burner account So I (21F) met this guy “Jake” (23M) on campus like 2 months ago. We started hanging out, texting all day, hooking up — the usual situationship formula. He never said he was single, but he sure acted like it. Never mentioned anyone else, was always around, always sweet. I assumed.
Then last week, he suddenly ghosts me. I check in, like “Hey, you okay?” and after a couple days he responds:
“Sorry, my niece passed away. I just need some space.”
Of course I backed off. I felt awful for him and didn’t press anything.
Fast forward a few days and I’m talking to a girl in my class who knows him, and she casually drops that he’s been in a long-term relationship. With a girl who lives off-campus. Oh, and the niece that passed? Her niece. Not his.
So basically, he used his girlfriend’s tragedy to ghost me without looking like the bad guy.
I texted him like:
“Wow. You used your girlfriend’s niece’s death to cover your tracks? That’s beyond low.”
He hit back saying I was being insensitive and making it all about me. But like?? Sir, you involved me when you lied using someone else’s trauma.
Some people are saying I should’ve just let it go and not said anything while someone’s grieving. But I wasn’t messy — I just called out the manipulation.
So… Reddit: AITA for confronting him even though there was a real tragedy involved?
TL;DR: Guy I was seeing ghosted me, blamed it on his “niece” dying. Turns out it was his girlfriend’s niece, and I didn’t even know he had a girlfriend. I called him out and now I’m “disrespectful.” Am I??
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team.
burner account So I (21F) met this guy “Jake” (23M) on campus like 2 months ago. We started hanging out, texting all day, hooking up — the usual situationship formula. He never said he was single, but he sure acted like it. Never mentioned anyone else, was always around, always sweet. I assumed.
Then last week, he suddenly ghosts me. I check in, like “Hey, you okay?” and after a couple days he responds:
> “Sorry, my niece passed away. I just need some space.”
Of course I backed off. I felt awful for him and didn’t press anything.
Fast forward a few days and I’m talking to a girl in my class who knows him, and she casually drops that he’s been in a long-term relationship. With a girl who lives off-campus. Oh, and the niece that passed? Her niece. Not his.
So basically, he used his girlfriend’s tragedy to ghost me without looking like the bad guy.
I texted him like:
> “Wow. You used your girlfriend’s niece’s death to cover your tracks? That’s beyond low.”
He hit back saying I was being insensitive and making it all about me. But like?? Sir, you involved me when you lied using someone else’s trauma.
Some people are saying I should’ve just let it go and not said anything while someone’s grieving. But I wasn’t messy — I just called out the manipulation.
So… Reddit: AITA for confronting him even though there was a real tragedy involved?
TL;DR: Guy I was seeing ghosted me, blamed it on his “niece” dying. Turns out it was his girlfriend’s niece, and I didn’t even know he had a girlfriend. I called him out and now I’m “disrespectful.” Am I??
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I called a guy out on his lies, he’s trying to gaslight me into being the asshole!
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. How can you be respectful of his grieving when you’re being lied to about said grieving?
Don’t feel bad, you only gave him the treatment he deserved.
Wonder how his girlfriend would feel about the death of her niece if she hears HE is making it about HIMSELF. What a shameful thing to do.
nta, he weaponized someone else’s grief to cover his own shady ass, you didn’t make it about you, he already did when he lied to your face. People like that count on silence so they don’t gotta own up.
ESH.
He is an AH because he was cheating on his partner with you.
But you do not get to police someone else’s grief or connection to those around them. Plenty of people take on an “aunt” or “uncle” role to the young ones around them and when presumably this is a young person who passed and it is probably quite tragic.
Totally fair to be pissed that you were lied to about his relationship status, bit of an AH move to say he was “using” the death to cover his tracks.
NTA for calling him out. Lying about a death to cover up for the fact that he’s a cheater? He’s the disrespectful one!
YTA. They are in a long term relationship and yeah it can feel like it was his niece too in this situation. Don’t know why you are more obsesed that he lied about who’s niece it was then that he has a girlfriend and you might have been the cheating partner. (unless you know that they have an agreement)
NTA – I think you responded appropriately considering he effectively cheated on his girlfriend with you.
I can understand that he probably considers his girlfriend’s niece as his own if they have been together for a while. But that doesn’t excuse his bad behaviour and his saying that was the reason he needed space.
Sometimes people need to be told the way they are behaving isn’t appropriate and I think you didn’t do it in an AH way.
ESH.
Obviously him for keeping you in the dark about a whole relationship he has and its seriousness.
But you also for insisting his grief isn’t real based on the proximity of whether it’s for his biological niece or not.
The only thing this situation taught you for sure is that you don’t know this guy in any real or meaningful capacity. You don’t know if his relationship is open or not- you just found out he had one to begin with. You don’t know what sort of bond he had with the person who passed or if they were close or not. You only know someone DID pass away.
Let it go. It’s shitty that he used you for sure. But there’s nothing to gain here for you except potential embarrassment.
NTA- your feelings are valid too. He is the one cheating and got caught because his LTG’s niece, whom we assume he was close to, died. That’s on him.
🤔 Does this come off as narcissistic behavior to anyone else? Seems like he doesn’t care about you or the girlfriend or anyone besides him and his fragile ego
He’s telling you that you’re insensitive because you mentioned that it’s his GIRLFRIENDS niece?
Girlfriend?…
You’re seeing him? And you’re insensitive? Obvs NTA what you doing here lol you know you’re not
it’s totally plausible that he saw the niece as his own if he has been in her life for a long time, and i was so ready to call you TA based on the title.
