My (28F) birthday was a couple weeks ago. My husband (32M) and I went to Chicago a week after my birthday to celebrate my birthday and our upcoming 3 year anniversary. We agreed it would be either a gift or the trip.
He paid about $800 for the hotel, all the Ubers, and then spent $1,000 on a Michelin star restaurant (which he’s always wanted to go to). I had no idea he had spent that much on the restaurant and was really surprised and kind of annoyed when he told me. The experience was great and of course I appreciated it and didn’t complain once. But it just felt like that was more for him because he kept saying he’s always really wanted to go to one and that he felt like the money spent was worth it.
I also contributed financially. He asked me to send him $100 during the trip, which I did without question. I paid for some of the food, drinks, boat tours, and museums. Then during the trip, he told me I wasn’t contributing enough or even offering to, so I sent him another $500. I didn’t mind paying for stuff, but it was that he actively got upset and complained to me about it instead of just asking me to pitch in a little more. In the beginning of the trip, he kept telling me that I deserve this trip and that he wanted to treat me, but he made me feel like the whole thing was transactional. He also has way more money than me so I wasn’t even thinking about money which may seem entitled, but it just didn’t really cross my mind. Again, I didn’t mind paying for stuff but I see where he’s coming from not wanting to have to ask. But it’s also not like I didn’t pay for a single thing. I did.
To be clear, I’m not mad about the money or that he didn’t buy me an expensive gift. There wasn’t even a birthday cake on my actual birthday or during the trip. I haven’t said anything to him because I didn’t want to seem ungrateful. He didn’t plan a single thing during the trip except for the Michelin restaurant. Everything we did was my idea and he just kept asking me what I wanted to do, and then later got mad that we weren’t doing anything he wanted to do. Like okay?? Why aren’t you saying anything? He told me that I was being ungrateful and didn’t appreciate all the money he spent, which isn’t true at all. I was constantly thanking him and didn’t complain a single time. To be honest, I didn’t feel any type of way until he started complaining to me.
AITA for calling out my husband for making me feel guilty about money on a trip that was supposed to be my birthday gift?
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My (28F) birthday was a couple weeks ago. My husband (32M) and I went to Chicago a week after my birthday to celebrate my birthday and our upcoming 3 year anniversary. We agreed it would be either a gift or the trip.
He paid about $800 for the hotel, all the Ubers, and then spent $1,000 on a Michelin star restaurant (which he’s always wanted to go to). I had no idea he had spent that much on the restaurant and was really surprised and kind of annoyed when he told me. The experience was great and of course I appreciated it and didn’t complain once. But it just felt like that was more for him because he kept saying he’s always really wanted to go to one and that he felt like the money spent was worth it.
I also contributed financially. He asked me to send him $100 during the trip, which I did without question. I paid for some of the food, drinks, boat tours, and museums. Then during the trip, he told me I wasn’t contributing enough or even offering to, so I sent him another $500. I didn’t mind paying for stuff, but it was that he actively got upset and complained to me about it instead of just asking me to pitch in a little more. In the beginning of the trip, he kept telling me that I deserve this trip and that he wanted to treat me, but he made me feel like the whole thing was transactional. He also has way more money than me so I wasn’t even thinking about money which may seem entitled, but it just didn’t really cross my mind. Again, I didn’t mind paying for stuff but I see where he’s coming from not wanting to have to ask. But it’s also not like I didn’t pay for a single thing. I did.
To be clear, I’m not mad about the money or that he didn’t buy me an expensive gift. There wasn’t even a birthday cake on my actual birthday or during the trip. I haven’t said anything to him because I didn’t want to seem ungrateful. He didn’t plan a single thing during the trip except for the Michelin restaurant. Everything we did was my idea and he just kept asking me what I wanted to do, and then later got mad that we weren’t doing anything he wanted to do. Like okay?? Why aren’t you saying anything? He told me that I was being ungrateful and didn’t appreciate all the money he spent, which isn’t true at all. I was constantly thanking him and didn’t complain a single time. To be honest, I didn’t feel any type of way until he started complaining to me.
AITA for calling out my husband for making me feel guilty about money on a trip that was supposed to be my birthday gift?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) called out my husband for making me feel guilty about spending money on my birthday trip 2) because it might make me seem unappreciative
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA he didn’t do anything for your birthday, he had you subsidise his trip and that’s not a gift.
Definitely NTA.
He framed the trip as a gift, then guilt-tripped you over money and made it feel transactional. You contributed, showed appreciation, and still got blamed. It’s fair to call that out.
