My husband (35M) and I (35F) were at my in-laws for dinner. Our two toddler daughters (3F and 2F) were there too, along with my husband’s parents, his sister, her husband, and their daughter.
My husband and I have been together for nearly 20 years and married for 8. We have a pretty fun and loving relationship, but we’re different when it comes to confrontation — I avoid it like the plague, while he’s totally comfortable with it (not that he seeks it out, he’s just not fazed by it).
During dinner, the adults were sitting at one table and the kids were at another. At some point, my eldest came over to our table wanting more food. She stood on a chair to look at what was left. My husband, in a playful tone, said, “Whoa, look at that tummy,” while rubbing her little pot belly — which was sticking out a bit because she had just eaten.
For context, my husband is an amazing dad. He’s playful, affectionate, and absolutely adores our girls. I know he didn’t mean anything malicious.
Still, without thinking, I said, “Uhhh, you probably shouldn’t say comments like that.” It was a knee-jerk reaction — one of those moments where your mouth moves before your brain catches up. I wasn’t trying to scold him publicly; it honestly just slipped out.
My husband immediately got defensive and asked me to explain what I meant. I fumbled trying to respond, getting more flustered as everyone at the table stared at us. He was getting more irritated with my unclear explanation, and eventually he got up and left the table. We all assumed he went to the bathroom, but he didn’t return.
About 10 minutes later, I texted him and found out he was upstairs in his old bedroom. He said I had embarrassed him in front of everyone and that he couldn’t believe I thought he was fat-shaming our daughter.
I texted back that I didn’t think he meant any harm, but even well-intentioned comments like that can chip away at a girl’s confidence over time. As a girl dad, I just think he needs to be more mindful of how he talks about her body — even jokingly.
Looking back, I realize I should’ve waited and talked to him privately. But AITA for calling it out in the moment?
Comments
Kids in between 2-5yrs embed these things in their brain and this is how their mindset gets structured. Just say that you were trying to just avoid so no one else does say that to them
I had bulimia for twenty years, I suffered from low self esteem for years as I was always the ugly chubby kid of the group. I started comfort eating and I came home one day and my dad mentioned how round I was getting. It was the very first day I purged. Let me be clear it wasn’t his fault but in my own paranoia I took that as disgust from him rather than a joke, I heard it all before from other people but my own family thinking I was disgusting just tipped it. I don’t think your husband like my dad didn’t mean any harm. But from childhood, beauty and appearance get stuffed down our throats. Might have not hurt her now but it could in the future. I don’t think either of you are in the wrong here I think you both need to have a convo about how words can affect people.
NTA. He way overreacted. If this is how all of your fights go, y’all need counseling. You should be able to say things without him throwing a tantrum at a dinner party. Like him leaving with all the people watching for that long was to make everyone else ostracize/punish you for speaking up as well, you should recognize the manipulation tactic. And your girls will absolutely internalize that shit from Dad.
That’s the kind of comment that…if delivered with the right non-verbal queues (I.e. A big 💩 eating grin)…could be taken as a joke and not badly.
Not going to say YTA, but the way you described the situation…it sounds like you tried to embarrass him when he was only trying to goof around and didn’t mean any harm.
The two of you need to talk about why…if you think he’s such a great Dad and loves his girls…you felt the need to blurt that out and try to embarrass him.
Edit: See follow-on comment. I wasn’t trying to say that I think the Dad’s joke was appropriate.
NTA – the focus should never be on how a girl looks. As a dad of two girls he needs to learn this. Could you have articulated your thoughts more effectively-yes, but your husband should have been mature enough to have the conversation and not get upset.
I doubt that this is the first disagreement you’ve had and he should know your communication style especially when it comes to confrontations.
NTA
I understand he was emrarrassed but he was totally overreacting. He could’ve just said something like ”You’re right, I should be more mindful” and moved on.
I hope you don’t apologize for saying what you said. It’s an important discussion to have. Comments like that from my dad are what broke my relationship with food and gave me serious body image issues.
NTA. Your husband’s reaction of getting defensive and storming out is so dramatic of him. You are a mother who’s trying to do the right thing, and he is being a child.
