Throwaway. I (20F) turned 20 last week. I made reservations at a restaurant for the evening of my birthday and planned for me, my mum, my stepdad, my best friend and my younger sister (18) to go. Two days before my birthday, me and my sister had an argument because I wasn’t able to pick her up because my friend had a medical emergency and I was the only one with him at the time so stayed with him. I was able to leave when the ambulance arrived due to his sister getting there. I was panicking at the time and forgot to text her that I wasn’t able to pick her up. I completely forgot I was supposed to pick her up and then went home. I apologised profusely and she was still furious. We were both shouting because the argument got heated. She then said “You’re acting just like our dad”. Our dad was neglectful and emotionally abusive to us growing up, we often argued with him and he frequently forgot to pick us up from school. This comment devastated me, I still have a lot of trauma I am working through because of our dad and she knows very well these type of comments hurt.
She kept repeating that I was acting like our dad and told me that I’m no better than him. I left and she tried to call me but I didn’t answer. I decided to change the birthday dinner reservations from 5 to 4 and texted her that she was no longer invited. I received no reply. I had a good birthday overall but my sister made no effort to contact me and didn’t acknowledge the text I had sent her. When it came time for the dinner, she called me and was screaming that I needed to change the reservations again to include her because she wanted to come. I hung up on her. I had told everyone coming to the dinner what was happening beforehand and they seemed fine with it until we got to the restaurant and my mum told me she was disappointed I couldn’t be the bigger person. I was shocked and asked what she meant and she told me what she said “wasn’t that bad”. All throughout dinner, she kept saying that I needed to get over “silly disagreements”. I left after paying and haven’t spoken to my mums since. I keep thinking about what happened and I don’t know if my mum was right, I don’t know if should have been the bigger person. AITA?
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Throwaway. I (20F) turned 20 last week. I made reservations at a restaurant for the evening of my birthday and planned for me, my mum, my stepdad, my best friend and my younger sister (18) to go. Two days before my birthday, me and my sister had an argument because I wasn’t able to pick her up because my friend had a medical emergency and I was the only one with him at the time so stayed with him. I was able to leave when the ambulance arrived due to his sister getting there. I was panicking at the time and forgot to text her that I wasn’t able to pick her up. I completely forgot I was supposed to pick her up and then went home. I apologised profusely and she was still furious. We were both shouting because the argument got heated. She then said “You’re acting just like our dad”. Our dad was neglectful and emotionally abusive to us growing up, we often argued with him and he frequently forgot to pick us up from school. This comment devastated me, I still have a lot of trauma I am working through because of our dad and she knows very well these type of comments hurt.
She kept repeating that I was acting like our dad and told me that I’m no better than him. I left and she tried to call me but I didn’t answer. I decided to change the birthday dinner reservations from 5 to 4 and texted her that she was no longer invited. I received no reply. I had a good birthday overall but my sister made no effort to contact me and didn’t acknowledge the text I had sent her. When it came time for the dinner, she called me and was screaming that I needed to change the reservations again to include her because she wanted to come. I hung up on her. I had told everyone coming to the dinner what was happening beforehand and they seemed fine with it until we got to the restaurant and my mum told me she was disappointed I couldn’t be the bigger person. I was shocked and asked what she meant and she told me what she said “wasn’t that bad”. All throughout dinner, she kept saying that I needed to get over “silly disagreements”. I left after paying and haven’t spoken to my mums since. I keep thinking about what happened and I don’t know if my mum was right, I don’t know if should have been the bigger person. AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I changed dinner reservations because of something my sister said
2. I could’ve been the bigger person and let her come
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That really sucks, sounds like your sister hit you right where it hurt the most. Sorry you experienced that. She was an ahole when you did that. I don’t think you’re an ahole, just someone acting from hurt. Hope you can figure this out.
NTA.
Sibling arguments – ESH
Now both of you go to your room until you can be kind to each other.
