I (26M) am in the Army and recently got stationed overseas. Normally, the one time I make it back home in the States is during holiday leave (vacation). The way my family has been doing Christmas the past few years is that the adults don’t exchange gifts, all the focus is on the kids. Between my siblings and cousins, there are about 10 kids total. They consist of children from ages less than 1-11. I don’t have any kids myself.
Every year, once my family finds out I’m coming home for Christmas, I get dropped into a group chat where everyone lists what their kids like so we can get them the presents that they would enjoy. My family doesn’t explicitly say I have to buy gifts, but being added to the group chat makes me feel obligated. The past 3 years, I’ve spent over $300 each Christmas on gifts for all the kids and they open everything so quickly that they don’t even notice who the presents are from. Because of that, I feel like I’m spending a lot of time, effort, and money on something that doesn’t really matter in the moment, especially since I only see my nieces and nephews once a year.
I love my family and I do love the kids, but I don’t have a close bond with them. I only see them once a year, and only speak to them every now and then through FaceTime (I know I can do better at communicating with them but I am so focused on myself and my job). I care about them, but not in the sense that I feel a strong connection. So spending that much money for gifts that don’t mean much to them (or me) feels almost pointless.
On top of that, flights are now $1,000+ round trip and take about 15 hours each way. I usually take two weeks of leave to make the trip worthwhile and honestly, it feels like too long sometimes. I’m already flying back to my old duty station (I left my car with a buddy of mine) in a few months so I can drive my car back home, so it feels like a lot of travel back and forth.
Financially, I can afford the gifts and the flights, it’s not like it’s crushing me. But I work hard for my money, and I don’t feel like it’s worth spending so much on something that’s over in minutes and doesn’t really bring me joy. Part of me wonders if I’d be in the wrong toward my family.
Truthfully, I’d feel relieved not to go home for Christmas this year. I’d still love to see my family, but not when I have to spend so much on plane tickets and gifts. I was even thinking maybe I could send a box of foreign items/trinkets as a gesture, instead of dropping hundreds of dollars on presents.
WIBTA if I went home but didn’t bring gifts for all the kids?
WIBTA if I just didn’t go home at all this year because of the cost and stress?
Has anyone else had family traditions that felt more like obligations than something meaningful? How did you handle it?
Would I be in the wrong toward my family if I prioritized my time, energy, and money by not buying gifts or skipping the trip?
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
I (26M) am in the Army and recently got stationed overseas. Normally, the one time I make it back home in the States is during holiday leave (vacation). The way my family has been doing Christmas the past few years is that the adults don’t exchange gifts, all the focus is on the kids. Between my siblings and cousins, there are about 10 kids total. They consist of children from ages less than 1-11. I don’t have any kids myself.
Every year, once my family finds out I’m coming home for Christmas, I get dropped into a group chat where everyone lists what their kids like so we can get them the presents that they would enjoy. My family doesn’t explicitly say I have to buy gifts, but being added to the group chat makes me feel obligated. The past 3 years, I’ve spent over $300 each Christmas on gifts for all the kids and they open everything so quickly that they don’t even notice who the presents are from. Because of that, I feel like I’m spending a lot of time, effort, and money on something that doesn’t really matter in the moment, especially since I only see my nieces and nephews once a year.
I love my family and I do love the kids, but I don’t have a close bond with them. I only see them once a year, and only speak to them every now and then through FaceTime (I know I can do better at communicating with them but I am so focused on myself and my job). I care about them, but not in the sense that I feel a strong connection. So spending that much money for gifts that don’t mean much to them (or me) feels almost pointless.
On top of that, flights are now $1,000+ round trip and take about 15 hours each way. I usually take two weeks of leave to make the trip worthwhile and honestly, it feels like too long sometimes. I’m already flying back to my old duty station (I left my car with a buddy of mine) in a few months so I can drive my car back home, so it feels like a lot of travel back and forth.
Financially, I can afford the gifts and the flights, it’s not like it’s crushing me. But I work hard for my money, and I don’t feel like it’s worth spending so much on something that’s over in minutes and doesn’t really bring me joy. Part of me wonders if I’d be in the wrong toward my family.