You’re not the AH for caring about your daughter’s self esteem but yeah timing is everything and sometimes love needs a sidebar not a spotlight,
What you said to him was no meaner than what he said to your daughter.
That’s the baseline. If you’re supposed to accept he didn’t mean anything by his comment, he has to accept you didn’t mean anything by yours. He can’t have it both ways.
He’s behaving like a child.
Nta.
He shouldn’t have made that comment. Your child wanted more food which is normal.
Nta
My dad made comments “joking” about how much I was eating and it ended up making it so it’s hard for me to eat in front of people because I feel like they’re judging me
YTA. Kids typically don’t remember anything before the age of 3. Will she even remember his comment?
Giving him the huge benefit of the doubt and it was a completely “innocent” comment. Why can he say something unthinking but you can’t have an immediate reaction?
You were NTA. The fact that those words formed in his brain and came out – along with the belly rub is very concerning. Why should he get to shame a child publicly but require correction privately
>we’re different when it comes to confrontation — I avoid it like the plague, while he’s totally comfortable with it
That’s not how it sounds from this story.
He needs to be corrected- comments like that are corrosive to young girls. When everyone is calm, explain to him why you reacted the way you did, and the danger of “playful” dad comments about food and weight for girls and young women.
If he gets defensive again, show him this thread.
NTA. Even if you couldn’t find the right words in the moment, your husband: 1) never should have said something like that about your daughter, especially in front of others, and 2) never should have acted like a fucking toddler himself when called out on his behavior. It’s soooo easy for men to just sail through life without the stigma and shame that women get jammed down our throats about bodies, beauty, appearance, etc. from even the earliest ages. These comments and gestures STICK WITH US. Instead of being butthurt because he’s embarrassed (due to his own gross behavior), your husband should be open and receptive to learning about how this shit affects young girls.
Nope. Nope nta. You are looking out for her that’s your job as her parent and also his babies freaking put on fat in order to have growth spurts. Also ever when she grows up I really really would hate to see him make comments about her body regardless of what it looks like
It really depends on how he said it. Was it lovingly or was the tone suggesting there was something wrong. In the first scenario a kid wouldn’t really know there’s anything wrong and there is nothing wrong. Then it was OP who said he shouldn’t say that, that would make anyone think there’s something wrong with her tummy.
In the second scenario, he should have kept his mouth shinto begin with. Tone and intention matter a lot.
Hmm, as the parent of a toddler I’m gonna say NAH unless he said it in a mean way. I often rub my kid’s tummy and say like ‘look at your little tum’ or whatever, because I love that tummy.
He probably said it without thinking because he loves her tummy, and you immediately bit back because you want to protect your daughter from body shaming.
Now he’s mortified and you’re pissed off. Completely understandable. A productive conversation can easily fix this.
NTA. Little kids have bigger bellies. A little out of proportion to the rest of their bodies because of slightly enlarged organs. It’s just something they grown out of. Your husband was out of line. Girls (and boys) shouldn’t have to listen to these thoughtless comments. Girl dad needs to educate himself. And you should see yourself as an equal partner (for the benefit of yourself and your daughter.)
No you were right to pick him up on that comment! Your daughter is a child should she go through life with people commenting on the shape of her body NO! Your husband may not have meant anything by it but he has to be more mindful when it comes to just ‘kidding’ comments. These throwaway comments hit home with kids and not to say what she may hear around other kids. This is where the seed gets planted ‘I’m fat’ and we know how society looks upon people who are fat! Your husband needs to seriously think of how he came to say such a comment. And look at his attitude towards body shape!
This is not even scolding wtf 😬
This is just putting a boundary in place
NTA
YTA this part “ I wasn’t trying to scold him publicly; it honestly just slipped out.” Is false. You’re either lying to yourself or him by saying it but lines like this don’t slip out unless you’ve mentally primed them for weeks if not months.
Nta. Everything we say to our kids, becomes their inner voice. Your husband overreacted to your words. Weird
NTA and you were right in what you said. “Innocent” comments like that are what cause eating disorders. To him it was a joke. If he said that to her when she’s older it would be a massive insult and ridicule of her body. He needs to learn this. He was wrong then overreacted when you pointed it out.