Sounds like partway through the trip he forgot this was a gift for you, and started seeing it as a mutual vacation that you should pay half for. Then got angry at being reminded, and chose to dump those feelings on to you. This is not fair to you, or a good look for him.
NTA.
I read this, and think. How would OP react to an internet stranger writing this story? What would they feel for them. Outrage? Surprise?
What I know is that people don’t remember what you do/give etc all that much- but they really remember how YOU make them feel.
Hubbers here in this story, makes OP feel like their relationship is transactional.
Can’t comment on the assholerey – you didn’t really elaborate how you called him out – only that he got angry about it.
NTA
He sounds exhausting.
He really sucks. He didn’t plan anything except the most expensive thing that he wanted to do. That wasn’t for you. And he asked for a lot of $$ for you to pay for your birthday. This was not a birthday celebration 🙁
Is he like this in your day to day lives because he’s kind of shitty.
I’ve had loser boyfriends who cheated or stole from me who somehow treated me better than your husband is treating YOU. Girl, don’t just call him out, demand better and if he’s unwilling or unable to TRY meeting that demand…well, bye Felicia.
He bragged about spoiling you for your birthday, then decided you needed to contribute more. He dropped ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS on something for himself then had you send him money. Madam, he’s a child. And none of this “he’s so good to me otherwise” because no the heck he ain’t if he didn’t even get you a cupcake for your birthday! If he’s had a financial issue that caused him to require your assistance financially, he should have said so. If he had a bank issue, he should have said so. Instead, he was crappy to you on a trip that was supposed to be YOUR BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION. NTA, but you will be if you let this go unchecked.
I do not understand married couples that have “separate” money.
NTA. How’s life with your hubby? He seems exhausting.
NTA. This is your husband, not some rando you’re spending your birthday with. The trip was set up first and foremost as something FOR YOU, for your birthday by your husband at his suggestion. You really need to ask him where the situation changed in his mind, because he was way out of order.
NTA. But you need to sit down with your husband for a serious talk about communicating. Use your examples above, ask him why he was uncomfortable just asking you for the money and why he first stated it was your birthday trip until it wasn’t. Be very clear, it’s not about whether the trip was a gift, it’s about how the mixed messages lead to confusion, resentment, and a bad time. I’d express that big ticket items like the dinner should be discussed as a couple, that’s common sense.
If he raises his voice or gets irritable, that is not how good communication is built. What you are trying to do is build a foundation of communication with your partner. It’s best when you have a ‘day after’ or ‘trip after’ discussion for both people to not try and rehash the fight but explain what you were feeling or how you heard their comment.
If the above is not possible I’d highly recommend couples therapy to build this foundation. The damage done by miscommunication on this trip has basically soured the experience, imagine repeating that for the rest of your life.
Time for a marriage counselor so you two can learn how to communicate! You went on this trip thinking it was your gift. Halfway through the trip, he decides it’s not your gift and you should be pitching in a bunch of bucks. If he makes a lot more than you, I don’t see any reason why you shouldn’t have paid for the trip. And definitely, the restaurant is on him! But it sounds like you two need to do a better job of communicating with each other. I suggest therapy for the two of you so you can learn how to do that better. NTA
He chose a restaurant for your birthday that he really wanted to go to then got mad he couldn’t afford the rest of the trip!?!? NTA, this is pretty crappy of him.
NTA. He framed the trip as a gift, then made you feel guilty mid-way through and turned it into a financial scorecard. You contributed, planned everything, and stayed appreciative, he just shifted the vibe when it didn’t go his way.
Oh seriously, you both got a holiday, your birthday was the excuse, you are married so money is really one pool, what is the issue here?
Sorry, 1k for a restaurant??? No. Stopped reading at that point!
Are your finances separate? Seems like he was suddenly feeling like he is spending more than he could afford.
Husband has you convinced that a trip he took to enjoy the Michelin star meal, was your birthday trip, even though he didn’t do anything except that meal, which was more for him.
Dude has you bamboozled 🫠
So you paid for your birthday gift,? Well when it’s his birthday, ask him to pay half towards it and see what he thinks. NTA. Your husband is stingy
NTA You’re having a fight with an unloving opponent. Why is he like this? Is he ever NOT like this? It’s very specifically weird.
You paid for your own birthday trip/gift!
Congratulations!
(Tell him that! That you paid for your own birthday trip, so he owes you a present!
Updateme