Truthfully, I’d feel relieved not to go home for Christmas this year. I’d still love to see my family, but not when I have to spend so much on plane tickets and gifts. I was even thinking maybe I could send a box of foreign items/trinkets as a gesture, instead of dropping hundreds of dollars on presents.
WIBTA if I went home but didn’t bring gifts for all the kids?
WIBTA if I just didn’t go home at all this year because of the cost and stress?
Has anyone else had family traditions that felt more like obligations than something meaningful? How did you handle it?
Would I be in the wrong toward my family if I prioritized my time, energy, and money by not buying gifts or skipping the trip?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I’m choosing going home for Christmas without buying gifts for my nieces, nephews, and cousins’ kids, or possibly not going home at all. My family expects me to participate in the gift-giving tradition, and by not doing so, I could upset them or make them feel unappreciated. The conflict is between my choice to prioritize my time, energy, and money versus the family’s expectations.
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA but…what are you in the army FOR if not for the kids?
Nope, NTA.
In fact, you have already come up with the best compromise for the situation.
Box up some ‘foreign trinkets’, etc, and go home at a different time of year.
Thank you for your service.
NTA, now you could be more communicative with your family, but if that is hard a simple “can’t make it this year will send some sweets from “here”, happy holidays” should be enough. You can add a money is thight somewhere so they dont include you on the gift group chat
NTA.
Take the year off and spend the holidays the way you want. Sending the gift box of foreign trinkets sounds like a wonderful idea.
Giving gifts to the kids is about giving THEM joy. I do think your suggestion is a good one though. NTA
NTA. Use your leave in the summer instead. You can catch up with everyone without the expectation of gift giving.
NTA but I think showing up without anything would be, the box of trinkets sounds like something different whilst not coming across as a grinch
Oh, the ‘foreign trinkets’ idea is a GOOD one. I try to get my kids something inexpensive but interesting every year, and without fail, the gift I picked up for cheap because it was interesting is the biggest hit. Also, foreign coins. For kids who have never traveled internationally, a couple of dollars worth of coins from another country feels super exotic and special. (bonus points if you gift them in a small bag or treasure chest).
I think sometimes the best thing to do about family holidays feeling like an obligation is to skip one. You’ll either find that you don’t miss it, or that you really do. Either way you learn something valuable.
NTA. Be safe.
ETA: Don’t forget snacks! Snacks and candies from other countries are also a huge hit.
NTA you work hard, have no kids and the parents don’t even appreciate you. Send the box and ghost them for a holiday
NTA If you’re traveling, gifts shouldn’t be expected. If you don’t travel, you can always send gifts but I would limit to nieces and nephews. Experience gifts like family memberships, movie passes, theme park tickets, etc. are usually affordable Black Friday through Christmas when people aren’t doing those types of activities. Then they know where they’re doing it, they know who it’s from. Thank you for your service.
NTA.
In my family we don’t exchange gifts between adults, but as you said, it’s focus on the kids.
That being said, we usually pool our money together to get each kid something big or a bit over our budget. So each child gets 1-2 kids from many adults but it’s an expensive one.
If someone wants to buy something solo, they can but as a family we set a max budget for each kid. This is avoid the whole “I bought this one kid the brand new iPad, but the other kid gets socks”.
TBF some kids are greedy and expect expensive items and expect a lot of it. On some level is not their fault since around them, online etc people are flashing their expensive Stanley cups, limited edition Labubu’s and whatever else is on trend.
I think you should communicate this with your family.
NTA. Gifts shouldn’t be an obligation that disserve you, and it sounds that those kids already have enough gifts, some trinkets should be more that enough if you really want to.
I opted for never giving gifts to children, they already have parents and grandparents for that, I only give gifts to adults that are close to me, mainly my parents and partner, and my cats.
NAH – as a parent, its awkward to specifically ask someone if they want to buy a gift so I can give ideas, so they are probably adding you just in case. You don’t have to get gifts, it is a lot of kids and a lot of money, but in case your only objection is thay they don’t seem to care: most kids will get overwhelmed with the excitement of opening and will come back to stuff later. If their parents are on it, they’ll remind them who got them things when they’re playing with them and my toddler does know who got her certain toys, teddies etc and will tell me that “this is from so-and-so”. But absolutely no obligation and it wouldn’t make you an AH to not do it. Might be worth warning the parents though, so they don’t think they’ve missed something as you usually do it and then wondering whether they should ask you.
