I (F25) had plans to visit my hometown this weekend to go to my uncle’s (M60s) house to have a little gathering and swim in the pool, with my dad (M60s). We three have a close relationship, so I was looking forward to spending a relaxing weekend at a family members place. I took a train in, got my stuff ready to drive together with my dad to uncle’s house. Right before we leave the parking lot he pulls over for a second and tells me that my uncle is having guests over from abroad, a russian friend and her kid, so asks me whether I’m ok with it. I have social anxiety so of course I feel blindsided, my dad KNOWS I will definitely have a reaction therefore saves it til LAST MINUTE to tell me. I am really not in the mood to socialize, as it means the opposite of relaxing to me. I did NOT agree to gather with a bunch of people I don’t know for the weekend. Had he shared this information beforehand, even this morning, I wouldve probably handled it differently. He also has a history of doing this sort of thing, taking me places I thought we would be alone or meeting someone, only to realize there are some extra people I wasnt aware going to be there. Because he doesn’t want me to have the chance to say no or excuse myself. just subjects me to it and it makes me uncomfortable.
I am extremely pissed. I argued my point and said I wasnt going as I don’t feel like it anymore, I am angry at him and because this is not the first time he’s done this, this was going to spoil my mood among everyone else. I returned home and now really fucking sad I don’t get to have a relaxing pool day, which was the only reason I visited town.
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team.
I had plans to visit my hometown this weekend to go to my uncle’s (M60s) house to have a little gathering and swim in the pool, with my dad (M60s). We three have a close relationship, so I was looking forward to spending a relaxing weekend at a family members place. I took a train in, got my stuff ready to drive together with my dad to uncle’s house. Right before we leave the parking lot he pulls over for a second and tells me that my uncle is having guests over from abroad, a russian friend and her kid, so asks me whether I’m ok with it. I have social anxiety so of course I feel blindsided, my dad KNOWS I will definitely have a reaction therefore saves it til LAST MINUTE to tell me. I am really not in the mood to socialize, as it means the opposite of relaxing to me. I did NOT agree to gather with a bunch of people I don’t know for the weekend. Had he shared this information beforehand, even this morning, I wouldve probably handled it differently. He also has a history of doing this sort of thing, taking me places I thought we would be alone or meeting someone, only to realize there are some extra people I wasnt aware going to be there. Because he doesn’t want me to have the chance to say no or excuse myself. just subjects me to it and it makes me uncomfortable.
I am extremely pissed. I argued my point and said I wasnt going as I don’t feel like it anymore, I am angry at him and because this is not the first time he’s done this, this was going to spoil my mood among everyone else. I returned home and now really fucking sad I don’t get to have a relaxing pool day, which was the only reason I visited town.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I didn’t join my family members in a planned ahead pool day because I wasn’t aware until last minute that there were going to be strangers there.
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. It’s not about being rude to strangers. it’s about someone ignoring your boundaries again. You didn’t overreact, you just finally said no.
ESH- Your dad is the AH for telling you last minute. You are the AH for being this upset about one person and their child. That is barely socializing.
NTA. Father and uncle ganged up on you, knowing you’d feel bad but expecting you to give in to the bullying they planned to spring on you.
Good for you! They’ll know better next time, especially if you slip in a little question like “there aren’t any little surprises for me are there?”
If the only reason you went to visit was to relax by the pool, rather than to spend time with your uncle and father who you claim you’re close to, YTA.
I’m actually not understanding why you’re mad at your father, he knew your uncle had guests, sure, but he didn’t invite them, your uncle did. Your uncle had guests at his house, using his pool. Your uncle also didn’t tell you. Why is your dad responsible for all the communication that should be happening between you as guest and your uncle as host? Why is he getting blasted for being the middle man?
You need to use your words when you get an invitation. “Will it be just us? I am unable to interact with other people, so please tell me. “
INFO Did you assume you were the only guest or did you ask your uncle and did he lie?
Edit: Never mind. Normally I’d say that you don’t need to be actively informed of other guests being there too. But assuming they knew about the severity of your social anxiety they should have told you.
Hmmm…I’d stop short of calling you TA (and your dad shouldn’t have sprung something on you last minute that he knew you’d be unhappy about) but it’s really not sustainable for an adult to let their social anxiety rule them so much that having to interact unexpectedly with two new people causes a big drama. I get it, as I get social anxiety too, but sometimes there is a burden on us to learn how to manage a situation rather than others having to tiptoe around us.
If I’m passing judgment I’d call it NAH. You were being a bit melodramatic and your dad was a bit thoughtless but not enough that I’d brand either of you an AH.
NTA. That was some shiftiness from dad.
so, if your uncle and dad want to see you then they’re not allowed to have anyone else at the cookout? sorry but you sound like a narcissist.
NTA. Your dad was being manipulative by waiting until the last minute to tell you. I have social anxiety myself, so I totally get not wanting to be around a bunch of people I don’t know, especially when I’m trying to relax.
Sounds like you wanted his pool to yourself and you’re upset that you won’t be alone with your uncle and dad.
ESH.
potAto potAHto
YTA, he wants to see you and you make it difficult. He can’t help what the uncle does. My dad died at 59
This was an OR to 2 extra people.
This post is so focused on the communications and being pissed that they weren’t to your liking. There were two whole guests in a home that’s not even your own. Not everyone is born outgoing, socializing takes practice for many people. You might start gradually throwing yourself into deeper ends of the pool, no pun intended.
Soft YTA. You need to learn to cope with your own anxiety. People exist in the world. You can’t police your uncle for deciding to invite two people to his own home, he has every right to do that and does not need anyone’s approval.
YTA
Do you honestly think your position is reasonable? That your uncle, in his own house, using his own pool, has to run all potential guests past you for pre-approval?
You sound exhausting and insufferable.
You’re both TA.
Dad should have gave you a heads up.
For you this is a good stepping off point. It’s only two people. A perfect time to work on your social anxiety. You can’t expect everything to go your way every time you see your dad or uncle or anybody else for that matter.
You need serious therapy. This world contains people in it especially at other people’s homes. Not your house and not your pool. Your not being asked to entertain. So take your towel and go back home and pout like a spoiled child. The more you isolate the worse it gets. You have to push your toleration zone or you will be forever alone.