So im 7 months pregnant, for the past several months i haven’t been feeling supported at all. I’ve spoken to the adoptive parents, but I feel they aren’t as supportive of me as they say. She says “we love you and we’re support you” but haven’t reached out or checked in to see how im doing, if im okay etc. she knows there was a flood in my city and they didn’t reach out to see if i was okay or if it hit me. I only hear from her if I reach out first. They told me we would build a relationship but I’ve only heard from them 3 times in 3 months. I’ve expressed my biggest fears of them cutting contact after the adoption, but they have assured me this will not happen. Saying they’re sure the agency wouldn’t let that happen. Today she reached out saying she’s excited to see me in person And that she has booked her flight and wanted to see where was a good place to meet over dinner. I emailed her back telling her that I won’t be meeting her, that it just isn’t a good time And that I have “medical stuff” going on. Some feel I am the asshole for cancelling, however I feel im in the right as I feel im being used for my child and only when it pertains to my kid rather than trying to build a connection/friendship and getting to know me. AITA?
Edit- it is an agreement of open adoption
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So im 7 months pregnant, for the past several months i haven’t been feeling supported at all. I’ve spoken to the adoptive parents, but I feel they aren’t as supportive of me as they say. She says “we love and support you” but haven’t reached out or checked in to see how im doing, if im okay etc. she knows there was a flood in my city and they didn’t reach out to see if i was okay or if it hit me. I only hear from her if I reach out first. Today she reached out saying she’s excited to see me in person And that she has booked her flight and wanted to see where was a good place to meet over dinner. I emailed her back telling her that I won’t be meeting her, that it just isn’t a good time And that I have “medical stuff” going on. Some feel I am the asshole for cancelling, however I feel im in the right as I feel im being used for my child and only when it pertains to my kid rather than trying to build a connection/friendship and getting to know me. AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1- I cancelled in them after they booked their flight
2- it might make me the asshole for cancelling on them last minute with a false explanation
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
I think you need to speak to the person who is facilitating this adoption. Please note the people adopting your child isn’t your friend. Unless it’s an open adoption with contact afterwards is explicitly stated do not expect them to check or call on you or have any type of relationship with you
Info: Do you have an agreement for an open adoption, or a closed one? Because if it’s a closed one, the birth mother and the adoptive parents don’t usually have anything to do with each other once the baby is born.
Yta of course you’re being used for your child, that’s the point of adoption. Are you expecting to be besties with these people once the baby comes? You complain they’re not there for you, they organize to see you and you cancel. What on earth sort of logic is that
I think you’ve built up unreasonable expectations in your head. They’re not your friends. It sounds like they did reach out when you were supposed to meet up, but you’ve got it in your head that they’re supposed to be showering you with affection. They’re adopting your baby, not you. You need your own support network.
INFO: Does an open adoption mean that they are taking you on as family? You seem really hurt they are not making you feel loved and a part of their day to day lives. I think that won’t be the case even after you give up the child for adoption. You of course are going to have set dates to meet him or her I’m sure they will I’ll send photos and whatnot, but it seems as if you’re saying they are in essence adopting both of you.
I think you should find new adoptive parents. They’re shining you on. Once they get your baby, they’re going to shut you out and cut you off. Find parents who show you who they are.
NTA. You are 100% in control. This is up to you. If you are not comfortable, you are within your rights to do anything.
There’s a long and very well documented history of birth mothers being exploited by adoptive parents and adoption agencies. Open adoptions tend to be better for the kids (*strongly* tend to be better) and for you too.
Go with your gut. This is your pregnancy.
It’s an adoption…. Yes you are being used for your child, they aren’t adopting you also.
YTA…gently. These aren’t your friends. They’re not your parents. They’re not a support group. Stop trying to turn them into one.
NTA. It sounds like you were up front about an open adoption where you could all remain connected. I would be cautious that they are just saying what you want to hear. I think it’s important to make sure you choose adoptive parents that are truly on the same page as you with contact so you don’t get hurt by them ending contact at some point.
u shld watch Juno
I think you are confused about what your relationship with the parents should look like. An open adoption doesn’t mean you would be an active participant. YTA as it sounds like you are bailing on the agreement. If you want to keep the baby that’s understandable, but blowing these people off because they aren’t treating you like a family member is so uncalled for.
After the adoption, it’s not your kid. Maybe they are scared you’ll say no once you deliver the baby. An open adoption means they will send you updates not include you in day to day events.