If you’d like to do something more meaningful and longer term, why not put money into a savings account for them? I’m in the UK and we can set up specific accounts just for kids, in their name – I’m the trustee for my child so manage it until they’re old enough, but it’s their money. We have a savings account for each of them, and relatives do transfer in either a set amount or a small monthly amount as their present. We also have premium bonds, which other family members invest in for them (you don’t get interest, but you get entered into a monthly prize draw for each £1 of bonds you have to win anything from £25 to £1 million, and prize money in the UK is tax-free; as a child I won enough over the years to pay for my first car and a years insurance when I was 18, around £1600 at the time). There are also kids ISAs (longer term tax-free savings) – essentially lots of options to save for their future, either as something they can access for bigger fun items as older children/teenagers, or to go towards things like cars when they’re grown up.
Years ago I switched to a family gift, one per family. if they have young kids it can be a game or art activity or edibles. makes life easier.
NTA – your money, your choice. You have a variety of options on how to play this, if you’re deciding, to make the trip. Get them their favourite sweets or put $5 in their piggy bank or simply state your presence as a gift.
You could do something fun with the kids, like sleigh riding. Gift time and memories. Take a picture with each of them or the group. Something to look back on in a couple of years.
NTA – maybe it’s just my cynical ass but I bet the parents of these kids probably care more about whether presents are bought than the kids themselves do.
If you want a relationship with them later, a gift now might be appreciated, but I agree it doesn’t have to be major. My aunt gives us all a random ornament every year. Inexpensive, but meaningful. Maybe you could make a tradition with your trinkets – something that you could find each place you’re stationed.
Christmas should be about spending time with people who make you happy, not about presents.
I’ve always spent thought on stockings, even now when my kids are grown and in their 30’s. Then they always got 1 large present and 1 small, but due to budget, they had about £70 spent on them, and £30 for their stockings. I’d start in January and be finished by September. My kids aren’t materialistic. They always appreciated any gifts and could say who each one was from.
If your niblings can’t say who got them what, they are either getting too much or dont appreciate the thought that goes into presents.
Have the Christmas you want. Send a gesture if you feel you must, but no-one is obliged to get presents; it’s the thought that counts imo.
NTA either way. To your point, they are just material goods and the kids don’t even realize who the piles of useless garbage are from. I feel a little grinchy saying this, but Americans obsession with christmas and presents is peak consumerism.
NTA but having to buy for cousins kids is a step too far in my opinion. I’d go but for less time, and just take small gifts for niblings, and a big box of sweets or chocolate for everyone to share.
Nta!
Let their parents get them the cool stuff! I am guessing that depending on how big your family is, some people don’t spend nearly as much as you did on these kids. If you do go home, get them all the same thing (maybe different colors) and call it a day. The only reason I would say to go home is to to spend the time with older family members. After losing my dad I am so worried that every holiday is the last. Wither way NTA.
Pack of Pokemon cards each + postage. They get gifts. You save money. Fuck goin home, you literally have far better shit to do. Everyone wins.
You are fucking WELOCME and NTA, My Good Sir!
NTA
And another vote for foreign trinkets, but put a sweet spin on it, especially if the cousins are clos, buy them something local and the same for everyone and it now reminds them of each other because they all have matching items. We went with Christmas angels from a local convent one year, everybody in the family has one so it remains us of each other when we’re not together.
NTA
While many of us grow up with the big family Christmas, it becomes rather less practical when the family starts to grow up, have families and gain new obligations, everything will change.
While I might be sad to miss them, I would never complain about someone opting to give Christmas a miss when it involves that much travel and cost.
As a partial thought, I would say that taking something small from where you are makes for a much better gift than whatever is the current fashionable toy, so if you do decide to go home, I would absolutely still choose this option over partaking in the Facebook planning.
Army spouse here and we’ve spent many holidays away from “home”.
NTA and visiting where you grew up, doesn’t always stay as “home”.
We found it much better to pick a time outside of holidays to travel back to see family. Flights are generally cheaper as well.
For traditions, we get ourselves a new game or book, and antipasto foods and spend the day drinking, eating antipasto and reading or gaming.