NTA there was an emergency. Your sister isn’t 12… she’s an adult and should be able to understand that sometimes emergencies come up
Does it suck that your sister was left without a ride and didn’t know what was going on? Yes, absolutely. Does she probably have trauma from your dad as well and felt abandoned by you like she did with your dad. Probably. Should she hopefully get past it when understanding that you didn’t do it on purpose and had an emergency, yes she should. But I guess trauma can make that difficult.
It may have gotten a bit dramatic with the birthday stuff.
But you are not an asshole for forgetting to pick up your sister due to an emergency. And you are not the asshole for wanting to spend your birthday in peace without worrying about fighting with your sister.
Remember your sisters reaction is likely also due to your shared trauma and hopefully you both can eventually see each other’s trauma and heal.
Nta hurtfull words have consequences.
NTA. But your mother and sister are.
Info:
Has this been a pattern in the past?
ESH. If you’re honest, the medical emergency wasn’t the issue, ultimately you forget to text your sister to say you couldn’t come which is what hurt her. This is easily done in the stress of the situation, but your sister deserved an apology. You say you apologised profusely, but if the argument then got heated it sounds like you probably tried to defend your behaviour blaming the medical emergency — just like you did in this post. I can understand why your sister may have found this triggering if you grew up with a neglectful and abusive dad.
However she should know how wounding this was to say to you and should have apologised after cooling off, as it is an extreme thing to say in these circumstances. And she should have respected that you needed space in the aftermath of this argument. I hope that when things cool down you guys can talk this out and be sisters again.
Absolutely NTA. Cut off your sister and your mom. You’re sister knows that those comments hurt you and didn’t care nor apologized but completely ignored you until she realized you weren’t backing down from your reservation decision and decided to act like an entitled brat and expecting an invite again while probably expecting you to let it go without seeing the consequences of her actions. HELL NO. Let her entitled self be by herself until she realizes what she said is wrong and her poor behavior isn’t going to get her anywhere in life. Now your mom is just as wrong because I’m sorry if she knows how those things effect you and continuous to try and brush it under the rug to keep the peace then she is no better than your sister. Get rid of both of them and find your peace babe because I’m sure the second you cut them off it will be a lot easier.
Yes, it was a bad situation for your sister and she was likely stressed over it and probably dealing with her own trauma from your father. But you apologized profusely for your part in her stress.
She doesn’t get a free pass for deliberately causing you emotional distress because you made a mistake during an emergency. Her calling on your birthday and immediately screaming demands is not showing either remorse or accountability.
She owes you an apology and your mother needs to stop coddling her by expecting you to cater to her tantrums. NTA
NTA, when does “being the bigger person” stop?
I mean at what point do you take the disrespect as such and treat the person with the same level of disrespect?
If your sister knew this is how you felt in regards to being compared to him then she’s 100% the AH
if she doesn’t know that, then I’d say be open to being the bigger person. but anyone who knows someone trigger and purposely uses it will always be an AH. myself included.
If she knew how that would hurt you then when she said it she had every intent of hurting you deeply.. and if thats the case why would you be wanting her at your bday celebration just less then 72 hours later
YTA. You were acting like your neglectful dad, who apparently left her stranded and didn’t pick her up.
You did the exact same thing and stranded her but because you have “trauma” you act like you’re the injured party and refuse to consider that what she said has some truth to it and she probably has trauma as well.
Your trauma doesn’t mean that you can’t still hurt people like your sister. You didn’t pick her up, didn’t text her or communicate in any way and you left her stranded without a ride. Just apologize next time and don’t fall back on trauma as an excuse for hurting your sister.
Removing her from your birthday dinner was really vindictive. Your behavior was exactly like your dad’s. She had every right to point that out. If the truth hurts your feelings, that isn’t her problem. Then, you punished her by excluding her from a family event.
