So my mom moved to a beachfront residence in Florida in 2020. We’re from Illinois, and she still maintains friendships with a lot of people here. I’m gonna call the two friends in this story J and A. J is a great friend to my mom. She talks to her on a regular basis and invests in her life. A however, hasn’t spoken to my mom in months. J and A are very close friends, but mutual friends of my mom’s. A messages J and says “I want to go to Florida”, so they plan a trip. Meanwhile, A hasn’t communicated with my mom whatsoever. A comes down with J and brings all 3 of her kids. My mom graciously offers to buy them all dinner one night. A lets her son buy a $70 lobster dinner, since she doesn’t have to pay for it. She then posts 44 photos in an album on her Facebook of her and her kids in my moms house, in my moms pool, etc. My dad is in the background of a hand full of these photos. But A doesn’t tag my mom, doesn’t say thank you, nothing. She presents things online like she just took her family on vacation, and stayed at an AirBNB or something. So I see this post, and I send her a message. I say, “I think it’s awfully performative of you to not tag my mom or include her in your post. It presents like you’re taking advantage of her hospitality/kindness. Show some respect, she’s doing a lot for you. Have a nice time.” Am I the asshole for calling her out?
Edit: I asked my mom if I could say something to her before I did, and she said yes, as long as it wasn’t mean. Which I don’t think it was. A also did not ask my mom to come visit. She told J she wanted to go to Florida and let J do all of the planning.
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So my mom moved to a beachfront residence in Florida in 2020. We’re from Illinois, and she still maintains friendships with a lot of people here. I’m gonna call the two friends in this story J and A. J is a great friend to my mom. She talks to her on a regular basis and invests in her life. A however, hasn’t spoken to my mom in months. J and A are very close friends, but mutual friends of my mom’s. A messages J and says “I want to go to Florida”, so they plan a trip. Meanwhile, A hasn’t communicated with my mom whatsoever. A comes down with J and brings all 3 of her kids. My mom graciously offers to buy them all dinner one night. A lets her son buy a $70 lobster dinner, since she doesn’t have to pay for it. She then posts 44 photos in an album on her Facebook of her and her kids in my moms house, in my moms pool, etc. My dad is in the background of a hand full of these photos. But A doesn’t tag my mom, doesn’t say thank you, nothing. She presents things online like she just took her family on vacation, and stayed at an AirBNB or something. So I see this post, and I send her a message. I say, “I think it’s awfully performative of you to not tag my mom or include her in your post. It presents like you’re taking advantage of her hospitality/kindness. Show some respect, she’s doing a lot for you. Have a nice time.” Am I the asshole for calling her out?
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> I called out my mom’s friend for taking advantage of her, but it might cause my mom some drama.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
INFO: Why can’t your mom fight her own battles? Why would she let them stay when “A” never talks to her? Why let her get away with letting her kids order $70 meals?
Edit: NTA after you’ve clarified that your mom said that saying something was okay. But she really needs to grow a backbone and stand up for herself.
YTA I get that you feel these people were taking advantage, but your mom is a grown person who can make her own decisions and stand up for herself. She doesn’t need you calling people out on social media for her without talking to her about it first. Would you want her to do that to one of your friends without talking to you?
Next time, talk to your mom first before stepping in.
A, treated your mom’s home like an airbnb, her wallet like a venmo and her kindness like free WiFi. Calling that out isn’t rude, it’s just resetting the bill to reality.
Oh, this hurts but yeah YTA.. this is your mom’s friend and the one who will be dealing with the consequences of your comment is not the friend but your mom. It’s your mom’s choice how she handles her friends not yours. Update: After OP answered I’m going with NTA. There is a AH here but it isn’t OP.
ESH. Your mom needs to learn to say no or set boundaries. You need to let your mom fight her own battles. And A is the biggest AH here for taking advantage and setting no boundaries for her family.
You act like your mother isn’t capable of saying anything herself. And were you present the entire time A was there? Do you know for a fact she didn’t thank your mother?
I’m going with a provisional YTA.
I would have commented on every photo she posted about how nice it was of your mother to host them at her home, entertain them in her pool, and pay for their fine dining experience. Every single picture that includes your mother’s home or the restaurant where she paid the bill…..I would have made sure to comment on every singe one.
Yta, just everyone sounds very petty, don’t offer to pay if you can’t afford all the menu items, she went to Florida to be with her kids and family, your family “was” nice enough to have them until they didn’t give you the credit for they’re vacation, where they spent there time and money to visit you.
NTA, because you did it in a message instead of as a comment. Idk if “performative” is the right word exactly— not sure what you mean by that. And you’re saying it “presents as” when you really mean that you perceive it as that— nobody else would know enough for it to “present” that way to them. When you feel stuff, just be honest and direct about your own feelings and perceptions instead of making pronouncements about how everyone should perceive them. But also, nothing you say will really matter— all that matters is what your MOM says.
Re: not tagging your mom: did the album have any comment/text at all, or did the text just not mention your mom? Sometimes old people don’t understand how to use Facebook and upload random albums without context that mean nothing to anyone.