Do not feel obligated, and make traditions for yourself that bring yourself peace.
NTA. Its unfortunate that we live in a society where folks will almost guilt you into gift giving. If you feel like you don’t want to go home, that’s totally fine. And depending on where you are, I like the idea of sending something from the area you are right now because it would be such and rare and unique gift. If you didn’t want to do that, don’t feel obligated. It’s not that you are breaking tradition, but you are certainly being more practical.
NTA i only gift to those who gift to me, yes even children, I’ll happily accept kids drawings and crafts, they put effort into it. And for kids I just buy a like a dozen fancy chocolate bars and wrap em. I don’t care about their “lists” as it’s clear they don’t care about mine and most people really like em.
YTA about the gifts. $300 is nothing to an army guy who’s never home. You’ve admitted that you don’t make much effort to develop a bond. And giving gifts should be selfless, not something you do to give yourself joy.
NTA if you choose not to come home at all.
Bring a big box of candy, snacks, treats from wherever you’re stationed. Make some weird, ones with bugs in them, whatever… kids will almost certainly have a blast trying them all out! Make it a game where they pick ones that a grownup has to try too. It will be memorable!
BE AWARE OF FOOD ALLERGIES. If some kid has a life threatening food allergy this may not work or you’ll have to get them special treats in the US if at all unsure of the labeling.
NTA. Skip going back home for Christmas. Too much pressure. Go when it’s cheaper and gifts aren’t expected.
NTA.
Coming from a big family, this was never a thing. It was simply too expensive. My wife’s family bought everyone a gift and it cost a fortune. I eventually talked her out of buying every person she talked to for more than 20 minutes a gift, but it took a while.
NTA. But teach them something. Take them camping in the back yard. Show them something age appropriate that you know. For sure bring some cool things back from foreign lands.
I get “family gifts” like games they can play together or my nieces like to cook and love sushi so I got the simple equipment and a beginner’s book on sushi for the family.
Gifts are not mandatory and having been the person that travels halfway across the country at Christmas they are a pain in the a$$ to travel with. Especially when they do not seem to even notice who they are from. We make sure our kids read tags and they get tucked in the boxes for mom or dad to see and thank you’s are said.
Flights are more expensive during the holidays and time and energy for everyone involved is lower. Use your money and time wiser and visit in the off season. It will be a more quality visit.
NTA. It’s time for you to not go home for Christmas for the first time.
Yes, send that box of bits and warm greetings, but why not have a Christmas you’ll enjoy? Go somewhere near to where you are stationed. See the world a bit.
NTA.
It’s up to you if you buy a gift for someone, but if you decide to get a gift and don’t want to be pressured into buying something they’ll just shred and ignore, you could always look at something meaningful, like savings bonds, etc.
NTA, and I would suggest that, due to the size of your family, rather than gifting everyone, you draw names and gift to the person whose name you draw. We did that in my family because I have 42 cousins, and it worked so well. We gifted within our immediate nuclear family (mom, dad, and grandma – grandpa had passed long ago) and drew the names for my mother’s brother & sisters and their kids. Also, suggest that not everyone open their gifts at the same time, that you watch each other open and enjoy each other, rather than the free-for-all that has been happening.
NTA. As someone who only got a few gifts for Christmas(one from my parents, one from Santa, one from my grandparents), I learned to cherish them all. On the other hand, my childhood best friend and her sisters got hundreds if not a thousand euro(over a decade ago mind you, when everything was like half the price) spent on them each Christmas, and apart from the games consoles, they never really cherished them or played with them long term. They’d get a dollhouse and dolls for example, but every time I went over, it was sat in the corner not being used.
Christmas is about family and spending time together. Kids don’t need dozens of gifts they’ll likely abandon within 6 months, especially if they get too many all new toys a year.
With my friend, what happened was that her mom was poor…so she took out a loan each Christmas to get them everything they wanted, which left her in debt, which meant she had to take another loan. It got easier as they got older since they didn’t want as much, and she managed to get free…but it was a decade of her being in perpetual debt.
I was poor too, but my parents had two low incomes instead of just one. And my mom refused to go into debt over Christmas. So I’d get the option of a bunch of little toys or one big present.