And they are not raising your child, once the final papers are signed it’s their child, you are just on the side. You will have no rights obviously anything that happens, you will only be updated and informed
Did you communicate clearly to them that you intended to build a friendship over the course of the pregnancy? That’s not necessarily normal even in an open adoption where you’re a regular part of the kid’s life after the birth, and in fact they may have worried that too much contact would seem pushy or overbearing.
I’m sorry. Yes, YTA. It seems like you think they’re adopting you as a family member. They aren’t. They didn’t agree to love, support and care for you. They agreed to adopt a baby to love, care for and support. You sound like you’re in a bad place mentally and I’m sorry you’re going through this. You’re supposed to have people in your life supporting you through this difficult time. These people aren’t them. I’m so sorry. It’s pretty terrible of you to cancel on them but you have the right to do whatever you want, including changing your mind about adoption. Although, if you decide to keep the baby I hope you have better support systems in place.
Cancelling because your feelings are hurt is petty. Aside from that, it’s important that you do meet with them and hash everything out because they might not end up being the right fit for you. If thats the case, the sooner you find out the better.
YTA. You need to accept even if you arrange for an open adoption there is every chance you won’t be a part of this babies life. That’s what happens with most ‘open’ adoptions. Either be your child’s parent or let them go to someone who is willing to be their parent.
Be careful. Most open adoptions are not actually enforceable in the US. I am not anti-adoption, but I am an adoptee active in a lot of adoption circles. Your access to the child will be completely at their discretion after the paperwork has been finalized after the birth. No upper court has found for the biological parents in what was supposed to be an open adoption and some adoption agencies explicitly recruit women with the promise of open adoption knowing once its inked, it will be closed.
NTA
NTA. We’re adoptive parents and We’re lucky to be matched with (chosen by) our son’s birth mother when she was 6 mos pregnant.
We had a set schedule where we talked on the phone every two weeks or so. It allowed us to learn about her — who she is as a person and her history, likes and dislikes, favorite foods, extracurricular activities when she was younger.
We now text a couple times a year to share photos of our son (she sends pics of Son’s half-sibs!), and see her/her extended family every other year or so.
We probably wouldn’t have connected/clicked outside of this relationship, but value and appreciate her completely.
“Open adoption” doesn’t have any single meaning — and the adoption attorney made it very clear to her that once the paperwork was finalized, if we cut her off, there was nothing she could do about it. The actual relationship is determined by the desires of all the people involved, but mostly the adoptive parents (while the child is a minor)
OP, you’re absolutely in the right to feel like they’re thinking of you as no more than an incubator. Some people might be okay with that, and not want more. You obviously do, and that’s your right. This is your baby.
If you decide you want to match with people who make more of an effort to learn about you, that’s 100% your right.
PLUS, to be completely transparent, having that information about and connection to the birth family is best for the child. Its sad that they’re dismissing that.
What is your expectation of the level of closeness? Because even with an open adoption I’d except updates here and there but not friendship or closeness
Gently YTA. You’re a mess of hormones and emotions, which is absolutely understandable.
The adoptive parents aren’t supposed to be your emotional support adoptive parents nor are they new best friends.
While you are busy being pregnant, they are busy getting their affairs and home in order to welcome your child.
You’ve created expectations without verbalizing them – “Hey, I’d really appreciate hearing from you every week or so,” would have been a good bet here. Or “checking in due to the flooding in my area, we’re fine. Hope you are, as well.”
NTA. As an adoptive parent, we’re cautioned that the birth mom may change her mind for any reason up to the post-birth deadline in her state, and there’s nothing the adoptive parents can do after that. You’re totally within your rights here.
INFO: is anyone from the adoption agency working with you? Like a social worker or something. We didn’t have one but my amazing wife did all of that stuff.
YTA she’s clearly coming to see you, to meet you in person, to build that relationship. I imagine The adoptive parents are walking a fine line to not be overbearing. Now you say you’re not meeting due to medical stuff? They’re probably confused and in a panic. Try to be honest and forthright with these people and don’t jerk them around
I’m a birth mother. I hope you have been made aware at some point in this process that, legally, all an open adoption means is that you know the names of the adoptive parents, and they know yours. There is no legally enforcable way to guarantee that the adoptive parents will remain in contact with you after the adoption. So if they’re already flaking on you, I would not take that as a good sign. I placed two children for adoption at birth, and both times, the adoptive parents were extremely proactive in keeping in touch with me. I never had a doubt about their commitment to maintaining a relationship with me.
