I’m 33 and recently got promoted to Director of Operations at a growing company. Part of my job involves expanding the team. My younger brother, 27, had been jobless for a while so I pulled some strings to create a position that fit his skills. It paid well, had growth potential, and I was excited to help him get back on track.
Last weekend at a family BBQ I overheard him talking to a couple of his friends. He didn’t know I was nearby.
He said, “I finessed the hell out of my brother. Told him everything he wanted to hear and now I’m locked in with a fat paycheck. Easy money.”
They laughed. He added that I’ve always been the “gullible responsible one” so he knew I’d fall for it.
I didn’t say anything at the time. But Monday morning I called HR and had the offer rescinded. I told them the position was no longer being filled.
Now the whole family is coming after me. They’re saying it was just trash talk and I overreacted. My parents are calling me cold and dramatic. My brother texted me acting confused saying he “thought we were good.”
Here’s my thing I was helping him out not just hiring a stranger. If that’s how he talks when I’m not around how can I trust him on my team?
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team.
I’m 33 and recently got promoted to Director of Operations at a growing company. Part of my job involves expanding the team. My younger brother, 27, had been jobless for a while so I pulled some strings to create a position that fit his skills. It paid well, had growth potential, and I was excited to help him get back on track.
Last weekend at a family BBQ I overheard him talking to a couple of his friends. He didn’t know I was nearby.
He said, “I finessed the hell out of my brother. Told him everything he wanted to hear and now I’m locked in with a fat paycheck. Easy money.”
They laughed. He added that I’ve always been the “gullible responsible one” so he knew I’d fall for it.
I didn’t say anything at the time. But Monday morning I called HR and had the offer rescinded. I told them the position was no longer being filled.
Now the whole family is coming after me. They’re saying it was just trash talk and I overreacted. My parents are calling me cold and dramatic. My brother texted me acting confused saying he “thought we were good.”
Here’s my thing I was helping him out not just hiring a stranger. If that’s how he talks when I’m not around how can I trust him on my team?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I canceled his offer without warning or talking to him first. Maybe I acted too fast and should’ve confronted him or given him a chance to explain. I feel like I protected myself and the company but now I’m questioning if I overreacted.
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA
Tell your brother “Welcome to the Find Out phase…”
NTA because you were taken advantage of, but in the future, I wouldn’t recommend abusing your company position to “create positions” for unqualified friends and family, it’s not a good look and usually doesn’t work out well for the company and their colleagues.
Nta. Understandable this. It’s cold, yes. Brutal even. But if this is how he thinks of you, he’s going to do the same on your team. Maybe worse. You wouldn’t be able to trust him.
You did right by him getting him on, he should have been nothing but appreciation.
NTA, you don’t want him working there because it’ll ultimately reflect poorly on you. He’s not the kind of person who would work hard, he’d just become a liability that everyone tolerated because he’s related to you.
NTA. You’re not obligated to help him, you were doing something nice and he threw it back in your face. Maybe you’ll be doing him a favour teaching him that actions have consequences.
Absolutely NTA. In this job market PERFECT candidates (in skill and character) have been jobless for years. You were willing to give him a chance, CREATED a new position for him and this is how he acts?? His attitude sucks and is an indicator that he does not respect you as a brother and would not as a direct supervisor either.
NTA. Bro is an idiot.
NTA
If that’s how your brother sees what you had lined up to help his sorry broke behind out of the potential proverbial crap, well he bit the hand that was gearing to feed him and honestly this dude acting that way showed true colors for potentially being someone who could’ve abused power of those beneath him or work alongside this tool.
Stand firm and tell your family he can fill out applications to Wendy’s for work.
NTA. Your brother sounds like mine. You’re better than me because I’d never help him get a job anywhere.
I think this is against the rules here. That said I think it’s an ESH. I probably would have let him failed, as with that attitude he would have.
NTA, don’t even explain the the real reason why to anyone. If he lied about most of it to get a good paying position you would’ve suffered for referring a phony. Just tell your parents you tried but the company went with other candidates. It’s a referral to apply for a position; not an automatic job.
Edit: just read the fact that your family scolded you over listening to the trash talk 😑 so in their eyes you might be TA.
NTA but for a different reason than most commenters are saying.
He showed you that he was going to be a crap employee. You did the right thing by not knowingly brining a bad employee on to the team.
The fact he is your brother is actually irrelevant.
NTA – “When someone shows you who they are, believe them.” You did the right thing for the right reasons. If this is what your brother brings to the table, it would’ve been a reflection on you in your workplace. That kind of stain takes a long time to wash out.
