We kinda left it there and didn’t talk about it again.
Last night Val called me to go out for a drink and she also invited him. He started going off at her over text and as Val informed me, the whole day he has been complaining about me to her. He told her that was I said to him was HER words and that’s she’s been putting words in my mouth and poisoning the relationship whilst putting others in the middle. He said that I’ve been distant and that she stole me, HIS friend, from him by trash talking to me. So when she invited him he just told her that he should have fun with her new friend and whatever mean thing he could think of.
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So, I (24F) have been friends with Alex (40M) for over 4 years now. Age gap might look weird but it’s something pretty common in the Balkans haha.
Alex has been dating Val (40F) on and off for almost 4 years. As long as I’ve known him I’ve seen him get in and out of a relationship with her. Every time he was back with her he was looking for ways to fool around with other women because as he claimed “they were not serious anyway and he felt pressured to be free”.
I was hanging out with both of them and I started liking Val. The last few months we have been hanging out, the two of us, since we both kind of need to hang out with another girl to chat and get away a bit. At some point they broke up. Again. For the 100th time. I kept hanging out with Alex, as usual but now I was also Val’s friend. I made it clear with Alex that he’s my priority as a friend and I don’t wanna hurt him by hanging out with his ex so if he was uncomfortable with it, I wouldn’t do it. He thanked me and told me it was completely fine. So me and Val kept hanging out.
As friends, and girls talk, she kept telling me she felt very manipulated in the relationship and that she was exhausted from him being unsure of her for 4 years.
It’s now Easter and Alex and Val were supposedly broken up. Again. I was hanging out with Alex and his friends and Val texted me to ask if I wanted to have a drink later. I agreed and told Alex as an fyi.
I meet again with Alex the next day. I was very mad and mentally exhausted because of my own personal reasons. I was just ranting to him about my problems and kinda laughing about it too. At some point in the middle of the conversation he told me they slept together. Again.
So, because of my already built up anger I went off at him about how they should decide what they’re doing, that he has been tormenting her all these years and if she did what his manipulative ex was doing to him years ago then he would be all over her, so he should appreciate her being there for him at his worst. It was honestly a blur and I don’t remember much of what I said. He was clearly uncomfortable and quietly left when I was talking to another friend.
I texted to apologize for the way I talked to him and lashing out at him. He said it was okay and that he probably deserved it. We kinda left it there and didn’t talk about it again.
Last night Val called me to go out for a drink and she also invited him. He started going off at her over text and as Val informed me, the whole day he has been complaining about me to her. He told her that was I said to him was HER words and that’s she’s been putting words in my mouth and poisoning the relationship whilst putting others in the middle. He said that I’ve been distant and that she stole me, HIS friend, from him by trash talking to me. So when she invited him he just told her that he should have fun with her new friend and whatever mean thing he could think of.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
TL; DR – after 2nd paragraph, we know most of what we need. You may consider yourself validated, but why go on and on, when the question is succinct?
NTA. The age gap is the least of your worries here, especially since Alex has the emotional maturity of a 20-year-old. I say you and Val should continue being friends and tell him to take a hike.
Nta. This guy sounds exhausting drain on women in his life. He just didn’t like being called out and wanted to blame anyone else but himself.
NTA, alex’s actions are the central problem. he’s creating drama and trying to control the narrative instead of taking responsibility for his own behavior.
Mmm I don’t necessarily think you’re TA, but you should probably stay out of this one. They seem pretty toxic, and that usually goes both ways, without one being 100% responsible.
YTA stay out of their relationship. You can listen as a friend and refrain from giving your two cents or advice. Alex has every right to feel hurt and like he’s lost his friend to his on-off girlfriend. Men tend to keep their feelings to themselves, so you probably haven’t heard his side of the story. Relationships are complex. You don’t have a clear understanding of what has happened between them and it’s none of your business. You’re being a bad friend to Alex. You also spoke out of anger and frustration when you were having a bad day. Would you have said what you did with a clear mind? You owe Alex an apology, especially if you want to salvage your friendship, but first and foremost to be a better human.
Dont you love a toxic relationship..
NTA, but this is their deal. They’re both adults. There isn’t any clear indication of abuse in the relationship. So steer clear of it. He is very immature in the way he relates to her. Which makes sense as he’s friends with a much younger you. The norm or not where you are, I’d expand your friendships to more people at your stage in life, and put some distance between this pair.
NTA but Val should know what she’s signing up for every time she goes back to him. It’s been 4 years, wasting her time in him is a choice.
Is he even a good person to be close to? I find those people exhausting and moraly reprehensible and in no way worthy of my time and attention, but you do you.
NAH
You’re in a lovely triangle without the love.
You’re minimizing the age gap, but that’s the biggest issue here. There’s a lot of life experience in that 16 yrs. YTA, but only until you learn more about how people work. Your heart was in the right place. You realized you messed up and apologized. I think THEY should realize that’s what they get for having a much younger friend and forgive you.
NTA- yeah they have to figure this out. They are adults in there 40’s no longer teenagers. It’s time for them to grow up a bit.