For context, I (30F) grew up with a chronic illness that was basically cured when I was about 15. Ever since then, my parents have overcompensated and built what I feel is a very unhealthy relationship with my sister. They essentially co-parent her kids with her and her husband, even going as far as moving two doors down from them after my sister moved.
Because of this dynamic, my sister has always been the center of their world. My parents go all out for her birthday with trips, huge celebrations, and full days of activities. Meanwhile, my birthday has never been treated the same way. To make matters worse, the trips they plan almost always fall on my birthday simply because my sister’s kids are on winter break that week. These are not birthday trips for her, they are just vacations that conveniently work for her family, but they land directly on my birthday every year and I am never included.
This year stung more than usual because it was my 30th, a milestone I had been really looking forward to. For over a year, I had been mentioning that I wanted to do a specific family trip to celebrate. The last time I brought it up, just about three months before, my mom told me it was not feasible because my dad was actively being sued. She even said I was selfish and insensitive for bringing it up at all.
Fast forward, and then they planned a big family trip right on my birthday because my sister’s kids were out of school. Not only was I not invited, but the trip included pieces of the exact plan I had been excited about. It felt like they shut me down when it was for me, but when it worked for my sister’s schedule, suddenly it was possible.
I tried to explain how much that hurt me, especially because it fits into a larger pattern where my sister’s life and milestones are always prioritized while mine are dismissed. Instead of listening, my parents got defensive. Since then, things have completely blown up. They have said horrible things about me and my husband, and they have even enlisted extended family and family friends to spread their version of events, painting me as selfish and ungrateful.
I feel like I was just trying to stand up for myself and express how excluded I felt, especially on such a milestone birthday. But now I am wondering if I should have just kept my mouth shut to avoid all of this.
So, AITA for calling my parents out and being upset that they took a trip over my 30th birthday after telling me it was not possible?
EDIT: I also want to note that my sister and my husband actually share a birthday, but even then my sister has never invited us to anything she or others have planned. I assume it’s because she doesn’t want to share the spotlight. Because of this, she has used it as an excuse for why she doesn’t have to acknowledge my birthday either, which has only added to the feeling of being overlooked and excluded.
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For context, I (30F) grew up with a chronic illness that was basically cured when I was about 15. Ever since then, my parents have overcompensated and built what I feel is a very unhealthy relationship with my sister. They essentially co-parent her kids with her and her husband, even going as far as moving two doors down from them after my sister moved.
Because of this dynamic, my sister has always been the center of their world. My parents go all out for her birthday with trips, huge celebrations, and full days of activities. Meanwhile, my birthday has never been treated the same way. To make matters worse, the trips they plan almost always fall on my birthday simply because my sister’s kids are on winter break that week. These are not birthday trips for her, they are just vacations that conveniently work for her family, but they land directly on my birthday every year and I am never included.
This year stung more than usual because it was my 30th, a milestone I had been really looking forward to. For over a year, I had been mentioning that I wanted to do a specific family trip to celebrate. The last time I brought it up, just about three months before, my mom told me it was not feasible because my dad was actively being sued. She even said I was selfish and insensitive for bringing it up at all.
Fast forward, and then they planned a big family trip right on my birthday because my sister’s kids were out of school. Not only was I not invited, but the trip included pieces of the exact plan I had been excited about. It felt like they shut me down when it was for me, but when it worked for my sister’s schedule, suddenly it was possible.
I tried to explain how much that hurt me, especially because it fits into a larger pattern where my sister’s life and milestones are always prioritized while mine are dismissed. Instead of listening, my parents got defensive. Since then, things have completely blown up. They have said horrible things about me and my husband, and they have even enlisted extended family and family friends to spread their version of events, painting me as selfish and ungrateful.
I feel like I was just trying to stand up for myself and express how excluded I felt, especially on such a milestone birthday. But now I am wondering if I should have just kept my mouth shut to avoid all of this.
So, AITA for calling my parents out and being upset that they took a trip over my 30th birthday after telling me it was not possible?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may have overreacted because the event of my posts have caused me and my husband to not speak to any of my family members for about six months.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. It’s completely reasonable to feel hurt when your milestone was dismissed but the same thing was made possible for your sister. You weren’t asking for special treatment, just equal consideration
No, you are not the bad one, you have just tried to fit into a place that is not yours, the best thing is to get away from your family, cut off communication with them, go on a trip with your husband and enjoy it with him,I’m not sure if you have children, but if so, they are your family now. It will hurt to move away if probably, or maybe not since they always kept you away, share with your family that they love you and have not pushed you aside, With your close friends .. the family tree is also pruned
NTA but stop bothering with them.
Seems to me that they resent you for taking a lot of their time and attention when you were ill, and inadvertently making them have less time and attention to give to your sister, and since you got better they’ve been going too far in making it up to her.
That’s not really surprising, but you didn’t ask to be ill, so taking it out on you for 15 years (so far) is appalling imho. You don’t mention having kids of your own, so presumably they want to spend time with their grandchildren. I wouldn’t like to guess what might happen if you did have kids, but I strongly suspect that they’d carry on as they are and spend all their time and attention on your sister’s kids.
I’d go low contact if I were you. When it’s their next birthday, send them a card telling them how much you love them, how grateful you are for how well they cared for you in your years of need (just in case they think that you aren’t grateful.) Then just keep it at cards, maybe go round at Xmas if you’re invited, and even invite them to your place occasionally if you want, but if they repeatedly refuse – stop asking.
Go on that trip with people who actually care about you.
NTA, but why not plan your own special trip? It seems as though you are waiting for your birth family to honor you, or at least include you, and they aren’t interested in either honoring or including you.
I think therapy would help you a lot to come to terms with this and turn towards seeking positive experiences for yourself and your family.
If there are members of your extended family that show interest and affection for you, set the record straight with them. Otherwise, back off and limit your contact; do not plan or limit any part of your life around them.
NTA but stop setting yourself up to be hurt by these people. You have a husband (not sure about kids). Plan your birthday trips with him and forget about people who clearly aren’t interested. Yes, there is a pattern of prioritizing your sister and her family but you certainly can break that pattern in your own life. Stop giving your parents power over your plans.