NTA. Never kick a gift horse in the mouth. Instead of being grateful, your brother decided to be arrogant. Though I’m sure your brother can find a job at McDonald’s, they are always hiring aren’t they?
> He added that I’ve always been the “gullible responsible one” so he knew I’d fall for it
NTA – Well, if this was someone else you’d respond in exactly the same way, the fact that it’s your brother is unfortunate. You can’t trust him, he really doesn’t have any defense here
NTA if he came in and had that kind of attitude it would’ve reflected on you and been a blatant show of nepotism. If he came in and did a good job it could get overlooked but if it doesn’t go that direction it would look awfully bad on you.
Plus it would be real awkward if you had to help fire him one day
NTA – you were taken advantage of and if he was grateful for the opportunity then he wouldn’t have said what he said about you behind your back in the first place. It’s definitely a good thing he is not working at the same company now because there is a good chance that wouldn’t end very well.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds. Especially for something as fragile as an ego.
NTA. But did you tell your whole family what happened? Why would you do that?
“They’re saying it was just trash talk and I overreacted.” Who the hell trashtalks their sibling that just got them a really good job with amazing pay and a future???
Even if he didn’t mean it, that’s so rude??? If he can’t even be polite about what you’ve done for him and is willing to shittalk you behind your back, then I don’t think he really deserves your kindness. And that’s assuming he didn’t mean it, which he very well could have :/
So NTA. I would have done the same thing if it was my sibling or my own child. To hear something like that about something I did for someone to help them out is going to end very poorly and that nicety would be the last. Humility and appreciation go a long way.
NTA, when you recommend someone, you are staking your reputation that the person is a good person. He has shown he was not, your did the right thing. Nothing worse than a bad Nepo hire.
NTA…You were trying to help your brother, but he showed you exactly why he wasn’t a good fit for your team, or frankly, for any position you’d be responsible for. You saved yourself a lot of potential headaches and professional complications down the line.
NTA. If your brother is that cavalier then I’d be worried about him shit talking about you to fellow employees. Your reputation would be at stake. You’ve got to protect yourself.
You were trying to do your brother a solid and he screwed it up. Not you.
If he wants to coast on the job, he can find his own and do it on some other company’s dime. Who wants an unethical manipulator on the team? NTA
Would you/could you fire/rescind a new hire for shit talking with their friends?
I don’t think you could. It would make the eavesdropping more important but your actions can’t become justified because of your familial relations. I don’t think I could fire/rescind anyone over that so I don’t think you could here. YTA.
NTA but i think your bro was trying to save face in
Yta nepotism is bad with luck your boss will see this and know who you are
…. why in the seven hells would you even dream of mentioning TO YOUR FAMILY that you were the reason the job offer was rescinded???
You are such an asshole to yourself.
NTA Plenty of Godfather quotes that you can use. “Biz-a-ness is a biz-a-ness, eh”
To be absolutely honest, your indignation is appropriate. The disrespect is real. And virtually every commenter is right if the world broke clean. The world does not break clean. You’re in a position of power, even if relative and miniscule in a grand sense. Give your brother the job and redefined the expectations of his behavior. You only have so much family. Just… you’re right. Don’t be right.
NTA. He’s going to shit on you at work, too. You don’t deserve that.
NTA at all. You were going of of your way to help him and he said things like that. I would not want someone like that on my team at all. As others have said as well, it’s also your reputation on the line when you bring someone in like that. Definitely not worth it
NTA. What happens when he shoots that big mouth of his off at work? He’s clearly not cut out for a professional environment. You’re not cold, you’re protecting your professional reputation as Director of Operations. What your brother said was not just ice cold, it was wildly inappropriate ANYWHERE. I knew at sixteen years old not to trash talk a Director at my company, and I absolutely got that job because I knew somebody. You know what I didn’t do? Talk about how dumb they were to hire me and how I’d lied to get the position! All your brother had to do was keep his head down and do the work, but he couldn’t even manage that. Let him find his own way and finesse someone else.
NTA, but you should’ve called out your brother as soon as he said that. That way it wasn’t coming out of nowhere when you rescinded the offer, and even if he cant defend himself, it would at least give him a chance to try. And maybe the rest of the family would’ve seen it and not been so ready to jump to defend him.
But just to be very clear, you’re brother sounds like a dick
NTA. This is your livelihood and hiring him is threatening that security.
What would’ve happened if you would’ve ignored that nagging feeling in your belly to still give him an undeserved chance, only to have him create a path of chaos and destruction, inevitably leaving you with a tainted reputation and regret?