I don’t remember all the gifts I got, but I do know that I cherished the bigger gifts more than the smaller gifts. And that too many gifts or toys at once is overwhelming and that more isn’t always better.
In fact, I bet your nephews and nieces probably have at least a box full of toys they don’t play with anymore. And adding more on top of that won’t help the situation.
The money everyone else spends individually could be pooled into larger, better toys or gifts that will last longer than something like an LOL doll or a labubu.
You’re not TA for not wanting to go home since it sounds like an expensive chore with not much incentive. I agree with the other commenters that making them individual boxes of trinkets and maybe some snacks will be much more impactful, meaningful, and cheaper than buying off the commercialised list that anyone can get stuff off of.
Just leave the group chat…
You don’t need to buy expensive gifts but I think you should start a fun tradition so your relationship with your nerves and nephews remains intact. You just need to tell your siblings when they add you to the chat that from now on, you’ll do something meaningful on your own. You can phrase it as creating your own memories with the kids. Then get them small but unique things from where you’ve been stationed or take the kids all our on a special date without the parents if you can manage. Kids always love that. The key is not to show that you’re frustrated – parents are weird about kids and in the long run, being the fun uncle will be worth it.
The thing about kids is, they notice more than we realise. They just don’t show it like adults would/do. You could stop, and they will notice you stopped. That’s fine. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. However, when they and you get older, you can’t complain when they don’t care about you at all. You’d be surprised what kids remember once they’re older, like oh, uncle always came with expensive gifts and made effort to see us. It seems to me you want immediate reward for what you do which is not the purpose of gift giving to kids and being present. A good person gives stuff so they feel joy. The kids, in turn, will grow up and have positive feelings for that person, but not some bizarre level of obsessive adoration.
Make your choice now. Behave miserly and spend life bitter and lonely, or be nice and spend your life joyful. You’d be surprised how much positive vibes affect us in life. Being nice doesn’t bring us wealth, worship, adoration. People just feel good around us and that makes us feel good. It’s very subtle and goes unnoticed by transactional people, but it has a compound effect on our psyche.
If I had to advise, I’d say go see them, take the gifts, be nice. It’s your choice, though, and the consequences are yours alone.
I still say you’re NTA if you don’t go, except maybe to your future self.
Honestly you do whatever you’re feeling. I like the buy local and send home idea since it’s new and interesting. But I also mathed and $30 per child average seems a bit high especially for the age ranges. I have 13 nieces and nephews currently just from siblings alone. So I’m not just spouting nonsense. If you have no bond and don’t want to build one that’s on you but I’d still do something.
Like this year I’m getting this money puzzle and putting cash inside. They will have to solve the puzzle to get the money. It works on the older ones but the newer ones don’t need much but some small trinket but they also won’t know it’s missed. Candy and cash always works since they can pick out what they want or their parents can.
NTA. Buy each of your nieces and nephews a drum – the louder, the better. That should end these ridiculous expectations once and for all.
This is not only about gifts it is also about travelling every yeaar during the holiday season and not spending the holiday on your own couch with your own Christmas habits.
Sometimes life gets in the way and one cannot join the family every year for Christmas. And maybe adulthood is also about making you own arrangements and traditions for Christmass.
Don’t feel guilty about it. You deserve to spend holidays as you wish. Family needs to understand that you are an adult and that you need to manage your time and budget as you think is best for you.
Take a year off. Nothing wrong with that. Maybe you’ll feel like going next year.
Just tell everyone YOU are the gift. Besides spending your time to get there (15+ hours) you are spending your money ($1000+) to celebrate with them.
If anyone complains let them know you are happy to accept their financial help to get you there, and you’ll be more than happy to show up with gifts!
Nta. But you could always buy something cheaper and meaningfull, even if it’s not on the list. Books are great presents, everyone loves them. Same with craft things or chocolate
NTA. Christmas is really hard for me for similar reasons. I couldn’t have kids and my husband and I are the only ones without in either of our families. This year we’re staying home, just us, for Christmas. Try it once and see if it is an improvement, but schedule another visit or visits at a non-holiday so you can see your family. My family did a beach trip together in the summer and I didn’t have as many ugly feelings about missing out on having kids. Christmas has all this mythology to it in the US and imo it’s the worst time to see family if you don’t fit the mold.