I (20F) am turning 21 this May. My relationship with my mother has always been strained because she tends to dismiss my feelings and manipulate me. In January, she asked me to visit her in Vegas for her birthday, but I didn’t want to go since I was forced to be there for five years before I turned 18. I have a habit of telling her what she wants to hear to avoid conflict, so I initially agreed, even though I didn’t want to go. Later, I realized I couldn’t afford the trip, so I told her I’d visit for my birthday instead.
A few days ago, I told her I changed my mind and wanted to go to Universal Studios with her and the family instead. I offered to pay for her flight and anything else she needed, but she called me selfish and got upset. She has been pressuring me to visit Vegas for years, and I’ve always given in. This time, I stood up for myself, which led to her texting me:
“Idk who told you it was ok to be disrespectful… You do whatever you want for your birthday, I don’t care. I’m done.”
I responded (while at work), explaining my decision to change plans and how I felt hurt by her calling me selfish when I was trying to compromise. She responded by saying she wouldn’t communicate via text, calling me disrespectful and accusing me of treating her poorly.
She later complained to my aunt and hung up on her when my aunt didn’t agree with her. I’ve been thinking about it and wondering if I was wrong for changing my mind.
AITA for canceling plans she wanted for my own birthday, especially when this is the first time I’m doing what I want?
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I (20F) am turning 21 this May. My relationship with my mother has always been strained because she tends to dismiss my feelings and manipulate me. In January, she asked me to visit her in Vegas for her birthday, but I didn’t want to go since I was forced to be there for five years before I turned 18. I have a habit of telling her what she wants to hear to avoid conflict, so I initially agreed, even though I didn’t want to go. Later, I realized I couldn’t afford the trip, so I told her I’d visit for my birthday instead.
A few days ago, I told her I changed my mind and wanted to go to Universal Studios with her and the family instead. I offered to pay for her flight and anything else she needed, but she called me selfish and got upset. She has been pressuring me to visit Vegas for years, and I’ve always given in. This time, I stood up for myself, which led to her texting me:
“Idk who told you it was ok to be disrespectful… You do whatever you want for your birthday, I don’t care. I’m done.”
I responded (while at work), explaining my decision to change plans and how I felt hurt by her calling me selfish when I was trying to compromise. She responded by saying she wouldn’t communicate via text, calling me disrespectful and accusing me of treating her poorly.
She later complained to my aunt and hung up on her when my aunt didn’t agree with her. I’ve been thinking about it and wondering if I was wrong for changing my mind.
AITA for canceling plans she wanted for my own birthday, especially when this is the first time I’m doing what I want?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my cousin(24M) about the situation and he said I was unfair and that was an asshole move, I went to my other cousin(21F) and she said my mom was just trying to guilt trip me, which I believe because she’s done so for 10 years. With two different Opiniond on the subject I was unsure.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. It’s your birthday: enjoy it as you wish. She doesn’t want to communicate by text because she doesn’t want you to be able to keep a record of her antics.
Of course YTA. You should never have agreed. And, you can’t just force plans on people. Universal is expensive. You can’t just say, I know I promised I’d come, but now I expect you to spend thousands on something else. Grow up. Do not agree to things you do not want to do. And do not expect people to drop that kind of money. Learn how to have adult conversations.
YTA to yourself for offering your birthday up in lieu of visiting on her birthday. If you can’t go, you can’t go. You don’t need to make excuses and ruin your own birthday over the situation. Good for you for finally standing your ground. Better late than never.
Gentle YTA. You should not have said yes initially if you knew you were going to back out. Since it sounds like you no longer live with your mother, you don’t need to go along with whatever she wants just to keep the peace. The best thing for you will be to learn to say no in the first place, as backing out last minute does make you look like the bad guy. This was a completely avoidable situation that has ended up causing you much more stress than it needed to.
In future, say no up front and make your own plans.
ESH. You told her you’d visit for her bday, then cancelled, said you would visit for your bday, then changed the plans and made it a theme park vaca. If you don’t want to visit just straight up say that cause continuously cancelling and changing plans sucks.
NTA. Oh damn I hope she has a wonderful yet truely lonely trip to Vegas by herself and realises that she stuffed up.
EOS – but your mother is mostly in the wrong.
You are entitled to your feelings and she should not have treated you this way EVER as a mother. I’m sorry that she treated you this way as i have a family member that does the same to me. I think you would be better to just distance yourself. no need for a big cut off and blow out but I think limiting communication to just when necessary or a happy birthday/ holiday call or text would be better.
Can I ask why you hate Vegas so much?? I feel like were missing info here.
I don’t think that is was right of you to cancel and then expect her to drop all things just because you offered to pay for her. I think that was a nice gesture and she did react poorly but you can not be surprised that she was caught off guard for the cancelling for something very different.
Save the headache and your peace and surround yourself with those that encourage your happiness.
NTA. I have a very difficult mother. I understand the need to protect yourself. “the book of boundaries” helped me so much with my mother. I think all the YTA votes are people who don’t understand what it’s like to have a manipulating difficult mother. You say what you have to for a moment’s peace
It’s your birthday 😕
NTA. Sounds like she’s got main character syndrome. Don’t try to placate her, and live your own life! She said, “You do whatever you want for your birthday, I don’t care. I’m done.” Take her up on that and do wtf you want!