NTA
He meant every word. He wants an easy ride through life and is used to mommy and daddy making you let him ride your coat tails.
NTA
You got rid of the problem before it became a problem
No NTA. Imagine what he’d be saying to your co workers?? U put the brakes on it! Good 4 u. Let him find his own job. I’ve been embarrassed long ago getting a friend a job! Girl was late every day and had zero office skills. Ended up fired week one. You’re lucky u overheard him and took care. Any family giving u hard time, tell them to kick rocks!
NTA. If he talks like that to strangers then he’s too much of a loose cannon to have at the workplace, and not sincere in his dealings with you. You would eventually probably have to fire him, so you dodged a bullet.
I think this is ESH. Him running his mouth SHOULD get him into trouble, but he’s family and if you were trying to help him out maybe confronting him about it would have been better. “Hey, you know, I heard what you said about the job and how you finessed the hell out of me. I know you’re my brother, but I’m not going to roll with that kind of attitude here because I won’t have you making ME look bad. If you can’t handle the fact this is a REAL job, with REAL responsibility, tell me now and I’ll rescind the offer and you can keep looking. Otherwise, expect an AMENDED offer with a wage adjustment. Consider it a prove-it deal at this point.”
Yanking the offer completely just seems petty. I don’t think your family has any business calling you names, but your brother isn’t the only one who was making that bed.
NTA. Lesson learned. Business & family rarely mix well.
Nta. What is that old saying??? “Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.”
Totally understand your reaction. Possible alternative – get alone with baby brother, tell him what you heard and what you plan to do on Monday morning. Tell him he has 5 minutes to make you change your mind.
Can’t have that kind of shit at work..it will destroy your reputation.
I’m gonna go against everyone and say YTA. You set up a whole job and promised him one and instead of saying “that’s not how it’s going.” Or pulling him aside to talk about it after those comments, you kinda just went behind his back and undid the whole thing. That’s pretty whack. It’s also your brother. Idk, I just think that was messy and if you felt that slighted by it you should have addressed it in the moment instead of a petty get back. Congrats on your position. I don’t think you’re a complete asshole and some merit to what you did, but I think you are still the overall asshole in this situation.
NTA, you dodged a major bullet. He could have wrecked your reputation at your job.
Talk to your brother. Explain your perspective. Either he gets it, apologises, and learns this valuable life lesson, or he shows you that you were right to take that decision.
Either way, NTA. You simply could not hire that person under those circumstances. Whether or not you were related.
NTA. He took advantage of you.
NTA
Anyone I recommend for a role reflects on me as a Senior leader. I would not go forward with this either since his attitude sucks before he gets the job I would only expect the same after he has the job
A real one would have been grateful. His comments imply that he’s not qualified. If he finessed you for the job that means he tricked you. And if he tricked you that means he’s actually not good enough for the job.
NTA.
You should get one of those giant checks that they do on TV thats signed for $1 and give it to him and say “Here is your nice fat paycheck.”
NTA, if he is talking shit on you, then he doesn’t deserve the job, and you need people who are gonna have your back. I had this exact situation with my ex-wife. Hence, ex 😀
NTA your brother sound like a ass.
Should have said to brother. Finesse your way out of this. Way to lose a fat paycheck.
Never bite the hand that feeds you.
YTA You persuaded a company to create a job out of thin air to fit the skills of a family member then got them hired? This is why employees hate management.
No, you did the right thing. One should be grateful for help, not trash talking that person. And secondly, you’re right – that kind of attitude is indicative of other problematic behaviors.
First of all who trash talks the guy who got them the job that they may not be fully qualified for? Shouldn’t you be singing their praises and say I have the best elder brother who went out of his way to help me and pull me out of this hole I had dug myself in?
NTA
NTA
Don’t trash talk someone trying to help you. Should be basic rules in life but here we are.
If he talks like this about you in front of family, then the last thing you need is to find out what he might say about you at work. If this is how he acts when you’re helping him, how will he act if you ever have to reprimand or correct him professionally. You dodged a tactical nuke here.
Also your family is defending him for it. You might want to rethink your relationships with all of them. They would rather you risk your career and reputation than see their golden child lose an opportunity he didn’t even work for.
I vote AH because this seems really fake. A director hires his brother. What real company beyond a family biz would accept that these days?