NTA
you were deeply hurt by her words, and not wanting to be around someone who hurt you while still hurt is only natural.
what bothers me more is your mom’s reaction, as it sounds like she took the opportunity to minimise your hurt, and she doesn’t consider what your sister said to be that bad, perhaps because she does not understand how badly it affected you, or because she figures you are overreacting, or perhaps because any negativity about her ex makes her happy when she hears it. Who knows?
Mark this as a lesson learned – when your sister is annoyed with you and feels angry with you, she will go for the jugular, and your mother will expect you to allow it without consequence.
Remember that, and police your relationships with family accordingly.
NTA, why should you be forced to share your celebration with someone who was so hurtful to you? Not to mention she fully blew it all out of proportion.
Mom’s simply want to pretend everything is ok… remember, growing up includes them as get closer to being empty nesters
You’re definitely NTA and it’s a good learning opportunity for sister
ESH. Yes, you had a good reason to not pick her up, and even an understandable reason for forgetting your responsibility toward her given your stress over your friend. But, the fact remains that you did leave her hanging without letting her know what was going on. Then you overreacted to her comment to you.
Honestly that one action of your scertainly would seem like your father’s actions towards you both to your sister. You can understand that, right?
Your birthday only happens once a year. Do you want to sour an entire year’s relationship over this misunderstanding? Keep trying to have a rational conversation with your sister – let her know her comment hurt you just as your apparently forgetting her must have hurt her.
But you should have invited her. You’re older than she is, try to act like it.
ESH This is a tough one. Sounds like you both suffer from what your Dad did to you. You triggered her but you apologized. It’s the best you can do and do better next time.
Your sister though hit below the belt when she kept saying it. That’s an A H move. She KNEW it would hurt you.
Your Mom on the other hand IS a big A H for not validating your feelings. She shrugged them off when you were wounded deeply. Sounds like she can’t handle you having emotions. Your sister or you. I’m sorry to read this.
I wish you the best OP. Keep going to therapy. It does help.
Happy Belated Birthday!
So you were an argument with your sister and because your mom thought you should’ve been the bigger person she used your entire birthday dinner to make a fuss and then you still ended up paying at the end of it when it’s your day? That’s crazy
Would I have done the same regarding the reservation at 20 yo absolutely, would I now do it at 40, probably not but we live and we learn. As others have said you both have trauma from your past.
Maybe a bit of space from each other for a bit will do you both good but I’m sure you will both forgive each other.
Good luck 🤞🏻
NTA. If I wanted to be a bigger person I’d order a second dessert.
ESH. She was a jerk for not realizing your intentions were different, but you also fought back and eliminated her from your birthday dinner. Do you even like each other?
ESH – Both you and your sister have … challenges.
Your mother was right. I feel sorry for her.
Is your sister 8 or 18? Or, doesn’t really matter, because her behaviour isn’t acceptable anyway. She needs to learn some compassion and think further than her own nose tip.
soft YTA. You had a legit excuse for not picking her up and you apologized. Your sister although it’s normal to be angry should have understood once she found out that you were in an emergency health situation with your friend. She’s over reacting because of the trauma from your dad. Give her some space and time and she will eventually come around. As such I think you’re reaction to disinvite her from your bday dinner was an overreaction. You should have sent a simple apology text “I’m really sorry about not contacting you immediately at the time so you could make other arrangements but I was so distraught about my friend and dealing with the ambulance and hospital situation that I couldn’t process everything. I did not purposely try to leave you stranged. I’ll try to do better in the future but please be more understanding. My behavior is in no way like our father’s that we’ve both suffered from. I hope we can get past this and I still want you to come to my birthday dinner. I still love you.”
At this point since you already had the dinner without her, tell her you were upset about her reaction but realize you overreacted and want to invite her out to dinner or lunch to mend things between the two of you.
I think you are both the AH’s. Simply because neither of you should have let it escalate from a minor inconvenience to a full fledged battle affecting not only the two of you but your entire family, causing stress and drama and ruining a celebration. Do better girls!! Life is too short!