HOWEVER this man is a cheating creep. NTA.
it’s so sad for that poor girlfriend because she actually did lose her niece and she’s soon going to find out about her boyfriend too…
ESH. Sure, he shouldn’t have lied to you about his long-time girlfriend, not even lied by omission. On the other hand, since he HAS been in a longtime relationship with this girlfriend, her niece may well have held the same position in his life as a biological niece would have. You should not have insulted his relationship with the niece at all, and certainly while he was mourning her death.
Call him out for lying to you about his long-term girlfriend, by all means, and for cheating on her. Leave his relationship with his dead niece out of it.
ESH. If they’re in a long term relationship means she is his niece in his heart. Just because he’s a dick for having an affair with you doesn’t mean he didn’t love his niece even if it was via a relationship.
NTA he shouldn’t have lied if he didn’t want it used against him. Which you didn’t even do.
He’s an AH for cheating on his gf and lying to you about his relationship status. You’re the AH for calling him out over something that’s honestly not really your business. People often assume the role of aunt or uncle with their partners’ “blood” niece or nephew so it’s not really for you to police it.
Hard NTA, he’s gross. And you should screenshot your texts to the girlfriend, he’s a cheater and she should know.
I think he does need to be called out as he has cheating on his girlfriend with you. He is clearly the Ah for that and he is clearly the Ah to his girlfriend
But that doesn’t mean he isn’t grieving the niece. If this is a long term relationship, he probably knew the girl since she was a baby. She probably feels like his niece.
I am not sure why him lying about the niece pisses you off more than the girlfriend part.
NTA as he is cheating but you need to stop forcing on the niece not being his actual niece.
NTA.
Hope girlfriend finds out he used her nieces death to ghost his side piece. Can only wish he never procreates.
Wait. Dude had a GF, but you’re ok with that, just mad that he lied about whether he was directly related or kit to the person who did actually die….
You’ve got to get your priorities straight. YTA for focusing on the wrong shit.
ESH He’s an ass for not mentioning he was in a relationship and trying to cheat but I would be pretty devastated if my niece on my gf side passed away… I doubt he used that to ghost you
ESH – TELL THE GIRLFRIEND
YTA, you found out he was cheating but did not notify the significant other. This enables cheaters. If everybody says nothing about cheaters eventually we will end up like France where paternity tests are illegal because cheating is so prevalent.
Luckily most “YTA” is caused by something you already did. This one can be rectified by a one sentence text. Hope you do the right thing
ESH.
He is an AH for cheating. I’m not going to fault a person if he is grieving the niece as if she was his own. If he has been with the GF for a while, he might be close with the niece. But you seem to be more upset that he called his GF’s niece his own niece than the fact that he has a long term GF that he has been hiding. I think that’s weird.
WOW. That is low.
NTA.
Maybe send his gf a condolence card, I bet you he’s not even really sad, just trying to delicately balance as many relationship prospects as possible.
ESH. For all you know he is grieving her like a niece. And he sucks for obvious reasons.
ESH. He may have been really close to the niece. The way you are focusing on that is really weird.
The problem is that he was cheating and playing you both. But you don’t seem to care about THAT.
The thing you’re focusing on is giving you away.
He’s in a relationship. Move on. You have no idea whether or not he’s close to the person who died. Next time, confirm the relationship status instead of assuming. YTA
I can’t believe some of the answers OP is getting.
It’s not his niece. He might be grieving, but he lied. On purpose. To keep on hiding the fact he’s a cheater and has a long-term relationship with another girl. OP has every right to call him out on his bs. If he is truly grieving, that’s not OP’s problem. According to her, she just texted him and didn’t make any fuss. And considering that all cheaters are liars by default, it wouldn’t surprise me if he would be using someone else’s grieving (his gf’s) to have the perfect excuse to not deal with OP. Fvck him.
NTA.
Hard NTA.
And if he cared about this niece so much, he wouldn’t have used her actual death as a tool to dump the person he was cheating on her actual aunt with.
NTA
People: it’s your fault for being abused, accepting it, being silent.
Also people: ssssh, let them, why did you have to call them out on their toxic behaviour, wow, you’re an asshole for pointing out someone doing something toxic. 🙄
ESH.
If its a long term relationship and the girlfriends niece then it’s as bad as if your own niece died. The grief was real.
But he couldn’t tell you it’s his girlfriends niece because he wanted to keep his chances open. So he’s an asshole for that. And a lier. But not because of what he said about needing space.
I don’t really see a conflict here. But when you are in a situationship with someone and don’t bother to find out if they are single, don’t be shocked when you get shenanigans and antics.
Both of you are kind of immature AFAIC.
ESH
….are you going to let that poor woman know what type of monster she’s sharing a bed with?? Or do you plan to continue making this about yourself while taking ZERO responsibility for the situation.
Also, you should probably get checked for any sexualyl transmitted diseases. Liars aren’t know for caring for their victims health. There’s a good chance you and half the female student body are carrying something spread by him. Please do the right thing and tell that poor girl what has been done to her. She’s unknowlingly wasting her life.
NTA
>He hit back saying I was being insensitive and making it all about me
He didnt like getting called out and just reacted. 1. Cheating. AH. 2. Misidentifying dead niece. AH.
And for folks on here saying ESH. What should OP have done, never confront him? Give him a pass cause he’s sad?