NTA- You’re absolutely right. He cannot be trusted. This is how he talks about you when you go out of your way to help him. 95% chance he will talk poorly of you to your coworkers. Of course you parents will deny this but it’s not their future on the line. So who cares what they think when the rubber meets the road. But you also will have to worry about how he will talk about when he disagrees with you or his boss. He will most likely completely trash you to his coworkers. Which will make you look like an idiot for hiring him and make him look like an asshole who looks a gift horse in the mouth and your entire family will just look bad. There is a reason he is jobless
NTA. You made the right choice. Your career can be impacted by hiring him.
One thing you did not mention – did you speak to him before cancelling the position? At least a heads up “I heard what you said at the BBQ. Even if you are joking with your buddies I cannot take that risk.” would have been good.
He may have been just talking with his friends . Trying to make himself seem cool.
ESH, I think that your brother was super disrespectful and inappropriate, and while it was probably the best decision to rescind his offer, you should’ve spoken to him first rather than just be petty.
Your brother isn’t a team player, he’s an user. He might have received a “fat paycheck” for a while, but you would have ended up having to fire him. Nepo employees are given a harder time. It’s far better that he never started. If he ever redeems himself, he can apply for a low totem pole offered position, and actually try to work himself up.
This would have been nepotism anyway, which doesn’t generally sit well with the employees. With that attitude going in, plus everyone knowing he’s a nepo hire, he would have tanked you both there.
To be clear though, Nepotism = Bad.
ESH.
NTA
You can’t trust him. And you don’t want his bad attitude and poor performance reflect on you in any way. Don’t mix work and family.
NTA no wonder he’s jobless. You did a very kind thing to try and help create a job for him- not many people would do that or even have the capacity to do that. He should have been singing your praises. Instead, he implied he’s using you, lied about his abilities to get the job, and might not be a good fit for the position after all. It would look bad for you if he came into the job with that kind of hubris and attitude. You vouched for the guy just for him to skate by without earning it? He’d be fired soon anyway and your reputation at the company would be affected.
NTA. You’re absolutely correct. If he’s trashing you there in that setting then he’s going to do it in the workplace and poison your team. His behavior will also reflect on you when other leaders catch wind of it. After being unemployed for so long, even if he wasn’t excited about the job, one would think he’d express some appreciation for getting a paycheck again.
Your brother is absolutely TA. He’s ungrateful and just learned a hard lesson about running his mouth. Let him be someone else’s problem. If your family lays in with some “family first” or “blood is thicker” comment just remind them that he’s the one who threw that family loyalty in the dumpster first so those are comments they should be directing at him.
NTA. You don’t want him going and trashing your reputation at work.
NTA.
He owed you to be the best he could be.
But his ego took over. It’s likely he would pull rank on others through you two being related.
You did the right thing. He would have made you look bad at work too.
I think you did the right thing. Your brother does not have the right to ruin your reputation at your job when you are trying to help him. If he had done that in front of another employer before he was supposed to start,they would have done the same thing. You are not the AH
[ Removed by Reddit ]
I wouldn’t get my grandmother a job at a knitting facility. It never goes well. I never recommend friends or relatives. Never. I’ve done it three times, and ALL of them turned into huge embarrassing events that I still burn in shame over when I remember those situations. Never again, man. This may have been because he ran his mouth, but at the end of the day, this is likely for the best. Eta nta
Wow! 🤯 NTA
BUT your Bro!! WHAT an ahole!!!!
ESH
It may have been just talk to try and impress the people around him.
IMO it would have been better to have given him a very firm warning about expectations, commitment, diligence, etc
NTA
Not only are you not able to trust your brother within a professional setting, however you also can’t trust whatever he has been saying about regarding his skill level, since he was bragging about just telling you what you wanted to hear.
This is him being a potential risk to your credibility and work.
You can’t trust him. You stuck your neck out to help him and this is how he repays you. How can you take a chance on him when your name is on the line and he’s already bragging that he will be getting a good paycheck for not doing much? This is really a sad thing to happen. Eventually your brother is going to burn too many bridges and no one will want to help him any more.
I think you both sound immature. As an older sibling, you should know that his “friends” were probably giving him a hard time abt the only job he could get was with his brother. Doesn’t justify it but been there, done that. Of course I was a kid at the time. What you should have done was stop eavesdropping & speak up right then & there. Ask him to clarify or speak up & explain how you created the entire position to help him. I don’t blame you for not wanting to help him now but if it was my sibling, I still would
ESH – You were coddling a nepo baby, and surprise, surprise, he acted like one.
So fake it didn’t happen.
Your brother and family are assholes. Trash talking? Really? I’d be grateful as hell for the chance he got. Fuck him and fuck the people who aren’t on your side.
I’ll take that role.