You are welcome to pm me anytime if you want to talk. I know how lonely and difficult the experience can be.
Hey there. I’m a bio mom who did an open adoption.
Gently: this isn’t your kid. Biologically? Yes. But you’re putting them up for adoption which means this woman you’re talking to is her mom.
Do you have a good therapist?
You can reach out if you want to talk. My bio kid is 20 and we have a great relationship now, but it was a mess of emotions for a lot of years.
INFO: Did you clearly communicate your expectations to them? Did you communicate when you didn’t feel they were being met? You don’t sound like you’re handling this very maturely, if I’m honest.
INFO: Are you aware that an open adoption only guarantees you will be able to have a relationship with your biological child? I understand you feel unsupported, but your expectations might be too high right now. It isn’t great of them to not check in on you after a natural disaster, but it does sound like they are checking in on you monthly. However, you say they only contact you if you do it first, so are you only calling them once a month? Maybe they’re trying to give you space and letting you reach out first to not be overbearing. I feel like there are a lot of factors that could be at play here. It’s hard to give a judgment here, though part of me is leaning toward Y T A because you cancelled seeing them simply because your feelings are hurt.
Gentle YTA. It seems like you and the adoptive parents have a very different idea of “open adoption”. The adoptive parents seem to want more of an acquaintance relationship. Contact a few times per year, updates and photos sent to you a few times per year, and potentially the option for the child to meet you when they’re older.
You appear to want a much closer, almost family-like relationship. Many adoptive parents would be uncomfortable with this, and very few adoptive relationships work like this.
Neither party is necessarily wrong for their expectations, although I think the level of emotional labor and support you’re expecting from them is atypical. You should definitely have a conversation with them about your expectations. If they don’t agree with you, perhaps they’re the wrong couple to adopt your child.
I’m not going to say YTA because I can’t imagine being in your shoes right now. But you are complaining that they don’t contact or support you enough, and then when they want to see you and take you out for dinner you won’t meet with them. They apparently live out of town and you’ve seen them once a month? That’s a lot. You should be having an honest, adult conversation with them if you want something to change.
It also sounds a bit like you want them to adopt YOU, not just their child. They are adopting the child. I’m sorry but in a way they are “using” you. They are adopting a baby, not you as a grown adult. You can’t force a relationship with them.
If you are afraid of them cutting you out of the baby’s life, I’d suggest talking to a lawyer to make sure your rights are legally protected.
YTA. This isn’t about you. It’s about what is best for the child. They are there for the child, not to be extended famly with you. I would suggest meeting with a therapist to unpack why tour focus os on your relationship and what you need in your life to fulfill that need, outside of the adoption.
YTA. They are making the effort of flying over and you are cancelling on them. The one preventing building a relationship is you.
YTA but I think you’re just misinformed. Open adoptions dont mean that you are now part of the family. They have different levels of contact, depending on your signed contract. It can also just mean that your child can be provided contact info and find you when they’re old enough. If I were you, I would meet with the adoptive parents to discuss why you dont want to see them. Maybe they are uncomfortable or not wanting to seem pushy. I know that they are probably afraid you will change your mind and they will lose their future baby. By the time people look to adopt, they’ve gone through years of trying to get pregnant, IVF, etc and have been devestated over and over. You cannot expect them to be your moral support or friend. Look for something/someone in your area to talk to. I’d also meet with the agency to fully understand what the contract says and what type of contact you will be getting, if any. Best wishes!
NTA but you seem confused about the relationship you can reasonably expect with the adoptive parents. They only said they love and support you because that’s the kind of nice sounding lie you tell the bio mom of the baby you’re adopting. They mean they’re happy you chose adoption and loved and support that choice.
Are you able to access therapy or some kind of emotional support? It sounds like you need it, but the adoptive parents aren’t the people to seek care and support from.
You also sound like you have a lot of expectations about the open adoption. You will likely get a few photos and your child will be able to contact you if they wish after age 18. That’s the extent of it. You will very likely not be involved with the family. Open adoption mean your identity won’t be legally sealed away from the child like in the old closed adoptions.
It’s hard, and looking at this form both sides, this is the hard part of open adoption, managing expectations. They might not have wanted to come in to quick because you could always change your mind. Until that order is made, this is your baby. In the uk it works so different and tbh, it helps manage things for everyone in terms of expectations. Maybe you could start again in terms of emails, messages calls, and go from there.