You might also want to visit r/raisedbynarcissists for some perspective.
>Later, I realized I couldn’t afford the trip
>I offered to pay for her flight and anything else she needed
These two statements appear contradictory.
YTA, I think, for terrible communication and a lack of spine.
You’ve always told her what she wanted to hear because it is easier. So, as someone who unlearned that behavior, I understand, but it is also time to take accountability for your actions. Stop saying yes when you want to say no. It is really hard at first, like really freakin hard, but it gets easier. Sounds like mom steamrolls people and is adept at manipulation. You need a good therapist to unravel some of the things that you learned as a kid because those things will repeat in other relationships.
Go to Universal. Tell her you’re sorry she’s upset and you’re sorry she can’t make it. Then go have fun on your birthday.
You are NTA. You have to stand your ground when it comes to your mom. If you do not want to go or be bothered, then don’t do it. She may sulk, but she will get over it. She can not control your life anymore.
Sort of. All life lessons come from us screwing up. At the same time when you’re getting away from an abusive person, especially a parent, you probably don’t have great skills in sticking up for yourself. The lesson is listen to yourself and learn to set boundaries so you aren’t caught in a bad loop. I had a mom like yours and I screwed it up until I stopped caving. It’s hard the first few times to just say no, but it’s worth it in the end.
NTA – May is hardly a ‘last minute’ cancellation like some people have said. But grow up, learn to say ‘No,’ and have your birthday with people who aren’t manipulative AHs.
Also, how is it you can’t afford to go to Vegas, (if it was just an excuse, learn to stop using excuses. Just say No.) but can afford to fly your mother to Universal?
You’re allowing her to treat you bad, aren’t you an adult…
NTA, people who blame you for capitulating don’t understand what it’s like to have an abusive or manipulative parent. The conditioning doesn’t just magically vanish the second you leave the house. I used to be terrified for entire days when my mother was mad at me, even after moving out because I was so used to the fallout it would lead to.
Good for standing up for yourself OP. And good on your aunt too. Enjoy your birthday as an extra special one now that you can additionally commemorate your growth. Well, that and co gratulations on becoming an adult too! This is truly your first big adulting move!
Info: why is it too expensive to go to Las Vegas but not too expensive to go to universal studios and pay for her flight there?
She created a confrontation-avoidant person in you, OP – she’s reaping what shes sown with all the on-again, off-again planning. So NTA.
However…this kind of thing can swing you around by the tail in other relationships in your life. It’s the kind of thing that therapy can do a lot to help witb.
Omg do want you want. You’re an adult. Tell her you’ll visit sometime soon. Maybe.
NTA. The first cancellation happened because you couldn’t afford it. The second cancellation happened because you changed your mind about how you want to spend your birthday. Things happen and people are allowed to reassess their priorities and wishes and you made sure to communicate whenever you changed your mind. She’s throwing a fit because she didn’t get her way – if the issue was about seeing you, she would have been fine seeing you for the day and having you visit at a later date. There is nothing disrespectful about this situation and honestly, coming from someone who’s 22F with narc parents, don’t let her temper tantrums pressure you into doing something on a day that should be all about how you want to spend it. Take the birthday trip with the family that wants to see you and see her at a later date in Vegas since she’s more interested in having you visit her on her own terms than spending time with you on your birthday.
YTA you agreed to the plans and than kept changing them. Next time be upfront and just say no.
Please learn about boundaries when you are 20. I waited til I was 50 and my life would have been so much better. You need to learn before you get married if you want a fulfilling marriage.
NTA. I’m sorry but you are being manipulated and gaslit. I suggest seeing a therapist since this seems to be a much bigger problem that you could acknowledge at this point. Good luck!
I’m going to say NTA. Someone in the comments said that you need to grow up, but I think that’s what’s happening here. You are conditioned to agree with your mom. Now that you’ve been away for a while, you’re finding your freedom and voice, but it’s still a work in progress. You might be a little bit of an A H because of the flip flopping.
The emotionally mature thing to do would be to have a candid talk with your mom about why you don’t want to go to LV. From what you say, it probably won’t go well, but that’s on her.
I suggest checking out the r/narcissisticparents subreddit.
Sounds a little narcissistic trying to force you to go to her home for your birthday. Then saying I don’t care. I’m done.
Nta. Do what you want.
ESH
Seems like the apple doesn’t fall from the tree, OP.
You complained that mom has a habit of manipulating you, but what do you call bribing her with all expenses paid trip after walking back your commitment to visit her?
YTA, why did you agree when you had no intention of following through? You are adult now, full fledged, time to learn how to say no. So now you have told her twice that you will join her but have “changed plans” both times. Even if she is difficult (I have a difficult mother too), you have to learn to say no right off the bat. Personally, if this happened to me twice, I wouldn’t trust you to join in any plans from here on out. I would just assume that you you’re lying and that you would backtrack anyway.
I don’t think your mom understand what the word disrespect means.
Nope- it’s a big birthday to celebrate being an adult! Do you ❣️
You sound like a brat “I wAs FoRcEd To Be ThErE fOr 5 YeArS.” Ummm as opposed to what?