NTA. Don’t ever hire family or friends.
No good deed goes unpunished.
NTA, it’s never a good idea to mix friends or family with business. Always remember if anything goes wrong it will affect your reputation. The potential blowback could raise red flags about your judgment and jeopardize your career path. Furthermore, try not to abuse your position, power, and career by creating positions tailored for the “Friends and Family” and not on merit. You could wind up on the unemployment line. Good luck and update me.
YTA
Your brother was an AH for shit talking you around his friends, but your reaction to it was way disproportionate to the offense. He was clearly acting out of insecurity, trying to impress his friends by making it seem like he earned the position with his wit rather than admitting it was handed to him out of pity.
You didn’t even try talking him about it, you just immediately and harshly punished him for it. He at least deserved a conversation about it and a chance to explain/apologize, but you didn’t give him the opportunity which makes you TA.
Why did you tell them you overheard if your plan was to tell them it is no longer being filled?
Definately don’t employ him. Don’t risk your career on him.
This is likely the first fundamentally important business decision you’ve made in your current position.
Tell them that.
NTA
NTA – who trash talks their someone for helping them get settled in life?!
NTA. Something about biting hands and food comes to mind
Never work with family
If he wasn’t your brother and you heard someone say that, would you hire them? Would you jeopardize your job for them? Business is business – NTA.
NTA. FAFO! If he didn’t already respect you for giving him the job, he’s not going to suddenly respect you if you tell him he hurt your feelings. Maybe now that you’ve made him look like a fool in front of the friends he wants to show off for he’ll gain a little respect for the generosity of family.
NTA but that does suck. Don’t work with or partner with family.
NTA. He was not only ungrateful, he was a nasty back stabber. Since you called HR to have the job rescinded, how did the family find out you were responsible for him losing it? Sounds like your parents know what was said, calling it trash talk, but your brother is confused as to what happened? Didn’t they tell him you overheard what he said?
Block them all for a while. You did nothing wrong, you could not have trusted him.
NTA. You help him with a really nice job and in return he trash talks you. OH HELL NO!
Curious how he could think what he did was even finessing? You helped him out of kindness and created a specific role for him. Did he lie about some of the qualifications he told you he had? I can’t see how anything he did was finesse without more details.
NTA but I would’ve given him a strong warning rather than fire him outright.
Imagine how he would trash talk you in the company. Or spill the nepo beans that you literally created a job for him.
So NTA. But you are a butthole because the job market is bad, and you are using your position to benefit your family by literally creating a position for him.
Like what??
You should have:
A) Opened the positions for others, then just picked someone else that was “better”.
B) Did an internal investigation and found that he actually didn’t fit the right qualifications (since he apparently finessed you).
Or C) Just called him out at the party in front of everyone. Make it clear that if he’s willing to talk behind your back about him “finessing” you, then you don’t want to risk the backlash if he does it at work and a coworker potentially hears. Because you could lose your own job for favoritism.
As long as you have thick skin and don’t really care, then the way you handled it is fine as well. Just now you’ll have to deal with family butting in, since you’re “directly” responsible for him no longer receiving the job.
NTA
Family and business rarely mix well. Whether fair or not, your brother’s performance would’ve reflected on you and could’ve potentially caused irreversible damage to your professional reputation. Bullet dodged
He not only admitted to conning you but he bragged about it and talked shit about you in the process. NTA. You went out on a limb to do him a favor and he pissed all over it. I would have done the same thing but there may have been fists involved.
NTA sounds like you saved yourself some trouble at work down the line. Your brother sounds like TA.
I don’t know what’s worse – your brother actually believing those things or saying them to try and look cool?!
Imagine if he said anything remotely similar to show off at his new role? It would completely undermine you – point that out to your family who thinks your being cold. You went out on a limb for somebody who hasn’t done anything to get ahead in life and that’s how he repays you. FAFO.
NTA of course.
Don’t come at us with that team-bs, you just (rightfully) peeved your brother trash talked you.
He FAFO.
Plus, when he brings that attitude to work people are going to ask how he managed to get the job. That won’t look good on you.
I am of the mindset never hire anyone personal you know, too many times it can come back and bite you in the butt, and then it looks bad on you if the hiring goes wrong. UNLESS you already know they are an excellent worker (but do we really know how they work?). Friends, family, not talking people worked with before.
He let you know he was going to be problematic. What would a conversation with him do to change that? His manipulation and guilt? You did what you needed to do with no one in your family trying to change your mind.
NTAH.
How does the family know he was talking trashing? Or that you heard? Or that you reminded his offer?