NTA. Honestly the most concerning thing is the comment that the adoption agency will make sure they keep contact with you. So the only reason they are keeping contact is because the agency requires it.
Talk to the agency. You can walk away at any moment and pick someone else. I’m adopted and so is my brother. The first child my parents tried to adopt….the mother learned upon delivery that she wouldn’t be able to have anymore children and decided to keep the baby. Obviously this was heartbreaking for my parents but I know my mom understands even though it wasn’t what she wanted, it was the right thing. You don’t owe them anything and in fact, you’re giving them the biggest blessing in the world. If you feel uncomfortable about how they treat you, especially if you want an open adoption, then you can walk away. This is obviously a last resort option but if that’s what you’re looking for in terms of getting to know them, I would think their actions are telling. Open adoptions can be great, my cousin just had her daughter she gave up as a bridesmaid 2 years ago. The daughter is now 17 and they’re very close. So if that’s what you’re looking for you can look for other families.
Open adoption is not legally enforceable and they can cut you out entirely before the ink dries on your paperwork. Please reach out to Saving Our Sisters for real advice – the agencies will tell you ANYTHING to make their money off your baby.
NTA. I am an adoptive parent and I would encourage you to consider if adoption is what you actually want. In most states, open adoption is not legally enforceable and adoptive parents can and, in the majority of adoptions, do close the adoption after a couple years.
We have an open adoption with our child’s parents but it’s often very challenging to navigate relationships and visits. Our birth mom, in particular, wants us to be very close and because of the circumstances (foster care adoption) and child’s needs, that hasn’t been possible. We do visits, send photos, text, ect but I wouldn’t consider our relationship like family. Each adoption is so different but it’s often much more complicated than many anticipate. Wishing you all the best for you and your baby.
YTA Of course, the potential adopters are using you for your child; that’s how adoption works.
You want to use them for attention and companionship. That’s not how adoption works.
Your one and only concern should be ensuring that your baby gets wonderful parents.
YTA, you aren’t their friend, they’re adopting the child. You seem to think that they’re going to do all the work while you hover and cling.
NTA
Is everyone ignoring the flood part?
YTA. Sounds like you expect them to adopt you, too. I hope you’re already in therapy.
So they want to adopt your kid, but didn’t reach out when a flood came through the area where they know you live?
This is a hard one because I’ve never been in this position but definitely NTA. They have shown how little they regard your safety and by extension the baby that they allegedly want to adopt.
NTA you don’t owe anyone your child. If the vibes are off the vibes are off. Open adoptions are not legally binding. They can absolutely cut contact.
It is not your job to solve their infertility issues. If you feel they’re not being genuine in their interactions now, it’s likely to continue that way.
NTA but cancelling the meeting might not have been in your best interest. I understand it’s an open adoption, but still, their expectations of the frequency of contact might be different from yours. They might be concerned about pestering you, you never know. Or, maybe they initially said what they wanted you to hear, but as time goes on and they begin to think of the baby as their own, they think about having a third parent in their lives and they’re already starting to lower your expectations, setting up boundaries. It may be that even if they don’t cut off contact completely, it will never be at the level you’d like it to be, and you’ll be chronically disappointed. Or there may still be a chance to craft the kind of relationship you’d like to have with the adoptive parents. You’re still just getting to know each other, it may be fixable. In any case, now that you’ve cancelled the meeting, the ball is in your court. How you go forward from here is more important than whether cancelling makes you an asshole. I hope you have access to a counselor from an agency, or some other trusted adviser, someone to work through things with. I wish you all the best.
You agreed to be used for your child. Sorry but that’s exactly how it is. These people aren’t in to be your bffs they want a baby of their own and they most likely won’t be in contact with afterwards even if they have the intention. Life gets busy specially when there taking care of baby. I am sorry for being harsh but they’re not going to have a lot of time to update you and to be honest they probably want to focus on baby and their new family. It’s not personal just how things will most likely develop. Are you keeping baby? I mean since your canceling meeting them. It’s probably what they’re thinking. If you are keeping baby great then tell them you’ve changed your mind. They might not want to get close to you because they’ve probably been thru this before so it’s not personally against you. Just like you don’t want to get hurt they’re probably feeling the same way. Good luck op YTA
How old are you?? Cuz its doesnt seem like your mature enough to handle it